<p>"However this isn’t the stone age and 18 year olds dont raise children in our society and aren’t fit to. "</p>
<p>That is your opinion. I don’t think it’s ideal, but I do know 18 year olds who could competently raise a child. I have one of them in my home. I completely echo the sentiment about HIV. I could handle a pregnancy or abortion. I couldn’t bear a positive HIV test.</p>
<p>And just to answer the question, no - grandparents have no legal obligation to the grandchild, and have no further legal obligation to an 18 year old child.</p>
<p>Would I try to convince my d to change her mind? I guess it depends. If she understands that we will not be readily available babysitters, that daycare (finding it and partially paying for it) is her responsibility, that having a baby means going to job, classes and home with baby - period - and she doesn’t get the “college experience”, that she will be responsible for caring for a sick child and arranging doctors’ appointments, etc., and understands what a degree of responsibility it is to have a child, then no, I probably wouldn’t try to “talk her out of it.” But I would be darned sure that she fully understood what “keeping the baby” means. If that’s “trying to talk her out of it”, then so be it.</p>
<p>On the other hand, if she thinks that keeping the baby means that she drops it in my lap and goes off and lives her life, then, yes, we’d have a serious discussion about that.</p>
<p>I do know 18 year olds who could raise a child-especially if they have a solid relationship with the father and with both sets of grandparents.</p>
<p>Some families are enveloping, of any new member & will provide any kind of support the young family needs without thinking twice.</p>
<p>However- some of us, don’t have the resources that we need to bring ourselves to a healthy adulthood, let alone a child.
If the family isn’t supportive- we’ve seen that society is hardly able to provide the missing help & everyone suffers, but the kids the most.</p>
<p>What I find is really interesting- and I realize this is going away from the black and white question of the OP that was posed without much background information, is the number of teen moms, who have parents who were also very young.</p>
<p>A friend for instance- had her first when she was 16- she married briefly and then remarried when she was in her early 20s and had a couple more kids when she was 23 & 25. Her first child, became pregnant when she was 17 and had another child when she was 19.
One household consists of the now 40 year old mom- her 17 year old- her 15 year old and her 24 year old and her boyfriend and their two young children.
The father of the 17 & 15 yr olds live in one state & the father of the 24 year old lives in another.</p>
<p>They are all making it work- which is great- I think people are very resilent , but it has been far from easy- and not pretty at times.</p>
<p>I have two girls, one 15 and one 18. If either became pregnant I would offer tons of support, but if asked I would hope that ZS had an abortion and ZG kept the baby.</p>
<p>I had a ton of help raising my two boys, a ton, and I was in my mid-20’s and more than capable of doing everything on my own. My folks babysat at least one night a week so H and I could have date nights. They came over to the house and helped with homework on afternoons when I worked. They took the kids for a week or weekend at a time on several occasions, so H and I could get out of town together. I am so grateful for their support, and my kids’ relationship with them is so much closer than their other grandma (who they see once in a while, and have a much more formal relationship with). </p>
<p>I grew up in a house with a live-in grandma. She was a second mom to me. My other grandmother was more standoffish. She never babysat us, nor wanted to. I loved both my grandma’s, but my love for mema (my live-in grandma) was so much deeper. To this day, thinking about her brings tears to my eyes.</p>
<p>My parents are literally like another set of (older) parents to my kids. It is such a blessing to see our kids come home from college and want to go spend time with ‘mama and papa’, watching a game, going out to lunch, just sitting and talking. Our family is truly an extended ‘village’, I guess. I’d be glad to do the same for my own grandchildren, if my kids let me.</p>
<p>Gee, my wife had her first kid at 18 and the next at 20. Both seem very well raised and successful. She was, in retrospect, very happy to have them early and out of the house by the time she hit 40. She feels very sorry for her friends who still have to deal with kids well past that age.</p>
<p>My sister & her husband has the first of her 5 kids when she was 19,( and he was 35) now 25 years later- they are all still living with her :eek:!</p>
<p>Biologically most 18 year olds are better prepared to handle pregnancy and motherhood than 40 year olds. </p>
<p>I would not recommend it to any 18 year old but I would respect my daughter’s decision to keep her baby and offer to help her in any way I could. My helicopter parenting would simply be redirected from college to baby-care. Call it helicopter (grand)parenting.</p>
<p>I have two very dear friends to whom this has happened in the past few years:</p>
