Thanksgiving aftermath - family feud

Cognitive decline can occur for lots of reasons. Vascular changes and the decreased cardiac function will decrease O2 to his brain. The brain needs to be fed oxygen. There can be other coexisting age-related cognitive decline factors, further exacerbated by medications. Benzodiazepines and anticholinergics, for example. Statins may as well. They may be tolerated better when the person isn’t first showing cognitive issues, but the effects become more apparent as the underlying cognitive decline escalates.

I bookmarked this thread, because I think a lot of us are dealing with elderly that have behavior problems like this. We got a concierge doctor one year ago, and that has been a life saver - one doctor who knows everything. I don’t know what I can add, because my dad is alone and does not have a spouse to boss around. He is kind, as far as I know, with his caregiver, who comes for 13 hours each week. He is only unkind to me and my sister.

He can be narcissistic AND have dementia. Later on, AFTER Thanksgiving, plan to have him evaluated. You need to think of his, your mom’s, and your safety.

In the meantime, be very good to yourself, your husband’s and your sons. Splurge. Go away to see a play (a concert, a circus act, a nascar race I :wink: anything you live and haven’t done in a while ) booking a big room with a king sized bed and lots of pillows in a nice hotel with a view and a nice restaurant.

I recommend the website outofthefog.net (esp. the forums) for dealing with Toxic/personality disordered family members.

Also if you ever feel guilty about prioritizing your Family of Choice over your Family of Origin:

Genesis 2:24 says
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Even if you are not Christian/Jewish, this is something that was given as advice over 2000 years ago.

Thank you all for the support and advice. Today is calm. The new meds are helping, he is out of pain, and acting more normally, well, normal for him.

He never apologizes. The closest he came was to say that I had no idea how much pain he was in yesterday and that he was confused because of it. Does being in pain excuse screaming at family members who are trying to help you? How does throwing a tantrum improve the situation? These are rhetorical questions, the man has no insight into his behavior other than to justify it.

I am focusing on managing the situation, compartmentalizing him sounds like a valid approach and just doing what I must do, and then stopping there.

Thanksgiving is off the table. I have no happy memories of this man, no reason to add to my collection of bad ones.

Make this holiday about your kids and husband. Turn off all phones.

No point in trying to rationalize irrational behavior.

Is there any reason to have any contact with him now or in the future?

Wrong thread.

@ucbalumnus - I feel obligated to look after my parents. They literally have no one else. The struggle is the balancing act between doing the minimum needed, setting a good example for my sons and enjoying my life.

If it’s his last Thanksgiving, I would take them food and share apple pie together.

My father (the evil twin) died a few weeks ago. I have no regrets that I didn’t have one more dinner with him or otherwise put up with him one more time. I gave up most family holiday meals and events years ago, or made sure I had a car and could make a fast get-away. I also do not drink at family events so that I can drive away if need be and because I need to be in complete control. He was very mean to me for many years. I am now doing all the financial stuff (insurance, bills, social security) to help my mother, but it is just reinforcing that he was a financial mess (he borrowed money from me and my sister, and caused us to lose money over the years).

There were a lot of people at the funeral talking about what a wonderful person he was. Smile and nod and say thank you. I’m not going to the burial in another state as that’s just one bridge too far. There will be many people saying what a great guy he was, how he never had a cross word for anyone, and I can only smile and nod so many times.

@twoinanddone - I can totally relate with the “great guy” commentary. I cringe on the inside but nod too. I will be with my father for xmas this year because I want to see my mom for her first xmas in memory care. We are staying at hotel, will have a car, and the ability to escape when we need.

@twoinanddone, I am so sorry for your loss.

Wow, @twoinanddone , @momofsenior1 and @rockvillemom . Tough stuff.

That reminds me, when FIL died, we kids did not have a service in his home town, one sibling had a mass said for him in their town. I know that his social group (of nearly 50 years) had a get together at one person’s home and had about 50 people. It worked well for us and for them :wink: Made me very happy not to travel for that.

It is tough stuff indeed. The hardest thing for me is when a well-meaning friend/acquaintence says something along the lines of, “well, at least you still have two living parents”. And I just cringe. What do I say to that? I wish I did not? I think it is hard for someone who had kind and decent parents to understand just how awful it can be. Whether it is my father’s yelling and bullying or my mother’s meek submission, it is just horrendous.

@twoinanddone - my sympathy for your loss - not just the father you lost - but the father you didn’t have. I hope to keep my father’s eventual funeral tiny. Really, who would come? He has few living family members, subtract the ones he does not speak to and we are down to 6 people - maybe a few people from their condo. It’s a big deal to my mother that the adult children should speak lovingly of the deceased parent at their funeral. She always makes it a point to comment on this whenever she attends one. I don’t have to give this any thought. I have nothing to say.

I did not attend my Mother’s memorial. She was a true narcissist. I had come to terms with her and myself about 8 years before she died. Did not go “No Contact” but my boundaries were awesome. I could not listen to the “what an amazing woman” stuff and could not deal with my sister who is her clone. Have never regretted it for a minute,

We get the same thing about poisonous late MIL, people telling us what a wonderful woman she was. In fact, the online guestbook on her obituary had a post from a neighbor who wrote something along the lines of how wonderful she was and how she was alone much of the time and longed to spend time with her son and grandsons. I smiled and nodded at my computer screen.

And I’ll say it again: Toxic Parents, Dr. Susan Forward.