Part of this is regional but also the way a particular family tends to relate in terms of gift giving. Gift giving between the siblings in our family that have children (H has two siblings with 2 kids each-so not tons of cousins ) has always been pretty modest and not extravagant (and everybody makes decent money but is just not into big spending on things like birthdays or weddings ). That is just the tone that seemed to be set early on and that certainly works for me.
Re: cover the plate. A former coworker was worried he wouldn’t have enough for the reception dinner. His friend and a coworker told him not to worry. Charge what he had to charge and he would get enough cash wedding gifts to cover. That really is cover the plate. We gave him a hundred dollar bill I was keeping for a “good cause”. He didn’t register and cash just made life easier for all. I did give it to him a week or so before the wedding didn’t want cash to get lost.
Twenty or so years ago a coworker got married and someone stole the cash box our coworker table presented to her at reception. Supposedly, only the wedding party had access to presents.
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Twenty or so years ago a coworker got married and someone stole the cash box our coworker table presented to her at reception. Supposedly, only the wedding party had access to presents.
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Oh my!
My uncle’s wife (my aunt by marriage) had a “money dance” and people put money in her purse when they danced with her. I think the intent is that the cash is to be used on the honeymoon or to pay for things that the couple still needs. She and my uncle were quite upset and surprised when her dad took the money claiming he was using the money to reimburse himself for some of the wedding costs! Ugh! That seemed very gross since that was not why people gave the money. (I’ve never been a fan of money dances, but still…)
Many years ago, a couple gave us this atrocious stoneware vase. It wasn’t our taste and looked like something an amateur potter would have done. It wasn’t by anyone famous so it’s not like it was some collectible. Anyway, we put it away. About a year later we invited the couple for dinner; I took out the vase and put it on the mantel so it looked like it was part of our decor. H - sleep deprived from residency - blurted out, “what IS that ugly thing on the mantel?” We were somehow able to salvage it by pretending it was a joke (H is very much a jokester) but the moral of the story is - if you’re going to do something like that, inform your spouse!
I have no idea what “cover the plate” even means. Our friends that earn more money probably spend more on their kids’’ weddings than our friends who have less money. Seems weird to think that people who earn more have kids that “deserve” bigger wedding gifts simply because the parents spent more money. I’m not of the mind that if I’m invited to a wedding that I’m expect to “pay my way”…what an odd concept. I don’t think anyone I know “thinks” this way.
I think the idea of “covering the plate” has its limits. I had a very rich uncle who gave his D’s extremely expensive weddings. We would have no idea how much the “per person” cost ultimately was. And frankly, many times guests really wouldn’t know the “per plate” cost.
Since we don’t live near any of our relatives, attending anything costs us a good bit of money…airline tix, rental cars, etc. While I don’t “count” that as part of my gift (obviously! lol), it certainly makes a difference along with the fact that we have so many nieces and nephews.
H has one niece who had a “destination wedding,” that included a week long list of things to do. We couldn’t go to that because of other commitments. If we had, attending that wedding would have cost at least a few thousand, in addition to the gift. I don’t really care for destination weddings for that reason, unless everyone is so affluent that the cost isn’t an issue.
We live in the northeast…but I don’t think it would matter if I lived elsewhere. We give about $250-$300 in wedding gifts. The reason for the variation…we like to give a real gift and our preference is everyday dishes or utensils. It depends how much they cost.
I got a great deal at BBB on service for 12 of everyday dishes for one couple that were about $250 total because I had a 20% off the entire purchase coupon.
We got another couple the kitchen aid mixer they wanted. That was a little over $300 with whatever coupon I used.
If we give cash (which is more like,y to be what we do for relatives, it is in the $300 range.
If you are a student spend what you can afford. $50 is fine. DH and I have usually given something in the $200 range for the grad students in his lab who have gotten married. I think the present for my nephew (two serving bowls from a local artist was more in the $150 range.) I can’t imagine spending more than $250.
Honestly, I always wondered who paid guest expenses at a destination wedding. I’ve had friends, eg, who paid for some guests’ rooms at hometown hotels. And/or flights.
LF, I’m having a semi-destination wedding. They cover their travel expenses and I’m not expecting gifts on top of that. Their presence is more than gift enough.
I, personally, wouldn’t do a super expensive destination though unless all my family/friends were very well off.
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But I would not send a check unless I knew the couple was leaving for a year abroad or something like that immediately after the wedding.
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We did that. A fair number of wedding gifts ended up spending five years in my in-law’s attic. It was actually kind of fun to unearth them and discover them all over again. We got everything from silver stuff to a pile of dish towels. (Which I still use!) Most of our friends were students and our gifts were quite modest. Even my dh’s PhD advisor gave us “just” a handmade tray from South America. It sadly eventually bit the dust, but I don’t think it was very expensive. And that’s okay. I liked it and used it a lot and thought of them every time I used them. My all-time most favorite gift was a tiny vase that you could put tiny flowers in. We used to go for walks and collect wild flower and stick them in it. And it was small enough that it went to Germany with us instead of spending five years in the attic. We got a set of striped glasses I loved, but every single one of them eventually did this weird thing where the bottoms just split off. Very weird. After glass number three we regretfully retired them.
What do you all define as a destination wedding? Simply someplace where neither the bride or groom are from (or where none of the parents live)?