<p>In one case D went away to school, then dropped out of school, hooked up with a “loser” guy, got pregnant, did not tell her mom until she was 5 months along (I am guessing so she could not be pressured into abortion). The DD moved home and stayed with her parents until the guy followed her back to her home town. The D & her BF lived together and both worked full time for a while, Mom (Gma) babysat every day for transitional times- the couple worked opposite shifts and alternated baby care. A few months later the BF moved back to his home town, leaving the DD and her baby alone. Luckily for her the family has enough money to subsidize her apartment and her mom does child care. Ideal, no? Working, maybe? Best for the child??? DD had her baby at 19, the mom had the D at 19, the Gma had a baby at 19 and gave it up for adoption.</p>
<p>Another family’s D had a one time encounter with a married guy who she worked with…it was incredibly tacky…and totally unexpected. She got pregnant and is living with her parents who don’t have tons of resources. She sleeps in the family room on the couch, her baby has her old room, every one in the family helps with childcare. We’ll see how it all works out. The worst is when the father of the child and his wife come over for visitation :eek: The mom wanted the baby given up for adoption, the dad had a sister who did that 40 years ago and he did not want his DD going through that pain. That put incredible stress on the grandparent couple and their lives have been changed dramatically. I think it would have been better for the baby to be adopted out, my Ds agree (so, it’s not just old foagisms, it’s that situation), the D is doing as good a job as can be expected, but man, the teen years will be interesting.</p>
<p>I am not sure if the decision made was good or not- I think Dads are really important to kids and neither of these kids will have much of a Dad in their lives, that’s sad.</p>
<p>In each case these were girls who were doing stupid things and making stupid choices ( I could go into details, just trust me, they were not using their adult brains!) and neither has the maturity or wherewithal to raise a child without total family support. So, Mom & Dad, who thought they were done raising their kids and just about to embrace that freedom are now squeezed in a house too small for another baby and both Mom & Dad and little sib are doing baby-sitting. Yes, the baby is loved and adorable, but the immature girl’s decision –my body, my choice, I’m an adult, etc- is not only affecting her, but her entire family every single day. Yes, they love her and the baby and are doing what they need to, but was she really an adult at 19 to make that choice all on her own? If she could not support herself on her own-car, job, apartment, was she truly an adult? It seems that it is not reasonable to say the decision is completely that of the legally adult child, if said adult cannot enact the decision on their own- it becomes, I am keeping my baby, now you drop everything and help me! Not fair…………maybe the choice to keep the baby would be the same if made by the family group, but that is not how I saw it in these situations. These girls declared they would keep the baby, the families were not a part of the decision, but they were entirely required to make that decision happen!</p>
<p>One of my BFs in HS could not be my bridesmaid as she was very pregnant at 19/20; she lived with her parents for a few years, married a womderful guy who was a father to her son and seemed to have done okay, but that son is about 30 now and kinda messed up- is that because of his circumstances or just the way life would have been no matter his up-bringing?</p>
<p>We all know there is no good decision, all are life-changing and painful, prevention is the better decision!!</p>
<p>Vicarious, the day I gave birth to DS1, an 18 yr old also gave birth. S was born in 3 hrs. 45 min., she had to have a c section after 12 hrs of pushing…why b/c her hip bones wouldnot allow the baby out. Mom began having medical issues also. I will never forget the lights, the noise, the atmosphere…so biologically women’s bodies are not better prepared at a younger age, I know my hips increased with ea. childeven though my wt didn’t.</p>
<p>I do repsect you for your support, but, I mean this respectfully, when do you cut the strings and say fly be free?</p>
<p>You are a better parent than me, I will not be baby-care, will I place a roof over their head, yes, will I still pay for college, yes, do I expect them to get a job and pay for diapers, yes. will I babysit…it depends</p>
<p>DD is only 11 and we’ve discussed this already as my nephew and his GF conceived a child 2 years before they got married. She knows that unlike alot of people around here, I will NOT raise a child that she decides to have out of wedlock. I was 41 when I had her and was ready maturity wise and financially.</p>
<p>I hope I didn’t give the impression that it would be OK with me, or that I condone or encourage, 18 year olds having babies. Just that as a grandmother it wouldn’t be at all inconceivable to me to help raise the child rather than abort it, if that were the choice of the mother.</p>
<p>I have thought a lot about this thread because of this issue in my own family. My sister had a baby at age 17 1/2, after her junior year in high school. My parents pressured her into giving her child up for adoption, although she did not want to. She was pretty immature then, and either my parents or my husband and I would have had to be co-parents if she had kept her son. (I was 21 and already married, and my sister stayed with us her last two months before the birth because my mother was so mean to her.) Keeping her baby was never really an option for her because my parents didn’t really give her a choice.</p>
