very sad...any suggestions on what to do to feel better?

College Life
81

<p>I have seen this scenario many, many times. One family we knew broke off all contact with their daughter for this reason. It was that important to them. </p>

<p>Very good friends of ours had a similar issue–he is Hispanic, she is Chinese, and she KNEW that her parents would throw a fit and make life miserable if they got wind of him, so they kept it a secret from the parents which was not difficult since parents lived far enough from campus. They also kept the relationship a little more of a distance than they would have, had it not been a “secret”. They just did not discuss the situation with the parents and they were none the wiser. I don’t advocate lying to parents, but in a college setting there are many, many things that are not wise to lay all out to them. I think it is time to start a private life. A more modified relationship with your boyfriend might make it a little bit easier. Hot and heavy exclusive relationships though great at the time, exclude a lot of what else is going on.<br>
Our friends, by the way, married after college. Parents very upset as expected, and dropped out of their lives for a while. The first grandchild brought things back to the fold.</p>

82

<p>hey i just wanted to let you know a quick fact:
to be classified as an Independent Student by the gov’t, and hence your school’s financial aid office, you have to meet certain conditions, such as either being in the Armed Forces, getting married, or being at least 21 so you don’t have to claim dependency on your rents.</p>

<p>With that in mind, unless the other options are really appealing to you (which they probably aren’t), the soonest you can apply for finaid for yourself and be Independent for govt and finaid purposes is 21.</p>

<p>Personally, I think your parents are just threatening you with cutting off college finances if you’re still dating him, and they wouldn’t really go through with it - your parents might be racist, but i’d be really suprised if they were willing to sacrifice your educational future (esp. if they’re paying 40K a year for your school) because of their racism.</p>

<p>I’d go with #2 on Northstarmom’s list. Be honest to your self and others, and don’t have any regrets.</p>

<p>Also, once you get to your new college, i was wondering if they had a nearby or corresponding law school? There’s a good chance that you can find someone who’ll serve as legal counsel for you, often for free. I’m not saying for you to sue your parents so they can support you financially for college (but people have done that! like that french candidate for President, Segolene Royal!) but it’d be a good idea to just talk to some lawyer and see what your options are, legally and realistically.</p>

<p>Finally, a lot of high school graduates are breaking up with their loved ones because they both are going off to different colleges anyways. A good tactic I’d recommend for both of y’all, as well as any other incoming college freshmen still in love with their HS sweetheart, would be to go back during the spring break and summer, visit each other, and see if you feel the same way. If you don’t, then it wasn’t meant to be.</p>

<p>Hope that helps. =D</p>

83

<p>This is your future and it is up to you to decide. I think you make a sound decision and time is an ultimate medicine and you will eventually get over it . I do wish that you leave door open for your parents. I believe that they may love you more than you realize now.</p>

84

<p>You have to be 24 for independant status on financial aid not 21.</p>

85

<p>It is so sad that racism is such a constant bugaboo today…
I come to read this with many emotions…
How would your parents feel if Prince Williams wanted to date you and Prince Charles said ‘drop her Wils–she is poor’ (I assume that by their standards…most of us are)–
(Your parents would be wounded…) Their wonderful perfect baby (you) whom they raised and adore *<strong><em>not good enough</em></strong>!!!
How little we regard our fellow humans, never understanding that golden rule.
We have to remember that people have feelings.
Although I pity your parents… maybe they have had that experience themselves and fear you might go through some form of discrimination.</p>

<p>Think of Barrack Obahma…
It is just unthinkable that if your boyfriend was a black millionaire or famous spots/entertainer/ star type it might not matter…as they say money lightens.</p>

<p>On a personal note, I had a similar experience as a young adult. Boyfriend’s loving grandparents threatened to disinherit him if we continued to date, my amour asked me if we could work it so that when the G’parents visited we could date secretly to appease them…I very lovingly said as a human being I would hate it to wait for two old people to die to experience happiness…I immediately left the relationship, and have survived!
Please do not hide the young man-it would be more insulting than loving! Whether you are choosing money or education…life is tough and as a predominantly Christian people I believe we are the most hateful. </p>

<p>It may seem hard now but as some have pointed out….As young people you very likely would not go into everlasting anyway and if your parents are ignorant selfish or fearful they have to live with their own truths.
Please continue with your education and not put yourself in unnecessary debt.
Before you know it a good education will but you in control of your life, the more you have the better. You will be able to call the shots in the board room and your social life.</p>

<p>I sent DD to an exclusive private elementary sch…K-8, I noticed early that; young Black males never feared well past the 6th grade, and later as a parent on the diversity committee found that often white parents feared their daughters would date these boys, they created such havoc… from influencing on committees to conveniently excluding certain kids from their regularly staged out of school activities, just all round made things difficult for these boys.
In DD class was one such couple and this girl tried to hide the young man…(they were residents of the same affluent neighborhood).<br>
But honey time is a healer, today this young mans family has reached such prominence and a peek at facebook (he is in an elite college), everyone’s now trying to kiss-up…to him. I just happy to know that they will value the old friends blacks and whites…who knew them when and did not judge them by the color of their skin. </p>

