<p>Predicting the future:
No matter what zm does, she cannot win. If zm explains to d2 why she has decided to attend, as her swan song to her sis and to take mom so mom can go, the relationship between zm and her dau can be easily mended (if it was even harmed in the first place, which may be unlikley siince it sounds like everyone in zm’s family has the sister and nieces number)</p>
<p>But since sister is so self focused, this will be all about her. Sis will use “oh my- how could your DH not come to his niece’s wedding?” or some such cr*p as excuse to feign to be hurt-- it will be the excuse to not help with mon ever in the future (like she pulled wit hdad) and not attend mom’s funeral. Fine. Good riddance to bad rubbish. You did what you could zm. You cannot win at her game. She is the pro.</p>
<p>-what values are you teaching them? Always bend over backward for someone who only takes from you, but never gives back? Always turn the other cheek? … [At a] certain point victims have to stop themselves from being [knowingly] taken advantage of. Otherwise you’ll just as much to blame for letting this sick relationship continue</p>
<p>-I’m sorry but you are being played and the mean girls in this situation are expecting you to roll over and take it. You are agreeing to take it. That’s what “co-dependence” is about. </p>
<p>-you have decided to play their game and are telling them that what they have done to you, your family, and your daughter is okay. Also telling your daughters it is okay. Okay for you and okay for D2.</p>
<p>-*Think very carefully about the impact to your daughter. The guilt you may avoid by going may be replaced by regret/guilt that you did not put your daughter’s needs first. * Putting your guilt- and acceptace of this manipulation- ahead of D2’s needs and your momma bear responsibilities to her.</p>
<p>-*How can you have a clear conscience when they have slighted your daughter? *
-You can’t change them. You can only change how you respond to them.</p>
<p>*So what exctly does OP get out of going to the wedding and/or reception? Some sense she is the “good girl” or “peacemaker?” Some idea others will understand she’s not to blame or not what her sister may spread about her? Some better daughter to Grandma? </p>
<p>Sometimes we are over a barrel and sometimes we defend our little bears, no matter whatthe personal cost is. Sorry.</p>
<p>Attending this wedding would be accepting the doormat status that has come about over the years. It is their wedding and Mom is their responsibility at their event, if she will indeed be attending.</p>
<p>And your daughter may be saying what she said last night, so as not to burden you further or make it any more difficult than it already is. Trust me, I’ve done that myself with my own mother. I’ve sacrificed my own feelings in a difficult situation to make it easier on her.</p>
<p>lookingforward-
I totally agree with you, but I hear zm saying loud and clear that she isnt ready to use THIS event as the one to take that stand, bec mom wants to go, and also zm wants closure. I agree that if she had a truly healthy relationship with sis or niece I could better understand the desire to attend, but this isnt our decision to make, it is zm’s. She seems to have made it (though its possible it can change again) and we should honor it, right or wrong. Really though, zm, I hope you can let then know that this is it. Do not be a whipping board for sis. Time to not answer the phone when her name shows up in caller ID. And time to work through that guilt.</p>
<p>I tried to mend fences with my brother when my dad was dying. Waste of time to try to try to rationalize irrational behaviors. He was not going to change. He is a jerk- and abusive jerk. I feel good about my efforts, but I am done. I just sold his Lionel train set that my parents gave to my s’s many years ago. To be perfectly honest, it felt great. Like purging him from my life. Try it zm-- you will feel so much better.</p>
<p>I’m glad that things are black and white for you OhioMom and I respect and admire that, but it’s not always the case for everyone in every situation.</p>
<p>
Without question. I’m not a doormat or anything like that. I’m a pretty tough woman and it may be very hard to understand, but this is what I need to do for me. I can now walk away without ever having any interest in turning back around.</p>
<p>Zmom, I completely understand your decision, you have to do what works for you, and your mom–care giving is complicated.</p>
<p>After the wedding (and recovery from the wedding) re-evaluate your interactions with your sister and her family. Walk away with a clear conscience, letting your D know it was about helping your mom, not being at the wedding. For now, quit talking to your sister. Don’t answer the phone, or if you…you are on your way out the door and can’t talk now. (I tend to answer the phone without looking at Caller ID…I’m working on it.) Just end the daily drama–it will help a lot. Think of the wedding as a gift to your mom, and a care giving exercise for yourself…no other emotional attachment.
Oops, cross posted. Zmom, It sounds like you and your daughter on on the same page that’s a good thing, and very important…as someone who has been in the caregiving squeeze, I understand and support your decision.</p>
<p>I don’t have low standards. I have very high standards. My daughter is not the only person involved and I am teaching her to prioritize and to sometimes put others first.</p>
<p>My brother, for example, who is a very good person, never did a bad thing to anyone in his entire life, and would have to be solely responsible for my mother if I don’t come. The two of them would be the only two people present from our family. My mother isn’t mobile enough to dance, doesn’t hear well enough to converse in a crowded room and doesn’t see well enough to feed herself in dim lighting. My brother deserves some company, too. My daughter REALLY understands that. Because she loves him as do I, and we both think he deserves better than that. My daughter is being a big enough person to say that doing a kindness to her uncle and grandmother is more important to her than to indulge in her own spite.</p>
What needs? Yes, the daughter wasn’t invited, but it’s not as if she wanted to come anyway. The daughters are grown-ups and are capable of understanding that it’s complicated. Zooser will go because 1) her mother needs her and 2) she needs to for whatever complicated feelings she has about everyone involved. </p>
<p>The question in my mind is, are there going to more events like this or have you got a plan to change the relationship after this event? Good luck!</p>
Vengeance and closure are two different things. You have to let go of the anger and hurt to get closure and I think that’s going to take a long time.</p>
<p>It was Eleanor Roosevelt: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.</p>
<p>she doesn’t for one minute take it as putting their needs as above hers. Of course, she doesn’t. She has learned this from you. She learned to endure, so others may meet their needs. </p>
<p>* She thinks that I am respecting her maturity by allowing her to put my needs first.* Which of YOUR needs are you prioritizing? I don’t see it. It’s Grandma’s needs, brother’s needs, sister’s needs, niece’s needs, nephew’s needs, maybe some cultural expectations that we go to family weddings-- and only after that, your need not to feel guilty for skipping.
-and, letting her put your supposed needs first…isnt that what got you in this mess in the first place?</p>
<p>Sorry. I am harsh.<br>
Btw, I thought the only family members would be you, brother, Grandma- so…? OP’s not going for interface with other extended family-?</p>
That comment doesn’t stand alone. In context it had to do with my mother going or not going. If my mother didn’t go, he would be dragged kicking and screaming. But since she is going, there was never any question. He has to go and he will go and I think his feelings and comfort matter.</p>
Yes. Mother, who needs significant help, and brother who would have no one to talk to or assist him if I don’t come. There is no one else.</p>
<p>I’m not getting why so many of you think my brother doesn’t matter. That’s not a message I would ever want to send to my kids. I would hope that they always know that if someone you leave needs something from you, you try to give it with a generous heart. My brother needs my assistance and companionship. Do I love this? No. But I wouldn’t be me if I could turn my back on my brother.</p>
As I’ve said about a half dozen times, my need to live with myself in how I (a) ended my relationship with the woman who raised me, (b) treated my mother when she is no longer able to care for herself, and (c) treated my brother when he needed something from me. My daughter understands and respects that.</p>
My aren’t you kind. Generally speaking when he socializes he is not responsible for toileting, feeding and managing my mother all by himself. Generally, he socializes with his peers and at family events either I, my daughters, my sister-in-law or my niece are present. It has never happened, since my mother became ill, that he had to take her to a social engagement by himself.</p>