<p>vicariousparent, you made a good point I had not considered yet. It might be best for them to establish themselves as a couple first not in either family’s backyard. It’d be impossible for my son to judge how much respect they might accord him because he’s only met them once and the father speaks little English.</p>
<p>no one is forcing the man to follow his love, he would be making an informed choice…it will either work out or it won’t</p>
<p>that is part of life, can’t control who someone falls for- or what their families are like…</p>
<p>I think it would be a mistake to start suggesting to your S that they move elsewhere. What could happen as a result that advice is that your S and his girlfriend get miffed, feeling that you’re interferring in their business. The girlfriend or her family also may have hurt feelings – the kind of hurt feelings that make things very strained between the families even during a wedding and afterward.</p>
<p>Your S and his girlfriend are adults. In general, it’s wise to give adults advice only if they ask for it. Lots of people become resentful when they get unsolicited advice about changing decisions that they are happy with.</p>
<p>If you have connections that could help your S get established in a job in Seattle, I imagine that’s the kind of help he and his girlfriend would appreciate.</p>
<p>I was just about to post that it would be reasonable to ask your S to budget trips home to you, even if he has to scrimp on pleasure vacations for himself, for a few years at least.</p>
<p>Then the thread turned to what that mean-ol Korean mom might be thinking, and I lost my composure.</p>
<p>You have no idea what’s on anyone’s mind except you, your H, and as much as your S can share with you.</p>
<p>It seems reasonable to communicate feelings to your S; assume they will be transmitted to the girlfriend. While you’re at it, if you’re concerned the other family doesn’t care much about your S, express that to your S. You own your feelings and have the right to express them, even with the caveat that you only want to share your heart with your S, not change his mind. It will be up to their D to stand up for him and help define their needs as a couple within the extended family. Plant that idea in him now so he can carry forward if he feels emotionally isolated there. A good thing would be to explore whether her family has some career leads for him to pursue. If she wants them to come home, perhaps she can investigate or send him links. Good practice for considering two young adults, not just one.</p>
<p>I see where you’re headed, thinking maybe they should both go to some neutral location. That works if they have enough salary to visit both sets of parents. An advantage of them locating near one set or the other, is you can ask that all family travel be devoted to the one who doens’t have the residence nearby.</p>
<p>We (my 5) all live by emails, occasional visits these days and it really is very different than when they all grew up here. But I think: what if my own Mom had told me not to move away to marry my excellent H; what life would I have today?
And these 3 kids I love, never would have come to be. I don’t believe that people are interchangeable cogs. If your S is truly and deeply in love, he might never find anyone this great again and would resent you for keeping him in his home region and lose her.
You can only work on the present information. </p>
<p>BUt it is a huge adjustment, that’s for sure. Ha, I should talk; am busy trying to gather 3 in late December, when just two of them live two states away, and that’s not so easy with their job schedules. Close-by is no guarantee, that’s my point.</p>
<p>" was just about to post that it would be reasonable to ask your S to budget trips home to you, even if he has to scrimp on pleasure vacations for himself, for a few years at least."</p>
<p>Sorry, but that doesn’t seem reasonable to me. I don’t think that the OP has the right to tell her adult son how he should spend his limited leisure time (and usually vacation time is very limited for new employees) and money.</p>
<p>It does seem reasonable for the OP and her husband to scrimp on pleasure vacations for themselves if they’d like to see their son more often. It also seems reasonable for the OP to check with her son and his girlfriend to make sure that the OP’s vacation plans are convenient for the couple and that that the OP doesn’t expect the son and girlfriend to spend every minute of their free time with the OP. Again, young couples usually don’t have a lot of time off, so it would be kind and loving for the OP to make some plans to do more in Seattle than spend every minute with the S and his girlfriend.</p>
<p>“An advantage of them locating near one set or the other, is you can ask that all family travel be devoted to the one who doens’t have the residence nearby.”</p>
<p>A lot of adults would resent being told by their parents how to spend their vacation time. Seems to me that the OP needs to focus on the things that she really does have control of: How she spends her own vacation time.</p>
<p>If people read the OP, the only thing we know right now is that the girlfriend has expressed a desire to relocate to Seattle to be closer to her family, which has been ‘actively campaigning’ to get the couple to move.</p>
<p>The OP does not say (may not yet know) how her son feels about this, but she does say that her son loves his current job in New England. </p>
<p>OP starts out correctly saying that the decision should be his/theirs without parental involvement/guilt. </p>
