Stuck in awful marriage

Parent Cafe
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<p>Thank you, musicprnt, for your very thoughtful post and a male perspective. You are absolutely right that I must get help. I’ve already started by posting here, a first step that took me a long time to make. In less than two days I’ve gained a tremendous amount of clarity about my situation and I feel stronger already. I googled “verbal abuse” and “emotional abuse” and found my situation described perfectly. I feel like an idiot for not recognizing this before, but I really had no idea. It is only very recently that the word “abusive” even came to mind in relation to my husband. </p>

<p>Thanks, sopranomom. You are absolutely right that my husband’s condition could almost certainly have been prevented by exercise and other good health habits. In terms of my daughter, she does not have much of a relationship with her father, she is much closer to me. In fact, she once told her biological mother (the ex-wife, who repeated it to me) that her life would have been awful if I had not come along. She has no illusions that her father is anything other than a workaholic who puts his family last, but she has no idea that he has become abusive. There is a danger that she might try to talk to him, and he would be livid if he know I told her. So better to follow my inclination and keep this from her.</p>

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<p>OP, we went through a period of about 6 months after deciding to get a divorce before ex-H moved out of the house. It WAS a very dangerous time (he did have weapons in the house). I had to call the cops once – they didn’t take him in, but they scared him pretty good. They told him if they got another call, they would take him in. It was better after that. But I never went anywhere (even in the bathroom to shower) without my cell phone for the last several months, just in case I needed to call for help and was trapped somewhere in the house.</p>

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<p>mom2college, It has been about 17 years since she’s lived with us. Things were very different then. DH was a workaholic but he was not overtly abusive, he was not angry, and he was healthy. He was controlling, but it was not something she would have noticed. </p>

<p>As for DH’s behavior when my (step)daughter visits, I probably have not mentioned yet that he goes into a different mode when we have company. It’s a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde act. He becomes very happy and outgoing, almost ebullient. He still interrupts me, ignores me, and makes some belittling comments, but it is nothing like the way he is when it’s only us.</p>

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<p>Oh, intparent, what a long time to live in fear! I’m so glad that period is past, and you came out of it well.</p>

<p>When we have company, DH is so much more pleasant that I’ve thought of trying to have people much more, except that he is more awful than usual before they come, because he is extra hyper about the house, and he is awful after they leave. I often can’t face the pre-company frenzy so I avoid having people here.</p>

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<p>Speaking of googling, erase your search history always.</p>

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I’m going to SWAG here and suggest that maybe this particular aspect isn’t about you. Your H is obviously not in a good position. You are sleeping in another room, and he has health issues which are a constant plague. Probably other issues as well. I also have health problems, so in this regard I can empathize with him. (And the fact that you blame him for the health problems is certainly alienating.) He may feel like there is little or no control over anything in his life. It can be overwhelming. </p>

<p>Some days I feel like if I just get something, anything in control, however small that it is a tiny positive in my day. If I’m having a particularly bad day, even cleaning out a drawer or deleting old emails can be a tiny victory. So maybe he keeps trying and trying to get some sense of control over SOMETHING by rearranging things. Not much you can do about that, probably, although if there were some little project you could drop subtle hints about without adding to his sense of being overwhelmed, you might put that energy to use.</p>

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<p><a href=“And%20the%20fact%20that%20you%20blame%20him%20for%20the%20health%20problems%20is%20certainly%20alienating.”>quote</a>

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She’s not blaming him for the health problems–she’s blaming him for refusing to do anything to help his health problems. There’s a big difference.

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<p>This is not some poor guy who feels his life is out of control. This is a control freak who is getting a bit psycho.</p>

<p>Sadmom, you need to have copies of all important papers and financial information–birth certificates, tax returns, bank and investment statements, etc. Know where all of the money is. It would also help to have a checking account and credit card in your name alone, and put aside some money from each of your paychecks. You don’t want him to look in the family checkbook and see that you’ve paid a lawyer!</p>

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<p>This story has two sides. Hopefully you will both be able to get counseling.</p>

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That sounds like blaming to me.</p>

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You are speculating as much as I am. You are not in his shoes.</p>

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<p>I asked my therapist this one too. You don’t want to “bash” him (because the kids might defend him out of loyalty) but you can comment and observe. “Gee Dad yells pretty loud sometimes.” Or if they comment to you, validate their observation. And then you can add: “Not everyone yells like that when they’re angry. I bet when you’re a dad, you might yell sometimes, but not all the time.” Or model appropriate behavior by saying “if he was angry, he could have counted to 10 before he started yelling” or whatever ALTERNATIVE BEHAVIOR you want to imprint on your kids. Let them know you see what your H is, and you don’t agree with how he handles things, and there is another way.</p>

