I think for childbirth the first is probably the worst. The second one, mom know what to expect. I wonder if that lessens the pain perspective.
Romani, it sounds terrifying but it’s actually really cool. 
(the gymnast-within part).
When I gave birth, they gave me the option to have a mirror placed so I could watch. No thanks! I was afraid I would pass out if I watched. I can’t even watch when blood is drawn from my arm.
Mom knows to expect that it’s going to hurt like hell. I don’t see how that could make anticipating the second time easier.
If the second time is easier (as it was for me), I suspect it’s because the woman’s body has already been stretched once in all the necessary ways. It may be easier for that to happen the second time than it was the first time.
My second was harder because I knew what to expect. I wanted DH in the room with #1 but we felt like the classes set him up for a fall. He was lead to believe that he could be helpful and comforting and as it turned out I just wanted him to shut up and sit in the corner. With #2 we were both happy for him to be down the hall until the moment of truth and my sister was with me for the rest of it.
I’m glad the mirror part was not suggested to me. I have trouble when blood is drawn on my arm too.
Honestly, the best thing for me was that when the intensity of contractions got very strong, my mind decided to pretend I was meditating (which I did in law school). It made a world of difference. I don’t do well on anesthesia and it makes me nauseous. I could hear other women around me yelling, screaming and cursing their partners but I didn’t have the energy or inclination. It honestly was fine once my mind put me into a meditative state.
WIth D, I think it was faster and easier because the body remembered what to do. D was born within an hour or two after we go to the hospital. I had to walk down 6 flights of stairs because the elevator was broken and then H drove us the block and a half to the hospital. With S, we caught the elevator and walked the block & a half to the hospital.
I honestly think D may have been born in the elevator if we hadn’t walked down the stairs. The power to our apartment building went out just as my mom arrived to watch S so we could go to the hospital and I could give birth to D. the power was still out when H got back to our place after D had been delivered! Fortunately for mom, the power came on just as she was getting ready to leave our place.
Allow me to be the minority voice here … Did these women know you were going to dip out on them because it was “too intense”? Yes, of course, how you are as a father is more important, blahblahblah, but you helped create these babies and then left their moms alone at the hospital? You think it wasn’t intense for them, too?
Both were induced due to size and lateness. IV at 7am and baby around dinner time. No fun at all! No gentle pre-labor. They crank it up and away we go. #1 was sunny side up back labor with no drugs. When I was only 4 cm by 3pm with #2 I opted for the epidural knowing what was still ahead. It was a bad idea as I reacted very poorly to it with precipitous drop in BP and vomiting. Ugh. Hubbie cut the cord with both and sister was in there palpating the placenta with #2 (out of town with #1). She tried to hand it to DH and he blanched and couldn’t back away fast enough.
At any rate . . . I decided then that we’d stop at 2. I wouldn’t willingly do it again.
That’s why I asked what I did in post 2. Is there any anger/regret/sadness on the part of the women that you weren’t there (it’s not clear to me if this is the same woman both times). If they were fine, then cool beans. If not, then maybe there’s something to work through.
Sometimes, the expectant father has no choice but to be present. Two real-life stories from H’s colleagues and friends:
(1) Husband is a physician, wife is a nurse, second pregnancy: W has been having intermittent discomfort, not at all unusual during late pregnancy obviously. Water breaks, H&W get first child to neighbor’s house, drive to hospital. It’s rush hour traffic, of course. Half way to the hospital and in bad traffic, W tells H to pull over to nearest parking lot. Baby is born 10 minutes later in car while parked in supermarket parking lot. H had not delivered a baby since 3rd year medical school OB-GYN rotation. Turns out W had been in slow-progressing back labor for past two days. She had no idea. It was nothing like her first labor and delivery.
(2) Husband is a physician, wife is a physician, second pregnancy: W goes into labor. They wait until contractions are regular to set off for hospital because she had a couple of false starts for her first childbirth so she wanted to avoid being sent home. They drop the first child off at babysitter’s and head to hospital. She progresses from regular contractions to crowning between the time they leave the house to parking the car at the hospital. They barely got her into the delivery room before the baby was delivered. They just took her clothes off; no time for pain relief, etc. W told me it felt like she was being ripped in two while they were driving because things were progressed so quickly. W was advised that she needs to be prepared for very fast labor if they decided to have a 3rd child.
