To Quit or Not to Quit Boy Scouts

Parent Cafe
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<p>I presume you have resolved your scouting problem with the father-son communication and your son can quit scouts for more time spent in other ways. My son quit cub scouts when he advanced an elementary grade and there was no mechanism for him to be with his grade mates, he was always more interested in the social aspect than the badge earning one, also. He went on to many other activities in middle and HS, including music, academic EC’s and athletics- a far better use of his time than the silly projects required for scouts. Brother’s sons became Eagle Scouts, both joined military after HS instead of going to college- different lifestyles for us siblings.</p>

<p>Not everyone enjoys scouting and there are probably many other activities he can enjoy and his father can find a link with. I also assume his friends are the type you want him to spend time with. He tried scouts, it opened up communication with his father, and now it is time to move on it seems. Good luck to all of your family.</p>

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<p>Ginger, it’s obvious that you and your H love your boy very much and think that scouting has a lot to offer him. I hope you aren’t offended when I say that after reading the above paragraph, it seems that there has been a lot of pressure on your son involving scouts, --the mention of dad backing off badge deadlines, and your feeling the need to say that “whether he makes Eagle or not, you would love and support him.” I’m sure he knows that, but by saying it, you are also reinforcing how important it is to you that he make Eagle. And as far as merit badges go, there is no reason for your husband to be involved at all except for providing transportation and showing an interest in what your son chooses to pursue.</p>

<p>As a former involved scouting parent, I have one suggestion that may seem counter intuitive, but I would suggest that your husband take several steps back from his own investment in scouting. Not only would you son be better off if he paid less attention to your son’s advancement, but your son would be better off it his dad didn’t attend every meeting and help out at as many outings. It’s been my experience (10 years +) that the dads who are the most heavily involved often have the kids who are the least enthusiastic. It kind of becomes dad’s thing, more than the boy’s.</p>

<p>I understand that parent help is necessary to have a functioning troop, but be sure that your son is the main participant in the troop, and not your husband. Otherwise, I don’t see how your son will ever see this activity as his own.</p>

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<p>We have two Eagle Scouts, and one 17 year old who we think will make it to Eagle. They were all involved from Tiger Cubs. I was the Cub Scout mom (active with the den, committee, day camp, advancements, you name it) and when they went into Boy Scouts their father got involved.</p>

<p>In 8th grade our oldest was doing a youth basketball league that took him away from scouts for several weeks. When that obligation was over, he didn’t want to go back to scouts. IMO, it was that he had gotten out of the habit… So I made him go back for a few weeks. His desire to quit disappeared, and he went on from there.</p>

<p>My opinion is this: if there are activities he enjoys, continue in the troop. He doesn’t have to do everything, every weekend. If it’s not his main “thing” it shouldn’t take all his free time. He doesn’t have to earn Eagle this year. My boys continued to participate, sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, all the way through high school. It’s not an all-or-nothing proposition, even if they have Eagle Scout as their eventual goal. They can get more involved, and then back off when other obligations get “hot.” My youngest is in HS wrestling. He is going to (FINALLY!!!) finish his Personal Fitness merit badge once wrestling conditioning starts. You CAN kill two birds with one stone on a lot of the BSA requirements.</p>

<p>I have to say that when my two oldest headed off to college, the stuff they had learned through scouting (including multiple high adventure trips) made me very relaxed about their being able to take care of themselves away from home.</p>

<p>My oldest almost didn’t make Eagle. He turned 18 the August after high school graduation, and the clock was SERIOUSLY ticking. It is now the accomplishment of which he is MOST proud. Why did he finish it? Several of the younger scouts, at some event, realized that he was thinking about giving up. Their shock and encouragement (by this time senior year and college applications had taken all the “push” out of me - he could get it or not, but it was HIS thing, and I wasn’t gonna push him to do it) pushed him to finish all his requirements and earn that rank.</p>

<p>Do talk to the leadership. If the current troop doesn’t fit your son’s style, try to find one that does.</p>

<p>Then, if that doesn’t work, let him quit. There are other accomplishments of which to be proud.</p>

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<p>Youdon’tsay -
When my first son earned his Eagle, everyone said, “One down, two to go!” Then DS2 earned his, and it was “Two down, one to go!!!” AARRGH!!!</p>

<p>I will be SOOOOOOOOOO glad when DS3 (who WANTS to earn his Eagle rank) FINALLY does so. I am just plain tired. Thank God DH is doing the Scouting thing. I’m in charge of college applications and senior year. Lord, lord. Empty nest, here I come. Just hope I live that long.</p>

