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If I’m not there, he wouldn’t be able to mingle. I would like for him to meet someone nice. He is a good man.</p>
<p>Zmom, you, your D’s, and your brother are class acts. I am totally inviting you to all our family weddings (which hopefully won’t be for quite a while).</p>
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I think more accurately it’s an ethnic thing. And some ethnicities are more common in some regions than others. There’s plenty of discussion about it if you google the term.</p>
<p>I think you’re right Mathmom. My sister married into a different ethnicity and religion. Her in-laws are from the old country and her husband was first generation.</p>
<p>I like the suggestion that someone had earlier to give the bride a book on etiquette. I love that!!! Do it, Zoosermom! Do it for us!</p>
<p>I know this has been a difficult situation for you and your family, zoosermom, but I am going to say that you are giving your niece and sister ammo when you complain about who was and wasn’t invited and the logistics of the ceremony.</p>
<p>None of my kids are married and it’s been 30 years since my own wedding, but I know brides and grooms today are dealing with finite budgets and space, and I feel strongly they should be allowed to decide who they are going to invite to their wedding. If you were estranged from your sister for years up until recently, I can’t imagine your college-age daughter had a close relationship with this cousin/bride. My college-age kids would be thrilled at not being invited to (and not being expected to attend) the wedding of a cousin they disliked and/or did not have a relationship with. You have already said your daughter has indicated she will NOT be inviting this cousin to her wedding in the future; how would/will you feel about a call from this niece complaining about not being invited to that wedding? I was not invited to all my cousins’ weddings and did not expect to be, particularly if I was not close to that cousin or it was not a big wedding. And some of my siblings were invited to cousins’ weddings that I was not (if they were close to that cousin and I was not), and vice versa. It’s a snub only if you insist on taking it as a snub. </p>
<p>Regarding the logisitics of the wedding and reception location and times … I am Catholic, and my church won’t let you schedule a Saturday wedding later than 2 p.m. due to the Saturday evening Mass schedule. And someone’s comment that you need to book your wedding reception site at least two years in advance to get the time and place of your choice strikes me as ridiculous. If your intent is to marry and spend the rest of your life with someone, then it’s not and shouldn’t be all about the particulars of the wedding itself. As I stated before, if the time and venue(s) aren’t to your liking or fit with your schedule/needs, you should politely decline the invitation.</p>
<p>I empathize with you, and certainly do not excuse some of the things that this sister and niece have done, now and over the years. I just don’t think you should be giving them ammo to complain about your and your daughter’s manners.</p>
<p>I would like to add that the ‘cover-the-plate’ attitude is alive and well in the Midwest, too. And I’ve heard it come from a whiter-than-white Caucasian woman whose family has been here forever, when talking about buying gifts for weddings she goes to. </p>
<p>A regional thing that I have experienced growing up (it may have changed) is the whole sit-down dinner at the reception. Growing up in Texas, and attending many, many weddings before I moved away, I never experienced a sit-down dinner at a reception. It wasn’t until I moved to the Midwest that I attended one (then pretty much every one since).</p>
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Do you know any nice women for an attractive, fit, financially secure divorced man?</p>
<p>ZM…when IS this wedding anyway? It must be coming up very soon (thread started in June said “in a couple of months”). Sometimes you just have to believe it’s going to work out…it will.</p>
<p>thumper, it’s the end of October. I had thought the beginning when the thread started, but I had the date confused with a Bar Mitzvah. Of a friend. To which all of my kids have been invited. And for which I have no idea how much the meal is costing.</p>
<p>Now, please don’t say ‘cover-the-plate’ is a Midwest custom. I’ve never heard of it.</p>
<p>I was the one who mentioned two years ahead… I think the statement’s being taken out of context. If you are inflexible about the date, church, and reception, and these are popular venues in certain cities then yes, two years ahead is not uncommon. It does not take two months to put together a nice wedding anywhere in the nation if you are flexible. My point was due to the odd timing it seemed that perhaps the bride and groom were inflexible about some of these options (date/location). That’s all.</p>
<p>I’d love to introduce him to my ex-sil #3, who’s currently dating someone that I’m not all that enthusiastic about. Too bad they’re 3,000 miles apart from each other.</p>
<p>Whatever4, while I agree that people should be allowed to invite whomever they want, I think it was an intentional slight for one D to be invited and not the other. Usually you would expect an invitation for the whole family, or failing that just the parents. Also, she was the only cousin over the age of 18 not invited. D2’s aunt could have said, “Oh, we’re so sorry! We just assumed that because you were away at school you wouldn’t be able to attend and we didn’t want you to feel obligated to send a gift.” Then D2 could have been gracious in return and said that in fact it would be quite difficult to for her to attend and thanks for being so understanding and considerate blah blah blah, and all would have been smoothed over. Totally hypocritical maybe, but peace-preserving.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, I think it’s sweet of you to want to keep your brother company at the wedding. At the very same time you are distancing yourself from one sibling, you are building a bond with another. I would do this for my brother. Absolutely. It’s also a gift to your mom to ensure her comfort on this day. And your daughters sound like strong women. You have a lot to be happy about.</p>
<p>As far as cutting sister out of your life, that sounds awfully drastic, and I wonder if trying to teach her how to treat you might be worth the effort. Teach her almost like you would a small child or a puppy, giving immediate negative feedback when necessary. For instance, when she called to criticize dd2s boyfriend, you could have cut her off for crossing the line. End the conversation with the impression you need to recover from her rudeness. Don’t defend yourself or justify anything. Reward good behavior with friendly conversation. Shut her down the second she gets out of line. She will learn or she won’t. Either way, it would be better for you emotionally if you can some kind of relationship, even if it’s very superficial.
I would hate to pull the plug on a family member unless there was no other way to cope.</p>
<p>Yea, but Aunt flat out told her that cousin did not want her. Flabbergasting.</p>
<p>I grew up in NJ. The “cover the plate” thing was sort of an unspoken rule, and it applied to people who could afford it - not to the bride & groom’s young, broke friends.</p>
<p>Zoos, I’d like to echo those who say you have done your best to handle yourself with grace and aplomb. </p>
<p>My husband is a generally passive person. He hates to make waves, and prefers to choose to ignore the unpleasant. He thinks of it as taking the high road. But I feel like he’s a doormat. Everyone else’s feelings are more important than his - and if something is directed at the two of us or our family, he still reacts the same way, and “lets it slide.” </p>
<p>So I can see both sides of this. In the end, you need to do what you can live with. (I am glad you had the conversation with your D2 though, so she understands WHY you need to go and that you’re not excusing the slight against her).</p>
<p>ZM - Family relationships are often complicated and from your family history explanations yours is no exception. I really feel most all posters are defending you (even the ones that are challenging your decision) and they want you to feel LESS stress about the event. Best of luck to you.</p>
<p>I’m with OhioMom on this. It’s one thing when somebody behaves badly towards you, another thing entirely when they’re intentionally unkind to your child. But I completely endorse going to the wedding to support your mom and brother. If they still want to go after this latest. Your poor mother - she must be beside herself.</p>
<p>I love the idea of giving the niece an etiquette book. My favorite is Miss Manners original book, it’s very funny but she also doesn’t let anyone get away with this sort of nonsense. She’s got an updated version that deals with modern manners issues like cell phones and emails as well. Miss Manners’ Guide To Excruciatingly Correct Behavior - Freshly Updated See her website: [Miss</a> Manners](<a href=“http://www.missmanners.com/]Miss”>http://www.missmanners.com/)</p>
<p>The memory book is a lovely idea, but this is much too good for the dragon bride. Buy something impersonal. Don’t cast your pearls, etc.</p>