Unappreciative gift recipient

Parent Cafe
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<p>For the FB post, maybe “If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all.”</p>

<p>And for the gift, a Barnes and Noble gift card would still encourage reading, requiring a visit to B & N or online to purchase books and letting the child know you still care. And how important it is to read. Saves on postage for mailing as well, and children love to go to the bookstore to pick their own books. And maybe the gift cards instead of 1 larger gift card, several smaller ones…more trips to B&N, more fun for the kiddo, can’t say how much fun it will be for the parent. </p>

<p>And stagger the timing of the mailing of the gift cards.</p>

<p>Kat</p>

42

<p>I have a niece - a bona fide the world revolves around me princess and a brat.</p>

<p>All these years, I gave her gifts on all important occasions: birthdays, school graduations, holidays, etc never to hear from her. I have only boys. She is the only girl in the entire family, so I guess I pampered her bit. The straw that broke the camel’s back moment happened when she entered college. </p>

<p>I collected matching black pearls for 6 months, went to the jeweler and had him made one of a kind set of earrings, a ring, pendant, and a bracelet with solid gold and diamonds. I designed the whole set, and I dare say, I actually have a very good taste in jewelry: I design all of my own, and get ample compliments from friends. When we all gathered to celebrate her transition into an adult hood, I gave the set to her.</p>

<p>Her response: Oh, I don’t like to wear things like these. Her mother (my sister in law) then said "well, if you wear them with you black sweater set, they may not look that bad.</p>

<p>I challenge anyone of you to come up with a better story.</p>

<p>That was the last gift I ever gave her. </p>

<p>After she entered the college, she only contacted me whenever she needs something - expecting me to take care of her as if she were my own daughter. I don’t respond anymore. In fact, though she is going to a graduate school right in my backyard, I never invite her or goes to see her. I have no further communication with her. I have had enough of this bratty and selfish girl. I would rather invest in a perfect stranger who is more deserving.</p>

<p>My mother in law regularly practices re-gifting of the most awful stuff that she save for, literally, decades, but I don’t feel too bad about this since she does the same to her own daughter and son (my husband). I love my sister in law (my H’s sister), and we regularly regale ourselves exchanging most hilarious re-gifting stories about my mother in law. </p>

<p>I educated my kids on the following axiom for gift giving. </p>

<p>(1) It does not matter how much you spend, but pick a category where you can get the best quality of something within your budget. If you only have $10 to spend, get the best tiny box of chocolate those $10 can buy. Don’t ever try to mask your lack of generosity with a low quality bulk.</p>

<p>(2) don’t ever give gifts because you feel you have to put a check mark on the ledger. If you do give, do it out of goodness and joy, and get something you wouldn’t mind getting from others if you had a similar taste as the receiver. </p>

<p>(3) don’t ever give a gift in a way that diminishes the dignity of the receiver. One of my close relatives used to give gifts with a commentary “I am sure you can’t afford this on your own, so I got it for you” OK. most people are not that clueless, but there are a lot of ways of giving gifts and actually making the other person not so warm and fuzzy being on the receiving end.</p>

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<p>I find that FB can often times be a gauge of people’s lack of manners or just general attitude in life. My nephew’s wife is one of the people in my life that doesn’t even say thank you to anyone for anything…and also her status updates are always of a negative nature that are 99% complaints .</p>

44

<p>Science Fiction: I would add to the above axioms. </p>

<p>Do not assume that taste or preference in clothing, jewelery, books, music, or art is universal. I love opera. But I would never give someone who has different tastes in music a collection of opera CD’s. One persons fabulous is another persons awful. Just consider the gifting of your wonderful taste as " Pearls before swine"…(in your instance it’s certainly comes close to being literal, even if she did not like it she should be gracious about any gift but especially one that meant so much to you)</p>

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<p>Acually, I was more stunned by my sister in law’s response (my brother’s wife, the mother of the girl) than the girl herself. that was the last time I gave HER (the mother) any gift too: note that for several decades, gift giving was 99% one direction: from me to her family, not the other way around. My two kids have yet to get any birthday gift, graduation gift, etc. from them. Oh, by the way, I took care of their son as loco parentice for four years while he was going to a boarding school right in my backyard, thousands of miles away from his own family. I paid for and took him on all of our family trips to all over the world.</p>

<p>I am done with this family now. I’ve had enough.</p>

46

<p>Along the same line as the pearls…My husband’s niece, who in general is quite sweet and thoughtful surprised me some years ago. When she graduated from high school, we gave her a gold coin and had it made into a necklace. A few years later, I casually asked her if she ever wore it. She asked, “Oh, that one with the penny in it?” Nope, not a penny.</p>

