<p>It’s nice to be dealing in the abstract on this one!</p>
<p>not theoretical here either</p>
<p>^^^^^nor here.</p>
<p>I have come to this thread late and thus haven’t read every single post. I apologize if I’m repeating something that has already been said.</p>
<p>We baby boomer parents forget that we have “bully pulpits.” That is, we can demonstrate certain ideals in our homes, setting standards even if we know our kids fall short. (And we should love our kids regardless.)</p>
<p>We parents have the right to expect adherence to time-honored standards in our homes. Let’s not forget there are important reasons for holding these standards (think great emotional pain if nothing else). A parent can know their S or D is sleeping with a girlfriend/boyfriend at college yet the S or D can be expected to respect the parents’ (different) values when at home.</p>
<p>I have seen a several situations, involving college-age and even high-school age couples, in which the parents have permitted sleeping together under their roofs. In all of them the romantic relationships ended and the parents ended up with egg on their faces. In one case, my daughter’s friend expressed extreme surprise to her girlfriends that her parents permitted her boyfriend to sleep with her.</p>
<p>I agree with Mafool.</p>
<p>You have to be careful, though, from the other standpoint. Sometimes people who live with their boyfriends end up marrying them, and producing wonderful children that don’t have egg anywhere on their bodies. It’s all about what works in your family, IMO.</p>
<p>neverborn asks:</p>
<p>Mafool: Do you have a problem with said offspring coming home less often as a result, or with said offspring sharing a hotel room instead?</p>
<p>Well, yes, I guess so, if he decided to visit less often, but I don’t think that would be the result, as S and I have always been pretty respectful of each other and the “rule” is no surprise. It’s based on the respecting our right to be comfortable in our own home. And even if that were the result, I don’t think that is reason to “cave”…that would be like saying that my beliefs and positions are only meaningful if there are no undesirable consequences: not what I’ve raised him to believe, BTW. And, it would leave me open to all sorts of emotional blackmail! LOL</p>
<p>All:</p>
<p>As you can see, I’m a relatively new poster in these parts. How do you quote a previous post so it shows up in that nifty text box?</p>
<p>Let’s think of the reverse…what about parents who have their boyfriends/girlfriends/significant others in their beds? I know I would certainly feel uncomfortable if my mother had a boyfriend, no matter how long-term, staying over. It’s practically traumatizing. </p>
<p>Personally, as a high school senior, I can <em>completely</em> understand why some parents would be uncomfortable with the situation. My mom’s extremely liberal and we talk openly about everything, but just as I would feel weird about her having someone sleep over, I can see why she would feel uncomfortable with me having someone sleep over. It doesn’t even have anything to do with personal beliefs about premarital sex - it’s more about not wanting to think about what your kids could be doing while they’re in the same bed. This is not to say that they’re necessarily having sex (as other posters have pointed out, it doesn’t have to mean this at all), but come on…all of our minds tend to jump to that at first.</p>
<p>Take out the stars:</p>
<p>
[quote<em>]
text here
[/quote</em>]
</p>
<p>Not theoretical here. D is gay, and we take a group of girls (30% gay?) from school on a trip every spring. We talk about it beforehand, and are a little careful about it. Interesting twist on who you let sleep in which room is that being bi seems to be quite popular these days – then what do you do?! We’re most careful when she has one girl sleeping over at home; only once did we have to tell a girl to move to the air mattress (discovered when I went in to kiss D goodnight as always). I don’t think they were doing anything (response was “do we have to sleep apart; it’s so cozy”).</p>
<p>Aside #1: Gay friendliness is a key factor in D’s college selection. Only a few schools are immediately unfriendly (mostly Christian ones, understandable but ironic). The way to get the real story is to ask on tours with other people. If they’re really gay friendly, they’ll say so, risking the impact on the other people on the tour. If not, they dodge the question.</p>
<p>Aside #2: It’s been a little strange as a father to have to get knowledgeable about things like dental dams so as to have the safe sex conversation. But at least birth control’s not an issue.</p>
<p>Aside #3: Years ago my parents made my g/f and me sleep in separate rooms even though we owned a house together and were trying to get pregnant, and as a result we visited them less (“their house, their rules”) – we both had tough jobs with travel and didn’t feel like spending what little time off we had “apart”. When we got pregnant, we got married – I almost wish we hadn’t just to see if my parents would have continued to insist on us sleeping apart when we brought their granddaughter to visit! A few years after my father died, my mother brought her new paramour for a visit and we let them sleep together. Our D was upset – she’d heard the stories and really wanted us to make them sleep apart!</p>
<p>Some thoughts…</p>
<p>My parents aren’t against pre-marital sex (although I am) but are against sharing a bed or even a room w/ 2 beds with a male. Having been to college, I’ve shared beds with male friends, nothing sexual at all. HOWEVER, my siblings are in elementary school and there are certain things that I just can’t do at home because of them.</p>
<p>I don’t see it as a control issue. Your 19-year-old kid could be drinking at college; doesn’t mean you have to allow it in your house. College kids come home at 3 am; doesn’t mean that you allow it in your own home. (The flipside of this is that once your kids get their own places, you should respect their wishes regarding their homes.)</p>
<p>I had a conversation with my now-married friend whose parents would not let her sleep with her boyfriend in their house. Obviously, things changed when they married, but her parents were not happy with co-habitating before marriage, etc. Now, I can see her point, but, I can really see their point. Just as a thought, I would be VERY upset if my friends (engaged, married, or dating for a week) had sex in my house. I have zero desire to wash dirty sheets and really hate the idea of people doing things in my house, on my furniture, that I myself do not do.</p>
<p>That is a thought for the teenagers/20-somethings out there.</p>
<p>My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, which has included trips to each others’ houses as we live quite far apart in holiday time. The first time he stayed at my house, he got the guest room automatically. The first time I stayed at his house, I was in his bed automatically. I actually did wonder about whether his parents would be ok with me being in his room, and would have put up elsewhere (they don’t have a guest house however). My boyfriend seemed to think the fact I had even considered that amusing. He was totally used to that sort of thing as his brother of two years older has his girlfriend stay over in his room every weekend.
