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What do you do? Are you saying that when you and your H go out, you split the bill? Is this a 2nd marriage where y’all keep money separate?</p>
<p>(imagining the face I’d give H if he ever expected me to pay half of a bill…lol)</p>
<p>I can’t speak for ssea, but what my partner and I do is just put everything on my credit card (since I get cashback and he doesn’t) and then at the end of the month, just roughly split everything down the middle. </p>
<p>We’ve lived together for nearly 4 years and have been doing it this way since the start. I really don’t foresee that changing when we legally get married- at least not while we both have jobs. There’s no plans to get a joint bank account or anything like that. Not because of any trust issues, but just because we don’t really see any point in changing what works. Our accounts are already linked so we can transfer money back and forth as needed. </p>
<p>I think it’s just plain rude if a woman asks out a man (or vice versa) and then expects him to pay the bill because of some archaic notion of “chivalry”. There is no other social situation where you would ask someone to something and expect them to pay for you (that I can think of off the top of my head at least) and I don’t see a date as any different. If you’re not prepared to pay for a date, don’t do the asking. Seems simple enough. </p>
<p>In recent years, as we get older, it is usually my wife who pays when we go out. It is usually because neither of us is sure whether there is enough money in my wallet. Both she and I become too lazy to fill the money in MY wallet. Also, she does all the banking stuff, not me. We only check whether my wallet has enough money when I myself need to go to some social gathering by myself. At one time, we found out that I had a grand total of one dollar in my wallet!</p>
<p>When we need to pay by credit card, she often asks me to pay because she thinks I can “see better” especially when she forgets to bring her reading glasses - which happens very often.</p>
<p>We have joint accounts everywhere (with the exception of company’s 401K and each individual’s IRAs and also when we have some concerns about the FDIC insurance limits.) She knows how much money we have together but I do not. (She once made a joke that if she divorces me, I will be in a big trouble because I don’t know anything.) </p>
<p>But secretly, I enjoy being the one not having to pay anything (also not having to shop anything.) I am definitely not a good husband in the eyes of the new generation: doing too little housework.</p>
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<p>True. However, some have argued that this perpetuates the “double standard” as in many cultures including our own, cultural socialization is such that men are almost always expected to initiate asking for a date. </p>
<p>This was one thing several folks brought up in that FB debate on the OP article. </p>
<p>Well, it would have helped if I had made more sense in my previous answer. We split (as in past tense) expenses for our dates back when we met, not NOW. At that point we were in our late 30’s, early 40’s so there was a lot more to work with as far as compatibility than who paid for what.</p>
<p>And I meant to say our incomes are NOT equal but we do split certain expenses by agreement. And when we go out, sometimes I do pay depending on the situation. H usually covers it though as his income is much higher than mine. </p>
<p>Me and my husbands income are very close. One year one of us makes more, the next year it’s the other. But even if one made millions and the other made nothing, it’s still all on the same credit card and the same account. All monetary decisions (of any consequence) are made together. But I actually don’t remember what we did when we were dating. Since we became a couple very quickly and married quickly, I think we probably just took turns picking up the check and didn’t even think about it.</p>
<p>don’t most couples find that when the server brings the bill, he/she hands it to the husband? I don’t think anyone has ever handed me a bill when H is at the table, too. </p>
<p>Sometimes, at lunch, servers will ask if the check is together because they are checking to see if we are co-workers. But, at night, the bill gets placed by him.</p>
<p>I am surprised to see how much many people go by the old tradition despite so many other changes in our society.
