Admittedly, I haven’t been to many weddings lately. But back in the day when I got married, people absolutely DID schlep gifts to the wedding reception,place it on the gift table and then at the end of the night, someone in the wedding family hauled the gifts to the car and to someone’s home to be opened before the honeymoon or after the honeymoon in front of immediate family. Are/were we odd??!!! 
Everyone knew we lived on the other coast. I’m not complaining.
Many don’t head straight off for a honeymoon, but many do. Who opened my gifts, so they could be carefully repacked? Wasn’t me. Just think about it. Let it make sense to the couple.
I can’t remember how we found out about the registries of both nieces but I know they did have a website because that’s how I’ve read where they met.
Weirdly, I always thought gift giving was about the recipient and not the giver. If the people request things off a registry, I’m happy to buy them (provided they are within my budget. If not, they get a check). If people don’t have a registry it is implicit that they want gifts.
Most people, like myself, have lived with their partners long before marriage. That means they probably have stuff they need for the house but might not be well off enough to request donations to charity.
Maybe it’s a generational thing. I absolutely don’t see the same in saying “we prefer money/gift cards.” I don’t think any of our guests have taken offense and if they do, they are more than welcome to just enjoy the wedding.
As for our “destination” it’s not where either of us grew up but it’s where my parents live. It is a touristy town and many people are making a vacation out of it.
I’m used to the idea that lots of people fly. Our family is small but our friends are all over the world. I would fully expect that my kids might very well marry someone from the other side of the country and our side would fly there if need be.
No. This was standard where I grew up ,too. It was an area where most people’s extended families/friends also lived so it made sense. I have attended recent weddings in that area and I was one of the people hauling gifts to the cars when H’s niece was married.
In my area gift tables are still the norm. Often the couple has a barbeque at their home or their parent’s home after the honeymoon. It is normally a potluck and the couples display the gifts. Thank you notes are often hand-delivered and pictures of the honeymoon are displayed. That seems to be fading as well now that kids just post photos on social media.
Of course, I live in an area that can still pull off cheap weddings. Plenty of punch and cake receptions and simple receptions. People do not tend to do the huge receptions. It is more potluck or buffet, DJ entertainment and local park venues.
@Pizzagirl Wedding couple doesn’t schlep gifts home–someone is assigned to take care of it and also to guard the gift cards with money. It’s considered an honor to be the table person.
In HI, gift tables are still the norm. Gifting cash is also very common here and much appreciated by most couples and families. It is a portable, pragmatic choice that fits easily. They usually designate one of the burly relatives as being in charge of the envelopes so that they remain intact and get to the couple. The hotels (where many of the receptions are held), generally offer to store the envelopes in their safe overnight while the couple has the deluxe honeymoon suite for having their reception at the hotel. Gifts are often brought to the wedding or reception and schlepped by family of the bridal couple.
I agree with what pizzagirl said upthread about a definition for a destination wedding. When my S got married in Seattle last summer, people initially thought it was a destination wedding, but that’s where the bride’s immediate family is from. 95% of the guests had to fly to the wedding, most from the East Coast.
I also don’t remember seeing gift tables at the weddings I’ve been to. Maybe this is ethnic? However, many times people walk up to the groom during the wedding and hand him an envelope to put in his suit pocket.
People can still set up a gift table or a corner, in case someone brings something. But there’s a huge difference in holding to that custom, as a guest, when the couple lives far off. (Plus may not be hanging around at some relative’s home, after.) When in doubt, it’s fine to ask.
And not everyone has a spare relative or friend to watch the table, be away fro the festivities. It’s considerate not to assume that what’s easier for you (schlepping a 2’x2’ lamp box or delicate china) will work. (Btw, it’s a lovely, expensive lamp and has a prominent place in our LR. The giver was one of my mom’s dearest college friends, a lifelong bachelor, who really didn’t know what to do, but wanted it to be a special gift.)
In Romani’s case, getting married where the parents live, not that far from where she and fiance live, that’s one thing. But if the kids live in a different state- or if the families are staying in a hotel- this just doesn’t work so well. In my case, we left for the honeymoon, then flew straight back to Cal.
“Weirdly, I always thought gift giving was about the recipient and not the giver.” It’s supposed to be.
