No it isn’t. That’s the point of the thread: to assess developments and try to make a good decision. We were blindsided by my D not being invited and my brother not being invited with a guest. I always assumed that he’d have a companion and the my husband would attend whatever. It’s a totally different outcome than I ever expected. After she got over her initial anger, mom thinks she wants to go. Or thinks she should want to go, or something. My brother hates my niece, probably more than anyone in the world, so he never would “want” to go, but he’ll do right by my mom, whatever she decides. Thankfully, the responses aren’t due back until the first week of October, so I can agonize over this quite a lot and change my mind.</p>
Ummm, after the way they’ve treated her? I wouldn’t bet the farm on it. I would anticipate people would ask for no other reason then when you are randomly standing in line for a drink, at the ladies room, whatever, it’s a no-brainer question “friend or family?” “bride’s side or groom’s?”…etc., etc. People aren’t being especially nosy or picking on your family in particular, it’s just small talk.</p>
<p>Jym- My friend’s brother never forgave his mother for his bout with polio, the fact that he was shipped off to a care place across the state and parents were only allowed to visit once/month. Who knows what sis is feeling, at this point, with her kids growing and her husband gone. That’s mighty generous of me, considering my other posts- but, ZM’s addl info today does shed a different light. It doesn’t excuse sis’s behavior.</p>
<p>Z- you could buy your mom a corsage. If sis does provide one, mom could proudly say each is from a daughter.</p>
It has. I’m at the point where I’m sort of trying on options to see what may work. If something else happens everything could change. My niece is the most unpredictable person I know, so I won’t swear to anything that could happen in the next two months. As it stands today, if mom wants to go, brother and I will take her. If she doesn’t want to go, I’d have to set brother on fire to get him to go. But if it’s beyond the response date and she has already had to pay, I may have to promise husband something big to get him to come so they can’t say that we made them pay and then blew off the wedding.</p>
<p>If it were my daughter, my nieces, or for that matter wedding showers for the brides of my son or my nephew – yes, sure, absolutely. I have gone and bought just $20 worth of Crate & Barrel dishtowels and wrapped them prettily when I was in my young twenties, newly married and that $20 had an impact on my monthly budget – but that has no bearing on what I might spend now, at a different stage in my life. I completely agree with RobD.</p>
<p>I was recently at a shower for a young woman who is the daughter of my husband’s cousin. I got her something off her registry that was in the $100 range. My SIL (meaning my husband’s sister) got her a Cuisinart of some sort that I’m sure was in the $300+ range. It didn’t strike me as out of the ordinary at all. She (SIL) had the money, and wanted to do something nice for her cousin’s daughter, that’s pretty much the end of it.</p>
<p>Didnt sister say she didnt want a wheelchair or some such other nonsense? I agree with blueiguana- dont count on mom having a corsage (unless you buy one) as that would call undue attention to her and away from bride and sister</p>
<p>By the way- when you dont know what to do- dont do anything… until you feel the same way about it 3 days in a row.</p>
<p>YK, zmom, I think your daughter has to come first and because of that, I don’t think you should go. The bottom line is - your daughter was nastily slighted by these people, and I think you have to close ranks and say that if you hurt my daughter, you hurt me. That’s a pretty unforgiveable offense, IMO.</p>
I think my niece is calling the shots as she has always done. My sister created this monster and now we all have to live with it, but I don’t think my sister is creative enough to come up with some of this stuff. She is also old and tired, but my niece has all sorts of energy for mischief.</p>
Yes she did. I think she got past that though, when I suggested (based on a CC idea) that she pay for an aide to come. Then the wheelchair wasn’t so bad.</p>
<p>I’m assuming that she would have a corsage because she had one at the brother’s wedding, but I haven’t been told that. Bride has another grandmother who wouldn’t tolerate being slighted.</p>
<p>"But if it’s beyond the response date and she has already had to pay, I may have to promise husband something big to get him to come so they can’t say that we made them pay and then blew off the wedding. "</p>
<p>WHAT?? Zoo, you SAID that after this wedding you were DONE with this relationship, remember?? So why would you give a rats ass what they said afterwards if you did not go?? People dont show up at events that they have rsvp’d to all the time!! There is no way your DH should even be asked to go. Have you forgotten the reason he SAID he was not going in the first place???sheesh…</p>
<p>I apologize if I missed an answer to this but-Has the sister ever been asked directly why the younger daughter was not invited? Is it possible that nobody under 21 was invited?</p>
<p>I didn’t see the “fluidity” before because, though this is a discussion, it seemed you were making all the compromises because you had to. I didn’t know mom wanted to “try to” go…I thought it was her fixed expectation.</p>
<p>Also, haven’t planned a wedding since my own- but the final costs were calculated at the dinner, when they saw exactly how many had shown up. Anyone know about how this works today? I though you guaranteed a minimum, not the exact number. Or?</p>
Yeah, but then they would be out more than $750. I isn’t that sort of evil?</p>
<p>
No. There are people under 21 attending. I really don’t know why, but it is either that they didn’t expect her to come from college or, more likely, that the bride has always hated her.</p>
<p>‘Yeah, but then they would be out more than $750. I isn’t that sort of evil’</p>
<p>NO, its PAYBACK for not inviting your D in the first place, and rightly deserved too!</p>
<p>Remember whose selfish actions started this whole sequence of events. Its time they learned that actions have consequences, and as the only thing that seems to matter to them is $$, this will hurt, as it should.</p>
<p>"If zoos is cutting ties she really shouldn’t care how much noise sis makes. "
Exactly!</p>
<p>ZM, congrats to you for having a good discussion with your D so that she understands why you are choosing to attend the ceremony and she’s fine with it. I am proud of you for doing what meets YOUR needs, including being their for your mom & brother. In your place, I’d likely behave similarly.</p>
<p>I believe the cost is what you order based on RSVP. It could be different here, but that’s the norm. If they RSVP yes, mom can’t make it that day, but the ‘plates are covered’ via gift monies it shouldn’t matter to anyone if zoos goes or not. The sister may make some noise, but all she really cares about evidentially is ‘the plate being covered’. If zoos is cutting ties she really shouldn’t care how much noise sis makes.</p>