<p>My mom had me at 29, I had my d at 29, and my d plans to do the same…all things being equal ( married or close) I hope…</p>
<p>BTW, I didn’t plan it and I’m pretty sure my mom didn’t either…</p>
<p>People can complain about how everything they desire and/or need cannot be done at the optimal time, in the optimal place, with the optimal partners, under the optimal conditions, in the optimal way, without the slightest possibility of anything suboptimal occurring at any time…</p>
<p>or</p>
<p>people can go out and get those things that they desire and need.</p>
<p>ADad: My personal motto is “The perfect is the enemy of the good.”</p>
<p>I’m pretty sure if I had insisted on “perfection” I would not have my family or my job, both of which I find extremely rewarding and . . . .imperfect.</p>
<p>However, the most imperfect presence in my life is myself, and the hardest to accept. But I’m working on it.</p>
<p>Well, I think there is no better way to prevent your daughter from having sex with a guy she likes than letting her know that she will have all the consequences with her for the rest of her life. There are many temptations out there, but if she can always recall the lessons from your experience, she should be fine. The problem is if she put herself in a dangerous situation, i.e. getting really drunk, then that would be a bigger problem. Does she drink? Sorry, I didn’t read through the entire thread. </p>
<p>And guys who ask you for sex…I mean, that’s pretty low. Maybe showing of an Aids documentary can help? I know I always get scared after watching one of those and can take my mind off it.</p>
<p>Also, please remind her that when she goes to parties to never, ever put a drink down somewhere if she intends to finish it.</p>
<p>“I think there is no better way to prevent your daughter from having sex with a guy she likes than letting her know that she will have all the consequences with her for the rest of her life.”</p>
<p>that’s right, because we all know sex is a dirty, dirty thing, the devils plaything… </p>
<p>I do feel sorry for some of you folks and the harm inflicted on the kids. Sex is a wonderful thing, a healthy thing, a beautiful thing. </p>
<p>Consquences, what about memmories? What about feelings? </p>
<p>I look back on my sex life as a wonderful thing a learning experience both before and after marriage. I feel for those here who can’t view their own experiences in the same light…</p>
<p>That is true, Opie.</p>
<p>But–you’re speaking as a guy. A woman has the physical responsibility of caring for/making decisions re: a child she could bear. Like it or not, procreation is the potential result of every intimate encounter (for most young people). No birth control is foolproof.</p>
<p>If the woman doesn’t get pregnant, then yes it’s potentially all ‘good memories & a growing experience,’ etc.</p>
<p>But if she does, it can be a much different story.</p>
<p>Until you’ve had a child w/an inappropriate bio parent…it’s hard to conceive of the importance of that consequence.</p>
<p>I don’t see that distinction. Many men must also deal with children they didn’t plan, and they don’t even have the choice of whether or not the child should be born the way women do. </p>
<p>I feel exactly as Opie does.</p>
<p>Once during a discussion of this type, one of my sons said: “I bet you’re glad you don’t have daughters.” I replied that if I did, I would have an open an frank discussion with her regarding the risks of pregnancy so that if it did occur, she could come to me and we could handle it together. But with sons, we (the family) would have no say whatsover about the risks associated with an unplanned pregnancy before marriage. If one of my sons were to get a girl pregnant, that girl could abort his child, give it up for adoption, or ask him to support it without any say from him. Personally, in this situation, I would have preferred to be the parent of the girl. For everything else, I’d rather have sons.</p>
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<p>Don’t believe half of this c…p. I know people who got pregrant without any problem in their 30s and early 40’s. Yes my own aunt had a baby at age 44.</p>
<p>I would think that there are data on the topic of the effects of age on fertility.</p>
<p>For example, and I don’t know how accurate this chart is, a quick Google search yielded:</p>
<p>[Chart:</a> The effect of age on fertility - BabyCenter](<a href=“http://www.babycenter.com/0_chart-the-effect-of-age-on-fertility_6155.bc]Chart:”>What are your chances of getting pregnant at different ages? | BabyCenter)</p>
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</p>
<p>In today’s society, with the availability of abortion on demand, no woman can be forced to become a parent against her will.</p>
<p>A man can.</p>
<p>Our sons need to know this.</p>
<p>What Opie said, and Mythmom supported: Sex can be Beautiful for men and women. Period. (oops). </p>
<p>Rainbows are so beautiful I was taught to say a blessing upon seeing one. I carry an umbrella if rain is threatened on a sunny day, but I was taught to
enjoy those rainbows and not be afraid to go outside in case of rain.</p>
<p>I tried to communicate, liminally and subliminally, to my kids that sex ranges from dull to delightful, and that they need to stay in charge of it because it’s also a powerful force in life. I guess that’s it in a nutshell (oops). </p>
<p>Finding the right “context” might mean anything from “We’re both in the mood for a one-night stand” to “first we need to be in a significant loving, commiteed but not necessarily married relationship” to “let’s decide to wait until marriage, or one of is doing that.” It’s hard to know if feelings are mutual when a young adult, I found. The missing sex education for me was how to find out what a boy was feeling and thinking so I’d know if we were on the same page. Many misunderstandings over that.</p>
<p>On the newer turn of the thread to birth age: My kids were born when I was 32, 34 and 38. It has the advantage of maturity and financial stability, and the disadvantage of physical fatigue by the time the young one is a runabout.