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<p>mom2three, Scouts is the one thing I DON’T do and never have. I do sports and school and all the driving around, so I have left Scouting to my son and dh. I think that’s why I’m so excited about his Eagle project. I’ve had nothing to do with it, so it’s really fun to see it shape up so nicely. He’s opting to do several smaller days and had two this weekend. I took a nap yesterday but actually signed in and worked today.</p>

<p>I had really hoped that the project would be done by the end of the summer, but the bureaucracy slowed everything down. The goal now is to have the work done by the end of October and have his writeup and such done in November and get his Eagle review done in December. Junior year is tough enough without all this extra stuff added to it.</p>

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<p>Good luck to your son, Youdon’tsay. And Congratulations!</p>

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<p>youdon’t say…count your blessings! Junior year is a triumph for completing your Eagle…although I concur it is a hard year academically for all.
Our sons both managed to be doing their Eagles up until the last minute of their early senior fall birthdays…but to add to the drama this time…son number two is also working on six other projects, and he might as well drop out of something as the entire year will be full of Eagle Scout weekend work.
Scouting is NOT the most meaningful activity in our family, and we all have some ambivalence about components of it…but I will take off my hat while watching my son show up and work on six community projects because he cares about the boys he grew up with and wants each of them to succeed and to feel proud of themselves. Seabase and Philmont are fantastic adventures and I have to admit our son, who is not a gung ho Scout…grew up a lot working on Eagle Projects, assuming responsibility, taking initiative and basically leaving on a “good note” with the group of young men and their fathers who completed the years of outings and challenges. Even though in balance, Scouts was a positive for our family, I am completely in support of quitting and moving on to things that any boy truly wants to invest time in. So many other ways to achieve the same positives exist, and I would never advocate touting Scouts when a boy is bored with it and wants to stop.</p>

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<p>“The majority here seems to feel like we should let him quit and I can genuinely see their point of view. However, whatever happened to “parents know best”?”</p>

<p>He’s gonna quit anyway - the only question is whether it is at 12, 14, 17, or 46. Parents MAY know best, but there is more value in allowing youth the independence to make “mistakes” and learn from them. (Just put a dollar in the therapy fund for every dollar in the college one.)</p>

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<p>Thanks, y’all. Both days went really well. I think doing it the way he is, with more, smaller days, is probably less stressful as there’s no feeling of a drop-dead date of when it has to get done.</p>

<p>Faline, we had two boys here yesterday who are in various stages behind him in his Eagle and four boys Saturday, one of whom has his Eagle. I like how there’s a camaraderie among all the guys. Kind of a “we’ll all be here someday – or we’ve been here already – and know how stressful it is, so let’s help each other out.” I think it helped that his project involves a lot of building, and what boy doesn’t want to hammer or drill something???</p>

<p>I am blessed that my son is good at time mgmt. So far, I haven’t gotten word that anything is falling trough the cracks, be it school, Eagle project, work, ECs. Once his Eagle is over, junior year will feel like a breeze – well, until April, when all those APs hit. But let’s not worry too far out. :)</p>

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<p>As an Eagle, I would advise you to let him quit if he is not enjoying it. I wanted to quit when I was about 5 months in and tried again about 2 years later because I absolutely hate it. My parents wouldnt let me, they would punish me if I even thought of quiting and when I mentioned other ECs I could do they looked down on me saying I would just quit that as well. I was forced to go through the whole program, my parent like it more than me, and they still making me go to meetings and campouts after I have earned the rank. My advice would be to help him find something else he enjoys instead of making him do something he does not like.</p>

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<p>Polihist…I hope you will parent your sons differently, and help any children you have find their way with a lighter touch as a parent. Every child is so unique and has their own path in life to find and follow.</p>

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<p>:p I made a lot of grammar mistakes in my last post</p>

<p>Yes. I’ve taken note of this already to not treat my children the same way when it comes to what they enjoy. One of things I noticed during my board is that they were trying to get me to say I would make my son get involved in scouting when they asked about my long term commitments as an eagle to scouting.</p>

<p>Also something else I forgot to mention to the OP which I think is really important. If you make your child go through with it and force him get eagle then it’ll only feel like a hollow accomplishment which wont feel special to him at all, the parents yes, but him no.</p>

<p>Another thing parents often do with their child is fill them up with tales of people,employers, colleges handing them all the joys of life on a silver platter. The only people who will care about someone being an eagle IS another eagle or someone who is involved with scouting</p>

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<p>I am wrestling with this very issue as well </p>

<p>My S is 13, starting Grade 7 and wants to quit scouts. My older 15 y/o S felt same way at same age. He worked through it (okay, we made him stay) and is now SPL and OA and working on life rank (a condition of his going to Philmont in '09), but he has a couple of good friends in the troop. Younger S has friends in the troop, but they are not close. His reasons for quitting are that it is no fun, he doesn’t like the new scout master, and he just doesn’t like it anymore. Yet I get mixed messages from him. At the end of summer camp,he had such a great time, he wanted to see if he could advance quickly enough to out rank his brother. </p>

