Thanksgiving aftermath - family feud

Parent Cafe
501

When my friend’s mother broke her hip, she was in a care facility very near my house. I thought it was great. She had her room with a big tv, there were 5-6 dining rooms and she could eat at one or have her meal in her room. There were little libraries and sitting rooms in every hallway. There was a bus to drive them to the shopping centers. A pool table room, crafts, events and activities, a beauty parlor, etc. I was ready to move in! Another place near me is an Eastern Star (Episcopalian) center and has stand alone houses, apt., and rooms. It has religious services a few times per week. A friend of mine lived there is a house until she was over 90.

I really don’t get the big objection to these places. I think most people are much less dependent there than if their kids are having to take care of them all the time and they are waiting for their kids to take them to get a hair cut or shop for a birthday gift for a friend.

502

I feel somewhat strongly that we adult children don’t need to compensate for our parents’ magical thinking (i.e., not anticipating would could happen next).

503

Bingo, twoinanddone. They want the kids to do it. It’s sometimes control. Parent > child.

504

@rockvillemom my sympathy and empathy. And I agree, in an emergency they can call 911 and someone will come to help.

Many months ago when you started this thread, my advice was therapy. All I can say (again) is that it saved me during the final 2 years of the life of my dad. My therapist told me that it’s never too late to work out a relationship with a parent, but much easier while said parent (or parents–my mother died when I was 33; my dad lived with my stepmother who was definitely not my mother!) was still alive.

Before I reached out to my friends and found my amazing therapist, I felt like I was dying. Every time I went to my dad’s house, I felt like I would be electrocuted, that there was some kind of toxic electrical field in their house. And of course that was 2-3 times a week. It was diffused by the time he died two years later. I took care of them throughout my daughter’s 4 years of high school and it was SO HARD.

So (((((hugs))))) to you, however you choose to handle it. And Happy Thanksgiving next month.

505

@rockvillemom - you asked what should you say to friends who say to you "At least you have both your parents alive:. Since they are well-meaning, and don’t understand the abuse you’ve been through, the best advice I can suggest is to tell them “Thank you, it’s kind of you to say that”, or even “Thank you, I sometimes need to hear that kindness…” and all the while, you know that they think they are being kind to you, but they are really being more kind to your parents.

I think you are on the right track, managing your father like a toddler.

Without making excuses, his behavior/tantrums are brought on by stress, and you have the beginning of the right idea by managing them with regular snack/drink. If he were in a nursing home or elder care center, he’s probably be given sedatives to prevent / control outbursts.

Somehow, despite not having great parents for role models, you have made great progress in the last year, by recognizing how his destructive behavior is unacceptable, and you have chosen to be the best person and role model for your own amazing kids and husband, but most importantly for yourself. I am sure you have read over the early parts of this thread, and I think everyone here wishes we can offer you emotional support, and empathy, because your parents never showed you any empathy ever - they are not capable of doing that. But somehow, you are incredibly supportive to them despite how hard it has been for you.

It is not easy dealing with parents who refuse to acknowledge that they are a problem. And the sporadic behavior - like the giving up the car - can sometimes be one step forward two steps back.

I suggest that you purchase a small bracelet or lanyard necklace that will hold a list of his recent meds/dosages/doctors and history. Some elderly include a rosary, or a prayer card, etc. on it, as a way to help them accept that in the event of an emergency, the relevant history is readily available.

My son recently told me that he had thought I was harsh when I would show that I was often stressed by my mother. But he house-sat for us when we went away, and he stopped to visit her. He realized that she really is hard to deal with - it can be exasperating, but after I let it out (not around her), I usually feel much better. Be glad that your children love and support you, they understand that you are trying to do the right thing. Focus on them and I hope you have a special, loving Thanksgiving.

506

Old mom, YES. I had physical pain the last two times I visited my mother.
I felt as if I was going to be seriously hurt. My whole body went into a serious adrenaline drive.
It was exhausting. I was super glad that my internal voice said, “you are not safe”
so I could monitor myself.

507

Perhaps the people who say nice things about the deceased witch are just trying to be polite. We had a customer at work for more than 20 years who was the meanest woman I have ever met. She talked down to everyone, even calling one staff person ‘stupid,’ and no one wanted to deal with her. I was acquainted with her son and friends with him on Facebook. When she died, I nearly gagged at all the nice things people had to say about her on his FB page. Of course, I resisted the urge to say what I thought of her. So…when people say what a fine man your dad was, it could be they are just being nice.

508

@rockvillemom - I was in the same boat with being the only local emergency person. However, if there is a real emergency, your mom needs to call 911. When we travelled, I made my brother be the contact person. He was out of state but could certainly call the squad and talk to the hospital. The arrangement was that he would check in daily with our parents and they would call him if there was a problem. I used to worry like crazy but then realized that I needed the mental break, had to be present to my husband and daughter, and deserved to go on vacation too! (Took lots of years of counseling to get to that point).