Also at Parent-Teacher conferences for youngest, some teachers were foolish enough to ask if I was the grandma. </p>
<p>I also sometimes feel out-of-synch with parents of his friends. For example, the mom of his g.f. is probably 15 or 20 years younger than me, and we don’t look at each other as a peer generation. Many inconsistences in house rules, and so forth. </p>
<p>If I hadn’t lucked out and met my H at age 30, I was preparing to adopt as a single (also educated, professional) Mom, since that was just beginning to happen around the nation. Now it’s not so radical. </p>
<p>Adoption can be the best security thought as fallback for anyone, male or female, worried about a ticking biological clock. I also know a single gay male who adopted an older child (after being checked out through the roof) because he, too, didn’t want to leave this world childless. He is a beautiful person with a solid profession. Child was preteen, so not many people wanted to adopt; but now both of them have A Family, finally. If you give up on the requirement that your child must be a bio-child, more worlds open up in terms of “having” children. Don’t be afraid to age and don’t marry the wrong person just to have a bio-baby in time, IMO.</p>
<p>In an earlier post, a history of very fertile family members was mentioned as part of the reason for concern about early sex. Now the thread has turned to fear of infertility after a certain age. You might take the high fertility as a sign that all will be well when the time comes to bear a child. I come from a very fertile family, and certainly was myself. When the time came, I had no problem, age 29 and 33. </p>
<p>I have known people, at all sorts of places in the child bearing decades who have had problems with conception, including the mid 20s. Would worrying about it beforehand have helped? Would ‘trying’ earlier have helped? In many cases not. </p>
<p>Everyone I know who did have fertility trouble did eventually conceive or in a few cases adopt. I’ve also known quite a few women having babies in their late 30’s to 40. </p>
<p>I do know I’d have been irritated to have anyone second guessing my future when in HS, especially in a negative way. My mother planted some wonderful thoughts in my head at an early age. “Women’s bodies are made to have children, they only need the help of Lamaze. Sex is wonderful, beautiful and fun. You are smart enough to make good decisions.” Some of this may seem naive now. But I was glad to have a positive way to approach life, as I still am glad to have. My fertility was great. Sex has been wonderful, having babies, while not quite as easy as promised, worked out quite well. I’ve had some troubles, tried to face them with intelligence and high energy. Unexpected pregnancies have come my way. They have been guideposts as well. </p>
<p>Life throws things at you. Embrace it with enthusiasm, love. We all will stumble, some of us more than others. I certainly have. As said above, “people can go out and get those things that they desire and need” Life evolves from that. Childbearing is an odd mixture of timing, career, relationships, finances and sheer luck. Some try to control it, but it can’t always be controlled. </p>
<p>Earlier in this thread, there was mention of lacking trust in men. I had a marriage that sounded similar to yours. After watching my parents’ marriage, I thought kindness and tolerance were the keys to a successful marriage. Well, that didn’t work, so I started studying marriage. My conclusion is that shedding my backbone when I got married did not help anyone, though it seemed to make good sense at the time. There are wonderful resources out there for you or your D about relationships, marriage, should you want to look at that issue. Some authors-Terrence Real, Harville Hendricks, Barbara DeAngellis. In the absense of positive role models, it helps to have other places to turn for ideas. Historically people have had wise matriarchs and patriarchs to turn to. Some of us need to get our ideas from books, and in many cases, therapists to guide us in implementing change. Therapy for me is not so much about insight, as comfort, knowing there is someone, somewhere rooting for me, and encouraging me to act in my own best interest. </p>
<p>Oops, guess I strayed a bit from original topic. But some of those thoughts have been simmering during few days of watching this thread.</p>
<p>Mythmom–true, guys do have to deal w/the consequences, and are further limited by not having a say if the woman goes through w/the pregnancy, etc.</p>
<p>However, that only reinforces the position that young people of both genders need to very, very carefully contemplate the risk that a child could be born of their relationship. Depending on the responsibility/commitment of the young parents involved – that’s a connection w/several other humans (the child and the bio mother/father) that you will have for the rest of your days. </p>
