They are probably more in the here and now. Thanksgiving is 3 weeks away, that’s a lot of hurdles and day to day living they have to get through first. Just my thought. I have a feeling they could bring it up a few days ahead of time.
DH and I took my parents out to dinner last night, went well. My father was calm and in a good mood, even the slow sevice at the restaurant did not bother him. He seems very relieved to be done with driving and done with the car, and thanked me repeatedly for helping him these past few weeks. He seems pretty content to stay in their condo, watch tv, and doze off most of the time. We will take them out on the wknds as needed and the driver covers grocery shopping and routine dr appts.
But my mother is a different story. She is unhappy that he has stopped driving and complains they are very “trapped”. This chapter is coinciding with her last 2 friends her age moving out of the condo and into independent living. Yes, she is increasingly isolated - but it is a situation they created and she is not receptive to any suggestions. I tried asking her where does she want to go and why can she not use the driver? No real answer.
I vascillate between trying to solve the problem and saying to myself that I am doing enough. It’s not my responsibility to entertain her, but I do feel sorry for her. The friends they had in their building have all died or moved to assisted living - and younger couples have moved in - who are not going to seek out an elderly couple.
Clearly, they should move to independent living - but I don’t even suggest it - she wouldn’t even discuss a new kitchen garbage can! It’s sad, particularly since they have the money.
So, I’m going to offer to take her to the mall and out to lunch in the coming week, see how that goes. She has a very hard time getting in and out of my suv and she is so unsteady - I don’t like the idea of dropping her off near the entrance and just leaving her while I park, so plan to go very early when I can get a close parking space and walk with her. She can only walk enough to do 1-2 small stores and lunch. But, I’ll give it a try.
Oh, and still no mention of Thanksgiving. I am actually starting to think they have forgotten about it!
Can your folks get a handicapped parking placard, which would expand the number of nearby spaces you could use when driving them? It really helps us when driving my folks.
Maybe take her to visit the friends in independent living (if they are still in the area)? Drop her off, pick her up and take her home. Maybe if she sees what it’s like, it will feel more like a possibility.
Or just ask, if something happened and you couldn’t live here, where would you like to live? She probably won’t have an idea. But you’re asking an open ended question.
She may be complaining now because she wants to know someone listens. Doesn’t mean you have to respond. It also doesn’t mean you need to adjust your schedule every week, to take her places.
A lot of times, it seems we try yo process what they say as if it makes sense.
My father does have a handicapped parking placard, but I don’t think I can legally use it to just take my mother out. Not sure if she would agree to my trying to get one for her. Maybe I bring him along also? Get him out of the condo. He can sit on a bench outside the store. I have not recently taken them both out by myself. Getting both of them in and out of my suv plus the walker is a lot.
I do like the visiting friends in independent living idea. Some have moved to assisted living and have really deteriorated, but one, who is actually still driving, is moving to a local independent living facility - that’s a good idea, thank you.
In my state, the placard goes with the car. You may be able to get it transferred to yours.
In our state, the placard is specific to the person. It would probably be good for your mom to have her own (if she’s agreeable), so she has more options to have the driver park closer if he drives just her as well, especially as holidays are approaching. Since my folks are wobbly, we were able to convince each of them to get their own hanging placard. (I have one as well but mostly use it when driving my folks.)
An extra benefit in our state is there is no need to pay parking meters for up to 4 hours if you have a placard. You can also park in any designated handicapped space.
Why don’t you have the driver drop your mom off at the mall and pick her up when you are done? That way, you can meet them at the entrance after you have parked and you don’t have to worry about getting her and out of the SUV or about a placard. My H has a placard because of his knees and heart condition. None of us would dream of using it if he wasn’t with us.
Maybe explain that the placard is really for you (when you’re driving her) more so than for her. Tell her it’s a lot easier for you if you can just park in a handicap spot vs having to first stop and let her out then go and park somewhere else.
As an aside, if you or the driver are not available, have you looked into gogograndparent? https://gogograndparent.com/ It’s like uber for older adults who can’t use their smartphone, but you can set it up for them and monitor the travel.
Funny you mention gogograndparent. I was not thinking it would be necessary - but my mother wanted to look into it after a friend had mentioned it.
Her version of events: she called and had to pay $20 by cc over the phone to get the initial welcome kit. Their cc was charged $20, but the info never arrived. When I asked why they were not calling back to see what happened - Dad did not want to bother - he was opposed to it - and my mother just had no explanation.
So, letting that one go. I think they need more assistance than just a ride.
DH is a saint. He has agreed that we will both take them out this wknd to do errands and lunch. I hate to say this is going to be a regular wknd thing, but that seems to be the direction we are moving in.
In many states, the placard goes with the person who is disabled, and abuse of this is a very heavy fine.
In my state, even if you have a handicapped parking license plate, it cannot be used unless the disabled person is in the car/being driven in the car. I’d check your local laws to be sure.
https://www.txdmv.gov/motorists/disabled-parking-placards-plates
There is a reporter in San Francisco who busts drivers using their parents’ or other relatives’ placards when they aren’t with them. He has had some episodes where the parking cops confiscate the placards in addition to the fine, so the relative now has to re-apply for them.
@rockvillemom, if you take them out this weekend and it goes okay, can you say “let’s plan on doing this again in two weeks?” as you deliver them home to establish that it’s not a weekly expectation. Also, that will be Thanksgiving weekend and the comment might set things up for a non-Thanksgiving day get-together.
I’m guessing your mom has the same issue my mom had. She just wants to be young again. There is no solution that she would like and trust me you’d be wasting your energy coming up with ways she can be entertained or worse, have you entertain her.
If they lived in an appropriate situation she would have plenty of opportunities for socializing. I suggest you not try and make up for their poor choices.
I know I sound awful, I say this from experience. You can’t make them young, happy or healthy.
@rockvillemom, I’d contest the gogogrsndparent charge if they never received what was promised, but if course it’s your call. Good luck.
Heck, I’d call for them (without telling them) and see if the packet could be sent again. It is in your best interest for them to have options.
@eyemamom - exactly, spot on. I can’t make them younger or healthier. I can’t make them move into independent living. I’m trying to help a bit once a week, that’s it. I just don’t know how to manage this as it gets worse.
My analogy is a disaster movie scene wuth an elevator with a snapped cable. It plummets a few floors, everyone screaming and panicing, and then it stabilizes. Then it plummets another few floors - more panic and screaming, once again, it seems to stabilize, and then the final strand snaps and it plunges to the bsmt level - mayhem and death. We’ve survived the first freefall but just like in the movies, you know the stabilization is temporary at best, next plunge at any moment.
@HImom - I would if they would let me!
I would never use the handicap placard unless my father was in the car. He has a card in his wallet that goes with it.
It is very challenging trying to help our elders when they keep claiming they don’t need help but indeed they DO need more and more help.
It’s tiring for everyone and changes the dynamic when we are caregivers. They lose their children and relatives and we lose our beloved parents and end up with patients. 
Can you call on their behalf and ask the gogograndparent be sent because it wasn’t received? Maybe have it sent to your address so it isn’t tossed as junk mail.