<p>Oh my, it’s hard. My son, who is very bright, did not see the value in doing many of the assignments in high school. We tried it all-positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, and punishment-but nothing worked. He told us not to feel bad because no one could make him do anything he didn’t want to do. Sigh. </p>
<p>He ended up dropping out of high school. He took the GED test and then enrolled in community college. He wasn’t ready for that, but we insisted he do something, and he failed his classes. Sigh, again.</p>
<p>He moved into an apartment with some friends and worked part time for two years. Then he decided he didn’t want to live like that forever. He is now in his third year of college and enjoying the college experience. His grades are not stellar, but he is doing well. (He is the kind of kid who might not be doing the assigned reading for a class because he couldn’t put down the Tolstoy novel he is reading for fun.)</p>
<p>It has not been an easy road, and I feel your pain, OP. We want the best for our kids and wish they would listen to us, as we have the benefit of years of experience. Sometimes it takes natural consequences to be the motivator.</p>
<p>You will never go wrong by affirming with your child that you believe in him/her. Our D & S told us that they really appreciated that no matter how much flak they got from school & sometimes extended family & others, they knew that we were and are in “their corner,” as always and would be there no matter how tough things got. It’s sometimes tough to figure out how to be supportive without encouraging your child to be “slide.” We do our best & see keep our fingers crossed. It’s not easy but things sometimes work surprisingly well (though it can be challenging and isolating).</p>
<p>^^ ditto that. My regret when my son was going thru a tough (not doing homework) phase (soph yr) was that I was always ‘on’ him about something (do this! why didn’t you do that?).</p>
<p>He recently had a bout of senioris (I’m into college! Why do homework or classwork?). I noted that I’d started working during that time & had been ‘on’ him a good bit (did you do x, y, z around the house? etc.).</p>
<p>Affirmation & support & looking for the positive = good.</p>
<p>I have the feeling that the student may be under-challenged and therefore under-achieving. He does not see the point of homework when he “gets it” while the teacher wants every last t crossed and i dotted as good studying skills. Both have a point. Bad study skills will come back to haunt a student in college. My solution would be to get him into classes where he HAS to do the homework in order to master the materials. If he gets so-so grades, it won’t be because the work is too easy.</p>
<p>S does know he has unconditional love, and there are no prouder parents than us when he does anything well, whether it be sports or academics. We have done whatever we thought possible to give him opportunities, and support his interests. As I said, he is a really well rounded kid. Good friends, and really against drinking, drugs, cigarettes. I realize having a smart, good kid doesn’t seem like a problem, and we are so grateful that we don’t have those tough issues to deal with.
We have had many discussions over the reasons for doing the work when you “get it” already. The value of learning how to learn, study skills, time management, respect for the instructor, etc. I do believe he has been under challenged thru much of school. There was mention of skipping a grade early on, but we felt his maturity was not what it needed to be to do that. He is not young for his grade, so would have been OK that way for moving up one. And the classmates he has are a really good fit for him. There are a great bunch of “smart” kids that had the opportunity to work with the TAG teacher, and boy did they push each other in that setting! Problem was, it was one class period, a few times a week. And that setting no longer exists in HS. Thank God for the TAG teacher. She has saved us so many times. He still works in her room for his on-line classes. And she has been a big part of the village that has raised him.
As for doing less when pushed more by me, I would agree up to a point. I know part of it is the “you can’t make me” attitude, especially of a teenager. If the behavior had changed in the last year, I would say that was it. I had been ill, and not at all on top of things as I used to be, so he was pretty much free to do or not do whatever until a teacher contacted me. And he got himself in several pretty deep holes. Once I was aware, he dug himself out again. That is the usual pattern. Deep hole, then scramble not to get burried in it. We have also had several tragic family deaths in the past few years. So, there are many reasons why this could be, if it was a new thing. But as I said, this has been the way it is since he started school. And I have NEVER asked a teacher for less work, or more time to complete it.<br>
I have often said, he is a square peg in a round hole. And the world needs those! But, as the school system is the round hole, he has to get through it to get into the real world, where there are square holes waiting for him to fit into! If he could just smooth his edges enough to get through the last year of the round hole of HS…</p>
<p>Both of my DSs are described in this thread. The older is now in college (on music scholarship) and doing quite well- even with his non-music classes. DS2 is mailing it in and will deal with the aftermath. He is a good natured kid much like lori_mom’s. The best part is that he has NO entitlement issues. He realizes that he will be paying for school in the future even though a tiny bit of work now could land him good scholarships. Older sister is also on full ride to a good LAC. I think he feels that he can’t “compete” with the other two so why bother. Not a great mindset but he has the rest of his act together so I must let this be. It is just REALLY hard to watch.</p>
<p>lori_mom, my S is a square peg, too. But I refuse to give up on him. He’s slowly findig his way (i.e., actually studying for the SAT - just maybe not the way I think he should). He doesn’t fit the college track mold - Doesn’t do homework because its just busy work but tests extremely well. Takes some AP’s getting Bs-Cs due to no hw. But we noticed that he likes writing and music, his best grades. </p>
