<p>glm: I really like your measured, and in my mind, accurate perceptions.</p>
<p>Since we have such different temperaments, history and values we will different experiences and different solutions to the issues at hand.</p>
<p>Nice to live in a world where we can.</p>
<p>Regarding later in life on line dating…yes, I’ve done that too. It can be confusing and intimidating after many decades. Some obviously don’t quite understand the limits of propriety! And there are many wonderful people on those dating sites, just as educated as here on CC. Like anything else in a life, a little caution and separating the wheat from the chaff is warranted.</p>
<p>excuse me? is it always nailing someone or not? Aren’t there 360 degrees on a compass? </p>
<p>What exactly means remaining a virgin to some of you? Has anyone else seen the movie saved? 
It’s remarkable what kids can and will do and still consider themselves virginal.</p>
<p>Ok, for those of you who think sex outside of marriage is ok and is fine in “commited” relationships. </p>
<p>If you had a daughter would you rather have them date a guy who chose to wait till mariage to have sex or one that wasn’t going to bother</p>
<p>bother what? </p>
<p>In my social setting, town, group of friends, a guy wanting to wait till marriage would raise a red flag and I’d wonder what the hangups might be that would cause future problems. If this was Mormon Utah or a stongly religious community, I’d look on it differently. I would hope for my Ds to marry someone who would fit into the mores (accented) of my family and time. If they chose something else, I’d respect that. In my world, waiting till marriage is not something I see or hear about.</p>
<p>Ugh. Me too. No brainer. D would run from a guy who wanted to wait for marriage. I would second that.</p>
<p>Maybe there’s something in between waiting for marriage and having numerous casual encounters? Anyone see that Sex in the City episode where the women talked about their “number”? I can’t imagine that anyone (male or female) would want to go to their spouse’s college reunion knowing that their (now) spouse had been with half of the attendees.</p>
<p>If you knew the fact that the person had been sexually intimate with half the class and that bothered you, you wouldn’t marry him or her. </p>
<p>If you knew it and viewed his or her past as part of the fabric of what he and she is now and you love him or her, what possible difference would it make?</p>
<p>It is letting it bother you that causes you to reject someone for their past. It is your loss, not theirs.</p>
<p>On the gatekeeper analogy. I thought a woman was a person who happened to be female, not a holy vessel or guardian of virtue. No wonder some women seem so tired all the time. What a burden.</p>
<p>What I’m saying 07Dad is that some people don’t consider “players” desireable life partners. As far as the gatekeeper analogy, you’re not a woman so you can’t understand.</p>
<p>So much for Christian forgiveness! </p>
<p>I admit I don’t understand what makes a person (female or male) need to sanctify an aspect of themselves to make them feel special.</p>
<p>Gosh, I wouldn’t want to go to my H’s college reunion under any circumstances!</p>
<p>If you had a daughter would you rather have them date a guy who chose to wait till mariage to have sex</p>
<p>I have two daughters.
Neither date men. period. at this point in their lives.
When they choose to/are permitted to marry-their partners previous sex life really won’t be any of my business.</p>
<p>“If you had a daughter would you rather have them date a guy who chose to wait till mariage(sp) to have sex”</p>
<p>Of all the traits I might wish for in the guys my daughter might/does date, this one would never, ever cross my mind.</p>
<p>woody: Your remark about the reunion – funny and true.</p>
<p>Well, I know my H’s two ex-wives and like each of them quite a lot. He met, let me see, four of my exes, one being my ex-husband. We are both fine with this. </p>
<p>I don’t know where phrases like “half the class” come from.<br>
The people I have been in relationships with know who I am and like me for who I am. Seems like a good way to separate out those whose values are similar to mine and those whose aren’t.</p>
<p>I really don’t see the problem here. </p>
<p>I would have been happy to stay with my first husband; he left. I was lucky to meet someone else. He met someone else too, a woman much more conservative than I. She “waited” until she married him; she was about 30 at the time. Sadly, she died leaving him with a four year old and six year old. He has dated many women since then. I have been totally committed to H and been with him alone for 22 years. Circumstance dictated these differences.</p>
<p>if my D was dating a guy who was “waiting to have sex” until marriage…well , its not my business, but I would ask my D- is he waiting to have intercourse, and has he done everything EXCEPT 4th base, or is he being pretty asexual in his life- what reason is he giving etc…and would the REASONS be something she could live with- religious, sexual, fear, honor, whatever</p>
<p>and if SHE hadn’t waited, could he be man enough to not worry about her past relationships (some guys want a virgin because they don’t want to be compared to other men)</p>
<p>I had a conversation with my HS D the other day, her friends have all had sex, she has not, and I believe her, but it would be okay if she was active, I just want her safe</p>
<p>dke,</p>
<p>This whole debate (at least the part of it to which I’ve paid attention) is about whether “waiting” is morally better than not waiting, and whether that should be an ideal we set for our children. If the choice were between abstinence and boffing half of your high school class, even I might opt for abstinence. But that’s a complete red herring. Over here on the heathen side of the fence, I think most of us are saying that abstinence isn’t how actual people actually live once they hit their late teens. By the same token, actual people don’t actually engage in indiscriminate, meaningless, volume-discount fornication, either, at least not unless they are acting in a porn video.</p>