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<p>One thing about the Berenstain Bears books–were these the old “regular” Berenstain Bears books, or the more recent “religious” Berenstain Bears books? While the behavior is boorish no matter which they were, some people probably do not appreciate it when their kids are given books with a religious outlook if they don’t share that outlook.</p>

48

<p>Traditional stories. Haven’t seen the scripture ones yet.</p>

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<p>I don’t think I would even respond to the facebook post, I would just let it hang and swing and twist. </p>

<p>When I was little, my beloved aunt used to take me places. We would go to Philly and ride the El and see Santa at Wanamaker’s at Christmas. Or go out for an ice cream sundae, or go to the pool or the playground. I don’t remember anything she bought me, but I remember those times together from over forty years ago.</p>

50

<p>CULater – I’ll try not to take your comments personally. </p>

<p>nope. it’s not about the price tag. i can imagine gifts costing $4 that do somehow seem more like a gift. it really is more about the ubiquitous, commodity-like nature of these books. i’m not saying i would never pick up some item that, although easily and cheaply available, i believe might be useful, and give it to a young relative with little kids. i don’t know - what if the gift were 2 copies of Parenting Magazine, or something? Is it really just me? Can you not imagine an item being given that just doesn’t somehow amount to a gift, and not because of it’s price tag?</p>

<p>Aaargh. Regardless of my opinion of the books, obviously the rude and publice response of the recipient (or at any rate, her mother) is unacceptable. Especially 4 years after the fact! Is there something else going on that makes this woman feel so, apparently, resentful?</p>

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<p>Words like class and grace dont apply in your family member’s case. I gave my nephews national wildlife gift cards, they adopt an animal of their choosing, and get a plush animal. I would send the money to a deserving child, so many kids do without and would appreciate it. In my book a gift is a privledge not something you are entitled to. Anything someone wants to give you should be appreciated. My priest once gave me a heart shaped rock he found in field when she was talking to me about a serious illness I was dealing with. It meant the world to me. However this doesnt apply to H, his giftgiving is sometimes awful and he should know me better. So i am not always grateful</p>

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<p>I would send her a link to this thread.</p>

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<p>Give me her name, I will send her a private FB message.(insert evil face here)</p>

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<p>Have not read all the posts here, but wanted to reinforce what an early responder said. I really like the idea of the OP donating to a charity (especially a children’s charity) in the name of the gift recipient on future gift occasions. Classy and makes the point. If the mom continues to complain, ignore it and continue on the high road. The child might take in the message, which is really the point.</p>

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<p>I sent baked goods to my nieces and nephews and if no one called to thank me by the second time, they were off the list.</p>

<p>On this subject…if it’s a child in town and you want to do something for them, take them out for ice cream or lunch then let them pick out the book. That way you go around the parent, give them something they like and let the child know they are special…even if the parents are dolts.</p>

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<p>Even though this is no doing of your niece, I would not send her gifts. More fodder for Facebook insults from these awful relatives. A trip to the zoo, the mall and a lunch…that’s fine.</p>

<p>I do not think I would respond right now to the Facebook posting. Too predictable. I believe timing is everything. Somewhere down the line, when they least expect it, attack in a subtle but unmistakable way…when the subject of gifts, gift pricing, social media, etc comes up in conversation with these rubes, then make your move-- like in the case of social media, shoot in something like “yeah Facebook has some redeeming value…you can find out what your relatives really think about you” or whatever. If they have half a brain they’ll take in the added insult that you’ve known about this for some time but were too classy to respond right away (but too cool to ignore the whole thing!).</p>

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<p>MD Mom–I’ve learned that the monetary value of good jewelry needs to be impressed on youngsters.</p>

<p>I try to be gracious when receiving gifts but DH gave me a juicer once for my BD and I wasn’t too happy! Glad we didn’t have FB back then!</p>

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<p>Love the juicer. My husband ( then BF) gave me a toaster. My mom wanted to know how he knew I needed a toaster. That Christmas, I told him that he did not need to buy me anything. He said that he had heard that before, so I told him that if he was going to get me something like the toaster to not get anything. Ha. I sound pretty ungrateful too.</p>

<p>The niece in question’s mom is not too into jewelry, so she was not exposed to much. I still don’t know if she knows the value.</p>

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<p>To the OP, I agree with Zoosermom (post #2). Drop this family from your gift list.</p>

<p>To all the Berenstain Bears haters (and I admit to being one) I have to mention that they did do a few science-themed books that were quite excellent and were a great way to teach children (early elementary) about scientific concepts. I banished the Berenstain books from my house, I kept these (and I still have them even though my ‘baby’ is in high school). </p>

<p>The Berenstain Bears Science Fair
The Berenstain Bears Nature Guide
The Berenstain Bears Almanac</p>

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<p>^You’d still have to look at the pictures. I don’t know what it is about the style, it really sets my teeth on edge. Speaking of science, I haven’t thrown away the Magic School Bus books!</p>