Try living in Beirut, Lebanon for a few months. You will feel much better when you move back to the US! That’s according to our son who is here for a month-long visit. He said we have no idea how good we have it.
Thank you for your words of love and encouragement, Consulation. I know my family loves me, but I have a hard time sometimes (certainly lately) understanding why the do. I try not to worry them, which is why I’ve admitted more in this thread than I have to them. They have enough on their plate, and the feeling of guilt, self recrimination, self loathing really, tells me I’m not worth their worry. I want to fight this, I really do. But I want to accomplish winning the fight without disrupting the lives of those whom I love. I don’t want to hobble us financially. I just don’t know how to do more than grit my teeth and not fall off the lifeboat.
Go to your PCP and don’t hold back. Print out your words here if needed and read them aloud to the doc. You are worthy of every ounce of help you can get to get you to a better place. For you, for your family.
@MaineLonghorn --I salute your S for the work and risks he takes. I don’t think you mean it this way, but I don’t think people here are taking the fears and realities those privileged less highly. It’s just on account of I know how privileged I am that I have a duty to care about what’s happening to others who are more threatened–in this country and elsewhere.
To address the comments of others: As far as fearmongering in the US – I do not watch cable news. my news comes from online sources I trust and verify. I am not being manipulated to fear because I don’t follow the fear-mongering media outlet. If anything, I think a lot of the precarious conditions in this country comes from deliberate attempts from various sources to make people afraid and thus ready to hurt others to “protect” themselves.
As far as NK, though yeah, I can’t do anything about its psychotic leader…well, it’s complicated. I’ll just leave it at that.
And for those who say, look at history. Oh, I AM. I am looking hard at history.
You might need a change in your anti-depressant medication. That’s something to discuss with your doctor, of course, so it’s good that you’re planning on going to your PCP. Don’t hold back when you describe how you’re feeling. Don’t make it sound like it’s not as bad as you really feel.
The symptoms and feelings you described sound like depression to me. But I’m not a doctor or a healthcare professional nor do I have training in the behavioral health field.
I totally agree w/all the other suggestions to stop watching/reading the news so much. Also, if you’re a fan of late night talk shows that talk a lot about divisive political topics, then stay away from those shows, too, for awhile. If you’re on FB, Twitter, or other social media and your social media feed is full of people ranting & raving about highly emotional & divisive topics, then put those people on “ignore” for awhile until you’re feeling better.
It will make a world of difference.
If you’re a person of faith, consider praying to the higher power of your faith/religion. I recommend doing that even if you’re mad at that Higher Power. Tell Him/Her everything that is on your mind…and you most definitely should tell Him/Her if you’re mad at Him/Her. That can often be part of the healing process.
I highly recommend going to Adam the Woo and Justin Scarred’s YouTube channels. They’re full of positivity. Never anything negative. No religion. No politics. Good clean fun. Justin Scarred’s series of Route 66 videos are really well done.
You know what else is really great? Those “Great Big Story” videos. Those are fascinating and often very uplifting.
And if you can find one, go to a depression support group.
While we all agree that OP could use some time away from news… I also want to point out how important it is for the stronger of us to keep being informed, and keep being engaged. Hitler got into power in part because tens of thousands of people tuned out and tuned inward. Those of us who can need to fight the fight.
“Definitely switch off TV and get off social media.”
I turn on the TV, watch for a few minutes, and it feels like the US has gone insane.
Then I turn off the TV and start talking to folks.
I chat with neighbors. I go to the library and chat with the librarian. I have a small business owner doing work in my yard (I just had a new septic system installed). I go out on the bike trail (weather permitting) and chat with folks there. I go Christmas shopping and chat with the lady running a small store. I chat with the guy on the next treadmill at the gym.
Talking to normal people, almost anywhere, I see a lot of very sensible people who are getting by doing a good job that helps people and gets things done.
I see students in high school and university who are studying hard and doing well. Until my kids went off to university I used to see papers coming off the printer at midnight that we better than anything that I ever saw any student do back when I was in high school, or even when I was in university.
