My heart goes out to this family and I think none of us who have students in BS would ever want to get this call. It’ll be a challenge but one that can be overcome for sure. Right now, I want to address “the ounce of prevention” (worth a pound of cure.)
Families who have students in BS should try to have many heart to hearts with their kids before and along the way. For me, I point blank told my 2 students “Don’t do anything to embarrass yourself or your parents.” Ever. But importantly during this opportunity. I went on to let my students know we are not a rich family and have had to make multiple sacrifices to make the opportunity a reality. I worked 2 jobs and my all my husband’s overtime and bonuses went toward their education. I let them know we didn’t want to get such a call asking us to withdraw. This kind of admonition I do think can be helpful if done in a supportive way, and during a time of quiet (such as driving) when they could be listening.
Now, of course nothing is foolproof. There are no guarantees or 100% safeguards, but I do think this talk is something every boarding school parent should have with a child, and I do think it can make a difference.
@Garandman, I am really sorry for this situation. I don’t have useful insight or advice to contribute, but wanted to express my sympathy and hope that you will see a light at the end of this tunnel, sooner rather than later.
A day before school was out, I got a call from a sobbing kid who was so distressed she couldn’t speak. While I was trying to understand what she was saying, my first thought was, “Oh no, did she get in trouble?” I could feel the panic as my mind raced through school options back home. Fortunately, it was just a dorm assignment drama (whew!). I simply can’t imagine what parents - and kids - go through when they end up in a situation where they are asked to leave. All my best to you!
MODERATOR’S NOTE:
One can say “crap” here. Symbols violate Terms of Service, but there is always a euphemism that can be used instead.
I have to admit that every time I read “BS” here, boarding school is not the first abbreviation I think of…
I’m really sorry about that, @skieurope. Thanks for letting me know.
Just to put the BS Head comment ( above ) in context- He had a son who had just graduated from the college K2 was going to and he had received several calls.
Academic probation letters Fresh/sophomore year , administration calls … campus police calls… One memorable CP call came in at 3 am. I think he and his wife were in a competition to recall EVERYTHING that happened! Seemed to me like their son finally got his act together and after enough time passed he ( and his wife ) could share, laugh a little , and send a cold chill up the spine of a future parent! That’s the spirit! Really great school… but it can get a little wild, or so I’ve been told.
This parenting thing is for the birds… I just needed to say that out loud.
Anyway- hope all goes well for OP. I think everyone understands and hearts go out to you.
I just want to clarify, that to my knowledge, The Hill School does not have rolling admissions. Its deadline is in January. That’s not to say they won’t consider an application at this late date, outside the cycle.
Sorry to hear about your situation. My son attends a TSAO school and I’ve heard of similar cases where students are asked to withdraw. This avoids the school having to admit that the kid was expelled. This may seem like a technicality but it will help once she applies to college.
But just know that if you decide to apply elsewhere the new school will probably pick up the phone and call. So I agree with your choice of being brutally honest.
There are many non TSAO boarding schools that are still taking applications. Suggest that she apply as a repeat 11th grader. Best of luck.
“Suggest that she apply as a repeat 11th grader.”
Applying as a repeat 11th grader has lots of benefits. But, one thing I would be concerned about, without knowing the exact reasons the school asked you to withdraw your child, is that if a student is already bristling with and fighting against the rules and regulations of boarding school, that could just feel even more overbearing as one ages. What is normally acceptable for a 14, 15 year old, starts to really chafe for many students once they reach 17, 18. Most schools loosen the reins a bit as students age but not by much. Based on observations I’ve seen, the BS structure can get very tiresome for 18,19 year olds. Just something to think about and weigh vs. the benefits of having two years at a new school instead of coming in as a senior. Another thing that might be beneficial to discuss with someone with experience in this realm.
Where we are right now: we’ve told her she’s going to have to prove she is mature enough to go back to a boarding school, otherwise, Boston-area day school. That definitely registered.
