<p>also, Mimi, she’s not physically abusive anymore, not much, anyway, because she knows I can defend myself against her now. Its all verbal, and its like a really loud fly that won’t go away. Again, her mood swings are crazy.</p>
<p>During dinner, which is always the worst times, she complains about aches and pains she has and that all of that comes from being upset with me.</p>
<p>um…</p>
<p>Even if you can tread water for the next year, I continue to be concerned, especially considering the process of applying to colleges. A lot of cooperative communication needs to occur - or rather - typically does occur - between parents and sons and daughters during this time. Are you going to be able to count on her cooperation in getting your FAFSA and other documents in on time? If not, can you rely on your father 100%? </p>
<p>And what about things like mail? What will happen when very important mail begins to arrive from colleges, especially acceptance letters, requests for missing documents, invites to accepted students days, etc.? Are you fairly sure that you will receive all of your mail? You can almost sort of tell which way your admissions decisions are going even before offical acceptance letters come, just by the mail that begins to arrive. I don’t want to be unnecessarily alarmist, but, even well intended parents can get a bit excited over a piece of mail, and place unfortunate calls to admissions offices, etc. These are almost always universally harmless, but…I’m considering your post about your high school counselor, and wondering just how difficult this could become for you in the days ahead. Does it make any sense to consider renting a P.O. box for college mail specific to your applications?</p>
<p>Duckie,
my heart breaks as I read about your situtation. I’m glad to hear you have friends that support you. You don’t have to stay in the house with your mother until you are 18. Two years ago I helped two girls whose father was abusive. They both escaped to my house and ended up living with a grandmother for a brief time. One became an emancipated minor at 17. A counselor at her high school helped her become emancipated. She was accepted to a college, received a great financial aid package. She however decided that she wasn’t prepared for college and took a job in NYC and has happily escaped her family and is doing well. There are options in your situtaion. Take care & stay safe.</p>
<p>Hi again, Duckie,</p>
<p>My concerns for your physical and emotional safety persist. The fact that your mother is no longer physically abusive “at least not much” is not that reassuring, and I share latetoschool’s concerns about how the increasingly intense anxiety surrounding your actual college application and admissions process may push your mom further over the edge. </p>
<p>There is a stereotype of Asian parents being more intense than others around academic achievement, and in many families I’m sure that this stereotype rings true, but having slightly different cultural norms does not give parents a free pass on child abuse; I suspect that parents from ALL ethnic groups on this board are cringing at the thought of parents who have a history of hitting their kids uncontrollably in anger (who only stop when the kids are large enough to defend themselves) or threatening to stab them with knives because of less than perfect report cards. This is NOT what typical Asian parents do. Your situation is not normal, not acceptable in ANY American ethnic community, and is not your fault. The fact that you are not the absolutely perfect straight A totally driven student is not what is making your mom behave this way.</p>
<p>I want to continue to urge you to take the next step and get yourself some counseling asap. I know that you are a strong kid and that you have been coping without it, but it would be so much better for you if you had some outside support. All over California, there are counseling centers specificaly dedicated to helping Asian and Pacific Island families and youth in ways that are sensitive to and respectful of cultural differences. I wanted to post some of the resources here so that you could check them out.</p>
<p>If you are in Los Angeles County, there are many different clinics from Long Beach to Cerritos to the San Fernando Valley through the Asian Pacific Counseling and Treatment Centers. You can find them at <a href=“http://www.apctc.org/locations.htm[/url]”>www.apctc.org/locations.htm</a>. Also, there is a clinic near the airport through Pacific Asian Counseling Services that you can find at <a href=“http://www.wrapfs.org/about.html[/url]”>www.wrapfs.org/about.html</a>.</p>
