I absolutely agree that women of that generation will rarely contradict their spouses, at least not to their faces. I work in customer service and had an old man and his wife sit in front of me one day. He was on oxygen and was so mad about something that his whole head turned beet red. I really thought he was going to have a stroke. He chewed me out good and she just sat there looking at me apologetically but never said a word to him.
Inheritance not deciding factor, but I do think about it. My father sits down with me twice a year to “review his financial picture”. Ostensibly this is so I can step in and manage assets after his death, since my mother is ill equipped. Really - he just likes to brag about his money. So I know exactly what they have and the current will. It’s just a factor to consider. It impacts our future plans and also having additional funds for our sons. No inheritance is guaranteed, but it has been an implicit understand that this will be my reward for “behaving”. Yes, I know that sounds very warped.
@gearmom - you are probably right. I do feel sorry for her when he berates and belittles her, but it is when she defends him and makes excuses and acts like she agrees with him that I lose any remaining feelings for her. I cannot predict what happens after his death assuming he dies first.
@musicmom1215 - yup - sounds familiar.
@rockvillemom I hope you have that time with her at the end. It seems like she had a life without choices or chances. She was probably conditioned into her current position probably from birth but also sixty years of abuse. If her spinal cord was damaged, you wouldn’t be mad she wasn’t walking. She’s been crippled in a different way. Long term Stockholm syndrome.
So ironic you mention spinal cord. My mother is hunched over in one of the worst cases I have ever seen. Shrunk from 5’1" to maybe 4’8". My sister and I truly believe she is hunched over in part from a life of verbal and emotional abuse. And neglect. The focus was always on my father’s health, never hers. And we have used the Stockholm Syndrome analogy as well. I won’t completely abandon her, but that’s about all I can commit to right now.
@rockvillemom, I definitely don’t think what you describe sounds warped. But it’s not reliable. How you can know from day to day that what you’re doing fits your dad’s definition of “good behavior worthy of receiving the inheritance”? He doesn’t sound particularly trustworthy and he sounds very fickle.
I don’t think one can accurately predict when anyone will die. Sometimes the “healthier” elder passes before the one everyone sees as frailer.
A lot of folks in that generation stick together, so it can be tough to have time with just your mom or just your dad.
I try to remember that anger is one of the main ways some elders communicate, especially when they are frustrated or confused. In many ways, it does remind me of tantrums thrown by young children when their will is thwarted. It is tough because it is so unpredictable what may set off the outburst. I know that trying to keep the person rested and trying to control the environment they go to helps some, to the extent possible.
I wish all dealing with these tough situations peace and serenity. [-O<
In a personal finance sense, it is not a good idea to make future plans dependent on an inheritance, because of things you may not be able to predict that could result in not getting it (i.e. changes in the will), the amount being much less (e.g. money used up for medical bills or something), or delayed receipt (person lives a lot longer, also consuming the money and reducing the inheritance).
The fact that it is being used to manipulate you makes it even more important to make your financial plans so that you need not care about it.
I never plan on it. I save for retirement, pay my bills in full, etc. without it. It doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be nice to have.
Exactly. I don’t depend on it - more like a lottery win. We can live without it - I just know it would make retirement easier. And yes, my parents have always used money to manipulate me. A stronger person would have turned her back on them and their games years ago. I just have never been able to stand up to them. It’s hard to explain being so controlled to someone who has not experienced it. I cannot provide a rational explanation. All I can explain is I was never allowed to question them or talk back as a child or teen. It resulted in threats. I was not allowed to express anger or any negative emotions without being belittled. My father’s retort was that I had nothing to complain about, as my needs for food and shelter were met.
I can remember two occasions in my 20s where I protested against something my mother did, and he just shut me down, telling me “that was enough” and I fell silent. I sound like my mother, don’t I? That’s a horrible realization.
All i can do now is see what happens next - do they call me? How is that conversation? I truly have no idea what to expect.
So at times your father came to your mom’s support. My grandfather held money over people as well. It’s a very harmful thing to do. As a keep the peace kind of person myself I sympathize with your position.
“I sound my mother, don’t I? That’s a horrible realization.” That’s probably affecting your relationship with her too. Is she independently difficult with you?
My father views my mother as his property - he can bash her - but no one else. He becomes livid if someone else criticizes her - it’s like they are indirectly criticizing him.
My mother is ok when I take her out. We try to stick to neutral topics and we do ok. So, assuming he dies first, there is some hope there.
@rockvillemom: I agree with those who have suggested you find a therapist. As your parents get older and their needs become greater, things are only going to become more difficult. I think you need to examine what’s happened in the past and how it’s affected you, so you are ready for whatever comes along.
I’m amazed you stayed in the same area as them. I think your sister may have made a good choice moving to the other side of the country. So you saw them Saturday, today is Wednesday. Is this an unusual length of time to go without calling?
I do feel for your mom, but I get where you are coming from. Just like you feel it’s difficult to explain why you put up with the behavior from him for so long, she probably doesn’t even have her own thoughts anymore. Plus, if she didn’t have a career, as many from that generation did not, she probably lived in fear of being turned out on the streets if she didn’t buck up and behave accordingly. I’m going to extend the grace that she did what she did - putting up with him and her silence - to keep you all with a place to live and food. The expectation of a lifelong love affair was not really a practical reality for many women. Sometimes they just got what they got when they got to an age where they “needed” to be married. While she is responsible for her choices, I extend her more grace than him.
Very unusual. We generally speak almost daily. I’m not sure if they are not speaking to me or just giving me a few days to cool of before assuming we oick up where we left off.
I often say my mother has not had an independent opinion since 1960.
Like someone above said, you have A LOT of room for backing off and finding a compromise. Most of us do not have anywhere NEAR the constant contact you have with your parents.
I returned home for a summer during college and vowed then to move out and go straight through school. I loved my parents but in their home they were the parents and I was their kid to rule. It didn’t matter how old I was. It took some time to establish an adult-adult relationship rather than parent-child.
I hope you can consider forgiving your mother without making excuses for her. She had a choice decades ago whether to let her husband abuse her children, and she chose. She owns that decision. You might eventually forgive it, but don’t have to excuse it. Other women made other choices. The immediate aftermath may have been difficult, but the long term harm was avoided.
I’m sorry your family has let you down and taken advantage of you, and commend you for raising a different kind of family, and for setting some new boundaries now.
@MomofJandL She would have been a divorced mother in the 50s or early 60s. No education? Sounds like a strong cultural influence. How many women of that time were able to have that “choice.” Who’s to say these kids would not have been homeless, living under the poverty level, socially ostracized, abused by the guy who would be willing to marry a divorced woman with little kids. Who knows what she would have to do if desperate for food for her kids 60 years ago. They didn’t have day care or any kind of support of working women but I guess she had all these “choices” she could make and now she has to live with her “decision.” Maybe she took the abuse so her family could eat and have a roof over their heads. I don’t think it is fair to judge her with a modern POV. This is a couple approaching 90.
She could have gotten alimony and child support, and gone to work. No, it would not have been easy, it would have been miserable. But people did it. It was a choice she could have made and did not. It would be unfair to pretend it would have been an easy choice, but it is equally unfair to pretend it wasn’t an option. Even then.