I reluctantly became a SAHM when DH had a lot of international and national travel - no family here and I stopped out of my career for 18 years (and also included in that time was aggressive stage III cancer and other medical issues). DH’s salary and career looked fairly good at that time, but then his company was sold and his salary pretty much froze for a lot of years, and the company moved forward w/o their pension plan. I was fortunate to receive inheritance at a financially precarious time for us. I was also able to re-enter work force at the right time with my retained RN credentials - but it wasn’t easy and it was a far cry from the career job I had - being administrator and CFO of a specialty board certified physician group. Fortunately we had very solid financial investments that I managed well and also added a very good financial person to help us diversify our holdings later. We raised our DDs well and they had very good opportunities and no college debt.
The problem is not only SIL’s career not totally moving forward, but that he is not an equal partner with the household duties. His mom was SAHM and due to dad’s career/job moves she was limited in fulfilling herself outside the home (she was HS Valedictorian) - she had 3 years of accounting college education along the way but not able to go to college right away due to not affordable option nearby and she needed to work to help support the household; married around age 33/34 (her dad was insensitive about her leaving the home at all - her BF now DH had to sort of wrestle her away) always felt a greater responsibility to aging parents than younger siblings who were able to leave the roost and pursue their dreams because she was staying to help the aging parents - so she was a bit of a martyr both with her parents and with her H/sons. W/O some income from her along the way, they moved forward with the sons’ college the way her DH had.
SIL badly needs braces which parents were not able to do for him. If DD/SIL knew they were staying in current city for a duration of braces, they would budget and do (it will affect his health later on, the teeth need the braces). But not now with baby #3. DD’s dental plan would pay some for braces.
SIL acts a bit like he is the bread winner/head of household and reluctantly does household chores. Immature.
DD had fantasies about being SAHM, home schooling, etc. But his salary can barely pay the rent.
Both DD and SIL have some realities going on that they are not dealing with very well on an emotional level. But they will get their act together in the transition just as they did with surprise baby #2. DD is great on budgeting. She is the one doing almost all of the heavy lifting. SIL is good with the kids, but SLOW - everything takes a long time. In some ways that keeps him doing less and the expectation level low on what he can accomplish at home.
So they will struggle a bit and hopefully DD will slowly readjust her thinking about her career staying intact and working out the details of 2 in day care and one in Montessori when her maternity leave is complete. The oldest will start Montessori perhaps in a few months. DD has a M - F job where she has a private office to be able to pump breast milk as she did with baby #2. If her budget is tight, at the time we will offer to supplement Montessori (giving the money directly to her as gift) to help them move forward. DD keeps getting step increases in pay.
SIL in some ways has shot himself in the foot on his career. Sometimes he thinks he is smarter than others and he has an attitude about how to go about his career goals. One can do that as a single person just caring for himself, but not as a family man with wife and 3 children.
But they love each other, they have beautiful children, and it will all work out. Fortunately we are near and can help them through some financial bumps w/o being enablers, controlling. I will walk on egg shells for both short term and long term family well being.
It is not surprising D1 found someone who may be a bit like her dad. D1 knows what she has signed up for. I will be there to support her no matter what. I think we all choose our own path and it is hard to figure out what the future will bring. Meanwhile, enjoy all of your grandchildren. It is a blessing.