Stuck in awful marriage

Parent Cafe
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<p>*The idea of a type of rape was brought up because seems the h is irked wife left the marital bed and still wanted to have sex while the op didn’t. *</p>

<p>As I said in my earlier post, I was afraid to use the word “rape” because I didn’t want to insult or upset anyone. If I did, I apologize. That wasn’t my intent at all. Rape is a very serious matter…and the word shouldn’t be thrown around loosely.</p>

<p>My thinking that certain domestic situations could be a kind of rape if the wife has just been abused (in any fashion), there’s been no apology or anything, yet the H demands/expects sex and the wife ONLY agrees because she FEARS that saying “no” will bring on more abuse - verbal, emotional, physical, whatever. I think that “giving in” to sex out of fear of being hurt is a kind of rape because full consent has not been given. Am I wrong to think that way? </p>

<p>That was just my gut feel after wondering why a guy who has just abused his wife expects sex when there’s been no reconciliation. It just didn’t make sense to me. If I just berated my H in some ugly fashion, I shouldn’t be scratching my head wondering why he doesn’t now want to take me to dinner. lol I know…you can’t make sense out of nonsense.</p>

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<p>musicprnt, I have been recognizing the extent to which patterns from my childhood are being repeated in my marriage, and it is frightening, because I consciously chose someone who did not have the issue (alcoholism) that dominated my family of origin, and eerie, because some almost incidental things are being repeated and for the life of me I can’t see how this came to be. Maybe I should look into Hendrix?</p>

<p>Of course, I need therapy, but what I have gotten from this thread is support, clarity, and a wide range of experience and opinions that are not available from a single therapist. I see therapy and “folk wisdom” - CC - as being complementary.</p>

<p>Knowing the right decision is not easy when there are children involved. On this thread, there have been disparate views on whether it is better for children to remain in an intact, troubled home or undergo a divorce. It is also hard for most of us to even consider leaving a marriage when we took vows “for better, for worse.” </p>

<p>I am so grateful to everyone who posted, and I am gaining a great deal from this thread as I read and re-read the posts (and the PMs I’ve received). Even when the advice did not suit me, I recognize the good will and support behind the effort to post. I am grateful to everyone. Except the poster who, after chastising me and others who are in bad marriages for staying, chose to smugly mention that she was happy to go snuggle with her husband.</p>

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<p>I agree, mom2collegekids, there are all kinds of coercion. And you made it very clear that you did not mean to offend anyone who has experienced the more brutal form of rape.</p>

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<p>That’s what so scary sometimes. You can consciously choose someone who seems so different and yet ends up being so similar. My father was a highly functioning alcoholic and I picked someone who rarely drinks. And still, he has a lot of the ‘distancing’ characteristics of my father. A lot of times it’s just different sides to the same coin. We tend to feel most comfortable with people who feel familiar to us and what feels familiar to us is how we were raised. My therapist says if you feel a high degree of attraction to someone you might want to run in the opposite direction (or at least proceed with extreme caution) because usually you are attracted to some unresolved issue from your childhood. That’s part of the reason subsequent marriages are often just as rocky as the first - you think you are getting someone different but underneath it all you are just getting more of the same in a slightly different package.</p>

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<p>Sadmomof3, I have nothing new to add, but I’ve been out of touch for a few days and want to say that I’ve been thinking of you. Have you found a therapist yet?</p>

<p>Interesting how your situation has connected with a lot of us.</p>

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Actually, a truly good therapist helps you to figure it out for yourself. They don’t “give advice”.</p>

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<p>I have not found a therapist yet, but I do have a lead from someone on this thread. I also have one friend (real life) who I will ask for recommendations. She has been having her own problems and I have not wanted to bother her with this right now. It will probably be after the holidays before I manage to find a therapist and start. </p>

<p>I do feel that I am making some progress in the meantime, reading the Patricia Evans book and using other resources suggested by people here. I’m also actively observing and analyzing the situation here. I would not have been able to do this before this thread.</p>

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Where did you get that idea?</p>

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<p>I personally have gotten a lot out of this thread and I thank the OP for starting it.</p>

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<p>I hesitate to share this, for fear of being misunderstood again, but it is timely. This was released by the CDC today </p>

<p><a href=“http://www.npr.org/2011/12/14/143735043/cdc-survey-finds-1-in-4-women-attacked-by-partner?ft=1&f=[/url]”>http://www.npr.org/2011/12/14/143735043/cdc-survey-finds-1-in-4-women-attacked-by-partner?ft=1&f=&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>[CDC</a> Features - New Data on Domestic and Sexual Violence](<a href=“http://www.cdc.gov/Features/NISVS/]CDC”>http://www.cdc.gov/Features/NISVS/) </p>

<p><a href=“http://news.yahoo.com/sexual-violence-affects-one-five-us-women-study-225032473.html[/url]”>http://news.yahoo.com/sexual-violence-affects-one-five-us-women-study-225032473.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>I have a friend who is going through the beginning phase of divorcing her husband. He wasn’t mean, more cold, more distant, less there. Her kids are in college now, but after years of working on the marriage, she is just done. </p>

<p>Another lady spent three years to plan the divorce as it it were. Divorce is not the end of the world. For better or worse doesn’t mean a person needs to say with someone who treats you badly.</p>

<p>I have friends who are happily married for years, some who have gone through counseling, and saved their marriages,etc. </p>

<p>I am one who doesn’t feel staying with someone who treats you so poorly, is worth it. Marriage is about love at it’s core. If the love is gone, and cruellness has taken it’s place, why live in misery?</p>

