One suggestion: don’t say anything about the inheritance to them, and don’t react to anything they say about it.
Throw your arms around them and hug and kiss them as if it were for the last time. Try to engender some love and good will. Time is short.
Wow. You clearly don’t/didn’t have parents like this.
Wow. If dad was physically abusing OP and mom was standing there watching, is this still the advice you’d give? Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical, just much more covert.and deniable.
@rockvillemom, I really feel for you. I, too, grew up in a highly dysfunctional family (with different issues), but my husband’s family sounds just like yours. I don’t think it’s too late to stop the dynamic and set boundaries. Even if they don’t accept the change, you will regain a measure of control and can determine when and where you will put up with them.
When you change the steps to the dance, they will have to respond. The key is to set your limits in a firm way. If they want to have Thanksgiving (or any holiday celebration) with you, determine in advance what is acceptable. For example, you can decide to have a meal at your house, with a menu of your choosing, and a start and end time that suits you. Invite them. They will be guests and don’t get a say in any of the details. If one of them starts on a rant, it is your right to stand up and walk into another room (I have done this with my narcissistic, manipulative MIL) without a word. Don’t engage, just rise above. Turn on the TV, your music, or just pick up a book and make yourself tea or something stronger.
Yeah, I know it’s a real nightmare when you’re in the thick of it, but keep telling yourself you don’t have to own their emotions.
@MotherOfDragons , yes! Having no friends is definitely a red flag. My ILs celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary about 10 years ago, and had literally no one to invite. By contrast, my own parents (who were certainly messed up in their own way) had a party with 150 people.
@Midwest67, i also use the toddler approach when dealing with my MIL. Oops, she’s having a melt down, better disengage…
I wouldn’t invite them to your home. They won’t act like guests, clearly aren’t following nice social protocol, nor do they care to. And you can’t grab your bag and go.
Some parents like this are really pretty good with other people, and just treat their kids (especially their daughters) this way. That is what my family is like. The good manners my parents show with others just drop away when it is just family. I liked @tucsonmom’s comment on geography, although it doesn’t help the OP’s situation. I teeter on the far edge of the continent right now – one reason I moved was to put MORE distance between myself and them.
This struck such a chord with me. FIL was a miserable narcissist, reminded me so much of a toddler in his egocentric world. Everything anyone did must have been to show how they felt about him. Near the end I had to travel to aid him as the emergency happened when the family member who was supposed to perform that task was traveling. FIL went on and on asking for that other family member and finally told me that he thought he was dying and wanted his family, especially that member, around his bed (what he envisioned sounded kind of like an old movie with the old guy dying in the huge old bed and the entire family around paying homage.)
Sadly, people who are so damaging get what they deserve, which is the opposite of what they want. The behavior that stems from desperation actually drives away family and affectionate feelings. What they do, to demand what they want, causes people to have no interest in doing that demanded thing, in fact, it causes the family to have to protect themselves. So self defeating!
Appreciate all the advice. To answer a few comments.
Inheritance is over a million - not chump change by any means. A part of me feels like I have earned it. But, out of my control and I think that topic goes on the back burner. Much will depend on which of them dies first, which I assume to be my father.
I typically talk to them 3-5 times a week and see them every other week. I run errands, bring over grocery items they could not locate, take my mother out shopping, provide Internet services, etc. But a few weeks ago, my mother commented to me that she told her s-i-l that they remain very independent and I do little for them. I guess being on call 24/7 does not count. I have done various things for them where afterwards my father says that he could have done it himself. So, I am simultaneously not doing much for them and doing things they could have handled - so what is the point?
I’m not going to abandon them completely. I will be there for a crisis. But really cutting back otherwise.
I slept really well last night and realized when I woke up how great it feels to not have an evening call with them. Here’s a recent example. My parents had to switch bank branches a few months back - not banks - just the physical branch they go to due to one being torn down. On phone with them, and my mother expresses concern about their pension and SS direct deposits. The kind approach would have been to reassure her that switching branches does not impact direct deposit. But, my father is not kind. He started yelling at her how stupid she is, she understands nothing about money, she is an idiot, etc. And I said nothing. 54 years of conditioning to not contradict him kicked in and I was silent. My mother was silent. He finished his tirade and ended the call. And I was shaking with anger and my inability to stand up to him. I did not sleep at all that night. I just kept playing it over and over in my head. And I am sure if I had asked my mother the following day, she would have made excuses and defended him.
So, that will never happen again. I can’t change him, can’t change my mother defending and enabling him, but I will never go through one of his tirades again. Hang up, walk out, whatever.
Be loving and giving. You’ll be glad you were.
So glad you got a good night’s sleep! You deserve that and much more, rockvillemom.
I admit, I occasionally take some solice in the idea is donating some of my future inheritance to an organization my parents would hate. I do not say this out loud.
@rockvillemom You know your mom is a product of her generation. Women born in the 1930’s didn’t stand up for themselves too much. She herself has been abused so long that she probably doesn’t even know who she herself is anymore. I agree with @preppedparent to be compassionate with her.
I can see rebuilding a minor relationship with my mother after my father passes. But, this is the mother who never stuck up for me or defended me. She is absolutely a product of her generation. Married at 26 - she was facing being an “old maid” - living with her parents in a tiny apartment - until she met my father. I really have no idea how she feels about much of anything - she would never speak negatively of him - disloyal.
When my father stopped speaking to his suster 12 years ago - my mother did as well. Aunt had done nothing wrong - but if my father decreed he was no longer speaking to her - my mother was not allowed to do so either.
Compassion? I won’t let her be uncared for or die alone or anything like that. I just have to wait and see how this next stage unfolds.
It is painful to witness abusive people, especially those who have been so all their lives. Many of us have someone (or several people) who fit this category to varying degrees and one just has to decide how they choose to act/react. @rockvillemom, only you can choose what YOU want to do and how you prefer to interact (or not). Your choices are what works for you and no one has the right to second-guess.
No one can guess what anyone will do with regard to any inheritance–they could spend or fritter it away or use it for very expensive end-of-life care and may live another decade. They can give it all to whatever cause they choose or a friend or relative or even some caregiver.
I hope you are able to figure out what will work for YOU and YOUR nuclear family, @rockvillemom. Sounds like your S and spouse are awesome, and that’s always a great thing. I think part of it is that the aging brain has selective memory–I still remember that my brother and SIL took my folks on a cruise to Europe 2 years ago. By a few months later, dad had NO memory at all of having gone on the cruise. My brother and SisIL were understandably upset that dad didn’t remember going on the cruise.
There are a lot of people (especially women married to verbally abusive partners) who try to be peacemakers and go along at any and all cost. This is especially common for the generation of folks who are now in their 70s-90s.
@rockvillemom She can’t even defend herself. It’s not releastic to expect her to be able to defend anyone else. She’s lost all notion of self in an effort to simply survive. You probably have a dream family by comparison. At some point maybe you could forgive her lack of strength. She really does seem to have a lifetime of abuse from someone she was not able to escape for sixty years.
I advise against using the potential inheritance as the deciding factor whether to stay in contact with your parents, OP. You have little to no control over what your parents do with their money. They could say they’re giving it to you and the next day change their estate plans. Maybe they already have. I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t have contact with them; but that is the only thing within your control.
That’s a LOT of contact! You have a lot of room to dial back and get more peace in your life!
If you are not seeing a therapist, I highly recommend!
Hang in there!