<p>I am just pointing out that based on the available information, it looks like there already is parental involvement/guilt in play in this decision.</p>
<p>“I am just pointing out that based on the available information, it looks like there already is parental involvement/guilt in play in this decision.”</p>
<p>That’s true. Two wrongs don’t make a right.</p>
<p>For all we know, too, the OP’s S may have stayed in New England into adulthood due to what he may feel was parental overinvolvement and guilt.</p>
<p>Ouch. You’re gonna get flamed for that…</p>
<p>Interesting concept - choosing one’s domicile because it is a “neutral location”.</p>
<p>This thread makes me think of the hilarous movie “My big fat Greek wedding”. While the whole movie is from the perspective of the Greek American girl and the Greek family is really endearing and of course I was really happy for the young couple, I did pause to marvel at how the boy and his parents were being completely steamrollered over by the girl’s family. I’m not sure how I would feel if I were in the shoes of the groom’s parents in that movie.</p>
<p>I think it’s totally legitimate to express fears and concerns to our adult children and it’s also ok to want to enjoy the company of someone we love dearly on a regular basis. I also think that it’s fricking bizarre to not want to be the grandparents who babysit regularly, go to all the school events and are a regular part of our grandchildren’s lives. It may not work out that way, but just as we have dreams and aspirations as parents of newborns, we also have dreams and aspirations as parents of adults and as grandparents. Being sad, hurt and afraid if we have to let go of those dreams and aspirations (or even being kind of sure that we have to let go) is normal and ok. Manipulating our kids or failing to live our lives is not ok, but having those feelings, expressing them, and hopefully letting them go is human. That said, I’m not sure about Asian moms, but in my community, the Italian moms are tough. My MIL was one but she didn’t give a rat’s backside about her kids or grandkids, so I got to spend every holiday/event with my own mom. The mother-daughter bond is often a pretty strong one. My mother always said the old poem “a son’s a son till he takes a wife but a daughter’s a daughter all of her life” and it’s completely true in every instance in our family. Even nephew married since the spring has already made it clear that, even though he lives between both families, he will be visiting his inlaws for most holidays.</p>
<p>Not to cause any more anxiety/stress, but I just noticed that OP mentioned that the in-laws barely speak any english. I have a friend whose in-laws speak minimal english, and whenever they visit, the inlaws speak to the friends wife in only their native language. My friend feels completely left out, and sometimes imagines being talked about, even though probably untrue.</p>
<p>His next concern is that the children will be taught that language (and why not) but then he is going to feel even more left out.</p>
<p>Marriages of mixed cultures, races and religions take a lot of work and understanding on both sides.</p>
<p>Has your S spent a week out there yet with the family? He might be able to make a more informed choice. Even if he’s been there before, it might be time for a visit with all of this in the air, so he can size things up before he decides whether and how to move there.</p>
<p>I just picked up that he already has a job here. Why doesn’t he just let her return home for a one-year trial separation, with visits every long weekend? I don’t get that, just quitting a job. She can ask him to move back with her, but I don’t think it’s actually fair for her to posit her relationship upon him doing so in her precise timeframe, unless it matches his professional as well as personal needs. How fair is it for her to request this of him? Would he ask her similarly, if the tables were reversed?</p>
<p>This could be a good year for a trial apart, if he’d consider it. That might depend which he finds more bearable: the thought of moving out a year from now, or the thought of returning to the Northeast in a year if it all goes sour out there. Either way, I think a mature relationship, worthy of marriage, could withstand a year apart.</p>
<p>If it were me, I’d put these out as suggestions, “have you considered this or that option” but be prepared for S to do exactly as he feels he must at this moment. He’s an adult. Support his choice, whatever it is, and that’s the best longterm strategy for loving extended families to survive the miles.</p>
<p>The comment from my prospective daughter-in-law was, this weekend SON and I are going to chose cities to apply for jobs in. And my mother has mentioned several companies that SON could apply to in Seattle. No mention of living in Boston area where my son already has a great job and there is at least one prestigious pharmaceutical company she could apply to which has an entire department devoted to the disease she has spent six years researching. The upshot is, I took it to mean she is getting pressure to move home from her family, and BTW, she’d really like to.<br>
Our whole family approves of this relationship; she has gone out of her way to win each member’s approval, I believe now knowing the challenges that moving down the road would bring to bear.</p>
<p>So, yes, if my son wants the move we’ll be supportive; their happiness trumps ours. IF finances permitted my husband and I could always keep an apartment in Seattle (big IF).
