To anyone, does judgement of son’s/daughter’s/spouse’s parenting include positive judgements? I read this and realized on a few days’ visit to some recently, I said things like I love the way you expose little ones to a variety of experiences and foods, and you guys are doing so well caring for kids, and it’s nice kids feel so comfortable no matter which one of you does the diapering, feeding, reading. I realize now that is very judgy.
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@lb5 -I would not describe that as judgement. I think it’s great that you complimented them, especially both of them. I try to say as many positive things as I can to D and SIL because I not only remember how hard it was with young children, but I remember the negative comments I got from my MIL.
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I (the mother) used to say I was sick rather than my kids- somehow it was more accepted at work. I honestly hope things have changed, but not sure they have.
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I’ve taken a few vacation days to help with sick grands… so the parents could get some relief.
This discussion of taking care of sick kids brought up a memory. Back in the nineties, when I was applying for a new job, I got a call from one of my references. She said that the hiring manager asked her if she knew how many kids I had… because kids get sick, you know. She was shocked and told me to never ever accept any offers from that place. I ghosted that company. Yup, the “good old days.”
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SIL’s Army job is a M - F analyst/cyber security job, no travel, I imagine there is always the possibility of deployment. His enlistment this go-round was in this city for the duration. They had baby #4 3 weeks before they moved from city 100 miles from us (and where DD1 has lived since 2012 - they were married in 2017 and baby #1 in 2018). DD1 was super fortunate she was able to transfer her nurse manager job from current VA hospital to larger VA hospital and with 25% pay increase because AL doesn’t pay nurses well and her VA pay was very good for AL standards. Yes, SIL has been living above his ability ever since he married DD1, and she has been supportive of him perhaps finally getting into the correct career for him. We were stunned with baby #5, but all their children are healthy, happy, doing well. The baby girl is so easy. Yes, DD1 is the ‘secret sauce’ making it all work, but she is tired. Having the extra leave time like military in her VA job absolutely is also what helps. She moved laterally into a better/more secure VA job when her coworker retired, and she received a work accommodation to work half time remote until her Sept 2 return to FT work (she is a program manager in charge of a lot of equipment in addition to safe patient handling) so she spread her maternity leave with half time work over the last 8 weeks of it and also had a hired nanny some of the summer (the older two kids were home along with the baby). It was well planned out, and it all went well. I knew she would need the extra help in Sept, the 4 YO’s birthday was Aug 29th, so I worked out with DD1 for my visit. Then SIL worked out going to GA to help his parents get ready for move to assisted living in the state of LA.
DD1 admitted how difficult their family move was July 2023, and she had maternity leave and SIL had paternity leave – and their rental home is as perfect of a set up as can be in the space and function of the home. Their kids are remarkably healthy, although the baby either had a slight virus or combination with possibly cutting teeth - so for two days she only breast-fed (wouldn’t take breast milk from the bottle) and was up for stretches in the night for those two nights – DD1 brought me the baby the 2nd night when I told her she should have done so after the first night. The one morning she missed a good dose of sleep, she delayed going to work an hour and messaged her boss (most would have called in sick).
I/DH and I are the ‘safety net’. Once SIL transitions out of Army, the hope is that he will transition to a good position either GS or government contractor job in their city – which his ‘bridge training time’ of four weeks should help with that happening.
DD1 is the primary income by a long shot at this point, but SIL’s salary should climb. Once he is in more solid income, they can purchase a home. He is driven to be focused on his job/career, but with most couples with young children (and in their case 5 children), he has to put in the time/energy with the family needs and responsibilities.
If all works out for him in 2026 for job transition, we are looking to relocate there in 2027. They want us to come. DD1/SIL/grandkids all are glad I come (and when DH and I come).
Until then, if I need to fly in to assist, I can. We will be there again (DH and I driving) over Christmas and New Year’s to assist with childcare during older kids’ school shut down and spend joyous time with the family.
DD1 had to pull SIL into reality a lot.
