<p>I thought I was the only parent with sons who speak to me in monosyllables.</p>
<p>I have two wonderful, bright, dear boys who used to share everything in their worlds with me. Now, if I ask them how their day was, they eye me suspiciously and ask why I want to know. Um, because I’m your mom and I love you?</p>
<p>They are only sullen with their parents, from what I can tell. Both have been very motivated academically, altho we have a major case of senioritis on our hands. Both are very self-motivated in terms of their sport and have nice groups of friends, as well, so no problems there. It’s just at home, where they seem to think they are breaking some code of honor to sit and talk to me.</p>
<p>You know, I think in our parents’ generation there was less intimate involvement with kids on some level (because there were fewer books, magazines, TV shows about parenting; because families were larger; because life was less automated…who knows why). So, maybe when kids became more remote for a while as teenagers it didn’t strike our parents as being so signficant. Nowadays, many of us are a tad “overinvolved” at times (my boys called me and my closest friends “too caring moms” when they were younger)…so the discrepancy in communicativeness that is completely normal in teenagers is that much more noticable?? Just a thought. </p>
<p>I too get the eye of suspicion at times from son #2, but always in good humor. I know he knows I know that there is much more than he is telling me. He knows and he also knows that when/if there is something that needs to be told, I am there to listen and to try to help, if help is needed. And so sometimes I hear about the worries. Luckily, there are also wonderful friends and mentors, so happily he is well supported.</p>
<p>I just want to add what my mother (six kids!) says about the teenage years of wrath:
“They act that way so you don’t mind nearly so much when they leave. Otherwise, it would break your heart.”</p>
<p>I guess it is just nature taking its course. Their interests have moved away, into their microcosms with their friends, but their bodies still reside at home. Pretty soon, it will be time for both to head out the door.</p>
<p>With boys 8th grade through 10th can earn you a lot of wrinkles, but it does get better. My son is now charming, fun to be around and actually likes us a lot. He even took us to his floor and introduced us to all his friends in college on a Friday night. We went through many trying times especially 8th and 9th grade but we all survived it and he turned out extremely motivated , charming , considerate , honest and moral. I think you just pray a lot, get through the sleepness nights, have other parents to talk to, seek advice from professionals when needed and your kids will be OK, better then OK. It’s important that they know your values and they will internalize them. Most kids just have to go through that rite of passage where you don’t recognize them all of a sudden and wonder about the alien that have inhabitated your child. I know there are studies about the teenage brain as well that account for some of this. I totally agree with the previous post this too shall pass- so true!! Thank God!</p>
<p>I have to honestly say that I have not read many of the posts on this thread. However I would like to share with you my understanding of boys. Many years ago I saw a news show item about the difficulties counseling boys and the accuracy was confirmed by a friend who counsels families and children</p>
<p>Let me give you an anecdote from the show. A family had a son who had some significant emotional problems resulting from a divorce. The mother had tried several counselors with little success. The taped session with the son started with a sit-down counseling session where the boy was unresponsive. The counselor then took the boy outside to fish on a dock. While they were fishing the counselor resumed with some questions and the boy totally opened up. </p>
<p>The same thing recently happened to us with our son. We call and get the typical yes and no answers. The conversation is largely a monologue. Just last week our son called us after his Thursday nite lecture. He was talking a mile a minute and telling us all about his week, his newfound friends, his next term scheduling issues and whatnot. He seemed a bit winded at times and when I asked why he told us that he was walking back to the frat house where he was staying for “live-in” week. I remember when he was at home he always walked around or tossed a ball when he was on the phone with his girl friend or other friends.</p>
<p>So my advice is that if you have a sullen son and want him to open up, do it while he is doing something and see how it works. Toss a ball around, take a walk, help him wash his car. Maybe you will be surprised!</p>
<p>Now I know why H takes S hiking. Except that when I ask S what they talked about, he is likely to reply: “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” Very informative. :)</p>
<p>But Fredo’s S does have a passion. Golf! Fredo, you should take comfort that he has one passion outside of screen-based entertainment. Chances are the passion for golf is a good indicator your S will discover more passions as he matures. He’s learned ‘passion’ patterning, as Jamimom might call it.</p>
<p>The screen-based entertainment addictions are depressing, I agree, but some boys use it as an avoidance technique. They avoid tough social (drugs, sex, alcohol) situations by staying glued to their screens.</p>
<p>One of my friends had a gorgeous, bright S. He became a drug addict over a short four month period, almost overnight. By the time she sorted what happened, he was dropping E and acid every day. At fourteen. </p>
<p>She used to complain about his computer playing until she realized that when he stopped playing, he was swept into something far far darker. </p>
<p>I took her words to heart. I’m careful what I wish for…(though I do wish they didn’t like gaming. Sigh).</p>
