<p>No drinking or drugs involved. Not in denial about the possibility, just sure. Friends also not involved in any. Planned to stay at a friends- no rules when you are a guest. Friend is excellent student.<br>
Is aware the “Rule” of knowing where he is goes to safety and peace of mind. Need to know if he is in a ditch somewhere. He does not care about the worry it causes us.
Helping means burning trash, mowing grass and helping with stuff when he is home. No daily farm chores, gets paid for baling hay and other big work. Not at all slave labor.
The real world has rules. Gotta learn to follow them, regardless of whether you like it or not. He will be 18 soon, and even less under our control.<br>
Will not micromanage homework. Did check on-line and ask when something looked to be late. Would print out e-mails from teachers about missing work. Not doing that now.
He is aware that if there is no “parenting and rules”, there is no support financially.
Have taken the cell phone and van away. Won’t ask for $$ because he isn’t willing to work for it.
I am going to the choir/band concert. I will continue to support his good choices.<br>
But, not doing laundry, giving any reminders or calling him to meals.<br>
Life here really sucks right now.</p>
<p>Stay strong and follow through.</p>
<p>Ugh–so sorry lori_mom. Sending prayers your way.</p>
<p>I have a different perspective on this issue than all of you. I’m a senior in high school and when I was in middle school and beginning 9th grade I was very much like your kids, but I straightened myself out and did much better. I pulled my grades up i ninth grade to B+/A- territory and have gotten mostly A’s since. My situation was that I did care about my future, but didn’t see how freshman grades mattered. I assumed I would just turn myself around junior year when everything “counted”. My mom convinced me that freshman year did indeed matter, because it influenced what classes I could take later in high school, and then which colleges I could go to, etc. The OP should try to convince her son that even though homework doesn’t directly affect his future, it does have an indirect effect.</p>
<p>Lori_mom, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 
I hope your son realizes your house rules are common sense and comes back home.</p>
<p>S is home. ubuntu34520, I’m glad your mom was able to convince you of the long term results of your actions. I will take any suggestions on how to get thru to him! We have had ENDLESS discussions on that, and he really does not care. Once again, he thinks the rules shouldn’t apply to him- cause & effect. He is burning alot of bridges right now- with family, friends, teachers. I have told him he has a chance to start over everyday. It is still possible, but he is not interested in trying to make things better. Just wants out of here. Says he is going to finish school, but I’m not sure of that at this point. So frustrating! What a waste! Don’t care if he goes to CC, 4 yr or gets a job, but right now, he isn’t prepared or interested in preparing for any of the options.</p>
<p>Lori mom, glad your S is home. It is difficult watching kids make decisions that will make their life more difficult in the end. Unfortunately, they aren’t always intersted in learning from our experience. I am sure your S will eventually end up in a good place, it will just be a longer road to hoe than you may like.</p>
<p>Most kids who look like a complete train wreck at 17 or 18 turn it around later on. There used to be a more philosophical attitude about this, to some extent. My grandmother used to say, “They all grow up.” She’d smile her enigmatic smile. She also used to say, “A students teach and B students end up working for C students.” This, of course, was a personal philosophy and things have certainly changed since then. For example, ALL boys used to go into the military–which does have a way of imparting discipline…</p>
<p>I hope you are doing nice things for yourself and taking care of yourself in all of this. I hope you are thinking about what you want and what you need. There is probably little you can do for your son but let him know that you are there if he is making good choices and ready to make some changes. My brother, who is wildly successful and has two kids and a great (who’d have thunk it?) wife, was a tragedy for years and didn’t really even start going until he was 30. He was the target of most of my grandmother’s rolled eyes and laughter. Drove my mother crazy, but she used to come by the house at least once a week and force my mother to think about and do something else.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Hang in there lori_mom. One thing that might help (we’ve gone through some similar motivational issues) is to focus on anything son is doing right. Is he completing at least some of his homework or schoolwork? Does he have decent grades in any subject (even health)? I’d emphasize that. Is he kind to his siblings – I’d mention that, and how this quality (kindess, whatever) shows that he really does have a good character.</p>
<p>I find it’s easy to get into the spiral of “why aren’t you doing x?” Then (esp boys–rebelling against the female dominant figure in their lives) will deliberately not do x, even if x is exceptionally helpful to them.</p>
