Please, NEVER EVER stack! It’s so gross! I am a server at my church’s weekly community breakfast. This is a free, sit-down meal cooked to order, served on real plates, just like a restaurant. (All of the cooks have worked in or owned restaurants so it’s a professional operation.) We’ve all been trained, although most of us worked as servers way back in our college days.
Every week, well-meaning guests do the stacking and scraping thing (often putting their napkins on the plates or in the coffee mugs) and it is such a challenge to us. We have a system that works really well. We’re there to serve you, so sit back and let us do it!
@bamamom2021 the practice you describe is bad manners. I never do it at home, because I was raised not to do so. However, at the community breakfast where I work on Mondays, there are several unrelated groups sitting at a single table. They may get their meals at different times. Since they’re not eating together, we clear as they finish, and then another person usually takes their place. This is the only exception to the “don’t clear til everyone is done” rule, I would think.
Is @alh my sister-in-law? The only person I know who still uses placecards at anything other than a wedding.
I pour my beer at the local Indian restaurant, but generally we don’t have to pour our own wine at places that serve wine. I agree water glasses get filled without questions - though I’ve lived in places where local laws meant you had to ask for water, it didn’t come automatically. I have been known to push plates aside at less fancy restaurants, but mostly don’t.
The reason for place cards is my inability to keep a seating chart for more than six in my head. If I don’t make them, no one knows where to sit; there is a whole lot of discussion and confusion ensues. For me, place cards make dinner at my house simpler. It’s not to be fancy. That is pretty much my view of etiquette. It is supposed to make life less confusing, since we are all on the same page. Of course, I’m just talking about traditional, middle class, US etiquette. I’ve lived other places and adjust my practices to the very best of my ability.
According to Miss Manners and Emily Post- no stacking. (I looked it up) That doesn’t mean you don’t ever stack. We can use common sense. They are just trying to make our lives simpler, not complicate things. imho
My mother taught me never to stack. However, out to lunch with my children, when they were young and in high chairs, she was like HarvestMoon upthread and was sometimes not only cleaning up the table after them but down on her hands and knees picking up under the table. In her pearls and heels. She also taught me to tip extremely well in such circumstances.
I dislike it when a waiter asks me if I want to “keep my silverware” when I have another course coming. I usually say “No, I’d like fresh” (this annoys my kids because it makes me seem fussy even though I’m really not!).
When I’m finished with my salad or appetizer, I place my used silverware on the plate in the 4:20 position and expect it to be taken away with the dirty plate, and fresh silverware brought to the table for the next course. It’s basic etiquette to not put used silverware directly onto the table. Many servers aren’t properly trained, even in nice restaurants.
Right. What are you supposed to do? Hold your silverware in your hand till the next course arrives? Because in no scenario is it appropriate to place it on the tabel. If you had a bread plate, I guess it could go there. But really, you are supposed to have appropriate utensils for each course so this sort of problem doesn’t come up. It makes sense to me a restaurant may not want to put a salad and dinner fork both on the table to save washing in case a customer doesn’t have a salad course. Still, just bring new silverware!!! If they ask, I say “new, please” but if they just direct me to keep it, I end up holding it up in my hand till they return with the next course. But I don’t ever go back.
I almost never blame servers. I blame management, and guess it’s all cost savings issues. We don’t return to these sorts of places because it just wears us totally out, and we talk a lot about turning into old fogeys.
Some of the most mannerly service we have locally is in downscale bars with pub food service. No idea why that is, but I’m just embracing it.
I wasn’t going to bring up other countries, but since others did, we never have these issues when we are overseas. And it’s not like we eat at nicer places. OTOH I can think of some of my favorite US restaurants where everything is always perfect. They are very old fashioned. They just aren’t where we live.
