<p>Sounds like both you and both Ds had a wonderful time together! And how gracious for the roommates and the BF’s family to all reach out to you. It’s great to hear that your daughters have support around them.</p>
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<p>That is so nice. It sounds like your daughters have wonderful support systems and are doing very well under the circumstances. I’m so glad you had a good visit.</p>
<p>Some how this feels worse not better as time goes one…guess its the shock wearing off…</p>
<p>Some days will be better than others. There will probably be times when something hits you, just out of the blue. Don’t fight it, and don’t feel bad about it. You’ve GOT to come up with a good comeback for STUPID people who say STUPID things. With the power of CC, I’ll start a thread for this…</p>
<p>Someone who was so much a part of your life is gone. You’ll be able to deal with it a step at a time, anyone else’s assumptions are just crazy.</p>
<p>Hang in there…and promise to start a new thread whenever in the future a lost bra after a wild weekend WASN’T due to “cheese for brains!”</p>
<p>At some point you may want to read Joan Didion’s wonderful book The Year of Magical Thinking about the YEAR after her husband died during which, the entire time, she was disoriented, grieving and stunned. </p>
<p>Honestly, I think I heard one time that it should take two months for each year you were married to “recover” from a divorce (whatever that means), but that is only to recover from a divorce. I’d think that a death would require more time. So, if in gentleness you allocate yourself at least two months for each year of your marriage, you can tell the let’s-hurry-this-whole-thing-up types to just take a hike! This is going to take a while. Rest. Take care of yourself. Ignore the idiots.</p>
<p>Six months after my dad’s death, I’ve come to realize that grief is not a linear process. It’s not tidy. It comes in waves. I’ll think that I’m fine, absolutely normal–and then something will blindside me, like seeing his birthday on the calendar, or catching myself thinking about something I should tell him. Then it’s fresh and raw again. </p>
<p>My stepmom had trouble leaving home afterwards too. She found it comforting to be in the familiar spaces where they’d lived together. For me it’s just the opposite–it’s harder when I have to visit the house where he isn’t, anymore. Too many reminders and associations.</p>
<p>Be gentle with yourself. Nobody’s timeline matters but your own.</p>
<p>sistersunnie,
Many hugs to you and your Ds to make up for the idiocy of some insensitive folks.
Some days will have forward steps; other days will be two steps back. Getting dinner, gardening, dogs and work accomplished sounds quite monumental to me. Many days, that’s all I get done, and I don’t begin to have the load you are carrying.</p>
<p>As to dogs – until a week and a half ago, I had no idea how much I relied on my dog in my own journey. The prospect of losing her was too much to bear. She is such a comfort.</p>
<p>As to thank you notes – I haven’t gotten any hand-written notes, nor would I expect to. When I send a condolence card or send flowers, I’m not looking for thanks – I’m expressing love and concern.</p>
<p>Dogs are incredibly important. </p>
<p>And I bet they miss him too.</p>
<p>Yep. It does feel worse as the finality becomes real, when the fact that all we can do is get up each day, put one foot in front of the other, and keep going the best we can becomes clear. But doing that is a victory and gets us closer and closer to the new normal. This is a normal unlike the normal before our loss, because the loss changes us and changes the world. But we do get there, and we can learn to move forward, to thrive, and even to encounter joy again.</p>
<p>Continued strength and blessings to you.</p>
<p>I am sorry I missed this thread earlier. My sincerest condolences to you and your family. I used to (for several years) run a bereavement support group. You mentioned that the hospice had support resources for you. I strongly encourage you to use them-- they are very powerful. Many of the members of my group lost spouses. They had a great suggestion for each other about the thank-you notes. When friends of theirs asked if there was anything they could do to help, they let the friends write the thank-you notes to everyone whose handwriting they wouldn’t recognize as not that of the bereaved spouse. It was a win-win plan- the bereaved didnt have to write the painful notes unles they wanted to, to select people, and the friends were able to do something helpful for the bereaved. You might consider it if you have someone who can help relieve you of that task.</p>
<p>Glad to hear that you had a good visit(s) with the girls.
So, what is next on the calendar to look forward to? </p>
<p>I’ll bet the dogs were thrilled to see you…</p>
<p>I guess thats when the girls finish their semester, mid May. I have some things on the schedule, book club, Hospice support group, church events, but I’m finding as time goes on I am less inclined to participate. I really struggled to get out of bed this morning, so getting dressed to go out, etc takes super human strenght. </p>
<p>My dogs are always thrilled to see me, but then again, they are thrilled to see anyone…They do provide alot of comfort and comic relief… I have a pillow that says “life without dogs, I dont think so!”</p>
<p>Thank goodness for sunshine this morning, its been such a dreary, gray wet spring here…</p>
<p>Good morning Sistersunnie,
Thinking of you today. Get the dogs out and enjoy the sunshine with them.</p>
<p>Spring hugs for you, Sistersunnie.</p>
<p>I hope you live where the weather has just turned for the better. Get out and do more gardening. Call a friend and get together for dinner. Try not to be alone on such a fine spring day.</p>
<p>Sistersunnie:</p>
<p>It is hard to get out of bed when you are feeling down, but if the weather is fine, I recommend you to take a walk, do some gardening, in general, get some sun.
Going in the opposite direction, I actually feel that reading a sad book or watching a sad movie and having a good cry can be very cathartic. Don’t keep if bottled up inside yourself. Come here and vent as much and as long as you need to.</p>
<p>It is a process…and not always a pretty one. </p>
<p>If you cannot enjoy beautiful weather right now (where are you? do you have beautiful weather?) there will be beautiful weather again.</p>
<p>That is the upside of surviving. (And I do not deny the downsides.)</p>
<p>We are with you. No one has walked your exact path before; you have to make your way. But many have walked similar paths. I do not think it has ever been a straight line. We are here to support you when you need it and to cheer you when you soar.</p>
<p>No one said this would be easy, and it is not. But YOU are equipped for this rotten journey.</p>
<p>Hope you can get out in the garden this weekend. </p>
<p>Did you plant a memorial tree for H? We planted some azaleas, in honor of my Dad. It was a sweet thing, although the kids were too little to know what we were doing.</p>
<p>Sistersunnie, I just found this thread this morning before going to church. I have been thinking of you all day long and saying prayers for peace and for comfort. </p>
<p>You sound like you are doing great, all things considering. Give yourself a bit of slack and if you need to “take it easy” one day, give yourself that day. But set yourself a goal to get out again the next day…like you have been doing. I have not experienced anything like what you are going through, but I can only imagine the need for the occasional day to just “be”.</p>
<p>We are here with you and for you. HUGS and PRAYERS!!!</p>
<p>Also sending warm thoughts your way…</p>