We live 4 hours away from my parents by car. That’s fairly significant IMO.
That’s also why we won’t be going home before the honeymoon. It’s too far out of the way. My parents’ home is very, very, VERY small (it’s really just a small vacation cottage that they’ve converted into a home). It’s smaller than my two bedroom apartment was when I was at college. They simply do not have room to store our gifts if anyone brings any.
Also, I hope no one construed by first comment as thinking people need to “cover their plate.” How that was actually brought up in conversation around here was my mom reminiscing that $50 a person was typical when she got married the first time (mid 80s) and the prices of food and drink have skyrocketed while gift money has stayed constant. It was just an observation and we’d never, ever expect guests to fund our wedding.
I don’t remember gift table even back in my wedding day. But I’m glad I have not been to any wedding lately. The last time was when my oldest was a junior in college. But that wedding has been dissolved and that person has since remarried. No weddings on the horizon.
My neighbor gave up inviting us to her D1’s weddings when she was on marriage 3. She’s now on 4.
I think the cover-your- plate idea is ridiculous, honestly. Think of a young twenty something couple with lots of twenty something friends just starting out, maybe paying off student loans, doubling up in apartments, etc. Maybe one girl’s family has a lot of money and the parents like to entertain with filet mignon at the Ritz because they are established and able to do so - does that mean the young friends should have to “cover” a couple hundred dollars a plate? That’s insane. It’s essentially saying young people just starting out aren’t welcome.
It isn’t considered a chore to watch the gift table because it’s usually set up right in the hall where the reception is taking place. In fact, people walk around and look at the gifts on the table.
In my working class, ethnic family of origin everyone invited to a wedding
(with the exception of a maybe one or two relatives) lived in the same area as the bride and groom. Where I grew up, it’s rare, even for kids who manage to go to college and move up a step economically, to leave that area. It’s a close-knit ethnic community.
I think the CTP folks expect that from the older, more established guests. One of my issues with it is that if you choose to throw the reception with $150-250+, per plate, that’s your choice, your dream, your values. Unlike, say, the traditions one chooses in the service or vows, I don’t get how an uber luxe party enhances the marriage- or just what it symbolizes. By all means, if you can afford it, fine. But don’t turn it into: then the guests are supposed to underwrite that cost. I don’t even like it as a guest philosophy.
Hope this is not considered a hijack but @mom2collegekids brought up a point I am wondering about. We have 20+ nieces and nephews (some are still teens but we’re averaging 2-3 weddings per year). We will be flying to the upcoming winter wedding, car, hotel, etc. I am torn between just ignoring the cost for all 4 of us (H, two teens and me) and considering it a vacation (Minnesota the week before Christmas is not my first choice but oh, well) vs. just having my H go (or maybe I’d go too but not the kids). His sibs from this area are not bringing their kids or, in two cases, their spouses, and many of the cousins in their 20’s can’t go due to cost, insufficient vacation time, etc. I do not want to give this niece substantially less we gave her cousins who are local, but H thinks a lesser gift is fine as “our presence is the present.” Thoughts?
Makes sense to me. If the kids have a relationship with the cousins, I think it is nice to include the kids. My close ties to extended family – which in some cases have waxed and waned a bit through the years – are very valuable to me. I try to do what I can to help strengthen my daughter’s ties to cousins that live far away.
I guess a lot depends on finances, vacation time and intangible, how “close” you and the others in the family are to the person getting married.
So far, only my sister has had her kids marry–one a few years back and one this fall. My kids will be flying in for the event–from DC and LA, so in terms of airfare, that’s a significant chunk of $. My kids are “close” to the youngest D in that family. Since the wedding is in Honolulu, my kids are fine with it being a combined visit home, vacation and enjoying the wedding. Our kids planned to attend from the engagement.
Honestly, I can’t recall how much I gave the older D, as it was some years ago. In the meantime, things have changed. H retired, S is independent, and lots of other changes.
Haven’t figured out what I will give this niece, but will probably buy a group gift from me, H and our S and D. Maybe our kids will gave ideas. I do gave 13 nieces and nephews on my side of the family and 2 on H’s. probably sister’s youngest D will be the next wedding, but who knows?