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<p>That is amazing. What a wonderful and empathic creature.</p>
<p>They are sad too. They, as well as you and your daughters, are facing a loss, too.</p>
<p>However, the dogs think that he’ll be home tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that, so they don’t really get it, do they.</p>
<p>The reward for all your hard work in the outdoors will be a beautiful garden that gives you pleasure all summer long.</p>
<p>Just read this thread though.</p>
<p>I may have said so on another thread, but if not, ‘Wishing you and your girls peace.’</p>
<p>As for the Thank you notes…A friend died just before Christmas one year, the funeral was held in late January, the condolence acknowledgment (TY) cards were inserted into the next Christmas card. It was when her DH felt up to it.</p>
<p>yes, back to the blasted thank you notes: I doubt very much that ANYONE is counting the days until they are sent out. And if anyone is, I feel very sorry for the condition of that person’s soul. There. I have said it.</p>
<p>Now, take the comfort that those wonderful dogs have to give, enjoy what you can, tolerate the rest, howl at the moon if you must. You, sistersunnie, are an “organism that tends toward health,” and you will find it.</p>
<p>I’m so glad that you have the dogs and the great looking garden.</p>
<p>Hope you find some peaceful moments with them today.</p>
<p>Could you make a bunch of printed thank you notes that you could just add a hand written sentence to, and sign? Something along the lines of 'Thank you for your kindness. I’ll be in touch when everything settles down…"</p>
<p>By the way, I would never expect a thank you note under these circumstances.<br>
(Yes, I grew up in a barn.)</p>
<p>Okay today someone asked how I was, I answered “okay, thanks for asking”. Guess I didnt sound chipper enough, and was told “come on its been weeks, arent you over this yet?” WELLLL… I thought I’ve been doing well “okay”. Back to work, functioning, etc. Somebody please tell me that you arent supposed to bounce back this quickly! I didnt even know how to respond.</p>
<p>I can’t believe someone would say that! Perhaps it is a case of the person feeling awkward, not knowing what to say, and it just came out wrong?</p>
<p>Sistersunnie, I’m stunned at the rudeness of your questioner–“Aren’t you over this yet??”“” Does this person have any interpersonal skills–not to mention any significant relationships-- at all???</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your loss, and now I’m really mad that someone could say something so incredibly insensitive to you.</p>
<p>No, you are not supposed to bounce back this quickly. Peace to you and your family this holiday season.</p>
<p>All I can say is Wow!
I hope your facial expression made up for your loss of words.</p>
<p>As my father used to say, there are more horse’s asses in this world than there are horses. Looks like you just met one of the extras.</p>
<p>Sistersunnie, in my practice I do grief counseling. I am constantly amazed at the general view out culture seems to have about how long grief should last for. I often counter the notion that people should be over it quickly. It’s very unfortunate because sometimes the bereaved put themselves under pressure to “get over it”. Perhaps it comes from the fact that we live in such an “instant” culture. I’m sorry you ran into that.</p>
<p>So sorry that you have to deal with unfeeling remarks on top of everything else. </p>
<p>Wouldn’t you love to be able to come up with a polite retort that puts the moron in their place? I can’t do it, I usually stammer or am speechless. I have friends who have a gift of eloquently letting someone know when they are out of line. Does anyone have a good phrase for S.S. to use if this comment comes up again?</p>
<p>I don’t think this is the kind of thing where you bounce back quickly. You take your time, do what you can to get through the day. Sometimes ‘okay’ is as good a day as you are going to get.</p>
<p>“Oh really? I didn’t know that. How long do I get? Is there a chart somewhere based on how much I loved him, or something like that?”</p>
<p>Nope. Couldn’t do it. The best I would be able to come up with is “Wow.” and walk away.</p>
<p>Or, “I guess I’ll have to hurry up and grieve faster.”</p>
