I don’t think I’d be offended if my kid’s step grandmother chose her biological granddaughters graduation over a step granddaughter, the biological granddaughter would probably crushed to be second best over a step granddaughter. My FIL recently passed and we are all very involved with H’s stepmom (he’s been driving all over going to ask, her credit union, signing her assisted living contract (and making a very large payment until the finances get sorted out) sleeping over tonight because the movers are coming tomorrow and she’s probably going to be upset), but her biological children have the final says.
I think that’s a great way to explain the relationship.
I also think you have been a fantastic step daughter in law and your husband has been a fantastic step son.
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My MIL came to our DDs college graduation…3000 miles from home. We did all the lodging reservations, but one of my sisters in law dealt with my mil and her needs. As the parent of the graduate, we were not going to miss a minute if the graduation. So SIL was in charge. SIL also arranged for MIL to get there a week early to deal with jet lag, and the like. And she also made sure MIL was in our rented van the morning of the graduation…on time.
Funny, our nephew graduated the same day…on the opposite coast. So my FIL went to that graduation.
I’d think about all the unticketed activities and the enthusiasm for them. Dinner at a local restaurant, possibly with families of your kid’s friends? Reception at her department?
Someone might be happy to miss the boring ceremony so long as they’re included in the more meaningful festivities.
I would give everyone a heads up on the current ticket restrictions while you find out if more are available. You may have volunteer non-attenders.
You may also want to find out if your kid has a friend who is unlikely to use all their tickets and would like to join in part of your family celebration (beyond the ceremony. ) I have often been in a smaller group at these events, and being able to ally with a bigger group has made it feel more festive. You’re not simply asking for tickets, you’re sharing the whole experience.
I dreaded telling my mother it was just going to be too physically difficult for her to attend S23 high school graduation (in another state, staying at VRBO, long walk with lots of steps once on campus) but I suspect she might have been relieved in the end. She raves to this day about how she felt she was sitting in the front row and was able to see everything from the comfort of her couch through the miracle of live streaming.
Also, most colleges have a university graduation with limited tickets and than smaller college/department graduations with no tickets needed. Perhaps they go to the smaller graduation rather than the larger one.
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I’d also check with the graduate and see what else is planned that day. They are so excited and riding high and want to bop here and there and see friends, say good bye to professors, maybe even have to pack their place. Maybe get a sense for how your daughter sees the day going - and summit she has any specific immediately before or after things she or she wants you also to attend .
Check into the school details. Sometimes there are smaller/easier “department” ceremonies at a different time - I’ve heard they can be more enjoyable than the full all-seniors saga. Perhaps that could be a way to spread out the opportunities.
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For sure these can be more engaging. Some graduations start out great, but drag on and on and on and are like watching paint dry.
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No one has mentioned the potential for lousy weather. The day our son graduated from undergrad, it was pouring rain and chilly. The school was handing out rain ponchos to everyone…because there were shuttle buses to wait for etc. Departmental things were all over town.
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My west coast in-laws (fil and second wife) did an east coast graduation trip for three of their grandkids, including my oldest. The day of his graduation the weather was awful and it was a longish walk. After talking to some officers, middle son ran ahead and secured two seats in the auditorium so the grands could watch the video of the graduation. They were transported via golf cart the school had available for disabled or elderly attendees. The rest of us were freezing cold and huddled under umbrellas.
Age is not the limiting factor, mobility and stamina definitely should be considered.
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For guests who have mobility and stamina issues, the university may have special seating (with special tickets). All four of my D19’s grandparents were able to attend her graduation because she applied for disability tickets for two of them. She still received the rest of her regular tickets. Also, her ceremony was at night, so it wasn’t hot, thank goodness.
Best wishes, @DeeCee36 ! I think you’re very smart to start planning now, and to have special family time scheduled with your D20, separate from graduation. It is not easy to make the logistics work with all the extra issues that older people can have! For us, it was worth it, because they really wanted to be there. It is a special memory that we could give them.
S2’s graduation was in Boston and it was 92 degrees (in May). Boxed lunches after the ceremony, no place to sit except on the grass. There was one small tent for folks with mobility/stamina issues. Not nearly enough space for all who could have used that accommodation. Departmental graduations followed the boxed lunches. Those were indoors. I found the day pretty brutal.
H went out for S1’s graduation, which took place while I was in a rehab hospital after my cardiac arrest. No livestreaming then, but he did take lots of pictures. S2 stayed home as the Responsible Person in case I wasn’t able to advocate for myself.
Our extended families don’t travel for these kinds of events, so we would have had tickets to give away!