I’m not quite sure what that even means. Clearly you don’t like this guy, but your D chose to marry him so there must be something she finds in him.
I think I will drop this topic.
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Not true that I don’t like SIL - in fact DD2 has told me on more than one occasion that “we welcomed him with open arms”. I met him as part of a young group while DD1 was still in college, and I could tell at that point they were in love. We were together with him/them only a few times before they married.
DD2’s BF of 6 years (he is now 28 and DD2 is now 29) is also in a career path that might work out for him (his chosen path with college degree in sports management) - but at this point DD2 lives in a different city than BF - she is in the stable career job/stable company (she can work remote but IMHO it will hurt her career to move where her company doesn’t have an office). DD2’s BF actually lived with us over two sport seasons when he was equipment manager for men’s professional soccer team in our city. DD2 and BF’s cars are actually financed by us (DH is on the title of BF’s car with BF). We told BF “We trust our DD2 with you, why would we not trust our money?”
Many young people do have trouble establishing a career path. SIL is now 35, and he is 4 years older than DD1. He has stumbled around with identifying end goal but trouble getting there - and this is while married and producing children with DD1. DD1 chose him, he chose her, and they are managing together.
The longer they are married, the more distant the influence and ideas (largely from SIL’s dad) fade. SIL is on the right course IMHO.
SIL has one brother, DD1 has one sister. They are in new territory for having 5 children, while I am the middle of 5 children and DH is one of four children. DD1 and I are Insync a lot with our thinking - and she told me she wants to raise her children like she was raised. SIL is also seeing how his brother/wife/family is managing/living.
Well, you might have to be even more of a safety net than you expect. No VA jobs are secure anymore, they are trying to cut/outsource and get rid of the VA as much as possible. That’s a huge target. SIL may end up having far better prospects on the civilian side, as government jobs are the primary target for this administration to get rid of. To quote, they want government workers to be traumatized and demoralized. There is no security in a government job any more, government workers are the enemy. They are fortunate to have you and your husband as the fiscal and hands on safety net.
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I definitely remember in the 90’s being asked in interviews if I were married, how many kids I had, and how many I was planning to have. Peeved me off then and still does now.
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My dil recently interviewed for 2 similar positions. She works in an industrial setting
The first interview, where she would be replacing a man who was retiring, she was expected to be in the plant at a ridiculously early hour. No flexibility to work at home.
The second (same position) different location. The start time was later, could work from home some.
She accepted the second position
My daughter, who doesn’t have children, is a project manager in an industrial setting. She works from home once a week.
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Both my daughters have more flexibility in their jobs than their spouses. This leads to them being the ones who miss work when the kids are sick.
My DIL is 100% work from home and my son was almost 100% until about 8 months ago. He now has meetings at the office several days a week. He also has been traveling a lot which is hard with a young child. They have a child with a health condition that prevents daycare or preschool so have a nanny.
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Once we started a family, after I had maternity leave, H took 6 weeks of vacation to work 1/2 time, where he cared for our S and brought him to my office to nurse over lunch and H would buy us lunch. H would have dinner with us when I got home from work and then he’d go to work for 4 hours.
When his leave ended, he was happy to return to work with his normal schedule & I quit work for several years until after our younger child was born and in grade school. Once that happened, I started working only flexible part time jobs. I was forever the go-to person for our kids medical & educational issues.
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My father wouldn’t have been able to take care of us. He had no idea how to take care of a healthy child, never mind a sick one.
When I was 4 and two younger brothers were 1 and a baby, my mother got the flu. She didn’t know what it was, just that she was really sick and I wa.s doing my best but couldn’t take care of two babies. She called my father to come home from work to take care of us, assuring him I’d do everything and he could just be there. I was FOUR! but he didn’t know how to take care of the babies or how to feed them or change them. Luckily, my older brother and sister came home from school in the late afternoon to help a little. They were 6 and 7.
I’m sure my father ordered a pizza for dinner. He didn’t know how to cook either.
