<p>The OP has gotten a lot of thoughtful, practical suggestions. My thought was, take the kids, go on vacation and don’t come back.</p>
<p>“Then, the minute the younger one leaves for college, the OP can pack her bags and leave. Assuming she has a plan for college payment for the kids, she won’t have much to fear from her husband. Custody issues will be moot, and she can live independently, albeit with a reduced income. I wouldn’t underestimate the havoc a nasty divorce could cause while the kids are still home.”</p>
<p>Just wanted to respond to skyhook’s comment because this is important. I’ve heard the other side. An adolescent whose family at home fractures the minute he/she goes away to college is actually equally devastated, is facing the pressure of starting college work and making new friends, and has no support structure yet to help process what’s happened. That child is thus put in an extremely vulnerable situation.</p>
<p>There is literature about adult children of divorce that shows it is no easier for them and may be harder. It is only easier for the adult who doesn’t have to face her child daily and deal with the fallout directly - but it’s not easier or better for the child.</p>
<p>Dealing with my kids’ emotional upheaval and stress over the loss of their father in their day to day lives in the year after our marital split has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done but we are coming out the other side. I am glad I didn’t wait although I thought of trying to wait many times. And actually I did wait - for over 15 years.</p>
<p>■■■■■ thread is ■■■■■</p>
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THe minor children absolutely, positively, emphatically have to stand another six-ish years of this. The father can’t be eliminated, particularly absent physical abuse. There is also another side here. His. His health problems could make him appear sympathetic with the right lawyer.</p>
<p>If it were me, the entire decision would be based upon what is best for my kids. Yes, I am a martyr and am proud of it. I would give my life up for my kids, including enduring day-to-day personal misery for 6 or more years if it meant my kids had the best possible shot at a happy, healthy life.</p>
<p>*I suggest the OP stay in the marriage until the younger child graduates high school. During this period, do two things. One is to **make quiet financial plans for the kids’ college, and the OP’s future life as a single woman. **The other is to get counseling for herself and learn how to better deflect her husband’s hurtful comments and actions.</p>
<p>Then, the minute the younger one leaves for college, the OP can pack her bags and leave. Assuming she has a plan for college payment for the kids, she won’t have much to fear from her husband. Custody issues will be moot, and **she can live independently, albeit with a reduced income. **I wouldn’t underestimate the havoc a nasty divorce could cause while the kids are still home. *</p>
<p>This sounds pretty good. At that point, she can move wherever she wants - best for her job. If she can just keep the “target child” away from the dad as much as possible. Maybe get THAT child into counseling as well, while still a minor - because once that child is 18, the parent can’t insist on counseling. </p>
<p>Since the younger child is treated well by the dad, then maybe the mom can figure out ways that she “has” to be elsewhere a lot when he’s home. Work can often be an excuse to be “elsewhere”. </p>
<p>In the meantime, get finances and younger child’s college funds/plans in place. Otherwise, the H may threaten not to pay for younger child as a way to keep you there. If younger child has the means to get great merit scholarships, you might consider those as it would limit the need to rely on the H for much for college. </p>
<p>Then, once the younger child leaves for college, she’ll have all her ducks in a row and leave as well. </p>
<p>Since he earns twice as much as she does, she probably could still get some “spousal support” for a couple of years (depending on state) to help her while she gets her new job in her new location settled. </p>
<p>As for alcohol dependency…I wonder if there is any of this going on. The wife may not know. Seriously. There are people who quietly drink without the spouse really knowing the frequency or the amount. The bottles are hidden and disposed of without the other spouse knowing. Some drinkers don’t show visual signs of intoxication…like walking funny or slurring words. Some just get more quiet or more loud/touchy. </p>
<p>People who have “pain issues” or depression issues often turn to alcohol to anesthetize themselves…self-medicate. </p>
<p>Does he get more angry at night? If so, that may be a red flag that he’s drinking and becoming an “angry drunk”.</p>
<p>I remember my sister telling me that these types will often say that they want YOU to leave or that they want to divorce YOU, but when YOU say that YOU want to leave, they freak out and don’t want you to leave. I guess when they’re yelling and saying that you’re horrible and that they need to divorce YOU, that’s just for show. They don’t really mean it. They’d be terrified if you left. </p>
<p>I’m still curious as to why his first marriage ended. I imagine that first wife has a similar story to tell. These types repeat the same behaviors over and over.</p>
<p>mom2 - if you’re married to an alcoholic, you know it, trust me. </p>
<p>Also if the woman leaves the minute the teen goes to college, do you think there is a chance the teen will feel responsible? (The answer is yes.) I posted a page or so ago on the reasons this is a poor idea, but this thread is rapidly getting out of hand. </p>
<p>Bay: I learned that my kids were pretty angry about my martyr status, unknown to me as I was polishing my halo. At least as angry as they were about the split. </p>
<p>OP: I’m checking out of the thread but please feel free to pm me if you want to talk.</p>
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The reasons this would have been a poor idea for you.</p>
<p>Which may or may not exist for the OP. The distance thing for the OP is a significant issue that seems to be ignored by some posters. It won’t be ignored by a judge.</p>
<p>^ The reasons it is often a poor idea for children. And please allow the OP to obtain her own legal advice that will be relevant to her specific situation.</p>
<p>Perhaps it is you who is not considering the actual situation for the OP, you seem to be projecting a bit too much. Pretending that one of the biggest factors that she provided doesn’t exist isn’t particularly helpful.</p>
<p>Many cities have womens buildings with inexpensive legal programs…worth looking ringer some advice.</p>
<p>I suggested that it was a positive factor that the OP’s husband was reportedly not physically abusing her or the children.</p>
<p>…That struck another poster as me downplaying the seriousness of emotional abuse.</p>
