There is still an internet tribute to my Borderline Personality Disorder sister that refers to her “Irish temper.” And also says she died “quietly at home.” when she in fact hanged herself.Not a thing I can do about that, but at times I have run into people with similar experiences, and we understand.Take care of yourself, and put your family of choice first.
@rockvillemom - I lost both of my parents when I was 24 years old. In my younger days, I likely would have been one of those well-meaning acquaintances or friends who made comments like that. I did have kind and decent parents. However, after dealing with my fil (who sounds like he was very similar to your dad) for a few years, I stopped making those types of comments, because I saw that not everyone had the type of parents that I had had. I dealt with him for over 30 years. He passed away a couple of months ago, and I had very little sadness about it.
Additionally, I am now in the season of life where most of my friends are starting to cope with elder parent issues in one way or another. One whose mom is dealing with early dementia apologized to me earlier this week, saying she felt guilty anytime she talked about her struggles because she knew how much I miss my parents. I told her not to feel that way at all! I see the issues my friends are having and honestly feel a relief that I am NOT having to deal with them with my own. I’m not exactly sure what that says about my character - of course I wish I still had my parents! But, there is no doubt I have many friends dealing with all manner of hardships related to toxic and/or aging parents. I had a better relationship with my parents in my 24 years than dh had with his dad in 55+. They were not perfect by any means, but they loved me and doted on me, and I knew they were proud of me. Dh never got that. MANY never get that.
I resented having to spend every. single. holiday. with my in-laws because I had no family of my own (I’m an only child). Fil’s toxicity was the only source of contention in my marriage. Dh would wisely say, “I can’t get my dad to behave.” I always kept naively hoping that the next time would be better. That he would suddenly become kind and appreciative and not so narcissistic, harsh, and critical. I would grasp at any crumb of civility or decency he would throw out and convince myself he was changing. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he could be a different, better person. Nope.
Many hugs to all who deal with toxic parents whether they are elderly or not.
Similar to what @Hoggirl posted, I adored my mother and lost her when I was 20. I was naively shocked when people would complain about their mothers, and duh, I realized that it’s the luck of the draw. You don’t get to pick your parents.
No, you don’t get to pick your parents but you can choose to remove yourself from abuse.
I don’t see a moral or character problem with having Thanksgiving with your sons and husband instead of your parents in light of your dad’s long standing behavior. My mother in law never accepted me and said mean things over the years so I have a teeny tiny bit of understanding though it must be so much harder to have your own parent treat you in a bad way. All that said, you are clearly a wonderful daughter and try very hard to help them. Based on your postings, I worry you would feel guilty in the future if he passed shortly after the holiday so going over for a brief visit might help going forward. (To be clear, I don’t think you should feel guilty.)
This thread is a year old with SO many experiences added to the OP’s.
It’s not just about the OP–it’s about a lot of us. I think a lot of people have benefited.
It’s tough. So tough.
I wanted to add some words to encourage OP but realized I’ve added them more than once to this thread. So I can’t add anything more without repeating myself.
OP-I’ve no real advice (again) other than take real care of you, your husband and your kids. That should be your focus.
Those precious years with your kids are MORE fleeting than the one with your parents.
Do NOT think it’ll recover after years of neglect.
Keep the legacy of happy family times in YOUR hands.
Pass happy family gatherings on to your kids. It’s a gift.
You don’t have much time left.
Make this about what YOU WANT FOR YOUR OWN FAMILY!
@rockvillemom , a person can have dementia and physical issues, and ALSO be a narcissistic jerk. While I believe we are obligated to honor our parents, this doesn’t mean being a doormat or putting up with horrible behavior. It simply means meeting the needs that are in our power to meet.
I agree with @bopper 's use of Genesis to support putting one’s family of choice first. This is the morally healthy thing to do.
We’re trying to navigate this with my narcissistic mother in law. I have no easy answers, but my husband has hired a consultant to help her get on her state’s insurance for poor people, because we feel no obligation to pay for a Cadillac plan, after she has squandered what used to be a fortune, and then demands that we support her.
@twoinanddone , when my abusive father died 5 years ago, I said only nice things about him at his funeral. They were all true and they reflected what other people knew about him, but I only shared half the truth. I was conflicted, but I still think it was the right thing to do for me. One of my brothers was so furious at the nice things I said that he refused to speak to me for months. I get where he was coming from, too. Our dad was both a pillar in the community and also the guy who knocked my teeth out.
I want to express my deepest sympathies to those posters who lost parent(s) at an early age. As difficult and ridiculous as my parents can be, I am not wishing they died decades ago.
I do want to focus on DH and our sons - that is my priority. My parents went grocery shopping with their driver/aide today and it went very well. So, that was a step in the right direction. I am working on donating their car and hope to have that wrapped up over the next week or so.
