<p>On Modern Family, Gloria finally admitted that she is always late because she wants to make “a big entrance.” Everyone is there to exclaim that she looks beautiful, is wearing a fabulous dress, etc. That sounds exactly like an acquaintance of mine, only she is not looking for kudos on her appearance, but sympathy for all the travails which caused her to be late. You all know the type, I’m sure.</p>
<p>Book lady…you are lucky that works with your friends. We have a chronically late SIL. We tried the setting the time earlier than needed but she was still late. We flatly refuse to hold meals for her,and have left without her on more,than one occasion. She doesnt see this as a problem…and laughs it off every time. She has missed airplanes, dinners, weddings, starts to numerous events, and was almost 2 hours late to her own wedding…and no that is not made up or a misprint. </p>
<p>Like I said…chronic lateness is RUDE especially when it involves others. </p>
<p>The OP has two choices…speak up and hope for a solution. Or beg out.</p>
<p>If I were speaking up, I would say “we have waited for your son each week for nearly 20 minutes. We cannot continue to do so. If he is able to be out the door at the mutually agreed upon time, we can continue this carpool. If not, I’m sorry, but we will have to end this arrangement. We can no longer tolerate his lateness making us late.”</p>
<p>Then have the backbone to stand behind your words. If the kid is late…when you drop him off, tell the mom it is the LAST time you will be driving him…and remind her why.</p>
<p>She can be late all on her own. There is no need to be involved in this…unless you want to be.</p>
<p>Not sure why OP is posting. I don’t think this is a big deal to OP, otherwise she would have done something about this years ago. A rational adult would have told the kid, “I will be here at X:00 time. If you are not ready by X:05, then you would need to find another way of getting there.” Last time I looked, that’s how bus operates. I am sure after missing the ride a few times, he’ll be on time or arrange for a different transportation.</p>
<p>I don’t think I’ve read this suggestion yet:</p>
<p>Do exactly the same thing right back. Have your son start getting ready when she pulls up in front of your house. Do this a few times. Yes, you’ll be even more late those times, but it will probably get her thinking. Worth a try!</p>
<p>The people I know who are always late are so not because of control issues, but just not knowing when it is time to start to get ready. You would think after a few times being late they would catch on, but they just don’t.</p>
<p>I think sometimes it’s stubborness…not wanting to admit that they didn’t do it right before. H will not put “pad” in. Then when he’s late, he just says that he had “bad luck”. By saying it’s “bad luck” he doesn’t feel the need to change what he’s doing. </p>
<p>It’s annoying because when you purposely only allow “the exact amount” of travel time, then any slip-up (oops, got to get gas, dang, there’s an accident) causes you to be late.</p>
<p>Not sure why OP is posting. I don’t think this is a big deal to OP, otherwise she would have done something about this years ago</p>
<p>I wouldn’t say that. Many people have trouble with confrontation…especially women. And, it’s especially hard to confront “nice people”, which the mom says this other mom is.</p>
<p>*but the one which resonated with me relative to my DH was “arrogance.” It’s not arrogance in the way you might think, it’s an arrogance to think one can leave at the last minute, leave no time for contingencies like traffic or red lights, etc. and still come out okay. This person basically thinks they are so special that no matter what, things will go their way so that they get there on time. When I heard that one, I thought “bingo.” DH always has a belief that things will go his way. *</p>
<p>Yep…and when things don’t go right, H says he had "bad luck’. He’ll even say, “I did everything right, I left with enough time to get there, but bad luck happened.” (see, it was important for him to state that HE didn’t do anything wrong, so he doesn’t have to do anything different in the future.)</p>
<p>H’s parents worked for themselves and had a loosey-goosey schedule, so they weren’t used to sticking to a schedule.</p>
<p>These are high-school kids? I’m sorry, but you are not doing the other kid or his mom any favors by letting this go on. By age 15 or whatever kids should have mastered the life skill of being punctual. This kid, if not retrained, will go on to be late to class in college and job interviews and everything else. Right now you are unfortunately enabling the behavior because you are trying to be nice and understanding.</p>
<p>One thing that I haven’t seen suggested is to calculate the cost per minute of lateness to the lesson. If nothing else works you could tell him and his mom that you are going to have to charge him for the time YOUR son is missing when he doesn’t arrive at the start time.</p>
<p>Yes, but it’s been several years. She should have been confronted after several times. It will be a lot harder now.</p>
<p>My H is chronically late. He will tell you it’s because he hates to waste time. Thus, 10 minutes before it’s time to go he’s in the shower. So annoying!</p>
<p>Agree with oldfort. If this has gone on for so long, the OP is obviously not all that interested in solving the problem. Suggestions have been offered. Bets on whether any changes are made???</p>
<p>Interesting…unless I missed a post or two, I don’t think anyone suggested the situation is fine the way it is. Now really…when is there that much agreement on a CC thread?</p>
<p>My guess is the OP just wanted to vent…not listen to advice…same old, same old.</p>
<p>I don’t think she just wants to vent, she wrote this in two posts…</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>No, he does not get ready when the car pulls up. He starts to think about getting ready after someone (usually my son, me today) gets out of the car, goes up on the porch, rings the doorbell, goes into the house.</p>
<p>I will have to talk to the mother. </p>
<p>I often get there 10 mins early, so they are not usually late, or very late, when I drive. But I don’t particularly like having to get there early, either!*</p>
<p>She’s agreed to confront the mom. Hopefully, she’s gotten some idea of the “right words” to use to end this nonsense. </p>
<p>I’m appalled that this kid doesn’t do a dang thing until the doorbell is rung and the person comes into the home.</p>
<p>I’m appalled this has been going on for years!</p>
<p>Flossy–my H is always getting IN the shower when it is time to leave. We have 7 kids and I would have all kids ready, and we’re all waiting for him. . .(Yeah, he hates to waste his time, but has no problem wasting everyone else’s.)