<p>I suggested that the OP stick it out until the youngest kid left for college.</p>
<p>…That prompted several to remind us that divorce is very difficult for college-age kids.</p>
<p>I just want to say that in no way am I diminishing the agony of emotional abuse. I’m simply saying it would be worse if physical abuse was added to the mix. </p>
<p>Regarding the second point, divorce is hard on everyone at every age. My parents divorced, and I had my worst moments about it during college, so I know it is true. However, the OP deserves to have her own life at some point, and I say getting the kids safely to adulthood is enough sacrifice. Should she wait until they are 30, 50, forever?</p>
<p>Divorce is emotionally difficult for kids in college. But it is a fact that physical custody is not an issue for college kids. Avoiding a custody battle, and the likely need for a child to spend substantial time alone with an abusive parent, is a real advantage to leaving later rather than sooner. That’s the only reason that waiting was suggested upthread.</p>
<p>I have no advice for the OP except to remember that in an in-flight emergency, parents should put their own oxygen masks on first, THEN help their children. If you can’t function, then you can do nothing for anyone else. So whatever course of action you decide is best for your kids, take care of yourself so that you have the strength to actually get it done.</p>
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<p>I’m not sure what you mean by this. Are you saying that your children would have preferred that you had acted like you were miserable while you were in the marriage?</p>
<p>No one can predict how children will look back upon their family life experience, so I don’t think it is productive to use anecdotes to solve OP’s problem. For every child who expresses anger that her mother didn’t leave sooner, there is another child who is equally angry that her mom left at all. Not to mention that there are children who did not even know their parents were unhappy until, to the child’s shock and dismay, the marriage ended.</p>
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<p>True, which is why, in my opinion, no one here should be telling the OP to stay or to go. None of us have the necessary information about the OP’s situation, the emotional health and feelings of the children about their family life, possible reactions to a divorce vs. outcome of remaining intact in the face of daily misery, etc. Even though the OP has asked for thoughts and suggestions, I don’t believe anyone on a message board is qualified to give that kind of advice, yet it abounds here.</p>
<p>The most any of us can really know is that this is a family in pain, and the OP needs guidance, most likely from a counselor or similar professional, to help her evaluate the pros and cons of any number of actions. It might not be a bad idea to include the kids in counseling to get their pulse and gauge their possible reactions to either remaining intact or splitting the family.</p>
<p>The fact of the matter is that there are situations which really do require a divorce as the lesser of two evils, and there are other times where it is in the best interest of all parties to stay together, either temporarily or permanently. But none of us knows which answer best suits the OP, regardless of our own past experiences or philosophies of marriage and divorce.</p>
<p>The OP needs professional help, and from her posts, it seems she is very open to seeking this out. She certainly has my support, sympathy, and wishes that she is able to figure out what will be the best course of action for both her and her family.</p>
<p>OP:</p>
<p>You have gotten a lot of responses - you obviously struck a chord in many of us who have been, or know people in, similar situations.</p>
<p>We can’t know the real details of your situation; but I think most of us can agree that you need to seek out emotional and informational support and information</p>
<ul>
<li>1) through counseling for yourself and maybe your kids - maybe thru contacting initially some of the hotlines mentioned above; </li>
</ul>
<p>2) concrete info from an experienced divorce /custody expert about the specifics of your situation/state, laws, etc</p>
<p>then you will be armed with both support and knowledge. I have confidence that with this you will figure out the best way forward. You have taken the first step by posting on this forum.</p>
<p>Best to you, and keep us posted. Even though we are an anonymous forum, the people here care.</p>
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<p>It’s legal to do exactly that in Texas. If there is no court order, either parent is free to take the children out of state to live. Once there is a court order, it must be followed.</p>
<p>What a chord this has struck in many folks. Seeing such a number of emotional abuse stories is sad. There is a great deal of pain out there. </p>
<p>OP, glad you have learned so much. The books on abuse are enlightening, if you’ve been thinking it was just your situation all along. It is a syndrome, and your situation as relates to the syndrome needs to be understood. I too used to think it was just me.</p>
<p>Class of 2015, loved your post #83 above. Similar attitudes got me through the day back when, and still do. </p>
<p>Regarding divorce/no divorce. Are your kids free to bring friends home, be messy, make noise, live a normal adolescence? Divorce made that possible for my kids, as their dad was so tense about friends coming over and possible loss of order, that they could not have a normal childhood around him. I’m glad they had and have that freedom.</p>
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<p>I would not underestimate the havoc being the “targeted” child can cause for that child.</p>
<p>Nor would I underestimate the damage done to children and their ability to have happy, healthy lives and marriages when they are subjected to such dysfunction for their entire childhoods. </p>
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<p>Same here. Which is why I would leave.</p>
<p>I was never a martyr because I wanted more for my children than to be martyrs themselves. I worked in domestic violence intervention, it’s not just physical wounds that can scar for life.</p>
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<p>Where is this literature? I’ve studied divorce in several different disciplines and never heard of this. </p>
<p>On a personal note, my parents separated when I was at home and again when I was an adult. Obviously, it was far easier on me as an adult because I had my own home to serve as a safe haven, my own circle of support and I was not subjected to the day to day chaos of the situation. </p>
<p>And how far do you carry this idea? Should a woman or man never leave a bad relationship once they have children? That’s flatly absurd.</p>