<p>Helping finance or helping select? Frankly, I would be fine with either!</p>
<p>My D1 has a boyfriend who has difficulty in picking gifts for her. Therefore she has told her sister what she wants and sister has already told BF that if he ever shops for a ring it would be good for her to accompany him.</p>
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<p>Yeah, I’m not a big fan of those, either. Marriage vows don’t expire! :)</p>
<p>Don’t get me wrong. I’ll step into the shallow pool with a few others. I’d love a big ol’ perfect diamond solitaire. But I wouldn’t be able to think of it as my engagement ring.</p>
<p>~sigh~ I’d still love it and kiss it and stare at it.</p>
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<p>I understand. We had a stupid dinky wedding that is still a sad spot for me some 20+ years later.</p>
<p>ZM - I meant contributing (money) for D’s ring. I know she is not going to want a small ring and hate to have it as a sore spot. But would it be a bigger sore spot if we did offer?</p>
<p>VM, it’s different for different people. My parents didn’t even have an engagement ring for this marriage. My mom’s on her 2nd ring because they were absolutely dirt poor when they got together and my dad wanted her to have a “real” wedding ring… so nearly 20 years in to the marriage, she got one. 22 years of marriage and my dad doesn’t even have a 1st wedding ring. Different strokes and all :)</p>
<p>Many couples my parents’ age I know that do renewal ceremonies generally do them on big anniversaries or after a really rough patches (separation, etc). </p>
<p>I’m not going to lie. I absolutely hated my first engagement ring. In hindsight, I think I hated the ring because I knew in my gut that this (man) was not the one for me.</p>
<p>Oldfort, I don’t see anything wrong with helping unless the young man is opposed.</p>
<p>@VillageMom, you should care because the diamond industry is awash w blood & human misery for the sake of vanity.</p>
<p>I think it could be awkward. With the very best of intentions it may inadvertently send the message that the BF can’t provide for your dau. It could be awkward down the road. if at all possible, I’d stay out of that one. You can always give a LARGE wedding gift $$$$$$ and they can pay themselves back for the cost of the rock.</p>
<p>Or a LARGE engagement gift. Or both.</p>
<p>Oldfort,
I’ve said it before but will repeat. I wish I had you as my future in-law. As long as our children were working hard, doing their best, I’d be happy to grease the way in other things. I truly respect your values and how you have raised your daughters. Go with your instinct; help your future SIL afford a ring that your daughter would be proud to wear.</p>
<p>bookworm, thanks. Not sure if they are at that point, but we are hearing more about what she would like for her wedding. Recently D1 asked how much a “decent” ring would cost. It should be from her future H, and I know if she were to get engaged to this young man, he would do the best he could. So a little helping hand from us, would it be so bad?</p>
<p>Don’t mean to hijack the thread. Carry on.</p>
<p>As a parent of sons, I see this from a slightly different perspective. If my s felt he couldn’t afford the ring that his intended wanted and had to accept $ from his future in-laws, I think it would make him feel uncomfortable. Just sayin’</p>
<p>jym- I know what you are saying too.</p>
<p>If my s felt he couldn’t afford the ring his gf wanted, I’d help him in a heartbeat (if he would let me, which is doubtful), and it would probably be our little secret (DH would know, but not GF). Wouldnt want him to feel awkward, or unable to ante up, in the eyes of his intended or his future inlaws.</p>
<p>OF, personally I don’t see anything wrong with it if the guy was receptive and your D knows what ring she wants (or the price range) and it’s outside of the guy’s comfort range. If you have a close or open relationship with him (and know this wouldn’t offend him), I don’t think it would hurt to bring it up. </p>
<p>I do think a lot of guys would get offended or at least politely refuse. Many men are brainwashed in to thinking that a giant ring somehow proves that they’re more of a “man”. (I don’t get it, I’ve just been told this. It could be complete hogwash.) </p>
<p>My future BIL just got engaged. I know that his fiance’s dad offered her mom’s ring as an engagement ring (her mom passed away a year and a half ago) and he politely refused because he knew that she didn’t want it. Her mom’s passing is still very, very fresh and it’s not something she can cope with quite yet. He ended up having most of the ring paid for by his parents. He is the oldest of three boys (my partner is the youngest). I couldn’t see middle brother accepting a penny from his parents (he’s too proud) and I don’t want my partner to get me anything that would require help from parents. It’s really amazing to me how different people are in tastes!</p>
<p>I do wonder if men could be offended because it somehow means that their future in-laws don’t trust him to “take care of” their little girl. I don’t know a lot of upper-middle class people who want big rings or who have the means to buy big rings so I’m just musing over here…</p>
<p>Have to agree whether her BF would be insulted.My D wanted to wait till her BF now DH was financially more stable to be engaged and she got her big rock.
Both my D and now my S’s SOs come from families who could/would not help. Your future sons-in-law are very fortunate.</p>
<p>what is a big rock? Over 2 k? My son is a grad student, g/f a postdoc; over 2 K would suggest a prima donna. I do not think such a request is reasonable. cbreeze, explain what you mean.</p>
<p>In all honesty, I doubt your example applies to the worm and g/f, and from your prior posts, wanting “a big rock” doesn’t fit you or DD. You have always been a most reasonable voice.</p>
<p>It would just depend on the guy. He might be thrilled to accept, or he might be of the mind that an engagement ring is a gift from** him** to his fiance, not a gift from his fiancee’s parents to their daughter. My husband would NOT have wanted that, not because “getting a big ring proves he is more of a man,” but because he saw it as his gift to me. Maybe the daughter would have a pretty good handle on how her BF would respond to an offer to help out.</p>
<p>This young man’s family wouldn’t be able to help and I wouldn’t want that kind of pressure on him or his family. He has been working to pay off his student loans, so it would take him a bit more time before he could save up for a ring. Sometimes I think life is too short to worry a lot about this kind of thing. If we could help out, why not just enjoy it. Again, this could be all moot…just thinking out loud, I tend to plan ahead.</p>
<p>Bookworm, yes she got one >2 carats. D was quite surprised. My SIL comes from a more humble background and has been going through an “over the top” period because he’s done better than all his immediate family. As a result I had my groomzilla moments with him in wedding planning.</p>