<p>Sometimes I think we often over analyze things. Each family has their own way of doing things and dynamics. So while for one family an extended invitation means one thing and in another something totally different. The same with the Mom’s statement as to why she would like the GF to come along. So much depends on the Mom and her attitude towards the GF. I would take the statement as she wants your D to feel comfortable taking the gift. She is trying to reassure your D how wonderful she is and how nice it would be to have her along.That your D would not be a burden. I take the cleaning comment as a compliment. I would take the statement as she is helpful whereas her own children are not. You know how you get those wonderful comments on how helpful and polite your child is from the parent of your kids friend. With the praise you wonder if they are talking about the same kid.
My son has a friend who I would describe as a great guest. One reason would be is that he cleans up after himself and makes my son clean up. For example if this young man is over for a late night snack I don’t wake up to dishes on my coffee table and a mess in my kitchen. (which I would with my own son). This young man also comes out to help me carry in my grocery bags. He is someone I would consider taking on a trip since I know he would be helpful and set an example for my own kids.
As for the plane ticket- I would have the family purchase the ticket with their tickets and have your D pay the family. That way all the tickets are on one common record. This is very important if there are any delays. One year traveling back from Central America with my family we were delayed overnight in Houston. We were traveling with our family of 5 plus 1 friend. Somehow the ticket agent who was trying to reroute us ended up separating our records into 3. We had to overnight in Houston and the next day trying to get 6 people on a flight the day after an airport closure was extremely difficult. Made even more so by us now being looked at as 3 different groups. At one point we were on standby for a flight. The agent called my youngest and said she had a seat. No seats for the rest of us. My D at the time was 8 yrs old and had somehow ended up on her own locater number. On that trip we paid for the trip and the friend paid his own airfare. He paid the airfare to us since the reservations and tickets were purchased through the charter boat company. Sometimes on a package trip it is difficult for 1 person to purchase their own air.
My family learned long ago to make sure we took family photos at events both with and without significant others. Your D might gracefully stay out of family photos.</p>
<p>pizzagirl, You and mom60 make valid points about booking the plane ticke separately. We have hosted friends of the kids on a couple of occasions, however they met us at the destination in those cases, so not the same thing. We also used to book our kids’ camp flights separately from the group since we had lots of flyer miles. In that case, it was never a problem either, but I had assurances that the kids would be treated as part of the larger group. However, if there is any reason to think the group wouldn’t be treated in the same way, I would just reimburse. The family should accept graciously if that’s what frazzled wants to do.</p>
<p>I also agree 100% with mom60’s comments about not over-analyzing the comments about cleaning and childcare. They were clearly, IMO meant as compliments. Were they the tiniest bit inartful? Only if taken in a very literal way as some kind of quid pro quo. I don’t believe for a moment that’s how they were intended.</p>
<p>mom60 makes a good point in that every family has different dynamics, etc.</p>
<p>I think frazzled threw open the question to get the range of opinions and modus operandi that this forum offers. Reading the OP’s message carefully was very revealing, but that was just my take on it. To me, and in my own opinion alone, it was not about the money at all. But I already said that.</p>
<p>This I find very puzzling:
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<p>Well. That’s interesting, I think, the importance placed on “expensive” in the thinking.</p>
<p>I must say, that in the case of my son’s gf who was invited on the ski trip to the Alps, they did wind up breaking up (they dated for 2 years, but broke up in college), but even though I doubt I will ever see that young lady again, I have no regrets whatsoever offering or paying for her trip. And no regrets about any of the other things we did for any of the other friends or gf’s. I would hope that other families would not regret things they did for our kids either. </p>
<p>It’s not about the money. To me, there are basic principles involved, but to put a dollar value on those principles is, in my view, a bit strange.</p>
<p>
Oops! Sorry, AnnuddahMom (love your name!) - I meant to respond to this earlier, but got distracted by everything else going on in this very helpful thread. Since you and a few others have referred to the possibility of my d being used by the bf’s family, I just wanted to clarify that - though I believe it can and does happen, and it’s worth thinking about - my d is not at all being taken advantage of here. I may have stated it somewhat fuzzily in my first post. D is one of those people who is always in motion and will clear a path through a mess just about anywhere (and a house with 3 teenaged boys and a little girl can contain a lot of mess). So I think her helpfulness is a result of her feeling comfortable in the boyfriend’s home, liking his sibs (especially little sis), and deciding she might as well do something while she’s otherwise just sitting or standing there.</p>
<p>It’s a nice mutual relationship. F’rinstance, yesterday the boyfriend did something nice to help me out, just because he’s a sweet kid. I do appreciate your concern and realize that some families might lean too much on their kid’s significant other. But this one doesn’t! :)</p>
<p>If you want to save them money, maybe suggested that the happy couple share a room. Why keep up the deception that this doesn’t have anything to do with it? 
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<p>Mini, you devil - behave! :)</p>
<p>Since Mini, broke the barrier. I assume that bf and gf are all ready well acquainted. It is the BF parents (specifically BF’s mother) that want to know about the gf better and see if gf will work well in their family dynamics.</p>
<p>When D1’s bf came along with us to Paris, we had a 2 bedroom with a pull out in the living room (downstairs), that’s where bf slept. I didn’t care what happened after we went to bed, but in the morning when I woke up I expected D1 to be in the same bedroom as her younger sister in their bedroom. I know they are “well acquainted,” but we still try to keep up a certain decorum.</p>
<p>In response to Mini’s post…believe it or not, I have discovered that a "physical " relationship is not always the case…when D was 10 or so, we thought nothing of inviting along a friend (since D was an “only”) and the invitation was almost always reciprocated. Now that D is older (20) I find it not unusual that she also has friends of the opposite sex who invite her on little trips, even though they are not “dating”; and it seems to bear little resemblance to a dating relationship.</p>
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<p>You are right - it’s never about money per se, but it is about boundaries, expectations and what one feels is appropriate for the kind of relationship it is(people will obviously differ on where to draw that line). Etiquette advice, even today, says the same. Personally, I would feel the same exact way on the giving end of things. But if the D decided to break up with her BF shortly after a trip like this, not every family or BF would be equally sanguine about it -it’s just human nature. </p>
<p>I remember in middle school, D and her entire group of friends came home with the brand new Ipod. A friend was giving them out like candy- they were hundreds of dollars in the stores. The mom knew all about it. I’m not directly comparing these situations at all, but I made D return hers ( I was the only one). It wasn’t about the money, the generosity of this friend, his family’s ability to afford it, or ours - but about expectations, our own values and comfort levels. Just as I would appreciate the gesture of someone who offered something " generous" I think the people that have very generous tendencies also need to be sensitive to the feelings of those on the other end.</p>
<p>^ would Oprah be offended if we didn’t take her gifts?</p>