<p>And to answer your request. You are NOT supposed to bounce back this quickly. I think the Jewish customs around mourning provide a nice model. There are seven days of intense grieving where you “sit shiva” and then the first thirty days are considered a marker of their own. But the entire first year after a death is considered a year of mourning. There is a particular prayer called the Mourner’s Kaddish and the bereaved stand each week during this prayer. The very devout go to shul every day to pray and to say Kaddish. Thus, the entire synagogue community recognizes and acknowledges the person who is mourning as being “in mourning”. So there is a formal recognition – the most intense period followed by another relatively intense period followed by a lengthy period where the congregation supports the mourner and recognizes him/her as such. And even after the year is over, every year on the anniversary, a person remembering a loved one, stands and prays the Mourner’s Kaddish (and lights a Kaddish candle at home) and normally the synagogue will recite the names of those whose anniversary it is. I think there is a lot of wisdom in the unfolding process of grieving that has been ritualized in Judaism, because it recognizes that a person doesn’t just bounce back and that grief is a process. Grief is a journey and everyone’s journey is different. Anyone who doesn’t understand that has either never lost someone or is so intensely afraid and uncomfortable when facing someone who is grieving that they handle themselves badly.</p>
<p>Julia Sugarbaker (Designing Women) would have know what to say, but I was speechless. As someone said in an earlier post, as a society we seem uncomfortable and maybe unrealistic about grief. It would be a comfort to have a prescribed period of time and a list of behaviors, etc that were appropriate. Like when you wore black for a year,etc. But alas we must figure it out on our own. </p>
<p>Leaving tomorrow to spend several days on each daugthers campuses. They were unable to come home for Easter (track, studies, work) so I am going there. We need to be together and now I have the time and am able to leave the area for a few days. Funny thing is I’m feeling tentative about leaving the comfort of home…never have been timid about those things before. Guess this has rocked my whole world and am shaky overall.</p>
<p>I hope you have a good trip and enjoy the time you spend with your daughters. I can understand that leaving your home and routine feels destabilizing but think of how great it will be to put your arms around your daughters.</p>
<p>Sistersunnie
I haven’t posted my condolences, but I’ve watched the thread and sent you many meditations of peace.</p>
<p>I am sorry for your loss; and sorry that someone was so untactful as to say get over it already. I like the answer of asking for the “timeline of grief vs how much you love him” chart, but know that it is not possible to think and say it in the moment. And it is love in the present tense because you are in the present. I actively love my sister, although she has been gone for 10 years.</p>
<p>Grief ebbs and flows but does not ever leave in my experience, but you go on. You are doing a great job of going on and that is all that you should ask of yourself. And you might let your girls be aware of some people’s lack of tact (to put it mildly). They need to not feel rushed as well.</p>
<p>Hope you and your girls enjoy your visits.</p>
<p>Well the one month mark hit this weekend. We were all very aware of it and had our moments, but we managed a good visit together. The girls are thankfully distracted by school, keeps them busy and they seem to be managing. Roommates/boyfriends talked to me about several crying jags but mostly okay. Spent several days with each, got to see the dorms/campuses/workplaces/local attractions. I stayed on campus with my oldest, nearly everyone left for the holidays, but all her roommates stayed when they heard I was coming. Had a wonderful dinner with her & roommates and spend until the wee hours watching Jeff Dunham videos (very funny/sick). Drove to PA for youngest track meet, terrible weather but great participation. Fun to watch her in action. Her boyfriend’s family had us over for Easter meal. Brought home a ton of her stuff in advance of end of semester. Brought them both Easter Baskets so they are armed with chocolate for finals. </p>
<p>This might normally be indication of a wild and wonderful weekend, I lost a bra! However in my case I think it’s just cheese for brains… </p>
<p>Drove home and cryed… This still sucks monkey butt!!!</p>
<p>sistersunnie:</p>
<p>This still sucks monkey butt and will for some time. This is one reason why the period of mourning in many societies is one year or more. It allows those who have lost of a loved one to grieve and not to be expected to pretend that things are the same, that they have to buck up and be cheerful. I feel for you, for your loss and loneliness.
But how comforting it is to know that your Ds are loved enough for their roommates to stay behind in order to meet you, for their boyfriend’s family to want to share the Easter meal with you. You and your H raised two wonderful, accomplished, loving and beloved, daughters.
Hugs to you.</p>