<p>^ Again, you are taking on all the responsibily here. I just hope your D does not feel slighted by you in addition to her cousin and Aunt, no matter what she tells you.</p>
<p>I’m sorry but what is ZM supposed to do? Say to her mom “gee I’m sorry. I know you want to go to the wedding, but D might have her feelings be hurt so if you soil yourself because there’s no one to help you to the bathroom, you’ll have to deal with it?”</p>
<p>Thank you RobD, that’s exactly it. Thankfully, my D really does understand. She might not have done if she didn’t love my mother and brother so much. They are very close. She is home from college and spends two afternoons with my mother helping with errands and chores and keeping company. So she understands as well as anyone how hard it would be for my brother and mother if there wasn’t someone to help.</p>
<p>OhioMom, Caregiving issues with an elderly parent can be very complex. I commend zoosermom for also being sensitive to the needs of her mom and brother(who sounds like has alot of responsibility in the care of the mom) in this.</p>
<p>
I forget if the bride has siblings. If so there could be other “family” events. Then there will ultimately be a baby shower at some point down the road, and sadly, mom’s funeral. Then there will be zm’s girls graduations, wseddings, etc. Personally, I woudn’t waste the stamp sending anything to the awful sister and her awful family. Zm- how was it when you and sis had no communication for so long before her DHs death? Did you feel as awful as you are feeling now? Seems like things wee more peaceful for you then.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, go to the wedding because you feel you need to. But here’s hoping that your mom’s lack of filter makes the occasion memorable, in the most enjoyable (for you & your brother) way possible. Don’t you spend one second worrying about what she might say or do, because karma is a beautiful thing.</p>
<p>
It was much, much more peaceful then. And my plan is to revisit that peace immediately after the wedding. I will not be going to any baby showers or anything of the like. This is the last wedding in the family before my kids (I am much younger), so the only future events will be my immediate family’s. My D1 has already said that she won’t invite them, which I fully support. I am done the day after the wedding. Done!!</p>
<p>
Ahhhh. Missed all that. Explains the origin of the guilt. Makes sense.</p>
<p>Jym, our middle sister was chronically ill and died when I was 8. In the interim, my mom was a military wife trying very hard to get that child the best medical care possible and extended her life much longer than could have been expected. Unfortunately, that left the oldest sister at 16 to pretty much raise me. Now, while the tragedy is my sister’s death, it is a shame that a 16-year-old had to raise a child not her own. She harbors a lot of resentment to everyone in the world about that, but at the same time, she was wonderful to me and she is the one I remember as the nurturer of my childhood. It’s a complicated relationship.</p>
<p>ZM- I asked which of your needs you are prioritizing and you basically said: my need to put up with this, my need to do what others expect. </p>
<p>*my need to live with myself in how I (a) ended my relationship with the woman who raised me, (b) treated my mother when she is no longer able to care for herself, and (c) treated my brother when he needed something from me. *</p>
<p>Classic.</p>
<p>-end your relationship with the woman who raised you? This would end your relationship with your mom? I didn’t see that before. That’s a new “wow” moment.<br>
-treated her when she can’t care for herself? Yes, it’s tricky. </p>
<ul>
<li>no, you don’t want to leave brother scrambling for help for mom. Tricky.</li>
</ul>
<p>Rob- no, she can’t entirely dump out. But, one def of doormat is always being the one manipulated into making all the compromises, taking other’s crap because she’s the good guy. There’s always a good reason to be a doormat, when you’re in that frame of mind, when your guilt is easily used.</p>
<p>Yes, Jym, it IS ZM’s decision- I respect that. Absolutely, take her to the ceremony. But, why this continued talk of the reception? Who’s pleasing whom?</p>
<p>I guess I’m in the minority. I don’t think ZM is damaging her relationship with her daughter if she goes or passing on a terrible message. Her daughter is an adult and can handle it. While not the same thing, we had an issue in our family some years ago. My mother-in-law was furious with my husband and me. This was because her daughter was divorcing her husband who was my husband’s longtime best friend and a very dear friend of ours and very beloved by our kids. We refused to cut him off as she wished us to. It wasn’t the kind of divorce where someone had done something terrible, but a slow demise. She was so angry that she told us she was divorcing us and we (DH and I) were uninvited from the annual Hannukah family party, but were told the kids could still go. DH and I encouraged the kids (around age 16 and down) to go if they wanted to. They understood why we did not feel we could back down, they knew it was manipulative of their grandmother. I felt that their relationship with their grandmother, aunts and cousins should not be dependent on our standing with them. In the end, one kid refused to go and the other three went. There was no damage in our relationship with our kids. Ultimately, everyone calmed down. We are part of the family and still maintain a relationship with BIL which has benefitted my niece and nephew enormously. But I don’t think that if one person in a family is not invited that there has to be some kind of boycott by everyone else. That can be a form of triangulation in and of itself.</p>
<p>
You’re misunderstanding this. I’ll admit I missed it on first read. Zoos’s sister raised her. See post #549.</p>
<p>^that explains a little more the complexity of the feelings but still the
logistics of the reception sound like an easy pass.</p>
<p>Sent from my iPhone using CC</p>
<p>I agree that the relationship is toxic, but from the time she was 16 until she was around 26, she was my primary caregiver. She chose to commute to college to take care of me, and when she got married and before she had her kids and I was a teenager, my sister and BIL had me every other weekend. It’s not a traditional sibling relationship. She has become someone very different than she used to be. It’s time to end it, but I have to do it in a way that I can live with.</p>
<p>
Easy even at the expense of two other people who are victims here? I don’t think so.</p>
<p>OP,
I do understand your reasoning for going. I’m not sure it would be the decision that I would make but, well, I have a little Sicilian in me and there is always the urge to put a horses head in someone’s bed if they do me or my family wrong.</p>
<p>When you are at the reception and others ask, if they do, where your D’s and husband are, what will you say?</p>
<p>My response would be an honest one. “My D2 was not invited to this wedding and my D1 and H are not attending in solidarity with her”. It might cause a jaw dropping moment or two but I really think it is a step toward holding your sister and her evil spawn accountable. That IS what happened. THEY need to experience the fallout and the shame of their bad behavior. Don’t be tempted to cover for them.</p>
<p>
I don’t think I’m being clear enough. Aside from my sister and her two kids I will only know about three other people and I won’t be sitting with them, so there is no one who would ask me. The three people I do know are my BIL’s family and I am confident that they know my D wasn’t invited. We don’t know any of the couple’s friends, don’t know the groom’s family at all, and we have no extended family. It will truly be three of us only.</p>
<p>zm, Your daughter sounds very mature. I think it’s great that she is able to put her feelings in perspective, and recognize that there are other needs to be considered. It sounds like you’ve found the way though this situation and out of the relationship with your sister and her family that you can live with. Early in the thread, you mentioned that your sister had raised you, but I’d forgotten this. It’s awful how much people can change.</p>
<p>I’m close enough to NJ to get to the church, and I always dress badly. Just send directions and your CC posse will be there!</p>
<p>
Sounds great! We could make a positive out of all this!</p>
<p>I think the whole situation would be very different if we had a larger family, but it seems to have magnified because there aren’t enough people to filter this all through. My mom is the last surviving sibling, all of dad’s siblings are gone, no cousins and my brother and his family live across the country. I favor larger families!</p>
<p>Just think of the post-wedding thread we could have!</p>