<p>Move the goal posts. Ask the coach to start the lesson 15 minutes later (or whatever period would cover the habitual delay) and don’t tell the other family. They’ll still think they’re causing you to be late and won’t notice, though there will probably be a subtle improvement in the skill of both kids since they’ll be getting the full benefit of the coaching.</p>
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Why should this be the coach’s problem? We live in a society that doesn’t want to take responsibility for our own actions. So now we are going to ask the coach to make it his issue. </p>
<p>I suspect the OP fears there will be negative repercussions in her and her son’s relationship with this family if she speaks up. So she has to decide between being late or losing the friendship.</p>
<p>Sadly, chronically late individuals just don’t change, and my theory is they choose relationships based on whether they think the other person will tolerate their lateness or not.</p>
<p>what if the coach has back to back lessons scheduled? Moving the start time would not work. The issue is with the inconsiderate mom/kid, and everyone else (carpooler, kid,coach, other students) should not have to do a dance around this person. She is the problem, and needs to be gently, kindly but clearly told. Maybe, maybe she doesn’t realize (doubtful) but unless there is a willingness to say “I cannot continue to be late, and if he cannot be ready on time you will have to consider other options”, then don’t expect any change.</p>
<p>*Quote:
I feel that what is on time is up to ten minutes late, however I am never late for reservations or something that I am paying money for.</p>
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So if it affects you negatively, you can be on time, but if it’s just inconveniencing someone else or wasting their time, you are okay with it. I appreciate your honesty, but that attitude is exactly what we are referring to when we say it is very rude, selfish, and disrespectful. Is it the worst thing a person could do? Of course not. But don’t kid yourself; 10 minutes late is not on time, it is 10 minutes of someone waiting on you whose time is just as valuable as yours. It’s late, not “on time.”*</p>
<p>lol…bluntly, yes.</p>
<p>But, if the 10-minutes-late person isn’t keeping anyone waiting, such as showing up late for a deskjob that doesn’t impact anyone else (when the office has flex-time leniency), then it’s ok…maybe that’s what she meant?</p>
<p>however, if she thinks that keeping others waiting up to 10 minutes is “on time”, but has other rules when her own money or time is at risk, then yes, that’s not cool.</p>
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<p>Good! Sounds like NYmom is going to speak to the other mom…let us know how that goes.</p>
<p>NYmom,
I would have a conversation with the mom and say some of what you said in your last post. Clearly she is unaware that this issue is a problem for you. Once you are honest with her, she will know that the consequences of her son’s tardiness are tangible.</p>
<p>I know it is VERY hard to bring a complaint to a dear friend. We’ve all been in that situation.</p>
<p>This isn’t the same thing, but it speaks to the discomfort that these times can be:</p>
<p>When my younger child was about 1 year’s old, I noticed that my best friend’s son (4 at the time) was mean to him…and it wasn’t a one time thing. I kept them apart as much as I could or supervised closely when together. Fast forward a few years… this same friend’s son did something very mean to my son who was about 5 years old. I had “had it”. I finally mentioned it to my friend who was appalled at her son’s behavior and quickly addressed it. It didn’t have any negative affect at all on our friendship, which is what I had feared. </p>
<p>I suggest that when NYMom speak to this mom she have an “upbeat” tone in her voice (not whining or annoyed). I don’t mean silly, upbeat…just something that doesn’t sound mean/judgemental. </p>
<p>Something along the line of: The lessons cost us both a lot of money and we’re losing practice time when we’re late. I need Johnny to be completely ready and waiting at the door for pick up at 5:00. Can you make sure that he’s at the door by then?</p>
<p>How are the consequences tangible if OP is unwilling to stop carpooling or leave the kid behind if he is late? IF one is really afraid that being honest with a dear friend will ruin the friendship, then I would question how solid that friendship is. If I did this to someone else and they told me it was a problem, I would be horrified and falling all over myself apologizing. And my behavior would change. If none of this happens, then the woman maybe isnt such a good fiend if she (a) is annoyed/ makes excuses or (b) doesn’t change.</p>
<p>In my religion/culture we sometimes talk about a time being “ish”. For eg- “we will sit down for dinner at 7ish.” That usually, IMO, translates into maybe a 15 minute window. There are some people who will be coming to our Thanksgiving who have been late in the past. I hope it doesn’t happen again this year, as we don’t want the food to get cold. Oh, and they announced that they were bringing one daus boyfriend. He lives locally. Why is he coming to my house? And she didnt ask- she just told me. Rude. The VERY late family (very late both times they were invited) didn’t get invited this year. With all sorts of dietary issues with this year’s invitees (gluten free, kosher, vegetarian) I don’t want to deal with late/cold, to be perfectly honest. One year I had an invited family ask us to change the time (by several hours) to accommodate them. Um, no.</p>
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<p>Sounds about like “gay time,” which two of my dear friends introduced me to. If they say “come at 6:30,” they would really rather have me arrive around 6:45 or 7. Of course, if it was a big production like Thanksgiving, they would be clear on when the meal would be served.</p>