<p>Best of luck.</p>
<p>^Ditto this post - I think it is important to accentuate the positive (however difficult that may be).</p>
<p>
I would add that a tremendous amount of affection should be added to the mix. When someone is not performing, we should try to be empathetic (while at the same time avoiding helicopter parenting). Easier said than done, of course!</p>
<p>I have found that the best way to help a struggling student is to try and “raise their bottom” (i.e. making the “hitting bottom” thing happen sooner) by allowing natural consequences to happen. At the same time, stress in the household can be diffused with authentic and healthy detachment on the part of parents. Faith that it will all work out the way it should goes a long way here (as does the serenity prayer). When young adults perceive that we really have stopped suffering, it can leave them with no more windmills to battle (and they are forced to look inside themselves for answers, rather than being distracted by their anger towards us).</p>
<p>Two more thoughts…</p>
<p>A big myth is that kids who have problems with drugs or alcohol can be identified by the friends they keep. You can still have high achieving friends and have the disease of addiction. It hits kids from all over the spectrum, and from every type of home. An above poster gave the kind advice that
Sad thing is, they don’t. We lose too many kids to accidental overdoses (too many kids who do not have the disease of addiction dabble at this stage of life with dangerous prescription meds and illegal drugs). Additionally, suicide does happen to a certain number of young adults each year (and more often than not they are male). Odds are, none of this stuff will happen to you or me. However, during very stressful times, it is best to have full information about what is possible (however unlikely).</p>
<p>Lastly, I believe it is very important for a young adult who is not ready for life to remain in the family home. If that is not possible, perhaps a trusted grandparent or relative could provide an interim residency. </p>
<p>My prayers and good wishes go your way, lori_mom.</p>
<p>Agreed. If the issues are with addiction then it is an entirely other story. I didn’t see anything in here about drinking or using drugs, but maybe I didn’t read it all that well. If it is possible to keep the “child” in the family home without completely disrupting the lives of everyone else involved, I agree completely. If, on the other hand, you just can’t live like that anymore, that’s fair too. </p>
<p>Regardless, and especially if there is addiction involved, OP would be advised by any professional to make sure she takes care of herself…This was my field for years, and the truth is there’s not a heck of a lot anyone can do to get someone to get help for this kind of thing (if this is in fact what’s going on) except love them and be there when they are ready for help. That’s just true. Sad. Absoluletly. Frustrating. Completely. Also, maddeningly, unequivocally, true.</p>
<p>lori_mom - my thoughts are with you during this difficult time with your S. You seen to be a great mom and all of the things you are doing are in line with what I would do if I were in your situation. I do not have any first hand advice for you as I have not been through anything like this with my DDs.</p>
<p>My niece who is now 27 years old has made bad choices beginning with running away at 14. She spent here hs years with top grades that would then fall to Fs. She did graduate and her grandparents supported her going to CC, but she dropped out after 1 semester. She has been back to CC 3 or 4 times only to keep dropping out. She works one minimum wage job after another. My brother and his wife continue to pick her up whenever she falls now, so I don’t know when she will ever “grow up.”</p>
<p>I appreciate the support. I am positive drugs/drinking are not involved with my S or his best friends. Not that it isn’t possible at any time. There is a strong family history of abuse and suicide. So, I am very aware of the possibilities, and have legitimate concerns, so keep a very close eye on those things, as well as the watchful eye of the TAG teacher. She is very quick to point out when she sees any signs that should be addressed.<br>
Oldest D is out of the house (mostly), working at a good job, doing what she went to school for! Second D is finishing her 2nd year at CC, planning on finishing at a 4 year, so will be moving to college in the fall. S is the youngest and last 
He gets along with both. And I have tried having the oldest talk with him, as she caused us a few headaches of her own, and hated us, etc. But nothing at this level.
We have always promoted the things he does right. Even thru this, attending the concert tonight where he is in a acapella guys group, and an acapella quartet that won outstanding performance at contest, as well as band and choir.
He varies as to his worst subject. There is none that he is ALWAYS doing well in. He can go from failing to an A in the same class, the next quarter. And from an A to failing in a few days. He turns in work when he chooses, never always in any class.
