One of the challenges for me is that my parents see nothing wrong with their behavior. If I object or pushback - I am the one in trouble for my disrespectful, ungrateful behavior. It is actually hard for me to remember that their behavior is completely unacceptable and I am within my rights to object. I feel like a brainwashed cult member sometimes. It’s hard to explain that I still seek their approval. I figure this is the detox phase right now.
Has anyone else read The Glass Castle book and thought “what is all the fuss about?” I read it when it came out in 2005 (two years before my whole parent thing blew up) and I was like, oh their life wasn’t that bad. Reading it now-older and wiser, I’m like, geez. The book was definitely worse than what I experienced (no alcoholism or sexual abuse), but the other stuff I thought was normal (like the constant moving around and being broke).
The other thing I noticed is that my parents only have each other-they have no friends, and growing up I never saw my dad socialize with other guys (mom ruled the roost), and my mom was never able to keep a friend. I see this as a HUGE red flag with people.
If the only people who put up with you are the ones that have to, that’s a pretty good indicator that you suck.
Yes. My Dad has never had friends. Maybe a lunch relationship with a subordinate when he was younger or a man in his condo that he plated chess with once a month until the other man fell ill, but no real friendships. They have minimal contact with other family. I am by far the main presence. Or at least I was.
@rockvillemom – I’m so sorry for how you grew up. For you, that was your normal. Same with me. It’s hard to break the pattern but it sounds like you have.
@MotherOfDragons – I read the Glass Castle – one of those books I wish I hadn’t read – the kids childhood was painted to be amazing but was really horrific. Wasn’t their constant moving because Dad was an alcoholic? Couldn’t hold a job?
@rockvillemom - I’m so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I am glad you are standing up for yourself now. It is so hard to stand up to a lifetime of expectations of your behavior. Know now, they won’t like it or accept it, so you have to be strong as you decide how much you will participate in their drama. What do you do for them now? What are you willing to keep doing even if your dad is awful? I hate to say it, at this point you are not going to change him, you can only change your reaction to it. I seriously doubt at this point they would have the wherewithal to go to a lawyer to change their will.
I don’t know about that. Anger and inner meanness provides a whole lot of negative energy. I think the OP should write off her inheritance if she continues to stand her ground. If they don’t actually cut her off, fine and dandy, but the peace that comes with living life on your own terms may make this the best money she’s ever walked away from.
Best line of the day so far!
^IDK If OP has invested 50+ years in the relationship, what will getting disowned at this point accomplish. If dad is almost 90, maybe not getting disowned and then using the inheritance on excellent therapy and stress reducing lifestyle choices. Having a fully funded retirement, a vacation house. Emotionally detach, take a break but for a short time why handicap your own future.
I suggested this based on the OP’s early posts, because I don’t think I appreciated the extent of the emotional abuse for so long. It wasn’t clear to me whether OP was mostly just venting, or how serious she was about cutting contact with them, and if she was trying to determine for herself under what conditions she might consider re-engaging them.
I get it - I am not trying to condone or gloss over abuse, but in my post #39 I wanted to offer support to her, for her own peace of mind, so she would know that she has tried to remain as kind to them as possible. A “while lie” of trying to frame the issue as this is at least partially her own problem (and based on her later posts, it sounds like she accepts the fact that she hasn’t properly learned how to deal with this) can perhaps tug at her mom’s heartstrings. Just about all parents will always want to help their children. I doubt that OP will ever have a caring, loving relationship with her father, and my heart breaks for the lifetime and the opportunity loss - but I hope OP will come to terms with the fact that this is and has never been HER fault, it was HIS. This is a sad shame, but it sounds like this is who he is.
It is clear to me that OP is struggling - her later posts have been really helpful in describing the situation - using words like detox. Her new situation is naturally a big change, and she may experience all sorts of feelings, not just faux-guilt. It is very difficult to break through a lifetime pattern. She will become a stronger person for going through this.
We don’t know what the future will hold. It is easy to predict remorse and regret, especially if her parents should pass without reconciling. My DH had a difficult relationship with his late parents, but he has told many people that the best thing he did for himself was to forgive them in his own heart. Instead of carrying hurt and blame and all sorts of messed up emotions, which only eats us up, we just need to learn from the experience, and hopefully move on with our lives.
OP perhaps has spent a lifetime of forgiving her parents, but she is now learning from the experience. If she truly believes there is nothing worth redeeming in a relationship with them, and that they will never understand the concept of empathy, she never needs to go back. My experience is that people are far more complicated - there is good and bad in all of us, but people of all ages can learn, and some people can and will change if and when they want to. OP will know in her heart what to do with her parents.
Run, don’t walk, to your local bookstore and by a copy of “Toxic Parents,” by Dr. Susan Forward.
OP:
I think that taking a break from your parents is important because it will give you a little bit of time to wrap your head around all of this so you can mentally & emotionally process it. It’s hard to heal from wounds like yours if your dad keeps picking scabs off and rubbing salt in the wound every single time.
Your sibling has figured out a system of dealing with your parents that works for her - weekly phone calls at a previously-agreed-upon time and annual visits to see them in person. She has figured out that geography is her friend. She has a couple of large mountain ranges and a major river between her and your parents.
You might feel guilty sometimes and you might even end up feeling like you don’t have any choice BUT to go along with what your father demands. You might feel that you HAVE to look after his needs as he ages further, to take him places, etc., etc. But are you doing that because you WANT to or are you doing it because you were trained & conditioned that a “good daughter” does these things for her parents? Are you doing it because you were conditioned to believe that ANYTHING other than total obedience (with no back talk or protesting at all, no asking questions) means that you are a “bad child”?