When I go into work I see software engineers and a few electrical engineers from all over the world and no one cares what anyone looks like.
I think that there are a lot more good things going on in the US than you would think from watching TV. Yes, we should all just turn off our TVs.
There is a difference between shutting out the noise and putting your head in the sand. Much of what passes as “news” is gossip and sniping and fear mongering. It’s a deliberate attempt to frighten and often mislead in order to get clicks and views that sell ads. So the key is finding ways to stay informed without subjecting yourself to the evidence-based schemes to alarm you into clicking on a screen that contains an ad. You can do that. NPR, NRO, whatever floats your boat. Stay informed, act accordingly, leave the schoolyard taunts to the kids.
@poetsheart, with depression, people often can’t read others well, don’t have a straight-on view of what even close others think or how they’ll react. The depressed person can’t see it.
It helps to ask, if this were physiological, threatened daily life and well being, would we put our care off? Do we think our loved ones would want us to?
It would be easier to leave the school yard taunts to the kids if the loudest taunts weren’t those of people with the greatest power and influence. This is one of the things that scares me. When world leaders foment hate and division for their own gain, when impulsive taunts and derision have such destructive potential, and grave implications…These words, spoken or tweeted, don’t require “spin” to comprehend objectively and within context. They are there for all to see.
@poetsheart - I hope my earlier comments about how I fight my depression were not piling on to your current low feelings. I have been in similar shoes, and I still struggle quite a bit. Depression is like the feeling that even though we know that we will feel better if we exercise, but we are somehow paralyzed and cannot start.
I agree with @Consolation completely. Please re-read her post a dozen times.
While we may on some level know we are blessed and have it better than many many others, the feelings we have are still very real.
I am sure your family loves you, and if anyone asked them objectively, they would not hesitate between the cost of your meds/care vs. wanting you to feel better, to be your best self. I understand the intense emotions that arise with personal medical expenses / needs for care, vs. the rest of the family dynamic. Our family finances suck, mostly because of my own medical issues. This is part of the cards we have been dealt. Earlier in our marriage, I debated even telling DH about some of the options the doctors advised because of the costs. There have been many times that I can sense the stress that some of this places on DH. But I talk with him all the time and I believe him when he reassures me that we will find a way to figure it out. This is not easy, and it requires a vulnerability that is not easy to share - even with those who we love the most…
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend to suicide. Something like this can mess with anyone’s emotions - whether or not we were already in a fragile mental state.
It is far easier for me to type “Don’t worry about it” than it is for you to read it. I am glad you are seeing your PC doctor. Does your insurance offer an Employee Assistance Program, or Crisis Hotline? Many plans offer (even if limited) mental health counseling with trained therapists over the phone. If you address this as feeling overwhelmed/drained, perhaps related to a friends suicide, coverage for it will probably not get lumped in with your ongoing issues. People are often surprised that it costs nothing for you to check it out, even to get a few sessions covered.
@poetsheart, sending hugs. And please show your PCP your posts from this thread. I know you said you are already on an anti-depressant, but it might not be the right one for you or the right dosage. You might also ask your doctor if an anti-anxiety med should be added (like lorazepam or Ativan for example.)
While it’s important to stay informed - there is nothing wrong with tuning out every so often. For instance, I know my limit and when it becomes to depressing for me, I make a conscious decision to tune out. I’ve also made a conscious decision to only read/listen to certain media - for me that is mostly just the NYT now. I don’t miss much news that is important that way but it’s not news going 24/7 either.
I decided to turn off all my news notifications some weeks ago when sitting enjoying a coffee and muffin with my friend after yoga class one day and my phone dinged. The message that popped up was breaking news about the terrorist attack in NYC. I decided then and there I didn’t want anymore breaking news ruining my day. There’s time enough later, whether that’s in a few hours, the next day, or the day after that - to catch up on what’s going on in the world.
