Still recovering from the wknd - one dinner with them at their condo, one at a restaurant where he behaves. I can’t say I enjoyed either one, but at their condo is definitely simpler. But now that he is no longer driving, I know they want opportunities to go out. I’m going to kick this can down the road a bit and see if/when they bring it up.
UBER!
Taxi or rideshare services?
A trip overseas to your dream resort after the Holidays??
Pity the poor Uber driver…
Hey, the escape vacation sounds ideal. Maybe next year, tickets to a game.
Ok, after the day I had with him today, Thanksgiving is a hardstop NO!
He had a bad reaction severe rash - called me at 7am to take him to ER - was able to get same day appt at his dermatologist- unexplained hives - then to pharmacy. We got back to condo after dermatologist and pharmacy and he had a screaming yelling tantrum like a toddler for about a half hour. I understand he is in pain, tired, confused and frustrated. But his behavior today was so insane I cannot adequately describe it. I needed to call 2 of his doctors to go over interactions on drugs he is taking and he got confused about which meds came from which doctors and just had such a screaming fit. He would scream at my mother to come help him, then scream at her to leave him the hell alone, then scream at her to get her ass in here and help me, on and on and on.
Finally, I told her to stay in the kitchen and I told him to shut his mouth in language I have never used with anyone in my life.
He finally got the meds and doctors matched up, I made the needed phone calls, wrote down day be day med instructions for him and left. I was literally shaking as I left.
Can he control this behavior? Meaning, does he have cognitive impairment or is he just a mean-spirited blowhard? If this is volitional, is he engaging in elder abuse with your mom? This is unacceptable.
My mother just called and said he had a long nap after I left, like a toddler who wears himself out after a tantrum. She made him a nice dinner and he is feeling better. So, I guess she just sweeps his behavior under the rug, as she has been doing for 57 years.
You may want to not play the enabling game. I remember your feelings in another long ago thread. The question is if your mother needs protecting. No adult should leave shaking.
I dont mean to offend you in my hard(er) line. But if you need me to, I’m here.
My mother left me breathless, screaming inside. I learned to both draw a line and be cooperative, supportive. But I know the toll. I made my own peace with her. But after her death and the worst of settling her affairs.
My DH thinks my father has dementia. My sister thinks he has an undiagnosed untreated anxiety disorder. I think he is just a narcissistic who lashes out and has tantrums whenever he does not get his way or when he experiences any frustration.
After today, I am instituting what I call toddler tantrum mgmt. He needs breaks, snacks and time outs. In retrospect, the trip to the dermatologist and pharmacy must have been exhausting for him, and I should have insisted on a snack/drink/break as soon as he returned home. The next time he has a tantrum like that in my presence, I am taking my mother out of their condo and leaving. He will be in time out.
I am working on taking over managing their calendar, their driver, dr appts, meds, etc. I’ll do what I need to do, but Thanksgiving I will enjoy with DH and sons and not my lunatic parents.
“My DH thinks my father has dementia.”
That was my thoughts reading your description today. He’s a scared old man who knows he is losing it. But, it sounds like he’s been this way for awhile (forever?). Has it gotten worse?
Any chance you can get one of his docs to get him referred for a neuropsych evaluation so the diagnosis can be clarified (and hopefully he will cooperate). Some meds will exacerbate cognitive symptoms.
@rockvillemom - just wanted to say that I think you are doing the right thing by having some boundaries for yourself and your family over the holidays. I come from a family of origin with lots of disfunction, alcoholism, constant fighting, verbal abuse, etc… After years of counseling, I stopped feeling guilty for prioritizing my child and husband. It got much more complicated when my mother developed ALZ. It was long, hard work getting her out of the house and into a safe situation and the safety nets for elder services are not as great as they should be. Sending lots of cyber support!
He has always had tantrums - or given the silent treatment. He is truly horrible. My sister is a clinical psychologist and she agrees re neuropsych evaluation and meds - but then she talks about drug interactions and he is already on so many meds. I just can’t deal with adding any doctors right now. I am the only person here to help them. If my sister lived closer, I would ask her to work on the neuropsych aspect, but she is in Missouri and visits them twice a year for 2.5 days. Really, that should have taken place years ago, but he defended his behavior and made excuses for it and my mother did the same. At this point, I’d be surprised if he lives more than another few months, a year maybe, so just going to try to manage situation as best I can, with boundaries.
@rockvillemom Be very, very good to yourself. Good for you with the toddler management regimen.
My point is, some of the meds he is currently on could be aggravating cognitive symptoms. He sounds like a person with a chronic behavior and/or personality disorder. Add a disinhibiting disorder (dementia) on top of that, possibly exacerbated by a medication interaction and whew- what a mess!
You might make an appointment with a pharmacist to make sure all the drugs aren’t interacting. When a patient has several doctors, things can get over-prescribed or there can be drugs that shouldn’t be combined. This happened to my father (who could be your father’s twin, @rockvillemom with the toddler tantrums and mistreatment of my mother, but we’d have to fight over who was the evil twin). He had something like 20 prescriptions when he came home from the hospital/rehab/reg doctor. The pharmacist (who happened to be a college buddy of mine) got it down to 7or 8 because a couple of the doctors prescribed the same thing and didn’t realize someone else had already prescribed it or something like it.
Good advice. I am in the process of making a chart of each doctor and matching meds prescribed to doctor and then will have it reviewed to see if anything could be worsening situation. But, I don’t think so. His cognitive decline has accelerated dramatically in the past year - really in the past few months - and no new drs or meds. I think it is just age - he is almost 88 - and he is slowly dying from cardiac issues.
First of all I totally get it. I also see how he lives in your brain rent free. You seem to be making your determinations on a day to day basis. He behaves one day and gives up his car, you decide it was a big indication of something and you decide to spend Thanksgiving with him. A few days later he misbehaves and that’s it, no thanksgiving for him.
The decision isn’t even about Thanksgiving as far as I can tell. This is about your guilt and about how much you feel you owe him. I get you also blame your mom. She’s the one I’d be more concerned about.
At this point in his life you know there is no changing him, merely managing him. I also wonder if you’re capable of compartmentalizing him into his own little box of needing a little attention, then putting that box away when you aren’t dealing with him. The time is coming when he won’t be around I’d be concerned about how you’ll be feeling down the road about not putting yourself and your family ahead of someone who really didn’t appreciate the effort.