When these friends told H and me their stories, I almost blurted out, “you guys are physicians???” Nature makes no exceptions for anyone.
My wife had precipitous labor, meaning she started labor and almost immediately went into delivery mode. First time was a huge surprise, from start of contractions to 1 minute apart in under 20 minutes, drive at high speed in the dark, left the car in the hospital entrance (they moved it for me and gave me the keys), and then had to hold on until the doctor could arrive. Baby almost squirted out. After that, we got to the hospital at the first signs. Only bad thing: the nurse midwife who assisted on the 2nd was extremely anti-male and made a bunch of nasty comments about husbands. I should have reported her.
Only oddity: one kid came out early and was so densely covered in that cheese-like vernix she couldn’t be cleaned completely. It was a bit like holding a big log of goat cheese.
It really depends. For my first I was in Germany and had a 24 hour labor - about 12 hours in the hospital. (Special one just for women.) My regular doctor had done all the pre-birth checkups, and I was suppose to meet the OB that week, but the kid had other ideas, arrived three weeks early.
Second labor was entirely different. It seemed much worse because they estimated I would be there for six hours or so, and I wasn’t that far along when I arrived. Instead he was born within two hours of contractions starting a water breaking. I had a midwife in the hospital which I thought was the best of both worlds.
DH was there for both of them, but I agree with others, while it was nice to have him there, how he was as a father to the kids was far more important.
Great point, YDS.
If my DH chickened out of being there for the delivery of DS#1, there would have been no DS#2. I’d have killed him! b-(
Honestly, I can’t imagine H not being there for the birth of our two kids. It was never something that we discussed or anticipated and he wanted to be there as much as I wanted him to be by my side. That said, if he couldn’t be present due to some unforeseen circumstance, we would have proceeded anyway. Being a great dad once the baby is born is far more important than whether the dad was there at the exact moment of the birth, as others have said.
I simply can’t imagine my spouse making an excuse to to be there to support his wife and participate. Many participate in the LaMaze classes and need to be there as a coach. Sure, if an emergency came up or there was absolutely no one able to attend to an other child, there can be reasons to miss it (many military miss their kids’ births), but hopefully the relationship would be strong in other areas to weather how the mom might feel that her husband bailed on the birth.
My second one was easier because I knew to ask for the epidural sooner.
This has been a really interesting thread for me so thanks to all for sharing. My wife isn’t … let’s see what word do I want here? She isn’t tough on me at all. I get free passes all the time for wimping out and dipping out and chickening out or whatever you want to call it. She’s just too nice to even go there.
I probably wouldn’t be so accommodating if the roles were reversed reminding me of that old joke, it might’ve been a Damon Wayans routine about how his wife would love him no matter what even if he lost his legs. But, if she lost her legs he’d be like, “hey baby lets go dancing … oh, sorry.” The old double standard at its best.
I just asked her about S2’s birth. When she was 10 years old she told me that there were complications when he was born and for some reason she never told me anything about it. So just now I asked again what had happened. She said that the baby wasn’t coming out for whatever reason (he was premature and probably underdeveloped). So they pulled him out with some sort of tool and rushed him out of the room. She was half knocked out or whatever.
Then she said a few days later they informed her that the baby was doing much better and was out of the incubator. She didn’t really know what they meant. She didn’t really process what they were saying and again there is a language barrier since she speaks mostly spanish. Eventually, one of the nurses told her that S2 was not breathing on his own at first. His lungs were not developed. That is why they rushed him out of the room.
So just now we both joked around with S2 who is on the couch playing video game soccer. He is having a relax day. Pretty normal healthy 17 year old now. I would not have handled any of this particularly well, had I been standing there watching it all unfold, so it is probably good I was in the dark about it until much much later. You have to admire nature’s grand plan in designing all this. As I said in my OP, it is meant to be brutal, not so much for chickens like me, I ran away, but nature has planned it in such a way that you will be emotionally invested 110% 99.9% of the time. You must take it seriously. There is no way to blow it off. You now have an awesome responsibility ready or not.
No one said life was easy. Tough it up. I didnt like having to tend to things with my dad when he was in the hospital and dying, but it was done out of love and caring. Would not have chosen to have had some of those experiences, but it comes with the job description, IMO.