My dad was just invited to a destination wedding in Turkey. The bride 's grandmother lives there. They are renting out the Shangri La in Istanbul and literally hundreds of people are coming from the U.S. There are 5 days worth of parties. It’s going to be like a George/Amal Clooney event I think! Sounds gorgeous!
To Romani’s point though the friends and relatives are well off, so while it’s not cheap to fly to Turkey and stay at this hotel, many of these are retirees for whom this is simply an expensive but doable vacation.
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Honestly, I always wondered who paid guest expenses at a destination wedding. I’ve had friends, eg, who paid for some guests’ rooms at hometown hotels. And/or flights.
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Personally, I’ve only known ones where the guests were expected to pay for their travel/lodging costs, with sometimes a group discount for lodging. I think that such things can be risky because when making the decision to have a destination wedding, many potential guests may say that they’ll go, but when the realities and impact of the situation (cost and days off from work), I wonder if many end up not going.
R, you know I’d love it if mine got married on some lush island. (Mostly because I envision the relaxation and some rum drink.) But just a few guests, a very, very minimum number, so not to run up the guests’ costs. Later, a nice a party in our home area for the rest of the friends and family, But none of this stratospheric per plate thing.
We did get a number of checks way back when we got married, some because we lived on the opposite coast, at the time. Thread got me to look up Miss Manners and she strongly advocates registry gifts. What we did was use that money for special purchases- I got nice dinnerware, some other things- and, like the quote above, still remember whose $ gifts had gone toward what.
I also like the charity thing very much. I tried to get my mother and brother to switch to that, years ago, for Christmas and birthdays. It didn’t fly.
Adding: maybe I confused some… By destination, I did mean where the entire party flies to some vacation spot.
My H was an usher at a buddy’s wedding in SF. The groom paid for airfare and hotel for all the ushers, as nearly all flew in from Hawaii, where the groom lived and where the couple would settle. The bride was from SF and her family was there.
One of H’s friends’ D’s got married on Maui and it was truly a destination wedding, since the groom lives somewhere on the mainland and the bride is from Oahu. It was gorgeous but everyone was expected to pay own travel expenses. The bride & groom provided a luau and cocktail party the night prior to the wedding, a fabulous wedding with lovely reception, and then brunch with the newlyweds the next morning. The parents as well as bride & groom are all VERY wealthy! It was nice, but a stretch for us, since we were putting kids through college and paying our mortgage. We were glad we attended, as most of H’s friends attended. With airfare and lodging, folks spent a good amount attending the wedding as I don’t believe any guests live on Maui.
seems like almost every wedding we are invited to is a “destination” wedding. We went to a wedding two summers ago in Sun Valley that was fabulous. All of the guests had to travel to get there. No one lived in SunValley. We went to a wedding in Tulum. Again, not the home of anyone. We are going to a wedding in Vermont, but not anyplace near where anyone of the bridal couple’s family lives…and everyone will be traveling to get there.
I’m not sure how many couples get married in their own hometowns. I know,that if our kids got married where we live, the only ones who,wouldn’t be traveling would be a handful of our friends. For everyone else, it would be a destination…and they would need to travel.
In October, there will be the wedding of a friend’s D in the hometown of the bride’s grandparents and many of her relatives. The H is in grad school in Boston but I believe they will both be moving to CA soon after the wedding but last I heard they weren’t sure. Many of the friends of bride & groom will be flying in for the festivities, so they are trying to figure out how to accommodate folks and keep things as affordable as possible. Haven’t heard any recent updates, but expect I will as it gets closer to the date. It’s great that the grandparents don’t have to fly, as they are getting frail. The groom’s family will all be flying (those who can attend). The couple chose Oct, in the hopes that fares & hotels will be more reasonably priced. The bride has many fond memories of HI & much of her extended family live here.
I give $100 for wedding gifts, unless it is someone I’m very close to. I think we gave $300 to a young woman who had done cleaning and gardening for us for several years when she married. I bought a set of high-end king-size sheets for my nephew when he married–about $400 as they wanted two sets of pillowcases. The sheets coordinated with a quilt made by my mother and sister as their gift.
I just got a wedding invitation for the son of my best friend of many years. Invitations addressed my mother of bride. Both my names were spelled wrong on the envelope (and my friend who would have given her the address has neat writing). On the invitation, right under the wedding site and time, in the same size type, is a list of all the places the couple is registered. Bed Bath and Beyond, Kohls, Target, and would appreciate gift certificates to Lowe’s. I have never seen that before. I looked that up on several etiquette sites: not appropriate to list like that.
EK, the suggestion of a donation to a pro-bono law organization was a great one. I’m sure that both UW and SU law schools have some affiliated organizations that provide legal services for the underprivileged, so those would be good sites to check. Or if you know where they got their law degrees from, look at those U’s sites for some ideas.
Just went to niece’s wedding (in MI) two weeks ago. Gave $250. Also spent about $150 on shower gifts. I figure that after the shower, the most desired gift is cash, and that’s easiest for me, too! We have a lot of nieces/nephews and weddings are just getting started. Friends’ kids I’ll give $100-200 depending how close they are.
I once was invited to a wedding that the only gift asked for was Home Depot gift cards. Very poor rural couple. The groom owned a house that was really run-down–not what most people would consider inhabitable. The bride’s parents gave permission for their D to marry the guy–ONLY if he fixed up the house!