(See how far we have come with this news in only a few days’ time!) And my son spent a week there last summer and tried really hard to fit in, so he has some idea of what he’d be up against.</p>
<p>However, there’d still be a lot of work to be done for his father and I to reach that point. She has compared her extended family as the BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING in comparison to ours, family get-togethers with karoke in Korean, lots of cultural differences to navigate. I’ve worked for a Chinese family for 30 years and they don’t sound in any way similar. If anyone knows of any novels about Korean families I’d be willing to educate myself!</p>
<p>The point of this thread is not “location.” The point is FAMILY. The obvious fact of life in contemporary America is that adult children with intellectual capital, curiosity or wherewithal often leave home with skant intention of returning to the home of their childhood. Clearly, the poster’s son and future daughter-in-law already know the plus and minuses of moving away. And as one respondent already said, one set of in-laws is inevitably going to be dissapointed. Wish the children well, hope that they’ll return one day or at least visit regularly, and make plans to travel yourself.</p>
<p>My experience with my child does not involve a significant other, but does involve him living far away from us. In 2002, he was accepted to many fine universities on the East Coast, where we live, as well as one on the West Coast, which he did not visit until his acceptance. After visiting this far away school and re-visiting several other East Coast schools, he decided to attend the West Coast school which turned out to be a fantastic choice for him. When he started to think about jobs for after graduation, he asked us if we would be upset if he stayed on the West Coast and we honestly answered that, although it would be wonderful to have him closer, he should do whatever he thought was best for him. To tell the truth, when he left for college on the West Coast, I did not assume that he necessarily would be returning to live near us. He is currently working at a great job in a wonderful location on the West Coast and we are very happy for him. I think if there were grandchildren involved (which I do not predict will happen in the near future as he is only 23 years old and does not have a serious gf) I might feel more regret at not being nearby and able to visit more often, but right now, I can talk to him frequently and see him at my home or his location several times a year. To me, this is an appropriate amount of seeing one’s parents for a young adult starting out in his career.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>You are neither the first nor the last family to face this issue. Seattle is one of those places lots of people have moved to from elsewhere, as I’m sure native Seattleans will be happy to grouse about. People seem to like it alot. I have a close friend from high school, a college roommate, and a niece who are living there far from their families, and a cousin who recently moved back East after 13 years there.</p></li>
<li><p>If you want to count your blessings, consider my poor uncle: Apart from college and the military, he never lived anywhere but Philadelphia. Same with two of his three siblings; the other one lived in Boston. In the space of about five years in the late 70s-early 80s, (1) his middle child eloped in Denmark, (2) his oldest child was forced by the vagaries of the academic job market to move from Princeton NJ to southern Minnesota, and (3) his youngest child moved to Japan to pursue her career. For 15 years, his three children were living about as far as one could imagine from him and from each other. (What he got out of it was more world travel than he ever thought he would do.) Now, 10 years after that, he’s living a mile or two from one of them, and the two others live 20 minutes apart and see each other at least weekly.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I’d feel fortunate if all my kids ended up in N America, much less any similar part of the country. It’s sad, and I have to work on not being too attached, though have a great time living vicariously through their adventures. This year, I have one instate, one in S. America, one in Asia. The same two were in Europe and S. America on other experiences 2 years ago. One brother is in Australia, as he has been for years. But have had overseas family all my life. </p>
<p>We did have a great big Korean wedding in our family last year. At the sushi place where we had the rehearsal dinner, Korean owned, kareoke (sp?) in Korean was the evening event, and the dad of the family we called the Korean Elvis. He was an outstanding singer, and stage presence. There was a list of English language songs, and my brother and I sang Brown Eyed Girl together. My kids were so embarrassed they just stared at the table the entire time. I had a blast, as did my brother, the groom, and I think (hope) participation was appreciated by the rest of the crowd. Actually, they were very sweet.</p>
<p>Also – novels about the Korean-American experience: </p>
<p>Recently, there is Free Food For Millionaires, which lots of people seem to like. I also remember one called Native Speaker a few years ago. (I don’t remember any of the authors’ names, unfortunately.)</p>
<p>Thanks for the info; it helps!</p>
<p>We live in SoCal, D goes to college In New England and I’ve read the Tarot and cast the I Ching and it seems exceedingly likely that she will be working on the East coast for quite a while. One deals. And takes joy in the experiences of our children.</p>
<p>D likes New England very much, fwiw. But the biggest impression on her is how “tribal” it is: what kind of hyphenated-American you are or what township you come from or the tradition-laden “Who are your people?”, all of which may exist out here but in attenuated forms. “Parochial” comes to mind.</p>
<p>Seattle is a great place. You should visit and give it a chance. It has both ocean <em>and</em> trees with seasons. Culturally, it’s a great melting pot.</p>