Continuing to participate in the dysfunction IS a choice. You can most definitely choose a different life for yourself. You DESERVE to live a happy life. You DESERVE to be able to make your own decisions without fear of what Daddy will say.
Despite whatever toxic and vile stuff your parents spout at you, all you have to do is look at the relationship that you have with YOUR kids and know that you cultivated and fostered a healthy relationship with your adult children. YOU taught your kids what mutual respect really means. YOU taught your kids what unconditional love means.
It’s sad and pathetic that your dad will never figure this out. And I totally understand the anger you feel toward your mom. She is the enabler and she is just as big a participant in the dysfunction as your dad is.
I bet that when your sister moved away and set up some boundaries with your parents, your dad probably popped a gasket and flipped out. Perhaps your dad raged in anger against her for a long time. Perhaps your sister was the Scape Goat for awhile.
Now you are the Scape Goat. Your mom sits there and keeps her mouth shut because she is secretly relieved that when he yells at you, he isn’t yelling at her.
My father was difficult, but not abusive. He struggled with heavy drinking off & on, and depression.
It was just hard to be around him. After my mother died, 3 out of 4 of my siblings just pulled away, me included.
I was young, in my early 20s, and lots of things in life were black & white. I didn’t see that I could have kept my distance but also have been kind. Would it have killed me to send a card a couple times a year? No, it wouldn’t have. But, I didn’t.
I am in no way judging anyone who has decided to do a full blow cut off. I’m posting to say my older self has looked back on my younger self and sees options I couldn’t see or couldn’t consider before. I think I wanted to hurt him back and that influenced my actions.
If I could do it over again, I’d keep my distance, but send those cards, or something similarly easy & benign.
I had a difficult relationship with my mother from time to time through my life (not terrible), but at the end of her life, even before she became ill, she became a lunatic with me. When she was ill, my husband and I were there every day and I did everything I could as a person who needed to live with myself after. We had a major, major disagreement about her coming home after her broken hip - I felt she needed professional care and physical therapy, rather than being home with my brother, who I blame for the broken hip. It became a huge battle, which I lost, and after she came home she literally dragged herself off her death bed, and the last independent act she ever took was to cut me out and slap me in the face.
But you know what? I’m really, really, really fine. She made a choice that will define our relationship forever, and destroyed the image I had carefully protected for her with my children. As a result, I never really grieved for her as a mother deserved, but this was her choice. She wasn’t fighting with my distant brother, and he was so horrified by what she did and how she did it, that his family will never view her the same way, either.
Point being, if they want to do this, they will. But money isn’t worth taking that abuse or doing things that compromise your principles, because you still have to live with yourself after they are gone.
The inheritance may not be as large as assumed, and the parents may exclude the OP from it anyway. So counting on the inheritance and therefore allowing the parents to use it as a threat could lead to disappointment anyway.
If the OP is already in a financially good position without any inheritance, that can make it much easier to write it off and prevent it from being used as leverage.
Also, dad could live to be 100.
@rockvillemom I am so sorry you are going through this. Your father sounds like he’s a narcissistic bully, and mom backs him up. I have some experience with a bully, and I will give you my 2 cents on how to deal if you can’t completely avoid them. Don’t engage. Don’t react. Pretend you don’t get their meaning. Smile a lot. Whenever one of them crosses the line, announce there’s something you need to take care of elsewhere. Don’t acknowledge their reactions. It takes practice. The family dynamic requires everyone to do what’s expected. Just stop. You can’t make them understand how you feel. Let it go. I found it helpful to rehearse in my mind how to handle the inevitable provocation so I wouldn’t react emotionally. It is very hard to completely sever such a close relationship. Good luck!
I have a niece with several young children. With much introspection, education about personality disorders, addiction and therapy, she made the decision to have no further contact with her erratic, neglectful and abusive mother. She is protecting her kids from her mother’s toxicity, as well as from her own inability to be at her best when her mother is around. It is sad, but a realistic solution, barring documented changes in behavior and the treatment that would be required to achieve that. With her mother at 60, niece is realistic about the unlikelihood of change. In a healthy way, she gets her “adult” mothering elsewhere and feels her energy is best spent devoted to the family she and her husband created.
As individuals, we can not single-handedly create a reciprocal relationship or fix a toxic one.
Best to you, @rockvillemom. A break seems like a good step.
My daughter is a middle-school special education teacher, and she was a champ in dealing with my mother and other difficult elders. Very calm, very patient, but takes no gruff. She often asked my mother “why did you say that Nan” in a calm and non-judgmental way - actually as if she expected an answer. Of course there wasn’t one, and eventually my mother learned to behave in front of her because she didn’t want to be so politely called out.
Never doubt the power of anger and vindictiveness.
^ Or just how savage narcissists can be. If they had a shred of true empathy, they would self govern. But, they don’t. Never have, this isn’t a recent surprise.
It’s one thing to provide oversight, ensure security and care, from some distance. Quite another to let yourself be turned into quivering jello by even the thought of dealing directly with them.
This parental behavior damages and can destroy. This is about the target’s survival. Sounds dramatic, but when someone is hurt for so long, there’s no telling them just to play “good daughter” as if nothing’s wrong…as if you just buck up the way you have for 40+ years, to no avail.
That would be codependent, “It’s ok, you’re old.”