<p>In Alameda County, I believe in Oakland only, but there may be satellite clinics, there is Asian Pacific Psychological Services at <a href=“http://www.appsweb.org%5B/url%5D”>www.appsweb.org</a>.</p>
<p>And if you are in the San Gabriel Valley, there is the Asian Pacific Family Center at 9353 East Valley Blvd., Rosemead, CA. Their phone number is (626) 287-2988.</p>
<p>Every single one of these centers deals with child abuse in its target population. Many of them have specific programs and counselors for teenagers.</p>
<p>If I didn’t come up with a center near where you live, please post your county (or several counties if that makes you more comfortable) and we’ll come up with a counseling center near you. Also, there are many centers geared to specific Asian groups, such as centers for Korean, Thai, and Chinese families, some with an emphasis on supporting first generation immigrants. If you’d like me to post clinics dedicated to a specific group (or groups), just say the word.</p>
<p>I believe that any good counselor from any background with whom you have rapport will be able to help, but maybe a counselor who has a background in your specific Asian-American community will be able to help you separate out cultural factors from the abusive craziness you are experiencing in a way that will have more credibility and meaning for you. If you would like names and locations for community clinics, including university-based clinics, near you that don’t have a specific Asian-American mission, just say so and give me a general idea of where you are, and I’ll post.</p>
<p>Do you have access to a car or to public transportation that could get you to a clinic or to a friend’s house?</p>
<p>Please stay active on this board and let us know what is happening and what we can do for you in terms of finding resources that can help you face-to-face.</p>
<p>It’s a tough situation for the kid. Even kids who are neglected and terribly abused, often have strong attachments to their parents, and just cannot bear to turn them in to the authorities and become an emancipated minor. Many adults (abused women, terribly abused women) cannot make that move.<br>
The system does not alway work well either. Some years back, a young lady we knew turned in her parents. Don’t know the details, stepdad involved, and child services did remove the child. She was put in some foster home, some more problems there, and stuck into a terrible school. Her private school that she loved was not about to let her attend without the $$$. She recanted her complaints to get back with her parents, school, neighborhood, friends. Things still did not improve for her; they got worse initially after her return, and she paid dearly for her move. There is a big gap between getting killed/horribly maimed and most inappropriate parental behaviours. There is not line of demarcation as to when it is more harmful to stay than to leave. It is not as though a paradise awaits you when you are removed from your parents, and there can be new abuses waiting in the wings.<br>
It is also pretty danged tough when you are 18 and on your own because you made that split with your family. Especially if they were going to pay for your college, and you could have been free at that point. It is true that if the abuse is getting into life threatening areas, it is not worth anything to stay, but when does that occur? Sometimes it is clear. Most of the time it is not. Many parents “abuse” their kids at times, particularly according to the kids.</p>
<p>My mother has always been quick to anger, this is her way of showing concern. Just at first she was talking to me about how I won’t get into any college but city college, and then 5 minutes later, she tells me she hopes i can get into at least Berkeley. Its always like that. THe purpose of me making this board, was to ask parents if their way of expressing concern was also the screaming yelling and annoying stuff.</p>
<p>The only thing I have to worry about is her stressing me out and her ****ing me off.</p>
<hr>
<p>As I have said, what’s there to report? Absolutely nothing. You can’t win that way. The only way I am able to free myself is to get into the college I want to go to shut her up. </p>
<p>To all who think that this isn’t ‘normal’, trust me, in a school like mine where the asian population exceeds 70%, not having parents like these is considered ‘not normal’.
