<p>Corporal punishment is accepted in many cultures. In my French high school, corporal punishment was banned, but some students were made to wear a dunce cap for various infractions, including being stupid. I don’t know whether it was an improvement over being beaten.</p>
<p>The reality of this situation is that the girl will, most likely, repeat the whole situation with her own children. Only one difference: she is going to be an abusive mother this time. That is the reason why this particular trandition of parenting has been alive for millenia. And, by the way, the girl would probably find her daughter-mother relationship perfectly normal if she lived in China.</p>
<p>In my experience there is wide variance on whether those people now parenting having experienced this model from their parents replicate. Some continue, thinking it has worked for thousands of years. Some do their absolute best to change.</p>
<p>But she doesn’t live in China, does she?</p>
<p>I know she won’t turn into her mother. You won’t, will you?</p>
<p>Yes, in my opinion she sould not turn her mother in. I am pretty sure she knows that mother trully wants the best for her, but because of the traditions/culture/personality just cannot express it in a reasonable and constructive way.
The real question should be: is the mother supportive just as she is demanding? It looks to me that she is (she did take her daughter to a college to visit, for example).
There are too many parents who do not care - so who is in better shape?
And, btw, I am not asian.</p>
<p>I just stumbled across this thread. I wish I had found it earlier. Perhaps I could have had something useful to say to the young person in question.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, I have had a belly full of experience with child abuse. In fact, I’ve had so much experience that I absolutely hate the word “abuse,” because it masks the real words we should be using like “rape,” “torture,” and “emotional stripping.” One can abuse a machine by not changing the oil often enough. “Abuse” is a milquetoast word fighting a bully of a problem.</p>
<p>I did my post-grad clinical work with both children and adults who were the victims of rape, torture, and emotional stripping. I was drawn to the field, at the time, by my own, personal experience with broken bones, second degree burns, purple-scarred buttocks, fat lips, capped teeth, torn orifices, internal bleeding, ruptured organs, and concussions … all caused, of course, by accidents (my, what a clumsy child I must have been).</p>
<p>If I sound bitter about all this, it’s because I am. I always will be. It’s the nature of the beast.</p>
<p>First off, for all of you who feel that child beating is “unusual” or “not normal,” all I can say is, “Get a clue!” There are still many, many places in America where, on a fine summer’s day, one can hear the screams of children in their open-windowed dwellings rising and falling to the rhythm of a belt, or switch, or cane, or clothes hanger, or lamp cord, or yardstick, or club, hairbrush, or anything else an angry parent can get his or her (and yes, there are a LOT of hers) on. And no one raises a finger to help those children. No one even thinks about it. After all, we must not spare the rod and spoil the child, n’est pas? It’s a family matter. Right? In many places, welts and bruises on a child win the parents praise for being “strict.” Those parents often win further praise because their cowering offspring, some of whom cannot even bring themselves to raise their eyes from the ground or floor, are “so polite and respectful of their elders.”</p>
<p>I had one patient whose mother used to fellate him while making him stand in the toilet in his own feces. When she was done, she’d scream “look at what you made me do!” to him and punch him in the gut until he threw up. Then, he’d have to wipe off his feet, flush the toilet, and clean up the vomit. He was three years old.</p>
<p>I once tried to begin a foundation to educate the public on the harm “spanking” (a very nice term for beating) can do to people for the rest of their lives. I wasn’t very successful. Perhaps I started too early or perhaps I am just not a good enough fund raiser, but I failed. I wish some of you who have expressed concern were there to help me.</p>
<p>Enough of that. I just wanted everyone who posted here to know that it’s not a whitebread world out there. I will guarantee you that some of your neighbors, even people you think you know well, are mistreating their children. Statistically, that’s a near certainty. </p>
<p>I appreciate those who posted here trying to help this young person. I urge you, if you’ve a mind, to find a way to help others. Believe me when I tell you, those others are all around you.</p>
<p>Thank you.</p>
<p>
Great line, and clearly spoken by one in the trenches.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you, flamingoduckie. Teenagers these days have a lot to contend with. They should not be burdened with parents like your mom. I am just curious, where is your dad in all of these? I understand that he is very supportive, but how can he just let your mom do this to you?</p>