<p>Every once in awhile I watch the Oprah and think how many people lining up to see her even has one true friend that is black … maybe you can look at your situation and use it to make a difference…a little child shall teach them.</p>

86

<p>well i didn’t read everyone’s post, there’s so many. but i tend to agree with the “don’t let ur parents find out”</p>

<p>i’m azn and my parents are old school. wayold school. dating girls b4 i’m 21 is out of the question dating black girls? unthinkable to them</p>

<p>so i know what ur dealing with to a extent. what u need to remember is that ur parents are merely blackmailing u! so you have every right to not let them know. and if ur parents are well off enough to pay for ur college, then they should pay, and not use that was a threat. </p>

<p>do what u ahve to do, but remember, that college is important. </p>

<p>also do u go to college near where u live? how would ur parents find out what u do on a daily basis?</p>

<p>p.s. i’m dating a mixed racial girl right now. my parents don’t know, at least they don’t need tt know what the color of her skin is. because I only care about who she is to me and who we are when we’re together. and who we are is happpiness</p>

87

<p>go to a court and get separated from ur parents…(if that is possible)
write a personal essay with this story…u will get any college with full aid…
but just dump those racists…</p>

88

<p>turn this into as much of a positive thing as possible. write a good essay that somehow conveys how you’ve resisted becoming like them, without sounding petulant and immature. i could see how if you were very very angry with them at the time, an essay regarding this issue could sound whiny…so write it when you’re feeling calm. hopefully you are a very good student and are applying to elite schools, they’d eat up an essay like this, and an elite school is likely to give you great financial aid if your parents are not willing to pay. growing up with racist parents and coming out normal is not an easy thing to do.</p>

<p>edit: divorce from your parents is possible for minors who demonstrate that they are able to support themselves–so the olsen twins could have done such a thing, but that’s because they were billionaires before they were 18. otherwise you would have to be in a situation where you are in physical danger, and you’d be put into foster care. this doesn’t sound like that kind of scenario.</p>

89

<p>I had a similiar situation with race and my parents, except it was a wedding and not college…I said “fine”, had a small but very nice one and went on with my life. At that point, (24yrs)I wasn’t going to be controlled by money. Three kids later, we are still married (22 years) while my sisters are all divorced. I was only apart from my parents for a few years (and mainly my mother) but she can’t do enough for her grandchildren now. Another friend back in the early 90’s had her doctor dad tell her he wouldn’t pay for her college, she said fine, she went to an honor program at a state school and became an independent student later. He wanted to take it back, but pride kept him from doing it for a couple of years. He never thought she’d do it. She said it didn’t matter if she had a long relationship with the fellow in question or not, but what would it be next? Chinese? Jewish? Too short? Too poor?<br>
These desicions are very personal, but at some point you will be on your own and can make them by yourself.</p>

90

<p>Just date a Hispanic guy.</p>

91

<p>do you love him enough that you will forgo your own future just to be with him? if so, continue to date him. get a job, take out a loan. it doesnt seem like you love him that much. </p>

<p>otherwise, forget about him.</p>

92

<p>pink martini???</p>

93

<p>write a screenplay, make the movie and be rich and have your boyfriend! take the lemons and make lemonade.</p>

94

<p>

So, I guess we should bite the hands of the parents who breastfed us, provided us with a warm home, stood by us when we were first bullied, cheered us up when we cried, taught us the value of education, and showed us how to live in this crazy mixed-up world just because they are racist Northstarmom?? </p>

<p>Keep this in mind pink_martini, your parents loved you long before you met this boy, they loved you while you were in a relationship with him, and they will love you long after you two break up. Your parents views might be racist and prejudiced, but no individual is perfect, and part of the responsibility of being a good son/daughter is listening to your parents even when you know they are wrong to show how much you love them and appreciate what they have done for you. Of course, you can tell them how much you disapprove of their views and how umhappy they are making you feel, but ultimately in the end, people don’t change. So unfortunately in this case, you will have to swallow your pride and just accept that it was never meant to be. Cutting off a short relationship with a boy where serious love most likely hasn’t developed is much less painful than walking away from a relationship with parents which dtrengthened through a lifetime of love. You did the right thing.:)</p>

95

<p>“So, I guess we should bite the hands of the parents who breastfed us, provided us with a warm home, stood by us when we were first bullied, cheered us up when we cried, taught us the value of education, and showed us how to live in this crazy mixed-up world just because they are racist Northstarmom??”</p>