<p>Interesting topic. I discussed it with my 13-year old son. I have told him that, in my opinion, sons only become truly useful when they turn 13. Then they turn sullen. Correlation?</p>
<p>What a great thread! I am truly inspired by all the parents’ inputs on this forum. I especially loved JAMIMOM’s POST 59. If you haven’t read it, please do. I’ve had a few donkeys when they went to college…can very much appreciate. And i guess I did not “pattern” enough in HS for them! Think this is a very very good analysis of why parents need to stay involved with their kids even up through HS…to my children’s dismay, I became the HS PTSA president for two years , HSPTSA treasurer for four years, and stalked the halls of the HS at least once a week for the majority of the time. Got to know ALL their teachers…and while I did not attempt to influence them, they saw in our family’s sense of community involvement and social conscience that we were a family that was hell-bent on raising our children to be solid American citizens. It was easier to get awards and recognition when your eldest was valedictorian, was Natl Merit Finalist, and got early acceptance to HArvard. That “Pygmalion in the Classroom” effect appeared to carry over to my other two as well…although they were not as bright. They got awards and recognition that sometimes I am not sure they deserved, but we as a family were very visible in the school…volunteering for one thing and the next. So, my kids were NOT sullen, by any means. Even if they wanted to be, I suppose, we always were engaged on some level in their lives and attempted to present an impression that we understood their trials and tribulations. We could speak first hand about the quirks of some of their teachers as we had experienced them first hand!!! Our approach to HS was one in which we made an effort to get them to understand that pleasing one’s teachers and sometimes biting the bullet when one needed to was necessary no matter who you were just because the position of the teachers was one of authority and they were in no position to buck the system. Even as parents. All three of my kids graduated in the top 5% of the class…and received lots of scholarship money to less prestigious schools…which they of course never used as two went to IVY league schools and the third to Carnegie Mellon. To rap this up, I think parents need to show by example how one must conduct themselves in a variety of situations…no lecturing, no badgering, no threats of consequences. To this day, we try to remain an integral part of their lives and they are required to take the “dreaded” family vacation with us once a year, if it can fit into their work schedule of course. My second S “opted” to spend his last vacation with us in Bavaria and came alone rather than with a friend…because he reluctantly admits, his mom is a “scream” and he at times can get very embarrassed by our willingness to have a good time…Therein lies the example…there are times when you can have fun…and it’s okay!!! Your job and your responsiblities will be there when you return. No sullen behavior is allowed around here!!!</p>
<p>Okay, OP here! I have to say that reading all these wonderful posts has really given me some perspective. First of all, in the grand scheme of things - and what could be happening - my son is a good person and I love who he is. Parenting really is a constant state of ebb and flow - micromanaging some times and hands-off for learning life lessons at other times. The tricky part is knowing when to use which one!</p>
<p>We definitely have a mismatch of personalities between my son (who is a lot like me - witness the time spent on CC correlating to his time spent on the computer!) and my husband who is a go-getter with the drive of the Energizer bunny. So that post definitely resonated. </p>
<p>He does have a passion for golf and I should appreciate that. In the meantime, he’s playing platform tennis and was asked by a new friend to play on an intramural basketball team. Of course, his team lost the first week by 129 points (that is NOT a typo, really the score was 161-32 - he had 4 points!!!). But he had fun, he got some exercise, he got out of the house away from the computer, the TV, the X-box and the poker table and he met some new people as well as reconnected with an old friend. </p>
<p>Academically, he’s still working on getting better grades. He tells me that two girls in his honors math class have volunteered to work with him because they want him to stay at this HS. So I know he connects with good, smart students and is again expanding his social circles. He’s doing a better job of staying on top of his work and we go over his daily grades and assignments (both posted on–line) so we can see where he needs to put that extra push on. I think math will always be his nemesis and we’ll have to drop him down next year. If you consider AB Calculus dropping down! (just won’t be at an honors level).</p>
<p>I see small feats of accomplishments. We went out to dinner last week and he actually put his napkin in his lap without me asking and talked both directly and politely to the waitress (instead of his usual mumbling). I was really impressed - and told him so (little positive reinforcement of good manners never hurts).</p>
<p>You know what I think this all is? Maturing, plain and simple. And because I love this boy (he’s always be my little boy!) so much, I’m willing to go along for the bumpy ride!</p>
<p>Fredo- did your son also feel the need to run out and buy Halo2? Tomorrow is Veteran’s Day and son(15) and all his friends are planning an all day poker extravaganza.
Regarding conversation son is the king of mumbling and one word answers but today I took him for a hair cut and I got a manicure nearby while I waited and was shocked at how much he talked to the woman who was cutting his hair. I don’t know how she did it.