My parents aren now a plane ride away from both of us and even though my mom is in a facility, it poses it’s own set of challenges. Our arrangement with the facility is to not send her to the hospital unless it’s a true emergency which for the past week they have been following, but if she does need to go out, they call their private duty agency and have an aide go with her. That alleviates the stress on my father who can’t emotionally handle anything (and depending on time of day, would mostly likely be drunk). So far I’ve been able to manage calls to medical providers on the phone but I’m sure at some point I’ll have to make an emergency trip.

509

I moved next door to my dad 2 years ago, and we just celebrated his birthday last week. Over two years, it has been a roller coaster. I smiled and nodded when his acquaintances prepared a birthday notebook for him and wrote that he was “the greatest humanitarian they have ever met”. He is also selfish and narcissistic. I brag on him one minute and complain about him the next.

This thread has been very helpful to me, and I hope rockvillemom can get help from all the posters here, realizing that she is not alone.

510

I read the book Being Mortal last year, and it was eye-opening for me and helpful. Highly recommend.

511

I would get your parents a service which lets them push a button (on a lanyard) for emergency use. My dad has one. If he pushes it they respond asking the situation and who he wants to contact. You can set it up with multiple phone numbers. In our case we have a neighbor’s number, my sis, me. So it’s not instantly calling for an ambulance. But of course it does that also. He does pretty well but if he fell in the house or outside there would be no way to get to a phone so we feel it’s necessary. If it is pushed and they can’t get an answer (maybe you can’t talk) 911 is called.

Another thing you can do is put emergency information in a clearly marked envelope taped to the refrigerator door. Around here at least, emergency personnel will look there for information. Insurance info (make a copy of both sides of card), list of medication, doctors and a copy of DNR (do not resuscitate order) if applicable. Include all info that you can think of on that paper that might be asked on a hospital form (name, address, medical conditions, birth dates etc.) Make a copy for yourself.

512

And add your own phone number as a contact to the emergency list.

513

Do the have updated medical proxies, POA and health directives/living wills?

514

Just saying. When you travel, or aren’t reachable, that’s when your sister can step up. You don’t have to be the only one, even though she’s further away. It doesn’t seem she feels the same guilt about their daily or holiday needs. Not judging that. Many here and on the PCP thread mention not being nearby to parents, but overseeing or making the right judgments, from afar. Get her on the contact list and ensure she’s listed with docs as having permission to speak with them, get status, make decisions.

It’s ok.

515

I wish this thread had been around for the past 25 years. RVM, your parents sound a LOT like mine.

When my stubborn dad finally had access to car keys removed, my mom called around to some of her lady friends with husbands in the same boat. Apparently a lot of the country club members hire the club car parkers/valets to drive their husbands around. She was able to get several driver names and they took my dad down to his office (where he probably read the paper - he was an attorney and the firm gave him use of an office til he was about 82 which I’m sure was a lifesaver for my mom to get a break from him for a few hours a couple of times/week) or to the club for lunch. Word of mouth can be very helpful for things like this.

516

Also remember your parents refusal to plan appropriately does not mean it all needs to fall on you to keep things going for them that makes them comfortable. Why not ask them how they want to handle when you’re not available?

517

@rockvillemom Just because your parents don’t want to go to assisted living does not mean that you are obligated to provide the services they cannot provide for themselves. Of course they want you to do it; it’s easier for them and means they won’t have to move.

But if you say that you cannot do these things, they will have to find a solution on their own. And this solution will be assisted living. They will be so much happier once they’re in a place that meets their needs, and you will, too. I wouldn’t wait for one to pass away before doing this.

518

Thanks so much for all of the great suggestions and support.

I am donating the car, returning tags and cancelling car insurance over the next few days.

Next is putting together a list of doctors and meds. They do have health care documents, but I have never seen them, just the folder.

Then, I want to enlist outside help for an evaluation - not sure if it will be a geriatric case manager or a social worker - but I want an objective 3rd party to sit down with all of us and make some suggestions.

I think my mother needs to use a walker, needs one of those alert button pendants and needs cleaning help. She is presently refusing to discuss any of these ideas. Can you imagine what would happen if she fell and broke a hip? How on earth would I manage that by myself? It’s stupid things like she takes the top off the kitchen garbage can to scrape plates - puts the top on the kitchen floor - and trips over it! I have offered to buy a different garbage can with a top that will stay up, she’s not interested.

I am hoping a neutral 3rd party will also evaluate whether they can stay in their condo with some additional support that is not me, or would advise them to move.

So, that’s the plan.

519

That is a good plan. My BIL was very helpful putting in railings in the bathrooms and to the basement (although my father never EVER went to the basement, he insisted on the extra railings). I think the manager might have suggestions for their home that none of you may have thought of --no throw rugs, no step stools (move stuff to lower levels), the panic buttons they wear or in the bathroom/kitchen. Even things like hot water regulators that keep hot water to like 100 degrees instead of 120.

I still don’t get the resistance to assisted ‘spa’ living. It seems so nice to me. And who doesn’t want a cleaning person, a lawn guy, a personal shopper? Sign me up.

520

@rockvillemom - you could also play the “doctor said so” card about making the home environment safer. That’s what it took with my parents. The neurologist told my mom she couldn’t drive anymore and then my dad’s doctor told him he had to hire caregivers and get an emergency call button. I don’t know if it’s generational, but they always seem to listen to the doctors.