<p>With children involved, one can tolerate a lot , but meantime, one needs to project oneself and plan for the future. </p>

<p>In this situation, one child is already distancing herself from the family while the other seems to be the one that gets all the love. What does that say about the family dynamic? I am not suggesting anything untoward, but perhaps not the healthiest emotional balance in the home.</p>

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<p>op, I don’t recall if anyone has mentioned yet, but your kids might need some counseling as well, particularly the older one.</p>

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<p>This thread has helped me a lot too. Or given a voice to feelings I’ve had but were too painful to express. The “stuck” feeling in the title of this thread is the worst – whether it’s being stuck in a bad relationship, stuck at a college you realized you don’t like, stuck in a dead-end career – it’s the “no way out” feeling that drains the joy and energy out of every day. </p>

<p>Here in this thread I believe OP (and some of us posters) have given (and received) options, ideas, coping techniques, and support, which is the best of the CC experience and one I have found repeatedly on this site. People can’t understand why I still log on (my next kid to apply is in 10th grade). There’s nothing like it – intelligent caring people who have either gone through what you’re going through or know someone who has.</p>

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<p>I agree. However, I ran across an fascinating article recently that talked about how people use to see marriage a lot differently.</p>

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<p>And then in the 1970s it all changed:</p>

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<p>The article is extremely interesting. Talks about the effect of divorce on children, the socio-economic status of those would are more likely to either divorce or stay together, how happy or unhappy people are likely to be after a divorce (depends on how initiates it), etc. It was published by the someone who works for the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia , so there is a slight slant to it but overall I felt it was good article. </p>

<p>[The</a> Evolution of Divorce > Publications > National Affairs](<a href=“http://www.nationalaffairs.com/publications/detail/the-evolution-of-divorce]The”>The Evolution of Divorce | National Affairs)</p>

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<p>Looks like an excellent article, MomLive - I look forward to reading it when I get bored at work later. :smiley: I do think we 21st century Americans ask an awful lot from our marriages. The expectation that we’ll find them rewarding in every aspect for many decades - that’s a high bar. </p>

<p>Not at all implying that the OP’s expectations are unrealistic, of course. She has every right to want and expect a marriage in which the partners are still partners and show mutual respect and consideration. Her husband’s behavior is far outside what I’d consider normal - for some reason, him crashing around to disrupt her sleep really disturbs me, and I find myself thinking about that especially, as well as his preferential treatment of one child. I’m glad the thread is still going and that she’s finding it helpful.</p>

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<p>Yea, had an interesting discussion at a friend’s D’s wedding. I said to the dad of the bride, “Isn’t it nice that your D is marrying her best friend?” The dad was taken aback & said, “What? Who would ever do that?” I was surprised, as that is the relationship I have with my husband but I guess it never occurred to that dad that his D might have that relationship with her new husband (though I could be wrong). I guess we’re all different. Seems convenient to me to marry your best friend if everything aligns well. :)</p>

<p>Hope that those in difficult relationships are able to figure out how to make them work better or move on to a better place. I’m also concerned when a partner appears to deliberately be doing something that bothers the other partner, like crashing around when one is trying to sleep, as OP indicated her spouse is doing.</p>

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<p>Haven’t read the article, but unless it talks about the larger societal issues like property ownership, work, getting loans, divorce rules, education opportunities, birth control, sexual orientation, etc. Then it should. Those and many more are issues that framed marriages and why people got married, stayed married, and not that it was somehow a better way of being married.</p>

<p>In the past, marriage was often the only way a young woman could leave home. If they got pregnant, they marked someone they might not have otherwise, the options in the world were much less for women then they thankfully they are now. The fact that women can go into a marriage with higher expectations for a healthy fullfilling relationship in my mind is a good thing. How many women in the 50s were in unhappy marriages but stated because the options were so limited? It wasn’t all lovey covey back then, there was lots of cheating, lots of gay men who married unhappily denying who they were, and so forth.</p>

<p>This idea of a well maintained home,which reeks of sexism, is actually kind of funny. Sounds like the husband of the op. </p>

<p>For centuries women married for a variety of reasons, and many were because at then time it was all that was available. Now, we have options, aren’t shunned in society for being divorced.</p>

<p>Why not try for a marriage beyond duty, sacrifice, obligation? I am not saying that marriages aren’t work, they for sure are, and anyone thinking of leaving a marriagea knows how hard that can be as well.</p>

<p>But to me, staying with someone who is cruel goes beyond the till death mantra.</p>

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<p>Say your daughter came home with a bf like the ops husband. Would you suggest she stick it out? If she said, mom we are gonna get maried, would you be thrilled? </p>

<p>How bad does a marriage have to get before people should get out? How much mistreatment does a person have to put up with in the name of lkeeping a family together? Where is that line in the sand? Does he have to hit?</p>

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<p>Say your daughter came home with a bf like the ops husband. Would you suggest she stick it out?</p>

<p>Gosh scary. And what a mine field of what to say and not to say. Wouldn’t want to say the wrong thing and push her closer to him. Yikes! (Guess it’s not cool to then chain her to the house. :confused: )</p>

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In this particular case, the OP has made clear that if she leaves, she will have to move several hundred miles away WITHOUT HER KIDS. Therefore, she has decided to get her finances and professional situation in order before she ends the marriage. Which makes sense. Responsible parents don’t abandon their children to abusive parents.</p>