<p>Thank you all, again, for your posts. Every one of them is helpful. My level of anxiety about the effects of all this on the kids is rising. </p>
<p>There have been questions about DH’s first marriage. It was a very short relationship that did produce one child. It ended decades ago, and no one who knows both parties can imagine how they ever got together. They are completely incompatible. The child was living with DH when we met and always lived with us after we were married, except for some vacations with the ex-wife, who lived very far away. I have a good relationship with the ex-wife. We were in touch regularly when the child was a minor. She and DH hated each other, but she was good to me. She once sent me a mother’s day card, and she used to tell me the good things that the child said about me. To her great credit, she always encouraged the child to have a close relationship with me, and was never less than positive about me.</p>
<p>I have come a long way since yesterday, thanks to all of you. I have a plan and I am ready to implement it as quickly as I can. Therapy/book/hotline to learn about my situation and find ways to shield myself from the corrosive effects of constant criticism and negativity, which I did not realize was abusive until I learned it here; a consultation with an attorney, to clarify my legal situation; figure out how the kids are feeling about our family; document DH’s schedule and treatment of me and the kids; start taking some practical steps suggested in a PM. </p>
<p>Because my kids are teenagers, running with them to another state is not a possibility, even if it were legally advisable. My lack of job security is also a factor. </p>
<p>Thinking over this long marriage, I can see that I made a bad choice because I married before I’d dealt with the effects of having grown up with alcoholic parents. (I am not an alcoholic or a drug user, and neither is DH. Both of us drink only the occasional glass of wine or beer, and even that is less frequent as we get older.) Fairly early in my marriage, I went to Al-Anon for a year and did some therapy. This helped me tremendously, but I had already made a choice I would not have made had I been healthier psychologically. Although I considered leaving my husband at a number of points, and even was on the brink of leaving a couple of times, I never did it. For one thing, there was a child involved from the start. Although this was not my biological child, I don’t view this child any differently than the ones that came out of my body.<br>
For many years, there were good parts of the marriage and bad parts. Everyday life was pretty good. It was only when major decisions had to be made that it was clear that things had to always go DH’s way, my feelings never counted. A couple of times I got my way by almost leaving. Somehow DH could sense that I was ready to go, and he would turn on the charm and treat me very well, and I would win that one. Things became really awful as he got older and, especially, as he became more and more affected by his health condition. (And things got worse after I stopped “marital relations” months and months ago, and then moved into the guest room.) It took me a long time to be able to feel justified leaving a man who is suffering. I now realize that I can’t help him because he won’t let me, and he treats me so badly that I feel no obligation to him. </p>
<p>I’m hoping to be able to make a decision in the next few months about whether to stay until the younger child is ready for college or leave earlier. A lot depends on whether I’m able to change the atmosphere in the home by changing my behavior, and standing up to him. We’ll see. </p>
<p>There are some great suggestions here about how to respond to his ridiculous criticisms. I’m wondering if anyone has any suggestions for dealing with his latest behavior. He is a fanatic about neatness and order. I’ve asked him many times not to touch my stuff, but he still goes into my things and re-arranges them. He will take a stack of papers from my desk – things that I am currently dealing with – and put everything away in different places, or put them in files. I have no idea where to find things and it drives me crazy. He always wants to get rid of things and sometimes throws away things that are important to me. I rented a storage unit over a year ago, and I keep things safe there. I keep papers I am using in bins in my car. He even went into my drawers and rearranged my clothes. He started putting something I kept on the kitchen counter (something that was functional as well as decorative) into a cupboard every day, so that the counter was completely empty. I was irritated because in the cupboard this thing was in the way of items I need to access frequently. I took it back out a few times, but stopped because it seemed so childish. A few days ago, he suddenly decided that the cutting boards should be kept in a different place. I went to get one one day and they were all gone, I had to look around until I found them jammed into a place without enough room for them. The other day, he took my hanging clothes out of the closet we share and put them in a storage closet. The kitchen rearranging drives me crazy. I am the only one who cooks, and I do a lot of it. Often I am in a hurry, and I am used to grabbing things from the place that they belong. My kitchen is quite well-organized to work for me. He is now making arbitrary changes, just as a power/control thing, I guess. Any suggestions? I’ve thought of doing similar things to his possessions, but I am afraid that this will just escalate things. I feel invaded when I walk into a room, or open a drawer, and see that he has been into my things.</p>