<p>Memories and rainbows are great things. But sometimes you have to weigh whether the person you’d like to have a beautiful and memorable encounter with is the one you’d like to see helping to raise your child for the next 18-odd years.</p>
<p>That’s not a very romantic view of things, I know. But neither is watching an inappropriate person parent your child (or dealing w/the unique pain of adoption or abortion).</p>
<p>There’s just a broader consequential picture that needs to be considered beyond the immediate, emotional, relational fulfillment of the two parties involved in a romantic relationship. A physical relationship should be evaluated in light of this.</p>
<p>Sometimes it works out fine and upon parting you are left with lovely memories. Other times you are left with a lifetime of far more than that.</p>
<p>You do realize that sex or love making isn’t only to make babies? </p>
<p>Yes, it’s a possibility, but it shouldn’t be the priority reason for intercourse.</p>
<p>My point simply is married or not, if you choose to have sex, have it for the right reasons, with someone you care about and someone who cares about you. Marriage isn’t a guarantee of caring sex. How many abusive marriages do you know of? do they have caring sex? </p>
<p>While yes, marriage is the preferred situation, it is not the only situation. </p>
<p>Does sex really change from dirty, to clean because of a marriage license?</p>
<p>I have found birth control reliable, so I got to see rainbows without consequences. My mom was of the anti-sex persuasion, so I consider this a miracle.</p>
<p>I am very concerned with consequences of unprotected sex for both my children; I did not have to worry too much about STD’s. I stress the need for condoms, but so did sex ed in school. I think my kids have the idea.</p>
<p>I am also terrified about their driving, but how else will they learn? Sometimes I can’t believe that I survived.</p>
<p>If I had my choice I’d much rather have an unplanned grandchild than a car wreck.</p>
<p>Life is risk. There are dangers everywhere: bacteria, slippery, icy steps where I teach, car wrecks in the rain and problematic sexual relationships are some of them. That doesn’t stop me from shaking hands, walking to my classes, driving in the rain and having relationships (well not now, I’m married) or feeling comfortable that my kids do.</p>
<p>And I guess I am getting a bit spiritual as I get older (horrors), but we learn in so many ways. When my first husband left me (I adored him) I learned to be an adult. Thanks Roy. I’d rather have myself than him, though he is really pretty cool. I’m cooler, at least to myself. It’s sad I couldn’t have myself and him, but that’s just the way it worked out. If I hadn’t lived through it (and sometimes I thought I wouldn’t) I wouldn’t know that getting left was the most enabling experience of my life.</p>
<p>As to the fertility thing, I had my kids at 36 and 38; no problems, easy. I had already begun to investigate adoption agencies; starting dating H at 35; I was fast!</p>
<p>I guess it comes down to what weight you give to the potential unintended consequence of a physical relationship. For those who’ve lived it and seen the breadth and depth of pain of watching an inappropriate person parent their child…they might give possible ramifications far more weight and chose to be more selective and conservative in the timing of their intimate relations.</p>
<p>You can have both – prudence in having relations only with someone you’re married to and would value as a co-parent and a caring, romantic, enjoyable relationship at the same time. </p>
<p>Opie–strong consideration of the procreative consequences of physical relations and romance are not mutually exclusive concepts. One might argue that it actually makes the physical aspect more cherished and ‘consequential’ on many levels. </p>
<p>Mythmom–agree, learning from experiences is so key. I wouldn’t change anything either – it all got me to where I am today!</p>
<p>JS: I do understand the point you are making! Many women wouldn’t have had their children with the men they did, even if they married them and adored them. Fathering is an important skill that is does not seem in high supply.</p>
<p>CC fathers + many others exempted!</p>
<p>How could anyone think that fertility doesn’t decline with age? Talk about clueless. Just because someone knows someone who had a baby late in life? I had my daughter at 41 but its not the preferred way I would have gone about it (my aching back!!) and I was told repeatedly by the MD that I shouldn’t get my hopes up because eggs DO get old!</p>