<p>Evil<em>asian</em>dictator,</p>

<p>Yes.</p>

<p>There is no rule that says that one has to bow to the warped values of parents just because they love you.</p>

<p>One can love one’s parents and even respect them while not going along with demands that are unethical, immoral or that go against one’s own values. Parents can be loving and wrong on certain issues. I know that there are cultures that believe that one should follow one’s parents’ guidance no matter how wrong one’s parents are, but that’s not what most people in the United States believe.</p>

<p>Also, people can change. Some parents who initially were very against their children’s interracial relationships changed their minds after they got to know their kid’s romantic partner or after the grandchildren arrived.</p>

96

<p>

The problem with your argument is that what constitutes “warped views” is up for interpretation. Obviously, the majority of people worldwide believe that racism is wrong, but what if a child believes as strongly in getting a video game on his/her birthday for instance as combating cultural prejudice? I would say the majority of American parents are OK with giving their kids a video game or two on their birthday, but if the parents of a certain child are against that, then does that mean they have “warped views”? Ultimately, it is the parents that set a moral code and a set of values for their children to follow and I would say nine times out of ten, parents are usually spot on with their judgments.</p>

<p>However, due to years of built-up and societally-churned bias bias and misguided views, certain adults today still believe that certain occurrences like interracial marriage are wrong. If the child rebels to this notion, even though he/she believes it is wrong, then the parents view that as undermining their authority and beliefs. The questions is, if you point out on error in a parent’s judgment, does that open the door to reassess every other rule a parent has set down? Some parents believe that kids should not date at all or at least until 25. So, does this become a “warped view” that a child has the right to combat?</p>

<p>I think loopholes like the one Northstarmom presented is the reason there are so many cases of teenage drug abuse/pregnancy/murders in the United States. Unlike in Asia, where children strictly obey their parents, American children have the “rebel” mentality and grow up believing that just because their parents may be wrong in one or two issues, it gives them the green light to dismiss everything regarding morals/righteous behavior their parents have preached to them in favor of their often misguided doctrine.</p>

<p>I think the best way for the OP for instance to get the best of both worlds(gain the respect of her parents and destroy existing racism/prejudiced mindset) would be to follow her parents’ fallacious beliefs for now and later when she herself takes up the parental role, ensure that she allows her children full freedom to date whomever they want, thereby preventing the perpetuation of racism.</p>

<p>Having knowledge and acting on it wisely is often a better course than rushing forward blindly with it and not being mindful of the consequences. Ultimately though, you have to decide whether maintaining a positive relationship with your loved ones is more important than sometimes sacrificing your beliefs and values.</p>

<p>P.S.: Northstarmom, people can change/grow accustomed to someone but their inherent racist mindset would still exist. Just because the OP’s parents might in the future acquiesce to her dating the black gentleman with the rationale of valuing her happiness and ensuring she goes to college, there is no evidence to suggest that the issue of their disapproval of the individual on the basis of his skin color was addressed or that they had become more openminded in any way.</p>

97

<p>** Ultimately, it is the parents that set a moral code and a set of values for their children to follow and I would say nine times out of ten, parents are usually spot on with their judgments…The questions is, if you point out on error in a parent’s judgment, does that open the door to reassess every other rule a parent has set down? Some parents believe that kids should not date at all or at least until 25. So, does this become a “warped view” that a child has the right to combat?
**</p>

<p>I’d say your hypothetical is also a warped view that should be challenged but your parallel isn’t equal. Race is fixed for life. Age is not. The OP’s parents will always be against her dating a black guy. My parents are not hardcore racists by any means, but that doesn’t mean that I am not affected by the negative things they say about other races. It makes me think LESS of them. I love them, always will, but starting in high school and now in college, when something mean-spirited or irrational comes out of their mouth, I challenge it. We all hold onto the idealistic belief that parents are perfect beings, that they always do the right thing, that they shouldn’t be questioned. Laws are supposed to be just but aren’t always as MLK among others revealed. Those that aren’t should be challenged. Same case here. Not only because I value my OWN beliefs and integrity but because I VALUE MY PARENTS’. If they hold onto prejudices, I challenge them not only for the sake of myself but for my parents. I want them to be better people just as much as they want me to be.</p>

98

<p>pink_martini,</p>

<p>If you comply with your parents wishes they are going to control you this way for the rest of your life (with their money).</p>

99

<p>who cares if he is black, so what if you care for him then you should STOP letting mommy and daddy live your life. you can get a job while you are in college and pay for your school. in the real world you are the only one who can make your own choices not your mom and dad. if everyone thought that college was an easy way to get out of the house then why is it that there are people still not going to school? it is because they know that even though you maybe gone from the house your parents will still try to control your life. so until you can support your own self ,GET A JOB, and stop freeloading off of mom and dad.</p>

100

<p>i hate racist people…</p>