The Grandparent Thread

Separate grandparent issue and still pondering the best way to think about this: When older s and his wife had their first child, there was a baby shower held out where they live and DIL’s mom and I went in on the cost of an item she wanted (a rocker and footstool). Her parents wanted to buy the crib, so we bought the car seat (they were getting a hand-me down stroller). So fast forward to DS#2 and his now 4 mo pregnant wife. I want to buy them a nice shower and baby gift (if there is a shower— one of her sisters now lives nearby so maybe will organize one?) Anyway, it would be a nice thought to again either go in together with the other “grandma” for the shower and/or baby gift, but she is not in a strong financial situation and I don’t want it to be awkward. We are more than happy to pay more than half, but she may not want to do that as it might be uncomfortable, and we also don’t want to overshadow or outdo the mother of the mom to be (its her first grandchild, our 3rd). Also, older son is still using the crib, changing table, etc with their 8 mo old, so can’t do hand me downs. Also, we plan to be out there (they live across country) for second grandchild’s first birthday in Feb, which is a few weeks before other son’s baby is due. If her sister plans to do a shower, would it be tack to let her know when we will be out there for the birthday party (one we find out) so we don’t have to make 2 cross country trips too close together (never mind we probably will again when when the baby is born and they tell us its ok to come out to see him). I really want to handle all this diplomatically and delicately. Help.

I would let the sister know you will be out in February and if she is planning a shower it would be great if possible to do it at that time. Would your other DIL offer to cohost? That way she could suggest a date when you will be out.

The gift is more complicated. One option might be to ask her if she wants to share a gift and let her daughter suggest an item. Her daughter might be more likely to know what price point she wants to be at. Maybe save the more expensive gift to give privately.


Honestly, I wouldn’t try to share a gift with the other G-mom. I do think it is great to get other DIL involved, to help set a date. I would be upset if the shower took place the week before or after I left. That would feel like a snub. Even so, I would give what I felt like giving, regardless of MO or sister of DIL. (Do I sound harsh?)

1 Like

jym626 ~ SIL’s mom buys the expensive gifts (think Pottery Barn) and it really doesn’t bother me in the least. She has plenty of money and that is her thing. I buy lots of books and all the toys with wheels. I think you should feel comfortable gifting what you want without any worry about a combined gift.

And yes, do let them know when you’ll be in town. That might get them thinking about hosting the shower for the new baby.

D received her third dose (booster) last week and SIL will get his Friday. They are both 8+ months past the second dose.

@bookworm that doesn’t sound harsh at all. But what I would like to avoid is buying an expensive item (the crib/changing table, etc) if it might look like it was “outdoing” (for lack of a better word) the maternal grandma. Maternal grandparents are divorced and there is a strained relationship with the maternal grandfather. Not sure what he plans to do.

So a message just popped up in my LinkedIn to congratulate DIL’s sister for her new job, so I sent her a congrats message and she just responded. I guess I could ask her if she is planning, or knows if there are plans for a shower. (I’d text her not do it through linked in). Thoughts?


Most definitely, and tell her the dates, and how you would love to be at the shower. Do you wish to contribute to it, like with flowers?

I don’t think gifts are always the monetary sum. My sister knew I was using a Paddington Bear, blue & white theme. She made a bed skirt, drapes, several flannel sheets, etc. I’m not as crafty (by far), but I always found a way to contribute to a baby or their room.

Talk to your son. Travel. What to do with baby gift. He may have insight on his MIL but he might also talk with his wife and let you know how to handle these particulars. About any upcoming showers and planning. Maybe a cash gift separately to not ‘overshadow’ but also give to this son what you have done for his brother/family.

Thanks. Actually had a chat with DIL’s mom just to catch up, grandma to grandma, and the optic of a shower came up. It may be in DIL’s hometown, and I hope to be able to attend, depending on when it is (and travel in the winter). Its also possible DIL’s sibs with mom might get some of the big stuff. Dunno. But for now I’ll just let them know we want to get one of the things they need (crib? stroller? Car seat? changing table?) and they can let us know.


DIL had her OB visit yesterday. They did not recommend a booster (she had Moderna, not Pfizer, in February) but she (and SD#2) got flu shots.


I think the Moderna boosters are going to be a half dose, and those aren’t available yet. OBs around here are recommending the booster to Pfizer pregnant people. DD just got her flu shot and is planning to get her Pfizer booster in a few weeks. She just hit 24 weeks and viability, which is a nice milestone to pass.


So GD#2 was born almost 2 weeks ago. I went for the first week, and things are going well.

With GD#1, I was the maid while S and DIL took care of all her needs. With GD#2, while they love and cherish her immensely, I’m the newborn nanny and playmate of GD1, while they take advantage of sleeping and recovering from a c-section, running errands, some house projects. The novelty isn’t quite the same this time around…….just means lots of grandma time for me!


So sweet, @dentmom4! Grandma time is the best!


Thank you for posting this and doing comparisons. Very helpful as our situation is almost identical. Helpful to see another in the same situation and how you are handling it.

My oldest son’s second daughter will be born in Nov. GD#1 will be three Nov. 11th. They are already saying "we have everything and more than we need, clothes are seasonal appropriate hand me downs, etc. Makes me feel sad as this little angel deserves to be special and adored and awaited like any. I already have bought a few things. I just don’t know what one special thing I can get her. Like, I got a great cat clothes hamper from Pottery Barn for GD#1. I need to ask them, I guess. Maybe one for baby, too.


Maybe a chair with her name on it?

I’m a second daughter (and third child). I never minded hand me down money.


Well, heck, I have three sons and I was proud to save money with hand me down nearly everything. LOL. They didn’t care. It’s me who wants to make sure she will always feel special. And she will be.

1 Like

Right? My D is in a hand-me-down cycle with a bunch of friends (they send packages all over the country), plus she’s a huge fan of Curb Alerts for free stuff. Both the kids get all kind of cute stuff and no one minds what’s been worn before.

Generally, i tend to ask what’s needed, which might be fun stuff, but more often it’s boring, but helpful stuff. I get creative mostly at birthdays and Christmas, but even then it may be getting a pricey thing they have picked out like a scooter. And that’s okay.

I do get the wanting to buy all the cute things, though! :smiley:

1 Like

You can also buy the matching outfits, but that means the 3 year old is also getting something new. Still, you get the cute pictures…


DD doesn’t have time to shop certain stores. I have a Kohl’s close by, have their CC, and get lots of rewards. I bring stuff to DD and she decides if she wants to keep or not. GS1 always can use pajamas - they don’t launder stuff often so needs more than other families; now they have another boy so will surely use the stuff. I got boy Sketcher various size machine washable shoes from our Sketcher outlet (still pay a price) and she was happy with those. DD gets girl shoes from her cousin who has two daughters - one is 2 years older than GD - however I did talk to her on the phone with some cute gray short boots (Blowfish) that DD loved for GD and they fit her perfectly which I got from DSW when I was there for something for me. At Kohl’s, I had 30% off and $15 in free money to spend, and earned $10 Kohl’s cash. The only thing I bought for myself was some new athletic socks for my regular vigorous walk/jogs now that I am retired and am on exercise/eat right/lose weight/get healthy.