TRUST ME.</p>
<p>I will keep you guys updated on my progress in terms of applications, my mother’s attitude, and what nots; you guys have helped me a lot, thank you!</p>
<p>So nonphysically abusive parents are an oddity at your school?</p>
<p>That’s a little disturbing.</p>
<p>that is disturbing.</p>
<p>Duckie,
you ask, what is there to report?<br>
& that is just a start.<br>
Reporting is not an easy thing to do. & yes, CPS may do nothing. Or they may take action. I helped 2 teenager girls report their abusive father about a year and a half ago and so I know how difficult it can be. Their father had punched one of them in the face(this was following months of verbal abuse & months of neglect). The Oakland PD’s first response was “a father has a right to discipline his children”. One of the girls looked the officer in the eye and responded “so you’re just going to come back after he kills us?” The Oakland PD backed off quickly. The girls ended up with a grandmother. The grandmother’s was not the best situation but it was not an abusive situation.<br>
Abuse is not acceptable. It doesn’t matter if you are Asian, African American, Hispanic, or Caucasian. It doesn’t matter if 100% of the kids at your school are abused. Abuse is not acceptable.<br>
Make a plan which includes writing down the verbal and physical abuse when it happens(note what happened and the date), seek help, no matter what happened before when you contacted CPS, you don’t need to apologize to your mother(and you shouldn’t have been asked to apologize then. A more appropriate response would have been for her to say she was sorry you were so frightened that you felt the need to report. She owes you an apology. And you deserve respect, kindess and people who will support your dreams and aspirations.</p>
<p>Flamingduckie:</p>
<p>While many of your classmates may get pressured by their parents, I doubt many of them get threatened the way you have been by your mom. I don’t know enough about your home situation to advise whether or not to report your mom. But I have to wonder about your dad. Why he is asking you to stick it out instead of getting your mom to stop threatening you, badgering you? She does sound like she needs help if she has these uncontrollable mood swings. So why is he not getting her some help? Are there other adults you can talk to?</p>
<p>I do think you should keep track of what your mom does and says. Even if you do not choose to report her, having evidence of her erratic behavior may be very helpful in getting help for yourself and for her. Your mom’s behavior is entirely inappropriate and cannot be explained by her being Asian.</p>
<p>duckie,</p>
<p>I am sooo sorry that you have to put up with this outrageous behavior. Has your dad (or someone else) witnessed this behavior? </p>
<p>Did your mom ever actually confront your school counselor (or is she just a bully who wouldn’t actually do/say anything like that to someone who could really have her arrested? ) If she has only “threatened” to yell at the school counselor, then I would still try to arrange a meeting. </p>
<p>Your mom is a bully and it is unlikely she will misbehave in front of a counselor (especially if the counselor could arrange for another counselor to be present, also.). </p>
<p>Bullies like your mom like to “talk tough”, but usually when they are confronted by authorities (like the school’s counselors), they fold like a cheap suit. YOur mom knows that she can get away with her behavior with you. She’s able to control it around others (otherwise, she’d have been put in jail a long time ago.)</p>
<p>Before such a meeting occurs, you need to give a “heads up” to the counselor. Tell her that your mom is putting too much pressure on you about the UC schools and that she threatens to only let you go to city college if you don’t get in. Let the counselor know ahead of time that she/he may have to deal with a hothead. That way, he/she can arrange to have another adult there, too (another counselor, a Vice principal, etc).</p>
<p>Another thought.</p>
<p>If I were you, I would contact the Dr. Phil Show. He is always looking for new topics and I’ve never seen him do a show on this topic. He would be interested in your story because he hates to see kids verbally or physically abused. If you can get his show’s attention, he will stop your mom!! </p>
<p>Go to drphil.com and go to the section about wanting to be on the show. Then, post your story and give your contact info.</p>
<p>With all due respect, I think that the last thing this young girl would want would be to have her family issues aired on national television. I realize that shows like Dr. Phil do feature these sort of situations, but most children with abusive family situations feel acutely embarrassed by the situation. It probably takes all the courage this girl can muster to post on this board, where at least she is protected by an element of anonymity.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that all is not black and white. Despite the emotional and sometimes physical abuse, Duckie probably loves her mother and wishes they could have a better, more normal relationship. I think she would fare best if she can get help in a private or somewhat confidential setting, such as through a counseling agency.</p>
<p>If this girl were to get on Dr. Phil, she could have her identity hidden – it’s done all the time, especially for kids. </p>
<p>the reason i suggested Dr. Phil as a possibility is because this kid needs a man to stand up to this mom (obviously, the dad is worthless in this area).<br>