<p>My kids (when H would promise to do things with them, then change his mind on a whim and be insensitive to their disappointment) would say “Dad’s such a jerk.” Instead of agreeing, I would say: “I know he promised. I was there – I heard him. You guys had a plan to (go to the city or whatever). I am so sorry he didn’t keep his promise. It’s disappointing when that happens.” So you’re validating their emotions and letting them convey them, but you are NOT making excuses (which I used to do to “keep the peace/be a good wife”) and you’re not piling on the criticism.</p>

<p>It’s a fine line. I think it really helps my kids, because it lets them know YOU know what’s wrong about him, and it’s not this big secret anymore that nobody talks about.</p>

<p>And I second mom2collegekids – do not tell stepD. There is too much of a risk she will make a comment or look at your H a new way with this information and he will guess you might leave him.</p>

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<p>*He even went into my drawers and rearranged my clothes. *</p>

<p>Yes, this is a control freak. Years ago, there was a woman in our “moms group” who told us that her H would go thru her closet every 3 months and throw out clothes that he didn’t want her wearing anymore. We thought it was very odd. He also had a “day by day/hour by hour” schedule of what chores she HAD to do each day. She’d sometimes have to miss a fun activitiy with our group because “the schedule” had her doing X at 10am (or whatever). One day, another mom in our group stopped by her home, she answered the door and had a black eye. Guess who from. I realize that the OP’s H doesnt resort to violence…he just hasn’t crossed that line (yet…and may never). </p>

<p>*This story has two sides. Hopefully you will both be able to get counseling. *</p>

<p>This is a bit insulting. In cases like this, this isn’t a case of “it takes 2 to tango.” These types can argue with themselves, because they will look for things to be upset about. This is a situation where the OP walks on eggshells trying to avoid landmines, and because no one is perfect, he pounces on any little imperfection.</p>

<p>If he has depression, is bi-polar, has anxiety disorder, and/or OCD, then “his side” will not likely be reasonable…“She keeps one thing on the kitchen counter and I can’t tolerate that.”</p>

<p>Yes, he needs counseling…intensive counseling that does a full investigation of his childhood/family history. I suspect he had some “dad issues.” </p>

<p>OP…did you know your H’s parents very well? What were they like? </p>

<p>* It has been about 17 years since she’s lived with us.*</p>

<p>This is interesting. Your oldest bio child is younger than this, so that means that you started having children after your StepD moved out. (Can I ask why that is?) It sounds like you were married for awhile before having kids (I know that “waiting” isn’t unusual, but since there already was a child in the home and your H was older…) Did your H really, really want more kids? Is it possible that he’s annoyed that after raising his first child, then more children were born? Since he’s not a “hands on dad” in the least, having more kids may be part of the reason he lashes out at you.</p>

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<p>I don’t think it is insulting at all. Obviously, OP is being treated awfully by her H, but we don’t know anything about why he does it. I don’t think civilized human beings act this way for no reason at all. It may have nothing to do with OP, it may be the constant pain, it may be a brain chemical imbalance, maybe he is being abused at work, or it could have something to do with her having her own job, moving into another bedroom, or not recognizing his needs (not saying any of those things were unjustified, just saying he may be harboring some really bad feelings over those or other things that OP does not recognize).</p>

<p>If he refuses to get help, he may not change. (Maybe step-D could help in this regard?) But if OP gets some help, she may be able to learn how to cope/understand his behavior better.</p>

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<p>Another thought is H’s age. I think OP said he is significantly older than she is. How old is he?</p>

<p>Some people’s personalities change quite a bit as they get older. My mother became quite mean in her 60s - 70s , and then she became happy and laughing all the time until her death at age 85. My father has become extremely selfish in his old age - altho he was always a bit this way, but now it has become his defining personality trait.</p>

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<p>I think the bottom line is that the OP has made clear that if she leaves she has to move several hundred miles away without the kids. I can’t see any good that would come of that and I would be very surprised if they didn’t feel completely abandoned by mom. I can’t imagine based on the posts here, that Sadmom would actually do that. So she can become empowered by getting therapy, pursuing her own interests, and making employment and financial arrangements.</p>

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<p>I don’t think it is insulting at all. Obviously, OP is being treated awfully by her H, but we don’t know anything about why he does it. I don’t think civilized human beings act this way for no reason at all. It may have nothing to do with OP, it may be the constant pain, it may be a brain chemical imbalance, maybe he is being abused at work, or it could have something to do with her having her own job, moving into another bedroom, or not recognizing his needs (not saying any of those things were unjustified, just saying he may be harboring some really bad feelings over those or other things that OP does not recognize).</p>

<p>Oh, I agree that he has his reasons for behaving the way he does…OCD? Bi-polar? horrible childhood? whatever? And,yes, he needs therapy to help him with his issues.</p>

<p>But when someone is posting that they’re in a terrible situation and someone posts that there’s “two sides,” that is often said to suggest that both contribute to the problem - when in truth - there are people that are so self-centered, so messed-up, and so difficult to live with that they’d be mean/cruel to Mother Teresa. </p>

