We have only provided the minimum detail of events necessary for meaningful feedback. The title of the thread mentions, “Impossible” because for the first 16 years of her life this kid didn’t have so much as Detention. If you are getting ready to celebrate your child’s 17th birthday, get ready for some “Adventures in Development.”
The advice to hire a consultant has proven to be the most useful of suggestions. Didn’t even know they existed. She’s had several interviews with more scheduled so I think this thread has served its’ purpose from our perspective, and would like to thank you all for your input and concern.
One interesting question is whether schools she had applied to previously would have been more or less likely to consider her under these circumstances. We don’t know because, for several reasons, she only applied to the one school.
Looking through threads here, I see parents or kids who are applying to most of the Eight Schools Association*, or the Ten Schools - and nowhere else. From our recent experience, this is not the best strategy. Small and mid-sized schools seem much more attentive to individual students; are more willing and able to tailor their academic programs to your kid’s needs and interests; and the campuses range from 12 to hundreds of acres. Spending 50-70 minutes a day walking back and forth across campus or taking bus rides has little educational value.
The big schools definitely do not have the sway with the Ivies that used to be the case. There has long been evidence that the Ivies are “capping” the number of acceptances from those schools: some are candid about this in the college counseling process, some not. So you are literally competing, not only with applicants from around the world, but also with your own classmates. That cannot happen at a small school.
Having visited a number of schools in the region over the last few years (some with younger siblings), they’ve ALL impressed us. Even some of the “upstarts” that are “only” 100 years old! Get off the “prestige” bus and let the school that will love your kid find your kid! Put another way, if the schools are looking for diversity, so should you!
The 8 Schools includes Choate Rosemary Hall, Deerfield Academy, The Hotchkiss School, The Lawrenceville School, Northfield Mount Hermon School, Phillips Academy Andover, Phillips Exeter Academy, St. Paul's School. Not sure what the org itself does. Maybe it's a cartel? (Kidding!)
My girls belonged to an elite gymnastics team before boarding school. At most competitions, the girls who were ranked 1, 2 and 3 in the all around all came from our team. Agree with @Garandman in elite boarding school competition to admission to elite colleges including the ivy’s, one is often competing against one’s own classmates. That’s the general rule.
I do agree that there is competition to an extent among one’s peers however the size of the school isn’t a factor, IMO. Harvard is going to take more kids from a school with 1000 students than one with 200.
Not certain how this became relevant to the thread, however. Just a vent?
Long post, but I’ve been following this long thread.
The issues “revolved around dating a boy?” I get the part about multiple infractions, but this just isn’t the showstopper to top admissions that bullying, stealing, destruction, alcoholism, etc, can be (the much bigger character flaws.) Of course, you have to line up all your ducks very well. (More than good stats, clubs, sports and the BS de rigeur comm service.)
But wth all the focus here on getting a new BS or day prep spot, I do wonder how much this gal really understands her choices. It’s not enough to say she’s remorseful, if she isn’t showing the changes, the turnaround. I’m curious what the evidence is that she’s grown, changed. What’s she doing this summer? Is it something beyond hanging, looking for a new school, taking a course or sports camp?
And, is sending this gal away from family really the best choice for her, in life terms? Can in loco parentis put her on the right track? Or should this particular child be closer to her own parents, receive the benefits of that influence, care, and guidance? For our kids, this is much bigger than what tier of college.
I don’t think she needs homeschooling, that’s radical. Nor do I think she needs to be plopped into some underperforming public.
I really feel for @Garandman family and daughter. These schools can very unforgiving places in so many ways. We have seen several expulsions just this year (all boys) for infractions which in large part I really don’t agree with and I am very strict with my own kids and expect the same from the schools but the expulsions we have seen seem to be things that are morally ambiguous as opposed to illegal or dangerous. Now PEA for example seems to have taken the wrong tack with regard to interaction between boys and girls. I.e boys are always guilty and girls are never guilty. I say all this not to go off track but I find it extremely odd that a female was expelled for a dating thing. If there was no sexual misconduct then they should both be punished or expelled.