@poetsheart - My condolences on the loss of your dear friend. I had been in the midst of writing a reply to your original message when I saw that. And, while MANY people share your same concerns about the world today, it seems like your anxiety /dread over those concerns, has taken over your everyday life. I am so happy you have recognized that and are seeing the dr. today.
I definitely notice an uptick in my anxiety levels based on how much cable news I’ve been watching. I limit myself to the evening network news now. There’s just enough national news on there so I know what is going on without getting myself all worked up, then a bit of other stuff and usually a feel good story at the end. I’ll also sometimes watch one Sunday a.m. roundtable news show, and 60 Minutes.
Many of the other things I would suggest to you have already been mentioned. But, you also may want to look into meditation. That can bring a sense of calm that can last when practiced every day. You can find many meditations on you tube, or there’s a number of apps out there too. Some are free (Insight Timer) and others require a subscription if you want to delve in past the free content (Headspace, etc). Another suggestion is acupuncture. Some insurance plans will cover it. Even if not, the sessions are reasonable compared to the cost of visiting a western doctor.
Best wishes to you!
Without sounding like a fruit loop - I’d like to offer that I believe “What you think about, you bring about”. I intentionally focus on what I would like the world, my world especially, to be. I offer thanks every day, again with purpose, for the good in my life. Nothing is too small to be grateful for. I believe the universe responds to our thoughts and try my darndest to show appreciation for the good in my life. There is science behind it too- I’ll locate the book if anyone is interested.
I have found that the busier I am, the less I have time to dwell on negative thoughts. Helping others with their problems not only puts me in a better mood, it provides perspective on my own worries and models of resilience in others. Try giving back.
Seriously, the OP is suffering from severe depression and seems to be having problems with basic functioning.
“It’s taking all my energy. I have to force myself to do basic things, maintaining household cleanliness, meal prep, even personal hygiene.”
That’s called loco-motor retardation and is very common with the clinically depressed. Telling someone in that state to “get busy”, to exercise, do yoga, volunteer, etc. is not recognizing the seriousness of the OP’s situation.
Also, people with depression and anxiety often cannot control intrusive thoughts. So telling her to think of happy things, meditate, and watch videos of puppies is also pretty pointless. If curing depression was that easy, no one would be depressed.
When I was having extreme anxiety due (at the time) to an undiagnosed medical condition, googling my symptoms contributed an extraordinary amount to my anxiety - so much so that the doctor who finally diagnosed me banned me from googling anything about my condition or going on the message board for that particular condition. It was the best advice I got. She also suggested I go back on Zoloft - which I had been on several years before, but went off when the stressor at the time was eliminated.
While not the only answer to the OP’s issues - curtailing consumption of those things which are obviously contributing to her feelings of dread may help and certainly will not hurt her.
Exercise is also a useful tool as it increases endorphins. Yoga can reduce stress by quieting the mind and relaxing the body so one is less tense. Once my instructor starts talking my mind immediately stops wandering and I think of nothing but the yoga for the whole class.
OP has already been advised to seek medical assistance and therapy. Additional suggestions don’t hurt, and yes, most of those suggestions also are advised by medical professionals in addition to medication and therapy. The entirety of one’s day is not taken up by therapy or pill taking, and there are other healthful activities to engage in that are consistent with treatment.
I can’t pretend to give any kind of professional advice, but when I get blue it is sometimes around usual times and events and I’ve learned to at least pull myself away enough to think, “OK, you’ve done this downward spiral before, you have this tendency, don’t let it get bad, just manage it and get through”.
If it was day after day and as debilitating as the OP describes, I would seek out medication and professional help.
Ask you PCP for help and ask for ways you can get help without having to get on the ferris wheel of an initial expensive consult visit with someone you may not even mesh with.
OP, could the short days be making your depression worse? Have you noticed a correlation to the season?
I use 3 things, starting in October, a negative ionizer, a very bright large halogen light hooked to a dawn alarm, and a light box at my office desk. All products recommended at cet.org
I also walk the dog every morning. These things help keep my mood from tanking in November. It did take some effort to get in a routine and more effort to notice I was doing better than in previous years/seasons.