<p>This enforced adoption has been the central fact of her life. She never has married and never had any other children. She graduated from college, has a good job, and owns her own house (lives strangely with about a dozen cats though). </p>
<p>She has been in touch with her son since he was 18, and they have a good relationship now. He was raised by a nice family but has had many issues (child of his own at age 16, alcoholism, trouble with jobs). Is this because he was adopted or would he have turned out that way anyway?</p>
<p>I have changed my opinion on adoption as I have aged, and I don’t think it’s such a great idea as I once did. My sister thinks she should have kept her son and raised him. But if that had been the case (and it really wasn’t done in my neck of the woods back in 1974), would things have turned out better for her and her son…or worse? I just don’t know.</p>
<p>Bookiemom- same here, I have a family member who gave up a baby in the 60s, got married, had a baby, got divorced and moved in with the father of the first baby- then they had a baby. So, she gave up one and raised his brother plus a half brother. The original “baby daddy” was soon out of the picture and based on the grown lives of these boys- not knowing anything about the adoptee- I would have chosen to be the one adopted out!</p>
<p>This girl was semi-forced also to give up the baby and chose never to get over it, and has never settled down and still resents her parents for it. Many cats living at that home, too.</p>
<p>“My sister thinks she should have kept her son and raised him.”</p>
<p>From what you’ve told us, it sounds like she thinks she should have kept her son and YOU (or your parents) should have raised him.</p>
<p>You don’t get to draft third parties into a co-parental role. If she really wanted to become an adult and parent the child, she could have, but she would have had to give up her youthful dependence on her family. I guess she wasn’t willing to do that, which doesn’t say much for her genuine desire to be a parent.</p>
<p>Back in 1974, were there the options that there are today as far as subsidized housing for single parent families, welfare, etc.? She was also a minor at 17 when she had her son. I think she just bowed to parental and social pressure and wasn’t strong enough to stand up and go against my parents. </p>
<p>I didn’t mean that my parents or I would have raised the baby until he was grown, but just helped her a lot until she was old enough to stand on her own two feet better. That probably would have been a huge can of worms though… </p>
<p>Somemom: interesting parallels there with your family member. The cats issue…wow. My sister is well on her way to being the “craxy cat lady.”</p>
<p>Bookiemom- the family member IS a crazy cat lady- she is now on disability for depression and has 6 cats!</p>
<p>My friend’s D got pregnant at 16. My friend was willing to support her D in whatever path she took. The D decided to continue the pregnancy. Including going back to her high school for senior year. This in a very small town. The boyfriend was the son of a well regarded townsperson. His parents supported an abortion. She had the child and even tried living with the bf for a few months. The relationship became abusive. She was not willing to have the D and baby live with her long term. She did not want any confusion who the Mom was. Eventually the D went to a safe house and moved to another state where they had family. My friend and her husband helped support her D and the baby. But expected her to do the parenting. Her D meet a nice young man who took on the responsibility of a ready made family. At 20 her D became pregnant again by the 2nd boy. They married at 21 and now at 22 she just had her 3rd child. They struggle but she is a good Mom and is does not seem 22.
My friend would not have chosen this route for her D but realized very soon that she could be angry and disapointed for the path not taken. Or love her D and her grandchildren which is what she has done.
They all live in the same town now. Her husband employs the son in law in his construction company and he is a good worker. They are helping them help themselves. They babysit on occasion but have always been clear they are not daycare.
I would hope my children wait to have children. I would hope I would support them in whatever choice they make.
Also my friend said the first step was getting over the embarrassment of having a child who was pregnant. She was a teacher and her husband a coach and this didn’t happen to people like them.</p>
<p>interesting timing for this thread… one of my daughter’s best friends from high school (18-year old) just had her baby four hours ago. The baby’s father’s parents have done everything to discourage him from any involvement, and shipped him off to college last August. I’ve been told he has been calling her lately, and she has begun talking to him (he was an avid supporter of her early on in the pregnancy until his parents got involved). Also heard he will be arriving back in town tonight from a vacation, and he hasn’t told his parents yet that she delivered. Should be an interesting couple of days.</p>
<p>
True - if she’d have made good decisions she wouldn’t be in this position in the first place. </p>
<p>My sister adopted a baby born to an unwed teen. That child is much better off today than if she’d have been aborted. So is my sister’s family and likely the unwed teen.</p>
<p>Where’d the OP go?</p>