I’ve seen more than a dozen expulsions over the many years, and in every single case, the student’s classmates weren’t at all surprised but the kid’s parents were always shocked. Often dozens or even literally hundreds of people have known about problematic behavior but it seems the kid’s parents are always the very last to know. I can understand it-it is hard to get an objective perspective on offspring, and other parents aren’t going to share bad news relayed to them by their own kids. Not sure how to fix it but is seems a ubiquitous problem.
@roycroftmom Your comments seem extremely generalized i.e “literally hundreds.” If an independent observer looks at expulsions that have nothing to do with cheating, drugs, alcohol, or sexual assault --which all merit expulsion–then what is left are actions that are adjudicated subjectively. A very common circumstance of the modern era is underage sexual activity and/or internet sex/sexting incidents. Since “literally 100s” of kids do this everyday and many expulsions are predicated around this kind of behavior and only the kids that are caught get in trouble then I think it is fair to say that these kids are not outliers. Did you know that the disciplinary committees at these schools do not have psychologists, lawyers or other experts on the committees–they are usually simply faculty.
Friend’s daughter ended up in same position years ago. Strong student. Passed GED. Did gap year in programs involving marine biology. Got into Scripps, became a marine biologist. Take learnings from this, let it go, move on. Good luck
Funny how folks like to give unasked for advice. I remember OP posting and soliciting opinions on the next steps after being asked to withdraw student (not expulsion - and yes there actually is a difference). I don’t remember OP asking for advice on how to parent their child or for judgment on their child.
I have no doubt my own two kids engaged in behavior during BS that would have resulted in disciplinary action - not expulsion - if caught. Having attended BS myself, I did as well, along with the majority of students I knew. Things haven’t changed much in 30+ years, except for even more rules and stricter expectations. Teenagers like to test limits. That hasn’t changed either.
“Did you know that the disciplinary committees at these schools do not have psychologists, lawyers or other experts on the committees–they are usually simply faculty.”
A huge advantage to using faculty is that they know these kids, in all aspects. Most are looking to give the benefit of the doubt in many circumstances and will draw upon positive interactions they have with a student while a discipline hearing is being held. What isn’t viewed well, however, is lying and/or repeated infractions. Also, many schools (all?) have psychologists/therapists on staff and anything pertinent from them is weighed and factored into the decision.
@doschicos …“psychologists/therapists on staff and anything pertinent from them is weighed and factored into the decision” This incorrect: in fact it is prohibited …A huge disadvantage to not having experts in psychology, lawyers etc is that biases and judgments are brought to bear. There is the teen brain; girls verses boys maturity and so on. The majority of expulsions are boys.
Let’s face it, teenagers engage in a lot of rule testing, bending, and breaking, whether they’re at home or at boarding school. At one of my kids’ boarding school on a day just before graduation, as a kind of prank each member of the senior class got a plain white t-shirt, on which they wrote a school rule they’d personally broken over their time at the school. Then they all switched shirts so no one had their own infraction and wore them at school. Let’s just say no one was left without a shirt.
MODERATOR’S NOTE:
The OP seems to be satisfied with options presented so I don’t believe there is anything new left to say and the thread has turned into somewhat-related or totally unrelated anecdotes. If the OP has something to add/clarify, he can PM me and I’ll reopen. Until then, closing thread.
MODERATOR’S NOTE:
The OP has asked me to post the following:
Lessons Learned:
Boarding school disciplinary rules are often arcane, unevenly applied, and can impact college acceptance. Not many students or parents ever read these rule books, which can be 50-100 pages. Yet consequences of not knowing the rules can put even a good student on a path to expulsion.
If you are applying after the normal admissions cycle, you must move quickly. Most schools will have some attrition during the summer months, but you are in competition with their existing waiting list and other late applications.
You will need school transcript and teacher references from the school you just departed, so don't burn any bridges. It may be the first time you've been sent on your way, but faculty have seen many students depart: and may not agree with the decision, privately or publicly.