<p>There’s something I’m tired of in this thread. I want someone to stand up and say, “I waited. It was the morally superior choice. My wedding night was wonderful and meaningful beyond belief. My sex life while married has been great. My spouse waited, too, because, after all, it was the moral choice, and that’s what each of us demanded of each other. We were at least 25 when we married.”</p>
<p>Many of you are preaching that point of view – here and, I presume, to your children, male and female. Who has tried it? Who has lived its contradictions and risks? We’ve heard from all the sadder but wiser girls and boys. Where’s the personal testimony that tells me this is really a good way to live, and not a hypocritical fantasy with which to guilt-trip some children who may not even be listening.</p>
<p>Just half the class? Why not all the class? Heck why not throw in small furry animals? yes, I’m a squriel and bunny lover. Does that count against me? </p>
<p>Absolutes, absolutes, absolutes…your either going to be disappointed or your going to lie.</p>
<p>I don’t think that’s true (that people who make a personal choice to remain abstinent are necessarily lying). I know a good number of people (family friends and relatives) who didn’t have sex till marriage. And some of the people I know didn’t wait till marriage, but did postpone sex until their later twenties, when they were older, settled, relatively mature, and able to have truly secure relationships.</p>
<p>That’s why I don’t consider it so unbelievable, impossible, and crazy to abstain from sex while young. I know successful, healthy, reasonable people who have abstained. They’re not crazy, dogmatic, or particularly religious. It’s just how we were all raised. It’s not that my parents told me “Don’t have sex.” They never made any ultimatums or tried to scare me. In fact, they try to stay out of that part of my life (except to make occasional inquiries into my health, which is of course appropriate for any parent to do). The idea of abstinence at this age just seems to go along with everything they’ve taught me about priorities and respecting myself. Abstinence was an unspoken conclusion, and I mostly drew it on my own. The lack of significant pressure from any external sources is actually what makes abstinence the easy, natural choice for me. It is my decision. My parents just raised me in a way that induced me to make it.</p>
<p>My reasoning is that you can’t have a real romantic relationship until you are older and independent (i.e., done with college) and sex belongs in that kind of relationship. Right now, I am just a teenager, so I can’t have those real relationships. I can have adolescent relationships, and while those definitely have been fun and great in my experience, I know they are distinct from adult relationships. I still consider myself and my peers to be kids in many ways. I know I have a long way to go before I grow up. A relationship at this age is still a learning experience. My decision to postpone sex is an acknowledgement of this fact.</p>
<p>I don’t know when exactly I will have sex. There can’t be a fixed date since maturity isn’t pinned to a number. All I know is, I am definitely not going to be ready for sex until I am through with my education. I don’t think it is possible to be truly mature until I make my own life, independent of my parents, and completion of education is the threshold for that. At that point I believe I will be responsible enough to do things like date people seriously, have sex, etc. After all, is it really a date if you are using your parents’ money?</p>
<p>I’m sure I could have sex now, and not have any significant problems, because I know that sex in and of itself isn’t some terrible deed. I don’t have a problem with it, and I would not consider “Abstinent” to be a particularly important characteristic when choosing whom to date. And I don’t have a problem doing a lot of things that certain people would term “sex.” For now though, I’m just too busy to go all the way with it. I’m too busy growing up, making it through school, figuring out who I am, and getting a life to deal with the consequences and implications. I don’t want to bother with BC, pregnancy, STD’s, testing, serious talks with significant others, etc. when I’ve got final exams, parents, and a bunch of other adolescent concerns to think about.</p>
<p>I know a lot of people will disagree with me about whether adolescent relationships are real (and therefore whether sex belongs in them). But this is just how I, an abstinent adolescent, happen to feel.</p>
<p>JHS: There was a poster on a different thread who described the scenario you depicted in his own life. I can’t remember who it was – getting old!</p>
<p>However, that testimony didn’t, doesn’t sway me, because even though I do believe it’s possible for some people’s lives to turn out like that I just need a bit more adventure.</p>
<p>There are some people who bought houses on the same block as their parents and siblings, but most of us are more geographically promiscuous.</p>
<p>My parents didn’t think that they should wait to have a romantic relationship till they are older and settled. They were 20(Dad) and 18 (Mom) The result was a long, loving and happy marriage and of course the four of us kids. For them the right time to have sex was rather early. For some it would be later. I knew when it was time for me, I felt it. So I think everyone should listen to him/herself and do what feels right.</p>