This mom needs a man, a big man, to get into her face and tell her that she is wrong and that this behavior is going to stop – right now!</p>
<p>The mother needs help and Dr. Phil would get that for her. Yes, duckie loves her mom, and may want a normal relationship with her. Bby getting her mom some help, they may have such in the future. </p>
<p>However, don’t forget that if Duckie is under 18 (likely) a counselor is obligated to report the mom (after hearing about the abuse). Because of that, her parents are not going to let her go to a counselor.</p>
<p>Hmmm…I find Dr. Phil absolutely slimy, sleazy, appalling and disgusting, and cannot imagine why anyone pays him the slightest attention, and certainly do not think his entry into this matter can bring about anything good for anyone. </p>
<p>This mom needs professional, credentialed help, guidance, counseling, support, maybe even medical intervention, and perhaps to receive some nurturing of her own. And I do not view the father as “worthless” - he’s probably doing all he can to earn a living, keep the household together, and provide support wherever possible.</p>
<p>you will feel differently. I am not saying what your mom did was right. But I can sure you, she’s hurting more than you are capable of imagining. Do yourself a favor by saving your posts about your mother to a file and read it when you have children. My heart bleeds for your mother. If she was my sister, I’d tell her to just completely ignore you on the college thing and go on with her life. If she really wants to have a car ride, just put her behind the wheel to where ever she likes to go and I am sure, what ever she picks would be better than a college tour, especially with a kid who has the mind of yours. I didn’t mean to insult any one. If I did, I am sorry.</p>
<p>No 2yuexue. I don’t think you insulted anyone at all. In fact, I was just about to post something like your post. Obviously the mom is up against some huge fear or maybe a combination of huge fears.</p>
<p>Counseling could help. But the problem with counseling is that the person who needs it often wont get it. I suspect if duckie even approached her mom about getting help, the mom would hit the roof. This poor lady is being driven by a lot of fear and desperation. Probably the reason she swerved like she did was because some particular fear hit her mind and she thought she just HAD to lay down the line for the kid so that the big fear could be avoided. She likely isnt in a state of mind where she can be all that reasonable. And her husband seems to have decided the best way to deal with it is with passivity. I say, if duckie has a tender moment with the mom, then maybe then is when she might bring up counseling. But I wouldnt get my hopes up too high on getting good results from this.</p>
<p>Were I duckie, I myself would seek someone from the clergy or a doctor, just to let me vent and maybe resolve stuff that might come back later to dig at me. The last thing I would do is let myself get too isolated so that this mess gets under my skin and I fail to deal with it. A lot of folks can stuff anger for years, and function just fine in a mild state of depression, then <strong>SNAP</strong>, they suddenly find themselves sitting on the side of their bed crying uncontrollably, and not really knowing why. Forget that mess. Get help while youre young, and while most of your life is just sitting there waiting for you to get out there and live it.</p>
<p>I’ve said this before on this forum. I work and have a close relationship with Chinese-Americans in their 40’s. They have had similar parenting to what is described here. They now have relationships with their parents that are both more distant and closer overall than what I am familiar with in American WASP families. i.e., the adult children take more responsibility for the security of their parents, and yet voice less fondness and spend less time voluntarily with the parents. I sometimes feel that the people I know have been wounded by their parenting - and yet they are highly succesful individuals. Who are we to understand another culture, and yet, something about mothers and fathers who repeatedly shame their children, refer all the time to the parents’ own suffering to provoke guilt, and then also require a good deal of support when the kids are adult, well, it goes against my grain too.</p>
<p>I am 100% sure that this model is not universal and that there is wide variance in parenting in Chinese-American families. It is just that this particular model doesn’t seem to be completely random or rare, and it is difficult to comprehend from my background.</p>
<p>The parenting I am familiar with has its own shortcomings. Just different ones.</p>
<p>Alu:</p>
<p>I just don’t know of parents of any ethnicity who threaten to kill their kids if they don’t get into a particular college? Throw them out of the house? Yep, I’ve heard that, and not just from Asian parents. But not killing the kids.</p>
<p>You know, marite, that’s true. I know they were beaten all the time, with a feather duster, actually. At one lunch conversation people were comparing - what were you beaten with? What were you beaten with? Feather dusters won. But it is possible that none of them were ever told they would be killed. Worthless, stupid, a bad child, not worthy of the blood spilled at their birth, but maybe never about to be killed. Probably I will ask them this question.</p>