And my kids all think napkins are for decoration. Why use one when you have a perfectly good shirt so close by!</p>
<p>How wonderful that he has friends who care for him! My older S did not take Caculus, honors or otherwise. He still got into a top LAC. Your S seems to be doing fine. He is indeed becoming more mature.</p>
<p>Had to comment of the napkin story…I have tried to instill <em>some</em> semblance of table manners into DS - and I suppose it worked to some extent…he told me this story -
Last Spring, he went with a group to Prom which included dinner before at one of those Japanese Steak House type restaurants where they cook at the table…after everyone had gotten settled and placed their orders…one of the girls said to the boys
“Guys - have some class - put your napkins in you lap…Like DS!!” Needless to say, I was thrilled…and told DS - “See I told you girls like good manners!”</p>
<p>kjofkw–I’m happy to hear that the change of schools has worked out–I remember how hard that decision was.</p>
<p>Fredo–what is platform tennis?</p>
<p>I can relate to all the posts about “sullen” children–I really feel like S2 was about as sullen as you can get in high school, like if there was a “sullen” contest, he would have walked away with the top prize, and yet, now that he is away from home at college, he has his social moments with us. My visit with him a couple of weeks ago was great. And I and my daughter were surprised to see him being so relaxed and friendly with the girls in his dorm. My husband called him a week or so ago to ask a question about the computer here, and says the kid was positively “chatty.” If you knew him, you’d know how significant that is! So, there is hope. And I completely agree with Blossom’s philosophy of loving the kid you have, though have to say it is not easy to live it when things are “rocky.” I very much relate to Jamimom, with my older two. </p>
<p>One of my daughters, the sixth grader, is going through kind of a quiet period. She was the uber-social girl until the past few months. Not that she is bad, or not doing well in school or anything, it is just a very noticeable change for her, so of course, I worry, even though I felt she was way too social (imo, not being much of a party girl myself!) before. And her interests are changing. Again, not a bad thing, but just another thing to wonder about/adjust to as she comes goes through the junior high transition phase of growing up.</p>
<p>Platform tennis is also know as paddle tennis. Played outdoors in the winter on a fenced enclosed court - a shrunken tennis court. You play the ball off the fence (sort of like racquetball). You have to be hardy because sometimes you have the shovel the snow off first before you can play!</p>
<p>I don’t see the point of responding with so many good comments but there is also value in getting involved with the teachers. I wouldn’t just tell S to get his grades up and leave it to him.I would call the teachers and say how concerned you and hus. are and ask where S’s strengths and weaknesses lie. Ask how he can improve and get more concrete examples as to how exactly he can do this and where. And I would impose upon the teachers this is very important to you he improve and the grades go up.Teacher will probably say something like, ‘I am always here before school for questions or help’ so I would get son there and follow up with questions every day like,’ Have you done so and so project, let me see it’.And also limit any video or games time. Like if you are not home after school let that be his down time but after or before dinner no games, just schoolwork or reading.And ask to see things.</p>
<p>I have found that the biggest influence in having grades go up is contact with the teacher about it. Once they know YOU are concerned, the teacher will work more with your child and this can only benefit him.There was a brief period in jr high I had to sign homework every night . My S was a good student but had slipped and was back on track within a few months.
One other thing, summer programs can be of help if the child is weak in an area. One child of mine thought he was a math wiz until he got into jr. high and encountered real competition.We fould an advanced math class in the summer and the extra work REALLY paid off in the future.He can now consider careers which would not have been possible for him had he now worked so hard to improve. (It was 6 weeks, 4 hours a day.)Now, when he gets such great grades the teacher will wonder why the others in the class can’t figure something and I know it’s because of all the extra math those two summers.</p>
<p>Oh, just to add. It’s perfectly okay to approach a teacher and say to them a C is not acceptable.THat it will throw a wrench into the works and ruin his G.P.A., etc. and this is the grade you want to avoid. Once the teacher knows what you consider is improvement, they will really try to help by telling you how and where exactly child needs to improve.</p>
<p>Fredo; You situation sounds like something we went through. I think you have to think about what son really likes academically, and start talking about careers in those areas with him.(at the dinner table, fieldtrips, etc.)I know this all involves work and your input,and has to be done delicately with him. I mean, it is quite possible he can make a successful career as a golf pro- but maybe not.There came a point with all of our kids (4) where we puts sports aside and worked to develop academic strengths. It seems from what you are saying son is aware there are some academic weaknesses but is not sure how to improve. As I said, contacting teachers and working with them really helps. Here I have responded 3 times to your problem! I must feel very strongly about this and I know with your input things will improve.Because we did it. The thing is, you can be happy with some C’s, but with your subtle help and his work and working with the teachersl together, it can change.We did it.</p>