I asked my mum if my bf could sleep with me the next time he came up - especially as if he didn’t it meant a lot of hassle of swapping beds and changing linen and such. Her initial reaction was pretty much “Of course not!” followed by “I’ll talk to your father” followed by the boyfriend being allowed to sleep on a fold-down on my floor.</p>
<p>None of the occasions one of us has slept at the others’ parents house has involved sex. Sleeping together may be a euphemism for sex, but it can mean something a good deal more innocent!</p>
<p>“My house my rules” is an attitude that would cause resentment with me, especially if I had come to the parent to ask, and also because it suggests to me a lack of trust and also condemnation of what I choose to do outside the home. Certainly with me, I feel like an adult now I am living away from home, managing my own household, organising my own lifestyle, and I am generally treated like one. To go back to the era of rules governing everything is very annoying. I like the parents saying they may put people in an area where they have separate rooms but don’t police it - that’s a fair enough attitude and certainly wouldn’t cause any resentment with me and my guy. Saying that you don’t want an impressionable younger sibling noticing is also a fair point, and I think most people of college age are reasonable enough to agree with that. </p>
<p>Perhaps a lot of parents are uncomfortable talking to their kids about this sort of thing so issue blanket bans immediately rather than at least explaining why?
(and I think my parents probably would have fitted in there if I hadn’t appealed to their lazy can’t-be-bothered-changing-beds side)</p>
<p>I think the poster above has ID’d the main problem here–not that some parents “prefer” bed-sharing or not–but that some parents–perhaps because they haven’t had many years of young adult children–have a bit of a tyrannical attitude toward their kids’ choices. </p>
<p>I encourage the “my house, my rules” parents to think ahead: What will you do when an in-law shoves a pacifier in a grandkid’s mouth, allows him to leave the table without cleaning his plate, allows him to get up six times after being put to bed, etc., etc.,–all things you may not “believe” in. I wouldn’t like any of these things at all, but I want my children and their families to feel trusted and welcome in my house. Therefore I’ll drop the “boss of the house” stuff when they visit. I’ll zip my lip as I do with houseguests I want to return. If something really bothers me or is harmful to my house–grandkids dropping food on the carpet–I’ll speak to them kindly and negotiate with the parents as if they were guests. </p>
<p>As another poster said, maybe it’s just the attitude. If a parent can honestly discuss his discomfort with shared beds, and ask for cooperation, then the kid will not feel reduced to a kid in the house!</p>
<p>
Well, I don’t agree with this assessment. Many parents have said that their views on this depend on the circumstances. If a child has been in a long term, committed relationship, has graduated from college etc, that’s very different from wanting to bring home a GF or BF they’ve been dating for 3 months.</p>
<p>I don’t view it as tyrannical – I view it as common courtesy. For example, when we visited my in-laws, as married adults, we did not drink alcohol. They felt strongly about the issue, and we wouldn’t want to make them uncomfortable. I think my kids would also refrain from doing something that they know would make us uncomfortable.</p>
<p>I’m not sure where the idea comes that if a parent doesn’t allow unmarried young adults to sleep in the same room, that they are doing so without explanation or that they are not loving parents with good communication.</p>
<p>Personally, my young adults have not brought home anyone that they wanted to share a room or a bed with but like other posters have said, it’s not a big deal NOT to share a bed for a few days even if that’s what you are used to. Heck, whenever my husband goes out of town I enjoy stretching out and hogging the bed. I think sleeping together is way overrated.
I do have a younger (13 year old) child and would not want him to think that it’s normal and okay behavior to sleep with someone you are not married to.</p>
<p>farawayplaces: I’m not sure where you are coming from with the thinking ahead angle. I’ve been married for 27 years and parenting for 21+, I’ve certainly gotten used to thinking ahead before I decide on something. Just like all parents I’ve had to figure out which battles to pick for a long time. It’s not like making decisions now is any different. I don’t think that sleeping arrangements are going to cause an estrangement. </p>
<p>Also, I have friends that have post grad kids with boyfriends that pretty much live together but when they visit the parents the rule is that they sleep in seperate rooms. They come often, parents really like the guys and hope that they will become son-in-laws but until then, seperate rooms.</p>
<p>I become more grateful for my parents every time I visit this board.</p>
<p>
And <em>I</em> become more grateful for my kids!!! <em>lol</em> 
~berurah</p>
<p>berurah: Okay. ;)</p>
<p>neverborn~</p>
<p>You <em>KNOW</em> I’m just messin’ wit-cha, don’t you? 
I actually think you sound like a pretty great kid, and anyway, we fall on the same side of this particular issue. No “dis” intended, o.k.?? And thanks for having a sense of humor! ~berurah</p>