Don’t offer. Buy the new garbage can with the top that stays up, replace the garbage bag in it, remove the old trash can entirely. Don’t even mention it, just do it. It works because they tend to forget what they asked for or when they last saw said garbage can, and wondering what happened or when is too complicated.
That’ll be one less worry.
I think people of my parents generation think differently about assisted care than we do.
My il’s are so funny. Even though they have plenty of money and know that they can splurge on things, they don’t. My fil didn’t like his car because he was finding it hard to adjust the seats so he wanted to buy a new car. Instead of a new car, he bought an older than his last car except with more options. 8-|. We went over there to help them put the cover on the pool and put away stuff for the winter. My mil insists on taking all of her planters apart (normal) but she has to separate all the plants because she saves certain annuals for next year. She buys her foil and plastic wrap at estate sales and also reuses them.
You just can’t take the thrifty out. Going to an expensive step up care facility, they would never ever think that was a good use of their money.
Il’s did get someone to mow the yard this year. And clean the house. They are doing well and if they had to, would not be resistant to a nursing home. But they don’t see the need to move out of the house if they don’t have to.
Looks like @rockvillemom 's parents (or father) wants her to be the cleaning person, lawn person, personal shopper, chauffeur, etc., rather than have hired persons (or persons in the assisted living facility) fulfill those roles.
OP did mention they have an occasional driver. But that person is only a driver, not a true caregiver.
Their driver is fantastic, that is the one thing saving my sanity. He is around 65, retired, his wife is the condo building msnager, so he helps a few of the elderly people in the bldg. I offered to do grocery shopping for my mother, deliver groceries to her every wknd, but she wants to get out of the condo and do it herself. So, driver takes them to the store, helps her locate items, helps carry bags up to condo. He is wonderful. They just have to get into a routine of booking him a few days in advance and checking his schedule before they make a dr appt and so forth.
@MYOS1634 - you are absolutely right. I am replacing the kitchen garbage can.
Agree. Buy the garbage can and be done. And whatever else needs doing.
Around here handicap handles for bathrooms are installed free by certain services (since they save a lot of money in the long run in health care). Might want to check that out.
We did a few things like this with my dad. He’d say “I don’t need this! I don’t want this!”
Our answer was always “It’s NOT for you. It’s for US. It can be your gift to us. We’re stressed worrying about you and it makes OUR lives easier. ( And by the way, it’s not hurting you in the least).”
We did the same with ordering the button thingie and service when my dad insisted he didn’t need it.
I finally said “I’m not coming over here to pick your butt up off the floor or find you dead after a few days because you refuse to do something so simple.” Done deal.
LOL–Dad and I get along great and STILL we’ve had major disagreements. But I think some is that elderly parents have to relinquish some control to their kids. And face their own new fragility. Which is why if you can frame something as “helping ME” rather than “helping YOU” it might work better.
Or better yet, “the new garbage can” is “keeping you in style”–really, how old fogie do you want to be?
OMG - I need to quote you verbatim.
@gouf78: I think this works if you have “normal” parents. When you have “irrascible”/impossible parents, you have to do it for yourself, quietly, not as a matter of preference or favor or anything… you do not ask or talk about it (unless you are masochistic and want abuse hurled at you).
There’s no convincing. You make the change. They may or may not notice, they may or may not yell, but it will be done.
@MYOS1634 – you’ll notice a bit of “tough love” in the middle of my post.
I’m never successful at “sneaking” things in unless it’s something really small.
@gouf78 I was going to recommend the same thing about emergency info on refrigerator door. My parents live in independent cottage at retirement home and they’re are required to have that (plastic envelope with Red Cross on it). If it’s a thing in other places then likely emergency responders know to look for this in other areas. I’m in SC.
My parents are on a waiting list to move into a senior apartment. Not assisted living, but 55+ with a dining room and other amenities on premise. It took my mom years to convince my dad to move, but after having to spend a lot of money on home maintenance recently (new A/C) and free labor from my S to trim trees and myself to fix the leak under the sink, dad finally agreed. They did not plan well for retirement and money IS an issue. At least they are in reasonably good health and easy to get along with. They will sell the home they have lived in for nearly 60 years, the one I grew up in, and I am okay with that.
I would not even dare suggest to my mother that she get one of those call things. And I know that if she was pressed to get one, she would never wear it so it would be useless.
Of course, she is very active and strong at the age of 95 and does not have balance issues. She’s probably more like someone in their late 70s.
If she does become fragile at some point, then we will have to deal with it.
My mother would not have remembered what the call thing was. She tossed the tile we put in her wallet because she kept losing it. It was funny because even though she clearly had some dementia regarding stuff like this, her conversation never went downhill and though she had some weird hallucinations - she was always totally aware that they weren’t real. I’ve never understood the attachment of older people to their homes. I think there is some mistaken sense that it is easier for everyone that way. Which of course it is not.
@mathmom, I think the thought of moving is terrifying. However much they are failing, at least they know where the bathroom is, etc.
It’s true the longer you wait the less adaptable they are.
Real conversation with a friend who was doing everything for her parents.
Friend: mom, I think it would be a good idea to get some help. You know…to do things like cleaning and laundry and shopping.
Her Mom: I DO NOT NEED HELP!
Friend: actually you already have help. It’s me. And really, I don’t want to be your help. I want to be your “daughter”.
The mom actually understood this. Her daughter wanted to be a daughter…take her out to lunch. Or to visit her grandchildren, or to a play. Her daughter did not want to be the hired help. That week, they found an awesome person who came to the home three days a week. Did laundry, went grocery shopping (took the mom with her), cleaned the house.
Then when the daughter came over…they could be…mother and daughter.
Thumper, how nice. I’ll pass on that approach
Calm few days. Dad getting over his hives; car has been donated; they are getting into a rhythm of calling the driver every Monday to make plans for the week.
Mom will not take any suggestions - really - she is the more difficult one. No to any suggestions or changes. But, we’ve just gone through a major transition, so I am just going to coast for the next few weeks.
No mention of Thanksgiving so far, and I am not bringing it up.
Your mom may be afraid to make changes for fear of your dad’s wrath. That, or she can say no to you because it’s safe— no risk of immediate repercussions, whereas dad will yell.
Good idea not bringing Thanksgiving up.
Sometimes things take care of themselves.