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My H brought home a huge pile of things he’d would do in the 6 weeks he was home with our infant S—he wasn’t able to get ANY of it done and had a new appreciation of how busy & tiring life with an infant can be.
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Hopefully people can give guys - or women - as parents, credit where credit is due. No one has to win the game.
Maybe one partner excels at fixing things around the house. Or doing the yard work. Or coaching the soccer team. Or reading the bedtime story. Or playing tag out in the yard. Or making sure the bills get paid.
The division of labor to run a household and a family should not be the mental and physical load of one person - though many single parent families manage! If there are two adults involved, they should communicate before kids/household, during kids/household and many times through the process how things can be more equitable.
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Prior to H staying home with S, he and my SisIL were talking about hiring someone to help his aging mom AND watch our infant son. I was NOT in favor of that idea and didn’t think it would work at all. After H spent a short while home with S, he agreed that since I was willing and we could finagle our budget and manage (just barely), I could stay home and raise S and later D as well. We agreed it would be very tough for a person to both help his aging folks and an infant (or two).
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@HImom -good decision. I can’t imagine raising an infant and caregiving for elderly adults at the same time. Although, I imagine there are people who do that.
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There were no job losses at her VA hospital/facilities - DD1 expected a few of the managers (who had very little staff to manage) to have their positions eliminated. VA facilities are being built and maintained by contract due to cost savings over having federal employment in that process. However, her facility has been quite budget-conscious and have been filing essential positions from within as much as possible (thus DD1 moved into a job when a coworker retired, and her prior position was then not filled).
IMHO SIL will have better earning potential on the government contractor side of things.
(Edited by moderator to adhere to the forum rules).
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Agree 100% on division of labor with the household, but sometimes I have trouble getting DH to do things he is very good at (and take him minimal time) for me just because it is not his idea or he already has his ideas on what he wants to get done. While I was gone, he of course had to take out the garbage and recycling, do dishes, do laundry, but as soon as I returned all those chores again fall into my column. He just asked me to wash the bedsheets (which he did not wash in my absence).
Interesting, in the south, it is considered the man’s duty to take out the garbage - and never to take items out of a woman’s purse.
DD1 IMHO does have trouble with SIL putting the effort to do tasks at home to add to a small list. He also wants to commit to things outside of their household which she has put some brakes on so far – for example SIL was an Eagle Scout, but SIL/DD1 don’t like the changes made on scouting organization. IDK if the group is Trail Life USA, but SIL cannot IMHO do extra for their two sons and exclude their three daughters. IMHO he should ‘suck it up’ and participate with an organization that he can participate as a parent to all his children. He mentioned to me “should it not be OK for my sons to be in a group just for boys?” - and I didn’t answer him. I will talk with DD1 during my next time with her in November. She told SIL that while they are involved with soccer now, it would be crazy to add something else to their schedule.
Here is what AI Google said about new group forming - “Founded in 2013 in response to the Boy Scouts of America changing its membership policies, Trail Life USA has grown substantially and is characterized by its strong Christian emphasis, requiring its adult leaders to adhere to its Statement of Faith.”
To me, they get enough faith through their church, and the benefits of Scouting should be with their sons and daughters together.
I also am going to mention to DD1 that she needs to use this dialog “How many of the males have a wife working FT and they have five children, and what is going on for their daughters?” IMHO SIL cannot short-change his DDs. SIL grew up with one brother and no sisters - he needs to think about equal opportunities for his DDs.
I know my DD1 took along GS1 on a trip with us for her grandparents’ memorial weekend family time because of a safety concern leaving him with SIL. SIL took care of GD1 (who was old enough to manage pretty easily).
SIL did manage 3 children when DD1 took a long weekend for GS1’s Disney experience with DD2. DD2 offers a day at Disney once the niece/nephew is potty-trained. They need to figure out GS2’s time (he is now 4 and is ready any time) - it might be during the time the family is in Tampa for a week in November, time will tell.