Here’s a question for you. What happens if I go out of town and there is a medical emergency? I am the only local family member (not counting their niece - my cousin - who literally lives one bldg over from them - but my father stopped speaking to his sister 10+ years ago - so no way she would ever help them). The driver is a nice guy, but he helps a few other elderly people in their condo as well, he might or might not be available in an emergency - and he is primarily a driver - not someone who would go to the hospital for example and manage a situation. They have very few friends left - and most are elderly and in similar or worse condition.
If I had been out of town on Tuesday, I have no idea what they would have done. Maybe take a cab to the doctor, and then another cab to the pharmacy, and then another cab home? I cannot imagine them being able to do that. We ruled out uber because they do not have a smart phone and really need more help than a cab or uber would provide. They both need assistance getting in and out of the car, my Dad needs help getting set with his walker, my mother needs help fastening her seatbelt.
I am really stumped.
Medical emergency => they should call the ambulance (regardless of whether or not you or any other usual contact is in town).
@rockvillemom maybe it is time to look into an assisted living type of situation. You shouldn’t have to be on call 24/7
True, but after what happened Tuesday, it is clear to me they cannot manage a medical emergency on their own. My father was so confused and then became so agitated. My mother has very poor vision and cannot function well independently as she is so conditioned to wait for and take direction from my father. Something as basic as handling paperwork for insurance at the ER would overwhelm her.
I think I am going to contact a local council on aging or similiar for suggestions. Just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this issue and how they handled.
Do they have long term care insurance, @rockvillemom ? Or are they in a financial position to be able to afford a geriatric care manager? I managed my dad’s care long distance for 7 years after my mom passed away. I am 1000 mi away. These things are doable. You don’t need to be their slave. And in an emergency, they can call 911 and go by ambulance.
In an emergency, people (anybody) should call 911 and go by ambulance. If they can’t call 911, they probably shouldn’t be living on their own. If you think your dad or mom wouldn’t call 911 but would call you, then be prepared to call 911 on their behalf.
Who is your back-up now? Anyone who has any responsibility for another person’s (or people’s) health and safety should ask themselves this question, because any of us could be taken out of commission at any time (although I hope none of us are!). So, your current back-up can be the back-up when you leave town to go on vacation, which I hope you will do.
For out of town matters, I’d make sure the hospitals/doctors have your information and perhaps prepare an envelope containing all medical and contact info for your mother to hand to the ambulance drivers or anyone else who can help get info to you or contact you (or your sister). If they won’t move to assisted living, they are going to have to take what they can get, which may be a ride to the nearest hospital in an ambulance. It may not be the hospital that is his first choice.
You also may want to invest in one of the 'Help, i’ve fallen and can’t get up" buttons. She used to set it off all the time but when she really needed it (fell and broke her hip) it is how she called for help, they called the son (next door) and he could call the ambulance. She is 95 and has a caretaker who comes in 2-3 times a week. My friend and husband bring over 3 meals a day. They do lead their own lives but when need to go out of town, someone has to stay in their house. It used to be me, but now his sister comes from California. There are no spur of the moment trips, but they did go to England last summer. He left a file for his sister will all the POAs and medical information (doctors, pharmacy, hospitals, rehab facility) and with a prayer went on vacation.
My narcissist father and my co-dependent mother moved away 25 years ago because my father didn’t want to be asked to baby sit for his only grandchildren (who were 2 and 3 at the time). I saw them three times again before they both died. I found out my dad died when H got a phone call from my uncle while we dropping D off for her freshman year in college. He had died a month earlier and they were just getting around to telling me. Anyway, I opted not to tell D at that time. She hadn’t seen him since she was 6 and he stole her ice cream cone. Fast forward to Thanksgiving that year. We’re sitting around the table and giving thanks. Oldest son said “I’m thankful that if one of my grandparents had to die this year, it wasn’t Grandma X (H’s mom).” The other boys chimed with, yes, us, too. D said, what are you talking about? and I realized that, OOPS!, I had not gotten around to telling her my father had died. It’s been 10 years, but every time D comes back from a trip, the first thing she says is, who died?
I realized recently that I don’t miss my father one bit.
When my Dad died many years ago, my kids were sad that the “good Grandpa” died? Me, too!
@rosered55 - I have no backup - that is one of the main issues.
They refuse to even discuss moving into assisted living. After one of them dies, I will insist the remaining person does so. Together as a unit they are incredibly stubborn. Just one left will be easier.
Geriatric case manager - ok - I will look into that idea.
They do not have LTC, but have plenty of money. Money is not the issue. It is their refusal to make any changes or anticipate what could happen next. Although, he did just give up the car. I thought that would be a tougher fight.
He gave up the cR so you would become his chauffeur. Manipulation by a master. Be strong.
“Money is not the issue.”
Arrange for a car service to take them where they need to go.