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<p>In my book, yes, that would be different.</p>
<p>IME, being invited for dinner at 6:30 means you should really show up at around 6:45. Anytime between 6:30 and 7:00 is OK with me. </p>
<p>We have some friends who show up for a 6:30 invitation at 6:20. It throws me for a loop every time, since I’m not ready!</p>
<p>My wedding invitation indicated a 2:00 PM ceremony. I was shocked when the photographer asked me what the real time was for the ceremony. Ummm – 2:00 PM!!</p>
<p>^ In that case, (post#89) the person isn’t really “late”, IMO.</p>
<p>I once had to delicately tell a friend her son was stealing. She denied it. Then, later that year he came for halloween and took several candy bars. While its no big deal, we reminded him that it was early (this was just when they were heading out to trick or treat) and that we would like everyone to have just one candy bar (they were full sized) and we’d see if we had extra at the end of the evening to give to him. He lied and said he had only one (we SAW him put the extras in his pocket). </p>
<p>Mom in return called and claimed that her son was seeing something on our s’s computer that she didn’t want him to see. I said that I would look into it and address it. My s said that that did not happen and it was another lie, perhaps to shift the blame. We were able to check the history on that computer and our s was telling the truth. Sadly, hers was not. And even more unfortunately, her son, who has remained friends with my s, has had a very stormy and challenging time growing up. I feel really badly for her, her son and her family, but unfortunately she was not open to hearing or addressing a problem when it was brought to her attention delicately. That said, it has not affected our friendship.</p>
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<p>OMG, this is my dad. He does not understand that most people are seldom ready early, and that they do not exactly appreciate punctuality when they are hosting events at their homes.</p>
<p>We did that once-- showed up early. It was on purpose. It was for a “tacky party”. Remember those?</p>
<p>^Well, in that case it was perfectly appropriate! :)</p>
<p>*Quote:
In mu religion/culture we sometimes talk about a time being “ish”. For eg- “we will sit down for dinner at 7ish.” That usually, IMO, translates into maybe a 15 minute window.
*</p>
<p>lol…I thought “ish” was American culture. </p>
<p>I think many of us directly or indirectly use “ish” for the time a meal will be served because unless we have hired-help, it’s gonna be “ish”. ;)</p>
<p>“I feel that what is on time is up to ten minutes late, however I am never late for reservations or something that I am paying money for.”</p>
<p>Does it matter to you that most other people don’t feel this way?</p>
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<p>^^^^I think showing up early could be interpreted to be just as inconsiderate as tardiness.</p>
<p>My Dad always shows up early when invited over. I think he worries about being late, so he always leaves his house very early (they live 40 minutes away). It irks me to no end when he shows up 20-30 mins early for a dinner invitation as we are always ready on time, but never early.</p>
<p>I finally just started telling him 30 minutes later than I want them to come over.</p>
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<p>If someone is picking me up to go somewhere, you can bet that I’m waiting at the front window with my coat on and ready to go. I’m also punctual for reservations, or if I’m driving a group of friends for a reservation. I’m talking more about being late for a shopping date where we said meeting around 10 am. I personally don’t care if someone calls me and says they are running late as long as we’re not going to be late for something that has time constraints. If a friend and I agreed to meet at Barnes and Noble at noon, I wouldn’t care if she arrived at 12:15 and I probably wouldn’t notice. I’m trying to say that exact promptness depends on the situation. </p>
<p>Life is too short to waste time and energy being mad at people that are scrambling to get everything done.</p>
<p>No, my job is not one where my arrival (early or late) is of any consequence and it’s not unusual for one of us to arrive a few minutes after a scheduled time. Part of that is that our start time is opening a building, which has quite a bit of time padded into it. Meetings are something where being on time counts and I am not late to them. </p>
<p>OP, I really do think you can have a good conversation with your friend about the time issue. I would bet you money that she has no idea how much it bothers you. I will absolutely change my behavior if I know that what I’m doing is fixable and that if bothers someone and it would make an overall difference in our friendship.</p>
<p>*If someone is picking me up to go somewhere, you can bet that I’m waiting at the front window with my coat on and ready to go. *</p>
<p>Right!</p>
<p>And the point of this thread was a mom who’s upset that the child is not waiting at the door…the child doesn’t even start to get ready until the ride shows up! </p>
<p>I don’t think many of us get upset if we’re meeting a friend at a store or a place where the “waiting person” can be window-shopping or whatever while waiting 5-10 minutes. With the convenience of cell phones the friend can text and announce, “I’m here at the front door” or whatever.</p>
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<p>Yes, a conversation without affixing blame and perhaps to get the other side of the story. The OP said the child is not late to school, so possibly there’s a reason why he’s always 15 minutes late to practice?</p>