<p>“No need to label as dishonest or disrespectful”</p>
<p>Calling an abortion a miscarriage is dishnonest, disrespectful and harmful on many levels. If abortion is the right choice, then it is apropriae to acknowledge that choice and deal with it honestly.</p>
<p>I agree totally about discussing the implications of being a parent- I certainly would do that. There would be MANY long discussions. My point was that IF the mother (I have two boys) decided to keep the child after all, my support would be no different depending on the circumstances of their birth. Like I said, my kids have an educational fund in their name, so I certainly would not/could not take that away from them. As far as helping with babysitting- yes, I’d do that just like I would if they were in their 30’s. </p>
<p>I’m interested in the grandchild’s welfare- that’s the bottom line. If his life will be better because his parents get degrees, then I support his parents’ getting their degrees.</p>
<p>I think the disconnect here between our attitudes is not necessarily over the age of the mother, but over the level of grandparent participation and support. I come from a family with a history of grandparent involvement- in day care, education, monetary gifts, etc., and I plan on doing the same for my grandchildren as was done for me.</p>
<p>I’ll use this example to make my point- I know lots of grandchildren who are trust fund babies- do their grandparents make a distinction between the grandchild who was born when their kid was 30 and the one who was born when their kid was 18? I wouldn’t make a distinction- I’d do the same thing for all the grandchildren, regardless of the circumstance of their birth.</p>
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<p>Hanna you are absolutely right on this point to as we have all read there are plenty of parent who do everything for their kids and those same kids turn around an spit on them. </p>
<p>No you should not do something to get something in return. We shouldn’t do anything for our children or any one else to get a payoff, because if the gesture really is not coming from your heart, you should nto do it anyway. However, if you have been a loving parents to your child, I think that your chances of having your children be a loving child toward you are stronger than if you are a person who is selfish toward their children or has turned their back on their kids.</p>
<p>When it comes to getting help support from a parent (whether it is financial, emotional or whatever) at what age does it stop. I have plenty of friends who call their parents in times of trouble, whose parents have quit their jobs in order to take care of a child when they returned to work (and some of us have been very vocal in the past about us bad moms who take our kids to day care because if they could not stay home they would only want grandma to take care of their child). So those of us who call on their parents or whose parents help provide a support system for them, does it mean that those people are any less able to care for a child?</p>
<p>Don’t get me wrong having a kid at 18 is hard, having a kid at 30 is hard but once a decision is made, you can’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.</p>
<p>I think it is great that the parents here are very involved and would aid their kids.</p>
<p>My perspective comes from at 23 marrying someone I shouldn’t have been even dating-( because my family liked him- even though he was an abusive alcoholic), getting pregnant and having a child but not being able to even hire someone to babysit so my H & I could go out occasionally ( our parents haven’t been involved- although both sides of the family were taking care of other siblings kids)</p>
<p>I was already employed as a nanny, which was great, because I could take D#1 with me & the kids loved her to death ( the toddler in particular thought she was his baby- and was miffed when she was big enough to nurse instead of giving her a bottle)</p>
<p>But, it has been very hard & I imagine that many teens and young women who become pregnant without being married don’t necessarily have supportive and responsive families in the first place.</p>
<p>That’s why they consciously or subconsciously get pregnant. Because they want someone to love * them*
[Sex</a>, Etc. – Looking For Love: Teen Girls Tell Why They…](<a href=“http://www.sexetc.org/story/teen_parenting/2101]Sex”>http://www.sexetc.org/story/teen_parenting/2101)</p>
<p>Emeraldkity4 you make a great point</p>
<p>I think it is great that the parents here are very involved and would aid their kids.</p>
<p>The problem in this situation, we are all involved, whether we agree or not, but we all have an integral part in our children’s lives, otherwise we would not be on CC, I think people are looking to find reassurance, or confirmation. </p>
<p>The best thing is that everyone here loves their kid…I have more respect for everyone here whatever their opinion is for that reason alone.</p>
<p>Zoosermom - no need to preach. We are all a bit too old for that. Not everyone has same value or definition of honesty.</p>
<p>oldfort - how 'bout the word factual then? There are factual differences between a miscarriage and an abortion… medical and emotional. If there were no difference, then when a woman sees a new gynecologist for the first time, why on the records form do they distinguish between live births and pregnancies (and under pregnancies ask how many abortions, and how many miscarriages). From someone who has had a miscarriage (and almost lost another pregnancy), where I had no choice, it’s very different emotionally. </p>