<p>I am Asian and I know of your “traditional Asian parent” but being abusive is not a part of it. I know that sometimes they can be overbearing, but education is very important and there are expectations to be met. I do not know of anyone who will knowingly hurt their children though. On the contrary I think they spoil their children too much.</p>
<p>Hi. I’m an Asian guy and I’m in college. As a child, my father used to punch me repeatedly for minor infractions. He also used to abuse my mother and my brother. I still sometimes feel guilty that I did not stop him from abusing my mother when I was a child (I was afraid, I suppose).</p>
<p>MY ADVICE would be to bear with this right now. I don’t know what grade you are in, but I suppose you are quite adept at knowing when to “stop” with your mother and when to pursue a point (I was). There are some scenarios I see happening:</p>
<p>A) You get into UC Berkeley and you want to go there: just try to get as little contact with your parents as possible.</p>
<p>B) You get into UC Berkeley and you don’t want to go there: in this scenario, either fight it out with your parents or prepare scholarships in advance. Again, I recommend fastweb.net (or .com? I forget). Write about your abuse, tell people about your situation.</p>
<p>C) You don’t get into UC Berkeley. In this case, resort to part (B) about scholarships or go to Cal States. I would recommend you use the scholarship and go to another UC if you can. Talk personally to adcoms, tell them about your situation. Get scholarships, apply for anything and everything.</p>
<p>ONE LAST TIP (from experience): You may have some deep psychological issues with the abuse (not “psycho” stuff, but just guilt, fear, etc…I speak from experience). Talk to counselors, learn how to GENUINELY ignore your parents, get good friends, and live a healthy lifestyle. Don’t feel pressured to study all day. Learn to do what you love. Value your time. Find SOME good in your parents’ lives, but DO NOT feel guilty. Exercise. Find ways to do what you want to do.</p>
<p>curmudgeon:</p>
<p>I thought I’d wait a bit before replying to you to see what would happen. As I thought, the thread pretty much ended and my post was pretty much ignored. It’s one of the problems for children. The subject itself is so horrific that people tend to shy away from it. It makes people uncomfortable and, unfortunately, also makes them want to ignore it because it’s uncomfortable.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the work you did on this. Good on ya!!</p>
<p>hey, tarhunt. I think folks read it. I don’t think your post could be ignored. It nailed me to wall. I’m sure it made some uncomfortable but that doesn’t mean they won’t be better equipped to recognize and deal with issues when they confront them.</p>
<p>Absolutely. I mean, after I read it, I just sat and tried to catch my breath. Not much to say.</p>
<p>Dear Tarhunt,</p>
<p>I, too, thought your post was very moving. The thing that concerns me about it in this particular thread is that ducky, seeing the vivid descriptions of physical abuse beyond what (we think) she has been experiencing, may tend to minimize and justify what she has been going through even further, e.g
“My mother has always been quick to anger, this is her way of showing concern.”</p>
<p>My hope is that duckie will listen to AstroFan2010, a college freshman who has been there, and talk to a counselor.</p>
<p>Tarhunt… believe me, I, for one, did not ignore your post. It shocked me, honestly. I spent a large part of the day thinking about it.</p>
<p>Makes me want to help.</p>
<p>“ONE LAST TIP (from experience): You may have some deep psychological issues with the abuse (not “psycho” stuff, but just guilt, fear, etc…I speak from experience). Talk to counselors, learn how to GENUINELY ignore your parents, get good friends, and live a healthy lifestyle. Don’t feel pressured to study all day. Learn to do what you love. Value your time. Find SOME good in your parents’ lives, but DO NOT feel guilty. Exercise. Find ways to do what you want to do.”</p>
<p>This post–this whole thread–is making me cry. It’s so difficult to be the child of abusive Asian parents. There are so many reasons why it’s so hard to get out of it with a healthy perspective on life:
- It’s impossible to tell people about your family problems. People are tired of hearing teenagers whine about their parents, so they tend to think you’re exaggerating or just being another angsty, spoiled teenager, when really you might have legitimate problems.
- Asian parents are extremely concerned about their children’s futures. They educate them well and try extremely hard to make them successful. So when an Asian child complains, they are viewed as spoiled (especially if the child complains to the parents, who really do spend lots of money and time on the child. Unfortunately, this is exploitative: the child is not allowed to complain and must bear abuse, or he/she will be called ungrateful and will be punished.