Do these people also run their gas tanks dry? I truly HATE both of these habits, yet I married someone who is both chronically late, and doesn’t think he needs gas until the light comes on (and often leaves the empty car for ME to refill. . .) H and I should not be living on the same PLANET–so far apart is our understanding on these two issues. It’s a mystery how we’ve managed to live in the same house for 27 years.
(btw, counting my blessings that 2 long-term school and sport carpools that I’ve been in for years are composed of reliable, respectful, punctual folks!) As already suggested, if I were in this situation, I would tell the kid/mom, if you’re not in the car by X time, I will leave. Then I would do that until he catches on.</p>
<p>I think it’s interesting that everyone who has posted is an on time person who is annoyed by late people. </p>
<p>I have a SIL who is also always late. The funny thing is that when you turn the tables on her and you are late, she gets annoyed. </p>
<p>Personally I think it’s a form of selfishness and self absorption when people are chronically late. It’s doesn’t mean that they are bad people but that the only thing that matters is them and how things are for them and not the people around them.</p>
<p>It’s an all about me attitude when you get down to it. </p>
<p>OP you have my sympathy. Personally, I think you could talk to the mother but I have an inkling that she doesn’t see a problem and it won’t change anything.</p>
<p>*This has been going on for several years. *</p>
<p>Several years ago I would have said " carpooling just isn’t working for us".
I don’t expect that after several years of developing the habit, you will be able to get anyone to change now.</p>
<p>If you still insist on teaching an old dog new tricks, tell him in writing how you feel( because it may be less stressful, than just having an adult “nag” him & because then there is no misunderstanding. Tell him that next time you will wait _____ minutes & then you will leave- then do so.
Have you asked his mom for suggestions?
I would show up early & bring a book.</p>
<p>I would NOT show up early and bring a book. This makes it OK for this kid to lolly gag about and not be ready…and maybe, just maybe the OP has better things to do with 20 minutes of HER time than wait for an irresponsible and rude family to get their act together week after week…for years.</p>
<p>Sorry…I would call their house twenty minutes before I was leaving mine…and say…“I’m on my way. Be at the door when I get there.” And if the kid wasn’t there, I’d leave. Do it once or twice and inconvenience HIS mom…and maybe there will be a change.</p>
<p>I wouldnt sit there indefinitely, but its gone on for years, I dont think taking a couple times arriving 15min early to give a visual check ( but still leaving if he isnt ready) is too much out of my way.</p>
<p>What if you just carpool home so the boys can still have dinner together and this way your son won’t be late to practice.</p>
<p>Is there a chance that you could discreetly get the coach involved? Clue him in if he doesn’t already know the back story for why the boys are always late, and maybe he could have a “talk” with the boys/parents in the position of annoyed professional authority figure. Maybe he could impose some kind of penalty for tardiness that would motivate reformed behavior. For example, one of my son’s soccer coaches had any player who was late run a lap around the soccer complex for each minute late-- after practice so the parent could sit and wait for the player. Of course, if a player was late for a previously excused reason there was no penalty “I wasn’t ready to leave on time” was not an excused reason.</p>
<p>It is not likely that a coach would be willing to stick his nose into parents carpool issues</p>
<p>Punctuality between some friends having a casual get together in the evening/weekends like a meetup at a restaurant, we give each other mutually agreed half-hour windows as most are arriving via public transportation from some far away workplaces/homes and we’re not the types to be too formal in that context. </p>
<p>However, for more formal or serious events requiring necessitating timeliness to ensure smooth coordination of transportation/logistics like OP’s situation, being chronically late is unacceptable. Whether it’s extended family events, dates*, or arriving for school/work…being late was unacceptable and negative consequences would usually result. </p>
<p>Had one HS government teacher junior year who would literally lock out students and mark them absent for the period if they were even a second late after the starting bell for a morning class. If students/parents complained, she’d state that she’s doing this to drive home the lesson that being late is unacceptable and failure to learn that will have more serious consequences when they become adults in the professional and personal contexts. </p>
<p>Basically, one needs to leave those chronically late at the curb when they aren’t ready/on-time and not be sorry about it. I encouraged a friend to do precisely that to a flaky mutual friend of ours couple of years ago because if we waited for said friend to show up ready, we’d probably end up never leaving the house to go see a historical monument as it was a few hours drive each way. </p>
<ul>
<li>I’ve lost count of how many friends of both genders have complained about having to drop dates/SOs because their level of non-punctuality/reliability became a serious irritant, if not a serious liability.<br></li>
</ul>
<p>On the flipside, I’ve also heard some musicians/artist acquaintances who are known to be chronically late whine about how folks expecting punctuality were “frustrating their creativity”, “too fascist”, etc when they ended up being told off/fired by band member friends for being chronically late or worse, no-shows to paying gigs they’ve agreed to beforehand. They tend to be regarded as occupational hazards by musicians/creative artist friends frustrated by numerous examples they’ve encountered IRL. I have absolutely no sympathy for those “creative” flaky acquaintances.</p>