<p>For instance…When an innocent child is being bullied by a schoolmate, it’s gross when a principal tells the victim’s parent that there’s “two sides,” suggesting that both kids are participating in the problem and both are guilty.</p>

<p>It doesn’t’ sound like the OP’s H is so old that he’s become mean because of age. My dad was difficult when he was in his late 80s, not when he was 65.</p>

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<p>There are a lot of people in this world who are domineering bullies simply because it is an effective tool to get what they want. It works. Most people don’t like conflict and ugly scenes, so they do what the bully wants. It seems too simple, but it is simple. </p>

<p>I prefer to avoid bullies but sometimes you cannot. My solution is to push back. Get angry and don’t put up with it.</p>

<p>The only caveat is to make sure you are not dealing with a person who is going to respond with violence.</p>

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<p>When an innocent child is being bullied by a schoolmate, it’s gross when a principal tells the victim’s parent that there’s “two sides,” suggesting that both kids are participating in the problem and both are guilty.</p>

<p>As a frequent volunteer in my children’s schools, I will say, that I have observed actions by both parties- even when those that often bully are doing their best to ignore their victim, the victim inserts themselves so that they can’t be ignored.
Not saying that the bully is right- but I have seen it, often.</p>

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<p>Bullies have mental/personal issues that must be addressed in order for the bullying to stop. They are not bullies for no reason.</p>

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<p>I have noticed that when people develop heart conditions it can change their personality making them quite a bit more grumpy ( not that I think this is just grumpy)</p>

<p>Pain & depression ( & fear) can also alter a personality- but I am not getting a good sense of how this person has evolved ( or devolved) over time.</p>

<p>I think counseling for the OP is first step & everything will come from that- because even if the H could/would change, you can’t do it for him.
( I would also set up separate bank account and have it done online so you don’t have stuff coming to the house)</p>

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<p>As someone who was in a very similar situation, moved out 4 years ago (even bought my own house), shared custody of our 15 year son and then reconciled with my husband 6 months later, I will say that Musicprnt’s post is excellent and hits most of the key points I would have posted.</p>

<p>Get counseling now. Find someone who is going to help you work on your issues as well as help you make decisions and develop the coping skills you need to either stay in the marriage or go. You didn’t just wander into a bad situation. You and your spouse together allowed the marriage to evolve into what it is today. I’m not saying his behavior is acceptable because it is not but the mere fact that you have allowed it to continue is probably evidence that you also have some issues to work on. I was there, right down to having a husband with a chronic medical condition. It wasn’t until I started working on myself and understanding why I had trouble standing up to him that he started to change his behavior. And once I did stand up to him, he did change his behavior. Sometimes people will push the boundaries because they can. It took me 3 years of weekly counseling to understand my role in this situation. People who grew up in dysfunctional families (and having an alcoholic parent is the epitome of dysfunction) have a hard time confronting others and this often leads them into relationships with other emotionally unhealthy people. </p>

<p>You might also want to sit him down and have a calm, rational talk with him about your feelings. You are serious, you are considering leaving. You might need to have this talk several times. See if he will agree to counseling. My husband to this day says he was blindsided by my leaving. I was so angry at that point I even refused to do martial counseling. My one regret is that I didn’t hammer it into his head that I was serious. I think he would have made some changes before it got to that point.</p>

<p>Don’t talk to your step-daughter. Good, bad or indifference, he is her father and you are going to be putting her in the middle. Classof2015 gave you some good information about how to address this with the children.</p>

<p>Finally, there is nothing wrong with leaving the marriage but understand that divorce and being single brings its own set of problems. I wouldn’t stay in a bad marriage just for the sake of staying but you will be swapping one set of problems for another. Many people are so anxious to leave a bad marriage that they don’t stop to consider what is on the other side. Go to divorcecare dot com to read about the issues divorce people struggle with every day. I’ve seen person after person fall apart after the initial euphoria wears off. I thought I was very mental prepared for it, was in counseling, had no money issues, etc. and was still shocked at how difficult it was to go through a separation. Divorce has a lot of ramifications - financial, socially, it divides a family (no matter how amicable), it can bring major loneliness, etc. It can also be very freeing and an opportunity to create a new life.</p>

<p>And last but not least, people on this thread can argue all they want about who is at fault but it’s a moot point. No one but the two people within a marriage can really understand the dynamics of that particular relationship. To this day, if you ask my husband (who I considered ‘emotionally abusive’) he will tell you that I gave as good as I got. I totally disagree and no one who knows me would ever say that (they would say I am the kindest,most gentle person they ever met :slight_smile: ) but the truth is relationships are very complicated and it’s hard for even great counselors to sort through who, if anyone, is at fault. I dare say it’s impossible to do so based upon a few anonymous posts. </p>

<p>The most important thing is to develop the skills needed to make this type of life-changing decision with a great deal of clarity. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>