<p>My H is more “do as I say” and I’m not as confrontational being on the “front lines” day to day. S will say I’m much like a broken record. I’ve learned that pleading and yelling don’t work! I’ve also enlisted his GC and a trusted teacher as allies - when I need reinforcement - I call them. Sometimes, S needs to hear it from someone else. </p>
<p>Our everpresent issue is catching up on some missing assignments. He’s a junior but may as well be a freshman. He’s very talented and will flourish in college where he can explore and learn more independently. We’ve told him that our job as parents is to make sure he gets there! Good luck, you can’t compare S to other cc’ers children. Ours march to different drummers and we need to learn to embrace that. They have our love and guidance. They have a different perspective of their world - isn’t it great? The world needs people like our S’s! Keep in touch - our Ss may/will surprise us next yr!</p>
<p>Good post lilmom. DS1 has proved you right thus far. I believe DS2 will as well. A small percentage of students are 4.0/36 supermotivated students. One of my best friends from college who was a straight C student is the most successful business owner that I have ever met- and a super nice guy. My kids all look up to him and they really don’t know what his hs or college gpa was.</p>
<p>Lori_mom,
As a warning, working hard in college is very important. Might be very harsh and shocking reality for one who is not used to it. Make sure to talk about it before wasting $$. Having low GPA in college makes no sense, who is going to hire, which Grad school is going to accept? I was asked my college GPA in my last interview after having about 25 years of experience in a field. I even did not remember it, which I told them adding that they can guestimate based on my Magna Cum Laude. I got a job.</p>
<p>It sounds like you are a great parent. We can only do so much. FYI, though, going to see a child psychologist is completely different than having an extensive evaluation from an educational neuropsychologist. The latter involves days worth of exhaustive testing, an evaluation of results by a qualified and experienced practitioner, follow-up meetings to discuss findings and strategy, and (unfortunately) fairly significant cost.</p>
<p>Well, the issues have gotten tougher, so we have gone beyond the scope of the original post. I appreciate all the advice, it really did help me know that I have done what I can. Not to get too detailed since it has gone beyond the intent of the board, but he has decided that he doesn’t want to live here with the rules. (Our rules are #1 Let us know where he will be, and be home by curfew- county has one, so not a negotiation issue. #2 Keep up accademically, which is obviously a problem for him. #3 Help on the farm when he is home. Same rules with the 2 daughters) He didn’t come home one night, I went after him. Next day he ran away. He was back home that night. So, bottom line is, he isn’t 18, but will be soon. No way to control his behavior at this point. Refuses to go back to the psycologist or anywhere else. So, I guess he answered my question- when do I stop parenting. Seems to be now, whether I like it or not. Again, thanks for all the help, support, encouragement from all on here.</p>
<p>That’s hard, lori_mom. I’m not in any way a professional on this, but if it were me, I’d relax the rules and do anything to keep son at home. I’d relax the helping out on the home biz stuff, and frame the ‘let us know where you will be’ as a request for your own peace of mind, not as a rule.</p>
<p>I totally disagree with the idea of holding back or relaxing the rules. He’s a high school student for goodness sake. Keep your rules. They are not at all overly demanding or out of the norm. They are your house rules. He doesn’t want to follow them. Holding back on the rules would be like rewarding him for his bad behavior. </p>
<p>Keep parenting him the best you can until he turns 18. Give him his options now for when he turns 18. In your case, he’ll be an 18 high school senior (not a college student). For example:</p>
<ol>
<li>live at home, go to school, follow the rules, graduate, go to college or get a job.</li>
<li>live at home, take the GED test, follow the rules, get a job or work on the farm for pay</li>
<li>live at home, take the GED test, follow the rules, attend the local CC. If he fails his classes, this deal is off.</li>
<li>take the GED, join the military or americorps.</li>
<li>don’t follow the rules, quit school, move out without any financial support from you</li>
</ol>
<p>Whatever your plan is (make up a set of options that fit him and your family dynamic), enforce it. He’ll keep testing you just to see if you are serious about enforcing consequences. There are rules in life and if he doesn’t learn to play by the rules, it’s time for him to deal with the consequences. </p>
<p>Are drugs and/or alcohol coming into play here?</p>
<p>I asked about alcohol/drugs because of his staying out all night. Many times, kids spend the night somewhere else because they don’t want to go home and face the consequences of being caught drunk.</p>
<p>Another “me too” here. Sophomore son does very well on standardized tests, got a 50% merit scholarship at his private HS because of his test results. Unfortunately his grades have slipped from the B+/A- level to the B/B- level. A kid who can but doesn’t. Only thing we have found that works is to micromanage his school work. We have to check every night to ensure he is doing it and doing it to a level he is capable of. If we slack off,his grades fall.</p>
<p>Then let them fall and let him deal with the consequences. He’s not in elementary school. Isn’t it time that he take responsibility for his own actions? Don’t parents set limits and expectations anymore? Don’t parents teach their kids that actions (or lack of) have consequences? It’s no wonder so many kids hit the wall in college. Mom isn’t there hovering over and checking things twice, correcting the answers, and rewriting the essays and papers.</p>
<p>Sorry for sounding harsh but once a kid is in high school, it’s time to back off and let them take responsibility for their school work. If they don’t put in the effort, let them deal with the falling grades and the consequences set up by parents (take away privileges, make them give up their EC until grades come up, or whatever other consequence the parent sets up). Our job is to help them grow up into mature and productive adults.</p>