I was born in 1950 and married in 1975. H and I met in college so were both students, dated modestly (hikes or campus events which were free or very modest.) I guess he did pay on the few occasions when we went out to eat. Then he went to grad school while I got a job in NYC, and when he visited me I tended to get tickets to an event and pay. I felt all along that if women expect equal salaries then dating economics/practices should adjust to should reflect that. </p>
<p>Once H & I married (both then working) our finances were totally merged – all joint accounts except for the employer 401-ks and IRA. H hates clerical stuff so I paid the bills and did the taxes, etc. Now when we go out I typically handle the bill as it is easier because then I have the receipt for when the credit card statement comes in and I am paying it. I am now retired and H still working so he really is providing but it would appear that I am. (I joke that he is like the Queen of England who never carries money – somebody else handles such things.) It is simply a matter of what is most convenient for us as all money is “our” money at this point. If the server hands the bill towards my H, I either reach for it or H passes it to me! </p>
<p>Our D, when dating, tended to like to either split costs or alternate – would explain she was a Smithie and very big on women taking care of themselves. That way she never felt she “owed” anything to any guy right from the start. On the other hand, our son has tended to pay for almost all dates as his GF is in professional school and he is working. (She will often make a meal for them though.)</p>
<p>We sometimes travel with our kids and their significant others. (D is now married.) D and her H pay for their own accommodations and pick up the check for some meals. (They happen to have more than they need financially.) H and I cover accommodations and most meals for S and his GF as they are much younger and both have student loans (S quickly paying his off) and the GF is in very expensive professional school. Sometimes D and her H and S and his GF go away together but they tend to keep it modest (often camping) so the differences in their financial situations are not a big issue.</p>
<p>Works for us, and I think it makes sense for us! But different strokes for different folks. </p>
<p>I also appreciate that we are fortunate that none of us are financially stressed (though S will eventually be sharing in paying off his GF’s professional school loans, as they plan to marry and join their finances, so they will not be on easy street for a long time, at least).</p>
<p>I think we are talking about 2 different things. Yes, for most, funds are merged when married and it doesn’t really matter whose wallet or credit card is used. But dating is different.</p>
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<p>Romani, I respect your choices, so take this in the spirit in which it is asked. You do talk about your life and mention “as long as we both have jobs.” If you have children, you may continue to work full time. But for argument sake, suppose you, like many women before you, decided that at least for a few years, you wanted to stay home? Would your husband then deposit money into your account for household expenses? Having all our money blended into joint accounts underlined the sense of partnership to me during those years when I had no income. If he were “giving me money,” it would have felt weird to me, more like a “providership” as sseamom mentioned, rather than a true partnership. When one of the parents is a stay at home, they are indeed providing just as much to the family unit as the worker.</p>
<p>I know many people keep all their money separate while married. But in many states, it legally isn’t separate.</p>
<p>ETA: I just noticed you said your accounts were “linked.” So perhaps my whole post is moot.</p>
<p>mom2college, this must differ by region. In my egalitarian town, the bill is carefully placed in a neutral area. </p>
<p>Cobrat, having Asian family, I have learned to join the fight for the bill, and rather enjoy the outwitting strategies for who gets to pay. Totally different rules from my home town culture, as well as an expensive process at times. </p>
<p>Regarding cheesecake and Asia, Korean and Thai friends die for cheesecake, and one highlight of a US trip is a Cheesecake Factory visit. There is a specific Japanese cheesecake that I’ve made, a lighter in texture version of classic cheesecake. </p>
<p>^^^Recipe? :)</p>
<p>When a guy “invests” too much emotionally and financially for his GF over quite a long time, and then the GF decides to break up but the guy does not want to, it could lead to some troubles. It is therefore wise for a girl not to accept too much from her BF until she is sure that he is the one for her.</p>
<p>One of my friends told me that a guy had a GF for half a year. The guy is 7 years older than her and has more financial resources. He really liked the girl, was willing to do everything for her and paid for the dating - including funded two expensive vacation trips. He wanted to marry her but she is not only not ready for it but also has a great concern about his personality and easily out-of-control temper (she found out this only after several months of dating with him.) So the relationship did not work out and the girl tried to get out of it. He would not let her go. What is the ending? He killed her and tried to kill himself (unsuccessful for the latter part.) He had spent almost all of his savings (like more than $10k-$20k) on this girl because he had been trying everything he could in order to “win back” this girl.</p>
<p>Granted, it is extremely unlucky for her to meet him, a psycho. But when a particularly attractive girl habitually chooses to let her suitors to pay for the date over a long time, just because she can, it could put herself in an unpleasant or even dangerous situation (if unlucky) when she wants to get out of this relationship.</p>
<p>This is the reason why I do not like the guy to pay for the date exclusively. After all, more violent crimes after an ugly breakup are committed by men.</p>
<p>nrdsb, there is a very specific reason why I said as long as we both are working. He intends on being a stay at home parent. Obviously then I would pay everything. </p>
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<p>No. And servers that do that leave a bad taste in my mouth. On the very rare occasion when that happens, they usually get a smaller tip from me. The bill almost always goes in the center of the table when we eat out. (Except for at a restaurant that we go to all the time- they hand it to me because they know I pay.) </p>
<p>^^^^Romani, after my ETA I remembered that you’d said that before.</p>
<p>MCAT, that is a scary story. But a spycho is a psycho period. I doubt the paying or no paying makes any difference.
But I came from a family that you are not to become too much of a moocher for self esteem reason. My husband and I only dated a a fancy restaurant once and he paid because he asked me. But honestly I found these fancy restaurant dating kind if stressful. I found it somewhat fake for me.
So when we were in the dating period, we both did a lot of outdoors like camping and I purchased food and stuff and we splitters in half. </p>
<p>*splitters should be split.</p>
<p>Honestly, I think H paid for everything when we dated. Otoh, he lived at my parents’ house for free one or two summers. </p>
<p>Servers almost always hand me the bill, not my husband. And it’s because when they come over, I stop talking, look at them, pay attention, and smile. I was a waitress for a long time, and you interact with the person at the table who is paying attention to you. So for people who don’t want the bill, look down and ignore them when they come over.</p>
<p>(DrGoogle, you do realize you have 15 minutes to edit your posts…)</p>