@OHMomof2 I understand the logic behind the different expectations at different establishments. I guess I have always thought clearing tables to just be part of the job description so I’ve never once thought that I would be the one to clear tables when I am out, regardless of the location. That being said, if I am at a restaurant sharing a dish and need the space, I am not opposed to putting a small appetizer plate in the dish it came in.
Stacking all of your plates just seems so odd to me haha. Of course it’s always done with the best intent. What do you think about asking your server what they prefer in advance?
@Chumom One kind is a lunch box but you can also get bento boxes in Japanese restaurants which are a variety of foods put into compartmentalized trays.
It’s funny, all the consternation about stacking plates. You know what your server does when he/she comes to your table to collect plates? They grab as many plates as they can, and…wait for it…stack them in their arms to carry them away. They want to collect as many things as they can so they don’t have to come back a second time to clear the table. Food from the other plates gets onto the bottom of the plate on top (oh no!) and many servers can carry a fantastically large load of plates in their arms. It’s quite impressive.
Now maybe at fine dining places they come by and whisk one plate at a time away from you, but otherwise, it’s load em up and get out of there.
A busboy clearing a table throws everything in a bin. I personally don’t think stacking is bad at a small table when room is needed. Talking small cleaner plates though (like bread plates–not plates with lots of food on them).
Wouldn’t do it at a fine dining restaurant though.
I never realized there was a protocol for this issue. I sometimes stack if the table is small. I don’t stack plates with leftover food on them. At the place we go most I will often stack them up with the silverware on the top plate. I tell the bus person at this particular spot that it’s the Mom in me. Like @gouf78 I wouldn’t do it at a fine dining establishment. I strongly dislike when people place their dirty napkin on top of the plate with leftover food.
@alh “According to Miss Manners and Emily Post- no stacking. (I looked it up) That doesn’t mean you don’t ever stack. We can use common sense. They are just trying to make our lives simpler, not complicate things. imho”
Miss Manners advocates (or at least used to) against having a gift registry when getting married but there needs to be a balance between practicality and hard core adherence to etiquette.and perceived polite behavior.
I have not read the entire thread, but I was taught never to stack (even at home) because then the front and the back of the plate have to be rinsed before being placed in the dishwasher.
Threads like this give me such a kick. Just is a good example of how we were all raised differently - or the type of places we frequent!
I went out to dinner tonight with some co-workers. I watched with a smile as one of friends at the end of the meal starting stacking HER multiple plates! Nobody slapped her hand.
I experimented with stacking dishes at home tonight. Ick! What a mess. It did save several trips from the table to the dishwasher, but it wasn’t worth it.
I did not mention it - thought about it! But everyone else at the table except me had had a couple of drinks so I thought I’d leave it alone! She did have several dishes at her area… it was just a very natural reaction - she filled her leftover containers - then stacked the dishes.
This thread highlights how difficult it is for waitstaff to please customers. I worked in restaurants for decades as FOH, BOH, management, you name it. Stack, don’t stack, Pour wine, don’t pour wine. Remove plates one at a time, wait until everyone is done. Drop the check, don’t drop the check. LOL
Personally, I stack the dishes if I need the room on the table. I pour my own wine if my glass is empty and I want more. I prefer the dishes are left until everyone is done but I’ve had tablemates that will actually hand their plates to the server.
The one thing that is an absolute must is a 2-minute check back. This ensures everyone has everything they need for the meal and that everything is cooked properly (especially steak). As a waitress I’ve also been so bold as to ask that someone cut through their steak to be sure it is cooked exactly the way they like it. DO NOT tell me at the end of the meal (after you’ve eaten half of it) that something was wrong. I checked back, that was your opportunity. As a customer, I want the opportunity to ask for the sour cream I forgot or more rolls…
A good waitperson makes eye contact EVERY TIME they pass a table that are waiting on. Big pet peeve…look at me! Always ask about coffee and dessert before dropping the check. Any manager will train waitstaff to sell, sell, sell…everyone makes money that way, desserts and cocktails are the best way to do it.