I would warn both sets of parents that tickets are limited. Don’t over promise. But I would leave frail parents at home regardless of the situation. Make sure it’s live streamed and they have it all set up prior and can function with it. We made my mother walk up 3 flights of stairs to watch my daughter graduate her tiny performance art high school. She is out of town and couldn’t come to any of her performances so this is like a senior day and they went through things they were in and special songs etc. Really impressive. My older mother at the time made it up (no elevator building) started to watch and more or less fell asleep due to being tired and I had to get her back down with assistance.
Sometimes we do things because we think we know what’s best for others. This example was we just wanted my mother to be part of something she accomplished. Even though she was there “live” she really couldn’t enjoy the event.
When both my kids graduated during the pandemic they were both live streamed. My mother fully enjoyed it in a different state. But let’s face it. Sitting live or in TV is very underwhelming waiting for hundreds of kids to be called up. Sometimes I think we do things to please ourselves since we want others to be part of said event /our kids lives. Totally get it. But if the parents are frail you also won’t enjoy it and potentially miss your own kids graduation due to what has been said above especially bathroom lines etc.
I would leave whomever at home and after the event if your picking up the others for dinner etc and just do that.
There is always a chance to get the video online and have the kids sit with the other set of parents so they can see if together but. We actually did this and sorts edited it. No one wants to sit for a long time to wait for your kids to walk down. We kinda fast forwarded it. My mother did enjoy seeing the professors /teachers /principal /department heads speeches. She kept saying things like "what an impressive school you went to " Then fast forward to a few kids walking down in front of your kids and the ending speech and be done.
Older people don’t have the attention span also. It can be more stressful for them that they are letting you know.
Also @blossom lol 65???
… (I am 62) but your points are well taken.
My son’s graduation was also in Boston in May. It was in the low 50’s and rained all day long.
DDs graduation was where the temps seldom reach 90…but they did the day of graduation which was outdoors on a soccer field with NO shelter.
D20’s will be in Boston…where we can expect anything from snow, sleet, rain or a heat wave on the day of. 
The venue is indoors, thankfully.
So back to germ-spreading… the couple we were supposed to go out to dinner with now have to go to his (her husband’s) daughter’s mom’s birthday dinner (ie ex wife of now grown daughter). So even though we will hopefully be sprung from covid jail, we are back to the drawing board with our calendars.
Oh, please! I’m 66 and usually get in the neighborhood of 10,000 hilly steps per day. And take five 60-minute yoga classes and a Zumba class each week. And often hop on my indoor bike for an hour in the evenings while watching Netflix. I tent-camp and hike in the mountains, Now, as for the bathroom… That’s another matter, but I can get
myself there, thank you very much. I’m more fit now than when I was busy with sedentary work twenty-five years ago. My D (not grand-D) will graduate next year and nobody will have to escort ol’ “Mama Garden” anywhere. (Sorry, OP if this isn’t pertinent to your situation, I couldn’t resist speaking. My genuine sympathies to anyone with various physical/mental conditions but not everybody is impaired at any given age.)
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What? I had one graduate when I was 65! No way I was missing that just because I’m slower than the 40/50 year olds!
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I was 73 when I attended my D22’s high school graduation. Although I’m slower and ache more as the years progress, I fully expect to be able to attend her college graduation without assistance.
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I feel your pain, OP.
Ds’s college graduation was definitely made less fun for me because the in-laws wanted to attend. My mil was fine, but fil was a challenge for many reasons. Not the least of which being he was just a complainer in general. We wound up renting a golf cart - it was the only way we could make it from the large university-wide commencement to the diploma ceremony across campus afterwards. We also wound up paying for their hotel room because he booked a cheap place on the other side of town from where we had told him we had booked. We were responsible for driving them everywhere and would have had to have driven PAST campus to go and get them. He was mad they didn’t arrive in time for the PBK ceremony that was two nights before commencement. Guess what? He was the one who chose and booked his (cheap) flights. The ribs at one restaurant weren’t as good as the ribs in Memphis. The bread pudding at another not as good what he had had in New Orleans. Bear in mind, we are paying for all of it. Just on and on. I was concerned he would fall. He was using a cane but was embarrassed by this fact and hid it in all the photos.
It really made the entire experience much less enjoyable for us as parents. But, he died very unexpectedly only two months later. For ds’s sake, I am glad we did all of it. It meant a lot to him that his only grandparents (my parents were killed before dh and I married) were able to attend.
Ds will be graduating with an MBA in four months from the same institution. I cannot tell you how relieved I am that mil has chosen not to attend.
I wish you all the best as you figure out what is best for your family. I can only hope that I will be able to recognize my limitations as I age.