Still considering the option of repeating 11th grade. She tended to hang around with Seniors (I’m hesitant to use the word “mature” given how dumb the stuff she did was) and is concerned she may not fit in. But that depends upon the student body. A factor there is that any campus visits will be sans students so getting a feel for them over the summer will be more difficult. She’s visited any number of schools for athletics, not sure you get a feel for a place by competing against them. She is reaching out to friends at schools of interest.
The disciplinary events revolved around dating a boy and aftermath. While those directly involved decided on expulsion, other faculty members have come forward to say they did not concur and are happy to support her with references.
Spoke to one teacher who has a kid the same age. She said, “Pick up the phone, start calling schools, and see who has spots open.” So that’s where we will start next week. I’m the brutally honest type, but no sense pouring out her story if there’s no chance.
I suspect this will drag on into August, when schools start asking for earnest money and decisions solidify. Ironically I told her when she was applying, “If you want to go to HYPS, stay at BLS.” But she’s still a nerd at heart and welcomed the academic challenge which you can’t get with an average class size of 23-25.
If she learned something from the experience, it was well worth it. Difficult and stressful, but worth it in the end. Good Luck.
Sorry, not really, if this offends anybody but soul crushing? Really? Who is the person you are worried about? Your reputation or your kid? Embarrassing to pack up your kid mid semester?
@cottontales, I had the same reaction. Suicide and cancer and divorce and long-term unemployment and many other terrible things in life are “soul crushing.” A kid being forced to withdraw from boarding school? Not so much. A little perspective is in order, including what should be the main focus–what truly counts is if the daughter learns a lesson and matures from the experience.
Before I reply to someone, I usually take the time to read their replies and threads first. In fairness, I did @CottonTales and @TTdd16 and I’ll pass.
With the reason you gave above in regards to what got her into this situation, have you considered an all girls school at all? One of the many things my daughter enjoys about her all girls school is the lack of drama surrounding boys! It is such a different environment without that added drama!
MODERATOR’S NOTE:
While certainly not a violation of Terms of Service not to read through a thread before commenting, it certainly helps to do so before responding. The OP did not use that term, so the entire post is really meaningless. Whether you agree with the response (and choice of words) or not, the user who responded was showing empathy. It would be nice if all users did the same, or at the very least, were civil.
@CottonTales & @TTdd, having to leave one’s BS can be traumatic. For these kids boarding school has been home, and not only does being expelled or forced to withdraw entail realigning one’s expectations, but it involves the loss of one’s school friends. It’s embarrassing, it’s disruptive, it’s disconcerting, it’s shaming.
Picture yourself getting arrested for drunk driving and being fired as a result. It doesn’t mean your life is over but it will change it, at least in the short term.
The idea that a Boston area day school is a “threat” just doesn’t make sense. My kid would be home under my roof with my rules if they blew their expensive BS opportunity. Okay if you are worried about safety at the public HS – although with a 50% rate attending college, she should be fine. The die is mostly cast for college admissions at this point anyway. But if you have a safety concern there, then I’d tell her it is day school and stop contorting to get her into BS.
This may not be a consideration at all, but I wonder about the optics of moving from an elite BS to another elite BS or day school. Is it possible that college admissions officers would prefer the realness of a kid who was separated from her BS and entered the “real world” of her local public school and then wrote an essay about what she had learned from her mistake and her loss? It seems like the lesson of humility that goes with going to the districted school is pretty compelling and the moving to another elite school suggests that parents are shielding their child from natural consequences.
I’m not at all trying to insult the OP. I ask because ~ 20 years ago my husband’s cousin was kicked out of the BS her father had gone to and came home to the not-so-great-public HS and worked at Subway as a “sandwich artist.” This was before I had kids and I remembered thinking that her parents ran a pretty tight ship and I admired it.
Just a thought.
OP, I’m sorry for what you all are going through.
ETA: How is doing 5 years of HS looked at by selective colleges?
Public school and a job are great ideas – she will survive and hopefully come out all the stronger for it.
No need to worry about optics because students switch BSs all the time for different reasons and if OP’s child has a successful experience at BS #2… what happened at BS #1 is moot. Not even a bleep- and not all life experiences make great college essay topics either.
How does transitioning from a BS to a public school make a kid real? How is public school the real world?