So happy the consultant has some “pearls.” Please share what you can. thanks!
Earlier upthread @Garandman you mention that this issue would be moot if you lived elsewhere so that’s why I had suggested the suburbs.
“If we lived in an affluent suburb with a strong HS, there would be no thread…”
You’re welcome @Garandman it was my pleasure thinking about your problem and contributing a response.
We appreciate the thought.
We’re still trying for a local day school. If that doesn’t work out, we are investigating boarding schools where the faculty and dorm advisors are closer to and more accountable for their students.
Just a thought, but is your daughter in therapy to understand her self destructive behavior? This young woman is or very shortly will be an adult and it would seem the appropriate focus of accountability is on her not the faculty or dorm advisors. If she can’t moderate her behavior to within stated rules she will have trouble in college as well.
@roycroftmom, I am an old person and still makes mistakes; what I have seen through posting that this girl is remorseful; she will learn from this mistake, it happened which is sad, hopefully she will come out as a better human being, America is one country that provided second opportunity
I agree nynycasino, we all make mistakes and can learn from them. Therapists can be very helpful in identifying patterns of mistakes and underlying reasons for these patterns and can help in moving forward. I am happy the woman is getting a second chance and encourage the family to make the most of it by identifying what went wrong the first time so it doesn’t happen again. More accountable faculty aren’t really the problem.
" If she can’t moderate her behavior to within stated rules she will have trouble in college as well."
Without knowing the circumstances of the infraction (which we don’t and it was obviously not so severe whereby the student was not kicked out but asked to leave), who knows if therapy is warranted or not? Just seems a leap to me to make that assumption. As we’ve discussed on other threads, it doesn’t take much to warrant a separation from a private school sometimes. And many of us and/or our kids have done rule breaking behavior and just never been caught - and have gone on to have productive college experiences. Teens are teens, not robots. Mistakes are made and learned from.
^Exactly. How many parents of public school kids put their children in therapy for breaking curfew or drinking at a party? These are the kinds of things that can get you asked to leave a prep school.
Clearly if this kid has a pattern of rule breaking or is habitually engaging in dangerous or destructive behaviors it would warrant an assessment, but we have no evidence this is the case from what the OP has written.
Therapy isn’t a punishment. at all. It can be a wonderful tool to better understand one’s motivations, behavior, and prompt self-discovery and growth. I’m surprised that parents would view it so negatively; that seems so old-fashioned. None of us know why this student was required to leave school, but clearly she (and her parents) understood that the behavior in which she was engaging might have that result. Perhaps the risk was worth it to her, perhaps she didn’t accurately assess her risk of getting caught, or whatever, but it is in her long-term interests to accurately understand the potential consequences of her behavior and evaluate, maturely, whether she is willing to accept certain risks and act upon them accordingly. It may very well be that she is, and that is fine, but that should be a considered decision, particularly as one gets to be an adult and the consequences can be more far-reaching
I’m quite certain some public school parents seek therapy for their drinking children and some don’t, but in either event, they are likely aware that there are not public school consequences for drinking off-campus, and thus don’t assess the risk as very high. That may be accurate for them in their circumstances; perhaps it isn’t so in these circumstances.
@roycroftmom So if your college freshman gets caught by his RA this fall with beer in his room (breaking the rules)- say twice- you are going to send him for therapy because there must be some issue with him understanding the consequences of his behavior?
Depends on the consequences, right? I assume most colleges have minor consequences for that. If for some reason he is at a college that has huge consequences for It, then yes we better have therapy to understand why he took such a risk with my money and his future. I happen to live in a state that has draconian consequences for drug possession. I don’t happen to agree with them, but that’s not relevant. If the kid wants to use recreational drugs, move to Colorado; if you remain here, be aware of the risk involved and act accordingly.
@roycroftmom, I may have this case mixed up with another, but I think it may have been mentioned up thread that the infraction was sexual contact prohibited by school rules. Love? Hormones?
I think the suggestion is well-meant but probably not in this context if the recollection of the infraction is correct.
The OP stated earlier:
I doubt therapy is warranted. Well, maybe hormone therapy. 
“If she can’t moderate her behavior to within stated rules she will have trouble in college as well.”
I haven’t noticed many colleges with rules for students more restrictive than boarding schools. If you take a look at the Parents forum on this site, you can find threads on which parents are complaining about massive misbehavior, usually by their children’s roommates, with little consequence from the colleges.
The trouble in colleges, I think refers to life rules, not necessarily dorm or college rules. For instance, behavior like dysregulated binge drinking that leads to poor judgement and putting herself at risk for harm, staying out too late and again risking life and limb unnecessarily and the like.
The OP said it was a series of offenses that led to the final decision. If you are caught, repeatedly, and warned repeatedly, but nonetheless continue your activities, well, I would ask a therapist what’s going on. All kids have hormones. Not all are expelled.
As a teenager, let me say that what the OP’s child did definitely isn’t cause for therapy IMO. Sorry parents, but until your kid’s brain is fully developed they’re still going to have trouble considering future consequences and learning from their mistakes: teenagers’ brains are pretty messed up at this point. So messed up that we crave risk and danger??!!
@roycroftmom I don’t think that the OP’s kid needs therapy because it’s clear that teenagers aren’t nearly as logical ot in their decision making as adults. They just do things that don’t make sense-it’s not like the OP’s kid was thinking “Oh I’m going to repeatedly do these actions even though it could potentially mess up something that my family has worked very hard for and woooo lets just risk it all”. It was probably more along the lines of “Let me do this fun yet risky thing because I want to and as a teenager I have trouble considering consequences”.
Not that the OP’s kid doesnt deserve consequences (they do), but let’s not paint a picture of a mentally unstable, self-destructive, teen.
Agree that kids and adults alike make stupid mistakes and deserve second chances. Doesn’t mean you need therapy.
Sure, therapy can be helpful in certain circumstances but I also think it needs consideration in the current political climate. In addition to financial costs of seeking therapy, each family should weigh the potential for a pull-back of pre-existing condition protections afforded currently by ACA.