Expect any school willing to interview your child to understand that kids make mistakes. They will want your child to accept responsibility for what happened, and have learned from it. One admissions officer said it most succinctly: "We have rules. If you come here, will you follow our rules?"
Speak to the previous school about what they will disclose. You are going to have to explain what happened even if their policy is to disclose nothing, but you may have to explain their disciplinary process to a school that handles student life much differently.
We got nowhere until we hired a consultant, Our first interview arranged by the consultant was at a school that told us a week or two prior they had no openings.
Pertinent to 3., 5. and 6. do not be surprised that schools you are applying to may reach out "unofficially" to people at the old school. The consultant definitely will.
We were extremely lucky to have found a great school - for a much chastened and determined kid. Hope you never have to go through this: but it’s just another of life’s challenges (a trivial one from the perspective of most high school parents) and you’ll get through it.
SkiEurope reopened this thread at my request so we could provide a final update. We especially appreciate her moderation efforts to keep this thread on track. Thank you.
Our biggest concern through all of this was that having Probation on her record would negatively impact college acceptances. Well, colleges don’t seem to care much about a Parietal violation at a boarding school, so the net result on college acceptance was close to nil. She was accepted early action to her first choice, and also offered merit scholarships at two other schools. I encourage you all to read “The Gatekeepers” which offers a case study of how such experiences can actually help applicants set themselves apart as they write about lessons learned.
This community proved very valuable in figuring out what to do. While some jumped to conclusions, most took the time to understand the facts and offer practical advice. For this we are grateful and wish to thank you for your consideration.
We would also like to thank McMillan Education, who made all the difference in a happy outcome. They took the time to get to know our daughter, her goals and aspirations, and worked hard to find schools that were a good fit. We will continue to work with them with kids #2 and 3.
We would like to thank the Admissions Directors at Brooks School and Buckingham Brown & Nichols. Although they did not have openings or did not take students into higher grades, respectively, they listened to our situation and offered some practical advice, just to be nice. We appreciated it. An Admissions Officer at Dexter Southfield came back from vacation on the Cape to speak with her, and the Admissions Director and Lacrosse Coach at Thayer Academy also made time for her. The Dean of Students at Williston also took a special interest in our daughter, and left a very favorable impression of a school that is going places.
We would like to thank the Admissions Director at Governor's Academy for explaining the practical implications of applying to a boarding school very late in the cycle. Every school has a business plan, with a certain number of admitted students, and financial aid and revenue targets.But in some case the school has a small number of spots that they use to balance out a class or fulfill a want. There are also students that have to withdraw at a late date for any number of reasons. So sometimes you get a chance.
Finally, the silver lining in all of this was being able to attend Tabor Academy. From our first contact with the school, the people there made her feel valued. They got to know her and guide her in a way her prior school never did. They inspired her and challenged her, without stressing her out. Having a dorm room overlooking Sippican Bay certainly helped! She was able to take a number of advanced math, science, and engineering courses with the confidence that the teachers would teach her. She also got to write a college-level independent paper, played three sports, and spent last Sunday on Tabor Boy, sailing around Buzzards Bay with her whole class. We couldn't be happier with the school.
There is one funny anecdote I’d like to share. We have friends who can be fairly described as “Boston Brahmins.” living a rarified life on Beacon Hill. Our daughter met the Grand Dame of the family, who in passing, asked her where she went to school." “I’m not sure,” she replied, “I just got kicked out of boarding school.”
To which this formal and imposing woman smiled, and replied, “Only one?”
Love the response by the Grand Dame. People with true class can be honest and seek to make others feel better. She definitely got that right.
Glad your daughter got the chance for a do over and that she flourished. Our D graduated from a BS and there were instances of abrupt dismissals. Not done to be punitive but done to maintain a level of behavior expectation. The abrupt dismissals could be fore offenses considered commonplace and not hugely reprehensible if the child was at home. But a BS acts in place ofparents and they do have the burden of maintaining order in their community. Otherwise, everyone will test boundaries if any are given grace. Tough, but understandable. Glad that you found the support to get a positive do over lined up. I expect your daughter has grown immeasurably as a result. Best of luck all around.