- Not all Asian parents are abusive or excessively strict. So when the kids of the truly abusive Asian parents complain, they are not taken seriously–others just think your parents are the stereotypically strict Asian parents. They don’t understand that some Asian parents are more than the stereotype: they are truly abusive.
- Some parents (not just Asians of course) practice emotional/verbal/mental abuse. This is intense name-calling, threats, physical threats, throwing things and spanking (not enough to cause injury but enough to scare the child) making the child cry and feel hurt as a punishment, etc. People have a hard time understanding that this kind of abuse is just as scarring and difficult to bear as full-out physical abuse. Over time it causes the child to lose confidence, to become awkward in social situations, and to have trouble forming relationships with other people.</p>
<p>Just wanted to clear up some issues that I feel are really hurting kids.</p>
<p>Here’s the thought going through my head. Those of you who know, in all cases of abuse, do the parents think or tell themselves that they are doing it for the kids? That it’s the best thing for them? Do even the crazy truly sociopathic parents still believe that?</p>
<p>In the middle range, where the cultural differences can be debated, I strongly believe parents all believe they are doing the best thing for their kids. They just have different definitions of what that is. </p>
<p>BTW, I myself am clearly a Western parent who has always been on the far left side, believing in no spanking, no shaming, do your best to be the adult, they are the child, etc., even of course, when driven to distraction and unable to fully execute…</p>
<p>Obviously, it depends. I think the true abusive behavior comes out when the parent is unable to treat the child as another human being. The parent uses the child as a target when the parent is unable to hold in anger and frustration and bad moods/days. Children are easy targets for this anger.</p>
<p>Just found this thread. I still have a “duck” reflex when someone moves their hand too quickly, and I haven’t been hit for over 30 years. </p>
<p>Don’t have much to say that hasn’t been said already. I did foster care for a number of years – 25 kids. Probably wouldn’t take much to get re-licensed. Duckie, you can come stay with us if you have any desire to live in Georgia. I have a big house and a 17 yo D, so you’d fit right in. I don’t hit and seldom yell, but I do tend to whine.</p>
<p>I realize that’s probably not a practical situation, but you are more than welcome. Cur can help us with the legalities.</p>
<p>Alumother,
do abusive parents think they are doing the right thing? In my experience yes. Abusive parents often think hitting is appropriate and screaming is the only way to teach a child. Sociopathic parents? My mother is one. Does she think how she treated me was appropriate? I think she doesn’t care. Sociopathic parents have no empathy, no feeling for anyone else. They are entirely out of control. A sociopathic parent, like my mother and perhaps like duckies mother, could beat me to the ground one moment and the next smile sweetly…my mother knew how to charm the outside world as well as she knew how to torture her daughter. I wonder too if the partners of sociopathic parents don’t know how to regain control. Many people have asked on this thread - what is duckie’s father doing? I don’t recall seeing a reply from duckie. My own father? Years after the abuse, when I decided not to see my parents any more, said to me “but I didn’t do anything”. I suspect, perhaps like duckies’ father - but I’m only guessing, he knew exactly what was going on but was too afraid himself of how crazy my mother could be, so he was unable to take any action. Unlike those of us who are loving parents who would lay down our lives for our children, sociopathic parents would feed their children to the wolves just to watch.<br>
duckie, i’m crying now. the last thing i wanted to do was to hijack your thread. I hope you are safe today. I wish, like binx I could offer you a place in my home. if you are in the bay area, the door is open. we could at least help you find shelter and safety, even if i can’t offer you a permanet place to stay.</p>
<p>I saw a mother slap her 4 year old girl today, repeatedly, in public. Why? For refusing to eat her lunch completely (a huge hamburger that I couldn’t finish even a quarter of, not that I’m eating hamburgers any time soon). I stood in front of them and just stared in shock. Then I glared at her until she left the kid alone and went back to her seat. No one else seemed to give a ****, although her family shifted uncomfortably in their seats when they saw that there was an ‘audience.’ </p>
<p>It took all the patience that I had not punch that b**ch in the face. </p>
<p>I kept watching the girl until they left. She was sitting there crying alone as she force fed herself and watched her family swimming (this was at the beach swimming pool), since she wasn’t allowed to join them until she finished her food. </p>
<p>meh.</p>