I have a great group of girlfriends, and they have been my lifesavers. However, none have been through this, and have little to say as far as advice. I have been ill the last year & 1/2, and stress adds to that, so I do my best to take the time for reading, friends, hot baths, and of course chocolate! Now, you guys are the support team also.</p>
<p>
It’s great that you are all over it (and understand the genetics, the warning signs, etc.). Thank God it sounds like this cup is passing him by. :)</p>
<p>It’s true that CC is an awesome place for touching base with many intelligent, knowledgeable, and generous fellowparents.</p>
<p>Well, what a difference a week makes. I am not holding my breath, but have had a great couple of days. </p>
<p>Things were still very difficult, nearly impossible here, up until Wednesday about 11 a.m. Went to the concert Tuesday night (which was mostly excllent), as well as grandparents and 1 sister. He barely spoke to us parents, but was OK with the other 3. Wednesday morning didn’t get up for school. When I went down, said he had a headache & wasn’t going. After a few hours, convinced him to take something for it. He then showered, worked on homework, chatted pleasantly with me, went to school late in the day and met with a teacher after school. </p>
<p>Thursday was the college visit. He wasn’t going if school work wasn’t done. He got up & ready, and we had a great day. Had arranged a personal visit, because he had already spent a few days at a camp on the campus. He met most, if not all, the computer programmer instructors, talked with several kids in the program. We were invited to sit in on some class time, talk with the kids, see what they were doing, sit in on a couple different presentations by students in the program. Found out about placement after completion, internships, got some info on scholarship possibilities, EC’s like Cross Country, choir (which will count as a culture class credit), saw the new apartment style dorms. Ate lunch in the cafeteria. Overall, a great day. </p>
<p>He napped on the way home, but I did get a little feedback first- he thinks it is very interesting, and sees what his habits would do in that setting. Basically set him up to fail. There was also a repeat student there- been in the program way longer than the other students- doesn’t go to class and complete the work. And a student that was on that path, and correcte things himself. Also found out which classes he should take on-line during his senior year, to lighten his load if he ends up there. Then we stopped by the HS, picked up some homework, and he spent the evening working on that. Even let me read (look at, I can’t read Spanish) his childrens book project, and then he read it to us! </p>
<p>This morning, went in early to breakfast study club (a group of kids meet, eat outside the school, help each other with homework) after school, had a student help with homework, called home to get permission, and is going to eat Sushi with his group of friends, a few of which are Sr’s, and a couple of friends back from college- one which he would like to attend. And he agreed to work off the $$ from us.</p>
<p>So, in true Dr Jeckle/Mr Hyde fashion, I have no idea which kid it will be tomorrow, but I am very thankful for the last few days. Knowing I am not the only one feeling what I feel, and getting the advice and experience of the rest of you- including the student- was really great. So, until the tide (Hyde) turns again- and I’m sure it won’t be smooth sailing from here on out- I am going to enjoy the smooth ride and float along for a while And, I have absolutely NO IDEA what brought on the change!</p>
<p>Well, I just finished the books recommended. Local library didn’t have then, but our great librarian borrowed for me. I probably read them in the wrong order, because that is how they arrived. Ready or Not, Here Life Comes was my first. I did discuss some things from it with my S. Next was the Myth of Laziness. While I can definately see my son has trouble in both the time concept and the organization topics, the problem I have with it is, we are all aware of his strengths and weaknesses, and he has straight out refused to use any suggested tools or personal help in improving his skills in the weak areas. I just finished the second book, and will try to get him to read the relevant portions. However, he has reverted back to the dark side, though not running away again yet. (I believe because he wanted some freedom over the weekend, he acted the way I wanted, then reverted back as soon as it was over.) Refuses to do work that he desperately needs to do, and the school year is coming to an end. Insists he will get it done- he will find time somewhere to do it all at the end. And he knows the results of his poor grades for his summer free time. Anyway, I guess I would say that the books reinforced my opinion, but I can’t see how to get him to agree to any attempts at improving.</p>
<p>Oh, I did try to discuss his behavior change- said he had been great for those few days, interested, pleasant, eager to work. Had I done something, or had something else happened to change his attitude? He said he wasn’t going to tell me why- he wouldn’t talk to me about it.</p>
<p>Just a quick update after the end of the school year. Did pass his classes, but just barely. D- in one, with note on the report card that he doesn’t turn in assignments on time. It was a writing class, and had he turned in all assignments on time for full credit, instead of almost all late for 1/2 credit (and always on the last date for 1/2 credit) the grade would have been in the A range. He did fail one semester test. So, the battle of the summer has begun </p>
<p>As another side note, my half-sister was able to spend some time with him. Don’t see her very often- lives elsewhere. But, she works in a program that deals with troubled youth. So, in her professional opinion (she did go to college for youth counceling- not sure of the exact degree, but educated and experienced in dealing with them) he is not depressed or a danger to himself. Sadly, she sees alot of the same issues in my S as her clients. Was wishing he could be court mandated to complete the assignments on time like many of her kids- penalty being revokation of probation :)</p>
<p>Again, thanks for all the support here- if things change dramatically in any way, I’ll be back!</p>
<p>lori_mom, I don’t know whether you are still checking this thread, but I hope so, because I have a suggestion for you. I’ve read much of the thread, not all of it, and quite a few things you posted resonated with me. I have recently read Empowering Underachievers, by Peter Sestak, and it has completely changed the way I view DS and our situation. He has a website, appliedmotivation.com, where you can read some material. He has a very different outlook and a very different approach, and his take on things rang true for me.</p>
<p>Best of luck from another mother of yet another bright, underachieving, son.</p>
<p>Honestly, when I saw this, I thought it was about my youngest son! Been that way since 2nd grade. Nothing like his siblings, and since I was fully awake for his birth,I know he’s mine, but I don’t understand genetic recombination a bit…Thank God for sports, which is the only reason he now bothers to pass anything- has to stay eligible for soccer and track. None of this seems to bother him a bit. He’s even too lazy to be classed as an underachiever. I am at my wits end with him and have no leverage since his father (my ex,thankfully) has the boy convinced that he (dad) will “pull political strings to get him into a great college”. And the kid believes him!! Which is worse?</p>