<p>I want him to stay with it, but I’m questioning my motivation. I am troop committee chair and have invested a lot of time in the troop with activities, etc. I also believe scouting develops a lot of useful life skills and have lots of reasons he should stay. My H and I were leaning toward the ‘make him do it’ philosophy, but knowing his personality (headstrong and determined) I wasn’t looking forward to the power struggle and poor attitude at events. </p>

<p>After reading all the posts, our plan now is to back off on events and meetings, encourage him to finish the 2 merit badges he has started, and let him make the final decision this winter when we recharter. He will also need to be involved in some other EC. Knowing our youngest S, he will quit if we make him stay, he may stay if we let him quit.</p>

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<p>Both of my sons came up through cub scouts (I was den leader for S2 and active in the pack committee) and both went onto Boy Scouts. I was Committee Chair of the troop when S2, in 7th grade, a first class scout and already elected to OA, decided it was time to quit. He enjoyed the other scouts but had no friends in the troop, which was very important to him. We did allow him to quit, but he was also involved in church activities, team sports and music through school, so no lack of ECs.</p>

<p>S1 also eventually quit scouts…during his senior year, after serving as ASPL for two years and as Junior Assistant Scoutmaster for 1. He had also made Brotherhood level of OA, and completed all of the requirements for Eagle except the actual application and BOR. The reasons were very specific and made sense for him. I believe that at both ages they knew what was best for them and I’m glad we did not force them to participate in an activity that they no longer connected with.</p>

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<p>both of my sons have been in boy scouts 1st grade. My oldest has just finished his eagle service project and has been made to jump through so may hoops it has become a joke. 99% of the older boys in the troop have a father who is part of the “inner circle” of the troop. It is so obvious that there are two different standards --one for those whose fathers are " in the circle" and one for those boys whose fathers are not. This is a situation that unfortunately is very common in our area. My oldest has now received a letter from his scout master threatening that at this point the scout master would deny my son the final scout master conference because the scout master does not feel my son is demonstrating the scout spirit. The letter gives no specific examples for this feeling and basically states that he could derail my sons attempt to receive his eagle rank. Any suggestions on any recourse we could have should this scout master refuse to sign off on the scout master conference for eagle? PS my son is an honors student with membership in 4 honor societies in high school and holds leadership positions in 2 of the honor societies and is in the top 10% of his graduating class.</p>

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<p>Timely bump as my son finally finished the work on his Eagle this past weekend. He still has some work to do on the writeup, but that’ll be easy for him. I am quite proud of him, and he’s proud of himself.</p>

<p>midsummer, sorry he’s having such trouble. We have some Eagle experts on here so let’s keep this bumped and someone, hopefully, will notice it and give you advice.</p>

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<p>mdsummer45:</p>

<p>I know in Girl Scouts it’s possible to do the Gold Award without being in a troop. If your S and you are fed up with the way this troop is being run you might want to see if he can quit the troop and complete his Eagle on his own.</p>

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<p>Boy Scouts are tricky because they are supposed to be “boy led” but if you get a few strong minded adults in there, they can pretty much set the rules and do tend to work right with the boys and not the parents and that’s why youdon’tsay is in such an awkward position.</p>

<p>My suggestion is to have your son write a letter back to the Scoutmaster and ask for specific things he can do to show his scout spirit. If he doesn’t get a detailed response, I would have you or your husband jump in.</p>

<p>I remember my son had to run the entertainment part of the red-white banquet one year to show “leadership”. I thought it was silly at the time, but turned out to be a good idea and did help my son work on leadership skills that came in handy for his Eagle project.</p>

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<p>Thank you kathiep and all-- That is exactly what my son plans to do. The sad part of this is that in the letter my son received from the scout master states–“Please do not have your parents contact me about this specific issue.” This troop is “boy led” but the poor SPL are "strongly encouraged "to follow the suggestions of the adult leaders, although the adults would absolutely deny this happens. But, as you know the boys talk to each other and they know. I’ll keep watching this post and I do appreciate all the comments and suggestions.</p>

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<p>midsummer:
Contact your District Executive and explain the situation. If you are not familiar with the professional scout hierarchy: your Council is likely divided into regional Districts and each district will have a professional (paid) District Executive, who administers all scouting in your area. They are a great source for troop leaders and volunteers as well as parents. Check your Council website for contact information.</p>

<p>When I was Troop Committee Chair, I discovered that there are alternative paths to Eagle, as well as appeal procedures for all portions of the process. You may also want to have your son contact the District Eagle Advisor/Coordinator/Rep. All of these adults are in scouting to assist young men and will be very happy to help guide you.</p>