<p>Most health care professionals refer to a miscarriage as a spontaneous abortion to differentiate it from a chosen abortion because they’re not the same. The results are the same… no pregnancy, but they are different.</p>
<p>teriwtt - yes, we all understand the difference between miscarriage and abortion, even without being a health care professional.<br>
If it must be done, how would you help your kid get over it? By being honest and constantly tell her what a big mistake she’s made and put the fetus in a jar to remind her day in and day out of what happened? Or do you help her take on the emotion of had a miscarriage? I am not even saying that it is possible to make her feel that way. But it beats letting her feel guilty for the rest of life. At 18, they will still take cue from their parents on how they should feel.</p>
<p>teriwtt - you are right that the emotion is different, and that’s why I said “have the abortion and treat it as a miscarriage.” I didn’t say they were the same.</p>
<p>What I’d try to get across is that we make the best decisions we can at the moment, and with the information we have. Once you do that, there’s no reason to feel guilty. I guess there might be parents out there who would ‘constantly’ tell their daughters what a big mistake she’s made (from my viewpoint, it’s not a mistake if made under the before mentioned manner), but I’m not one of them.</p>
<p>However, God forbid that same 18-year old, married and years later, get pregnant and have a miscarriage, I wouldn’t want her to assume it’s the same as an abortion. That’s messing with their minds. If you make the decision to have an abortion, and as long as it’s made with careful consideration of all options, then guilt shouldn’t play a role at any point. Women may question their decision as they grow older and mature, but I stand by my beliefs when decisions like this are made under stress and pressure, but are educated decisions, there’s no reason to feel guilty.</p>
<p>It’s unfair to judge one’s self or another months and years later based on what we know now or what we ‘should’ have known then.</p>
<p>teriwitt - agreed.</p>
<p>“- no need to preach. We are all a bit too old for that. Not everyone has same value or definition of honesty.”</p>
<p>No preaching Olfort. Just reponding to a post. If you don’t want responses, don’t post. That said, I think your suggestion is a dangerous one. A woman in denial about a major life decision is a woman in danger of psyhological problems. I would never be a party to that. </p>
<p>Definitions of honesty? Is that like defining “is?”</p>
<p>" By being honest and constantly tell her what a big mistake "</p>
<p>No, by telling her that she made the best decision she could under difficult circumstances, that you respect her, love her and support her. No decision is healthy that can’t even speak its name.</p>
<p>Grey is this year’s new black.
Need I say more?</p>
<p>If my own D, who is 18, was pregnant, I would first cry (after the initial total shock). Then I would sit down with her & talk to her. She is very intelligent, so I know she would have very logical arguments for whatever she decided to do. I would support her in her decision.</p>
<p>I have had personal experience with people close to me who have made all possible decisions. My best friend growing up had a baby at 16 & kept him. She married the father 2 years later & they are still together after 30 years of marriage. Her son is a fine young man. My now sister-in-law decided to have an abortion when she was pregnant with my brother’s child when she was 17 or so. They did not choose the option lightly, but it was what seemed best to them at the time, for various reasons. My cousin had a baby at 18 & gave the child up for adoption. For her, this was the best alternative. I love and respect all three women, and I would never question their decisions. What they did was right for each of them. Do any of them have regrets? Maybe … but then, many decisions come with regret. We do the best we can at the time & that’s how it goes. All 3 are well adjusted and happy today.</p>
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<p>Having share a car ride with my own cousin who just had an abortion when I was 13 scared the living ***** out of me. Yes I saw the little fetus in a jar. Needless to say I’m prolife. I wouldn’t dare to submit myself to test when I was pregnant with my second child because H & I did not know what to do if the result was not negative. So we decide not to do the test. Lucky for us our D turned out perfect, 10 little toes and 10 little fingers. I would not push for abortion. But I would do everything I can to help my child with her decision. </p>
<p>I’m a nervous wreck as I type to share online this information so this has not been easy for me.</p>
<p>99cents, are you saying she had the aborted fetus in a jar? :eek:</p>
<p>My chaufeur had to bury the fetus. It was done in a backward country.</p>
<p>…holy ****. That is insane.</p>
<p>OMG. Well in the US, they don’t give you the fetus in a jar. Wow. What is the purpose of that? Why can’t I shake the picture in my mind of getting the toothbrush and floss after the dental visit? Did she request the fetus, or is this standard procedure?</p>